Someone gave me this advice before and I tried it many months ago when away. I’m afraid that maybe the priest wasn’t understanding the situation and I got very overwhelmed and he sent me away with a pamphlet on what confession is and told me to come back some other time. I do understand that it is strictly meant for the forgiveness of sins but I truly can’t help the way I feel in these circumstances and just wanted help in the process but left more discouraged than before and still with all the sins I had hoped to leave behind me.
I am very sorry the priest was not understanding. Unfortunately, we are human and there are varying degrees of understanding and compassion – especially on issues like anxiety. While I am consoled that there is an ever greater emphasis on pastoral theology today than in years past (though not nearly enough in my experience!), it must be said that there is a long road yet to be traveled by far too many of my brethren.
No…of course you can’t help the way you feel. Your circumstance is not one for a do-it-yourself remedy, alas. That takes time and help from others, frankly. When you find the right priest though, it will be such a blessing and such a joy!
Perhaps you might try “screening” the priest, as it were. You will be traveling. Reach out by email or phone to a parish and briefly explain to the priest that you suffer from extreme anxiety that is triggered by confession…not the customary nervousness but actual clinical anxiety…and ask if the priest would be willing to help you, as a convert, to confess in an appointment in his office. Since you are from out of town, this is not a long-term commitment for you or for him.
If he can’t or won’t, ask him if he can refer you to a priest who is especially skilled in the pastoral care of the sick or who is skilled as a chaplain for hospice or, best, who has trained as a psychologist. I have done this in circumstances much more extreme than yours. There is a solution to this, I assure you.
The confessor principally needs to neutralize the things that will trigger a reaction of panic…the perception of threat (there is no actual danger you are confronting, of course, although your body’s fight or flight reflex may perceive there is and it goes into action whether we want it to or not; that cycle has to be halted in process), an inability to successfully complete the rite (because of an unrealistic expectation of what you must achieve to make a good confession) or some other trigger…and he needs to put you into a situation in which you are confident and at ease and that you have a sense of control of your situation and environment. With a sufficiently skilled confessor, one can actually confess without even realising that one has done so until it is accomplished.
I am strongly considering this. I have wondered if an advent penance service would be a practical option but think it might be better if I just make an appointment with the priest. I just hope that whichever I decide will be a positive experience so I can move on with my life and feel more comfortable with the Church in the future. You’ve been of great help and please know it is much appreciated.
No…I have not been a great help because your pastoral need yet remains unmet – but I thank you for the kind comment nonetheless!
Obviously, I do not know you and I do not know all what triggers your anxiety. I am unsure if being in a large group, such as at a penance service, will mitigate or exacerbate the anxiety trigger. You could feel constrained if you perceive others waiting and you are needing extra time. On the other hand, if you wait and go at the end, you might feel less time constrained. And it has the advantage of being able to walk in and walk out without scheduling anything.
You can always go to the penance service and, if you feel unable to confess, there is no harm to you or anyone else. You should mention to the confessor immediately that you have anxiety and panic attacks so if you have to suspend the confession, the priest will not become unduly alarmed about what has happened but will know that you simply needed to not continue at that moment, should the situation become too much for you.
I would suggest, as a very real possibility, calling the chancery of the diocese where you will be visiting, ask for the Vicar General or the Episcopal Vicar for Health Care/Pastoral Care for the Sick, and briefly explain that you are a convert who was baptised, has never been to confession, and that you suffer from severe anxiety that contraindicates (at least for now) a normal venue for confession, and ask if he can recommend a priest who would be best positioned to meet with you, on a one-time basis and as a visitor, in order to hear your first confession in a setting that will not trigger a panic attack. Yours is not simple nervousness…that has to be communicated for your sake and the priest’s sake. As traumatic as a panic attack would be for you, it would be also for the confessor. Neither of you need that, frankly!
Some of us who are priests actually have a background in psychology and/or pastoral or professional counseling. Such a priest can revert to a clinical methodology in order to get you through this and give you coping mechanisms or behaviour modification that will help. This is what you need at this point, I humbly propose.
The Vicar General should have the knowledge of the skill sets of the clergy of the diocese such as to match your particular need to a priest with the requisite skill set.
I am praying.
God bless!