Need advice about my mom

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twk001

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Hi all- just to summarize: my mom and dad watch my daughter during the week while I work. She’s 4 now and next year will go to school full time. I’ll take her back and forth to and from school. Mom has had a really bad year -lost her mom and stepdad and several friends. Also a good friend is quite sick. Mom has been lashing out at me for several months. One day things are fine and then she’ll be a total witch at me for several days. It seems to be getting much worse now that the holidays are near. last night and this morning she chewed me out for forgetting to bring my daughter’s hat to their house and called me dumb and stupid-and my hubby too. their babysitting for us has been a godsend since we just couldn’t afford daycare when we had the baby. now I’m thinking I should just put my daughter into a preschool center with daycare and just let mom and dad watch her one day a week. Mom yelled about this, but I know that in a day or two she’ll start crying at me to not 'take her away from them".she’s pulled this in the past. my folks are really good with my daughter and have taught her so much, but i’m scared that she’ll start lashing out at my kid. I’m also concerned about getting my daughter to understand that she won’t be going there anymore. should I follow through with the school idea or just let it blow over?
 
twk001 said:
Hi all- just to summarize: my mom and dad watch my daughter during the week while I work. She’s 4 now and next year will go to school full time. I’ll take her back and forth to and from school. Mom has had a really bad year -lost her mom and stepdad and several friends. Also a good friend is quite sick. Mom has been lashing out at me for several months. One day things are fine and then she’ll be a total witch at me for several days. It seems to be getting much worse now that the holidays are near. last night and this morning she chewed me out for forgetting to bring my daughter’s hat to their house and called me dumb and stupid-and my hubby too. their babysitting for us has been a godsend since we just couldn’t afford daycare when we had the baby. now I’m thinking I should just put my daughter into a preschool center with daycare and just let mom and dad watch her one day a week. Mom yelled about this, but I know that in a day or two she’ll start crying at me to not 'take her away from them".she’s pulled this in the past. my folks are really good with my daughter and have taught her so much, but i’m scared that she’ll start lashing out at my kid. I’m also concerned about getting my daughter to understand that she won’t be going there anymore. should I follow through with the school idea or just let it blow over?
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She is your child. Your mom is overloaded right now. You need to consider both of their interests, with your daughter’s interest first.

I would give your mom a break – as you suggest, one day a week with grandma might be OK. Believe me: two weeks, and your mother will not be accusing you of “taking your daughter away from her”.
 
thanks- that’s kind of the same line that I was on. I think that my mom really is overwhelmed, but just doesn’t want to give up her time with my daughter. I also have to keep reminding myself that next year will be real school and even though she might still stay at their house on an occasional friday night, things will HAVE to be different then too.
 
How thoughtful of you to look at the situation from your mother’s point of view, that her many losses are affecting her deeply and overwhelming her. Perhaps your mother is thinking that you’re still financially unable to provide day-care for your daughter and that she has no choice in watching her granddaughter or not, an additional stressor. But your idea of 4 days of day-care and 1 day with grandma and grandpa sounds like a good compromise for all concerned, not a vote of no-confidence, no-thanks to your mom.

However, calling you and your husband “dumb” and “stupid,” especially if it was in front of your child, but even if not in front of her, is absolutely unacceptable. Is this common behavior with your mother? I could see irritability and snapping as normal and forgivable signs of stress and overload, but name-calling demonstrates lack of respect and self-control which, in my opinion, would justify limiting the time my child spends with her grandparents. By all means forgive your mother if she apologizes, or even if she doesn’t, but her insulting speech is a genuine cause of concern for your daughter’s (and your own) future well-being, thus calling for a change in child-care arrangements.

I wish you all well.
Christine
 
If my mom spoke to me that way, I would just assume that she was treating my child the same way when I wasn’t around.

My mom would be lucky if we came around for Christmas.

My vote goes to putting DD in preschool.
 
Do NOT allow your mother to speak to you in this manner. Face it head on and calmly. Regardless of what stressors you mother has, it is absolutely unacceptable for your mother to call you “dumb” and “stupid”.
I vote for putting DD in preschool FULLTIME and explain to your mom exactly why.
They wouldn’t see me until Christmas either, and they’d know the reason why!
 
I am with the others on this. Your mother’s behavior is unacceptable. Remove the child from this environment. Explain to the child it is not alright to call names. Then explain that you are going to enroll her in pre-school. Most young children like the idea of school so hopefully yours will transition well.
 
thanks everyone for your suggestions. Please try to understand that my mom is actually my very best friend. I know that she does not really mean her cruel words, but they still hurt nonetheless. DH and I have talked and we will probably proceed with the preschool situation. I think that mom really just needs some time off and needs to gather her perspective as JUST a grandparent and not a full-time caregiver. She really isn’t a bad or a mean person and so that’s how I know that something is really wrong with her. I ask everyone for prayers in this time and will keep you updated. thanks-twk
 
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