Need advice about teen Christmas party

[Viki63]

I came up with this thought in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and it seemed like a good idea.
I’d like to have a Christmas party for the girls in my daughter’s 7th grade class, about 12 kids, and ask them to each bring an unwrapped gift for a local organization which helps foster children. I don’t want to spend a lot of money, because that would make the project kind of pointless, besides which we’re trying to get out of debt. So I thought at the party we would make Christmas ornaments and/or beaded bracelets, and decorate Christmas cookies.
I talked about it with my 13 year old, and she is vehemently opposed to the idea. She says if I take invitations to the school she will tell all the girls not to come. She is mortified and embarassed by my idea of asking them to buy gifts for foster kids, and thinks the idea of “arts and crafts” is way too boring. Apparently the party we had last year, when we made gingerbread houses, was boring.
I’m sure she would be all in favor if I offered to spend $300 at the Fun Center (as I did one year- never to be repeated). I fear that our children are becoming incapable of creativity, and need to be entertained lavishly or they feel bored. I would like to show them that they don’t have to spend tons of money to have fun.
My husband says to go ahead and send the invitations, I would like my daughter to buy into it, and fear that she will stay upset with me no matter what I do.
What do you suggest?

 

[jeanne71350]

I came up with this thought in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and it seemed like a good idea.
I’d like to have a Christmas party for the girls in my daughter’s 7th grade class, about 12 kids, and ask them to each bring an unwrapped gift for a local organization which helps foster children. I don’t want to spend a lot of money, because that would make the project kind of pointless, besides which we’re trying to get out of debt. So I thought at the party we would make Christmas ornaments and/or beaded bracelets, and decorate Christmas cookies.
I talked about it with my 13 year old, and she is vehemently opposed to the idea. She says if I take invitations to the school she will tell all the girls not to come. She is mortified and embarassed by my idea of asking them to buy gifts for foster kids, and thinks the idea of “arts and crafts” is way too boring. Apparently the party we had last year, when we made gingerbread houses, was boring.
I’m sure she would be all in favor if I offered to spend $300 at the Fun Center (as I did one year- never to be repeated). I fear that our children are becoming incapable of creativity, and need to be entertained lavishly or they feel bored. I would like to show them that they don’t have to spend tons of money to have fun.
My husband says to go ahead and send the invitations, I would like my daughter to buy into it, and fear that she will stay upset with me no matter what I do.
What do you suggest?

Sounds like your daughter isn’t into helping out. Perhaps she thinks those people aren’t cool, and she wants to be accepted. Personally, I would LOVE a party like that, but anyways…

I’d go along with having it. Maybe when she actually goes she’ll lighten up when her friends are there.

-Jeanne

 

[GloriusMaximus]

Organize a drinking party for everyone! Vodka, Hennessy, Johnny Walker, Rum, and Bacardi Breezers for the young un’s, fun for all!

 

[Hildita]

I am impressed that you are willing to take the time to have such a party. Firstly, remember that the idea came to you while in the front of the blessed sacrament, that statement itself is positive. I suggest you listen to God’s voice. As far as your daughter she is at a difficult age. Not a child yet not yet a teenager and perhaps she is scared of what the girls will think of her. Christmas now a days is becoming more and more secular and the fact that you want to bring it back to the basics is impressive. I would speak honestly to your daughter and tell her you take your queue from God and not her. If she wants to impart something or give suggestions listen to them. The bottom line we need to get back to basics and even your daughter will need to learn from that. God bless and good luck.

 

[flyingfish]

I came up with this thought in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and it seemed like a good idea.
I’d like to have a Christmas party for the girls in my daughter’s 7th grade class, about 12 kids, and ask them to each bring an unwrapped gift for a local organization which helps foster children. I don’t want to spend a lot of money, because that would make the project kind of pointless, besides which we’re trying to get out of debt. So I thought at the party we would make Christmas ornaments and/or beaded bracelets, and decorate Christmas cookies.
I talked about it with my 13 year old, and she is vehemently opposed to the idea. She says if I take invitations to the school she will tell all the girls not to come. She is mortified and embarassed by my idea of asking them to buy gifts for foster kids, and thinks the idea of “arts and crafts” is way too boring. Apparently the party we had last year, when we made gingerbread houses, was boring.
I’m sure she would be all in favor if I offered to spend $300 at the Fun Center (as I did one year- never to be repeated). I fear that our children are becoming incapable of creativity, and need to be entertained lavishly or they feel bored. I would like to show them that they don’t have to spend tons of money to have fun.
My husband says to go ahead and send the invitations, I would like my daughter to buy into it, and fear that she will stay upset with me no matter what I do.
What do you suggest?

Your daughter is at that age when fitting in is a huge deal. Maybe your daughter thinks the other kids will think you’re strange, and therefore she is strange and will not accept her. (And who knows how those kids might react.)

If your daughter doesn’t want the party, why force it on her and create stress in her life by making her worry that all the kids will make fun of you because of an unconventional party?

Why not do the gifting to the foster children as a family, without the other 7th graders?

 

[puzzleannie]

I
My husband says to go ahead and send the invitations, I would like my daughter to buy into it, and fear that she will stay upset with me no matter what I do.
What do you suggest?

your husband is right about your daughter’s reaction–there has never been in the history of the world an occasion where a 13 yr old agreed with and approved of her mothers actions. but don’t send the invitations, she does have an acute social sense for her own class.

my suggestion is to ask her to plan the party with you, give her a budget, and ask for her suggestions–you might be surprised. Granddaughter in precisely the same situation a couple of years ago suggested that her GS troop take the brownies sledding and end up with hot chocolate and cookies.

however I would share with her how you got the idea, and invite her to pray, with you or on her own, before you begin planning–she deserves to know how your mind works on these things, that is the most important part of the lesson.

 

[1ke]

Who’s the party for, you or your daughter?

Look back at what you wrote. It’s all about what YOU want.

Your daughter did not come to you and say, “I want to have a Christmas party and invite my class.”

YOU decided you want to have a party and do what YOU want at the party, and you expect to require your daughter to attend the party, invite her class, and smile and tell everyone how great it is.

Uh, mom, have you lost your mind?

If your daughter didn’t ask for a party, don’t throw one. If you want to have a holiday charity party, throw one and invite YOUR friends.

You can build empathy and charity with your daughter within a family environment, which is really the right place to start. I think it’s great you want to do a charity activity, it’s important to build empathy and virtue in tweens. (I don’t know what you’ve done in the past to do this prior to age 12).

Your *family *should adopt a less fortunate family for Christmas. Your *family *should volunteer together and really see those in need, interact with them. But trying to superimpose charity on to a tween Christmas party… I don’t see it. Do this with the church CCD group, youth ministry group, etc. Not her school class of random girls she may or may not even be friends with (unless it’s a Catholic school… then suggest it to the teacher as a class project).

Otherwise, I think you are being unrealistic.

Perhaps you are right that kids need to be entertained at parties and to want to show they can have fun in ways that don’t cost money and/or that benefit others.

But, let **her **be the party planner. Wait until she **asks **you for a birthday party, Halloween party, Christmas party, etc. And, then plan it together.

She has asked you NOT to send the invitations. Don’t go against her and do it anyway. You’ll put her in a bad position with her friends.

 

[Catholic90]

** I’d like** to have a Christmas party for the girls in my daughter’s 7th grade class, about 12 kids, and ask them to each bring an unwrapped gift for a local organization which helps foster children. …So** I thought** at the party we would make Christmas ornaments and/or beaded bracelets, and decorate Christmas cookies.
I talked about it with my 13 year old, and she is vehemently opposed to the idea. She says if I take invitations to the school she will tell all the girls not to come. She…thinks the idea of “arts and crafts” is way too boring. Apparently the party we had last year, when we made gingerbread houses, was boring…
My husband says to go ahead and send the invitations, I would like my daughter to buy into it, and fear that she will stay upset with me no matter what I do.
What do you suggest?

I do not have daughters…I have teen sons. I work with 5th graders.

Several things jumped out at me:

1. All the girls in your daughter’s class - is she friends with ALL of them? Probably not. Some she probably tolerates, and others she probably cannot stand! Why would she want them at her house?
2. Gingerbread houses? Beaded things and ornaments? Very elementary school. Most of the girls probably DO think this is 'beneath" them.
3. “I’d like” and “I thought” - what does your daughter think? Her feelings seem to be dismissed here.
4. I would take her lead here. If she says she does not want this, then I would respect her wishes. You do not know what kind of social dance in going on!

 

[stringbeanduck]

As others have said, it seems this idea started on your part so it’s only natural for your daughter to disagree over it. If you want to have a party ask your daughter what it would involve so it can be “her” party. They like to feel more independant at that age so having it be all mommy’s party makes it too embarrassing. Don’t ask me why it’s that way, but unfortunetly this is how kids are. If the party idea won’t fly, but you still want to have something see if you can organize something through the church. Our youth group has a game night with Christmas games, like dirty Santa.

 

[Viki63]

I appreciate all your comments, There are certainly 2 schools of thought represented, at least. Am not sure what I’ll do but will definitely take your comments to heart.
It is a Catholic school, and my daughter tells me she “hates” about a third of the girls (5 out of 13), which bothers me. I have discussed this with her and will again.
You are probably right that forcing a party on her is a bad idea.
But will have to think of something to do instead.

About the crafts aspect – I see kids doing nothing but spending money and sitting being passively entertained. I thnk making jewelry is fun, and so do lots of adults – don’t get why it should be beneath teenagers.
Thanks again for your opinions.

 

[kage_ar]

Perhaps it is a regional thing? At our Parish, the youth group LOVES to make crafts and help out the needy. Those few who do not get involved with the crafts will play music or just sit and visit while others make the crafts.

They LOVE making something for others - maybe you could make crafts for something, for the elderly in a nursing home, for the needy, we made knotted rosaries for Haiti and every teen there wanted to be involved.

I also teach 6th grade CCD - those kids really get into crafts when they are for something. They also love making rosaries…

 

[1ke]

I appreciate all your comments, There are certainly 2 schools of thought represented, at least. Am not sure what I’ll do but will definitely take your comments to heart.

Why don’t you *listen *to what your daughter has to say. Don’t do the talking, do the listening.

It is a Catholic school, and my daughter tells me she “hates” about a third of the girls (5 out of 13), which bothers me. I have discussed this with her and will again.

Has she given you the reason for this dislike? Is it perhaps a defense mechanism based on these 5 girls’ attitude towards her?

I don’t know anyone who liked *everyone *in their classes going through school. I disliked classmates, especially the ones who were mean to me!

We should teach charity, hospitality, forbearance, etc, but you can’t be friends with everyone and you can’t force people to like you or force yourself to like everyone else. Being nice doesn’t mean being best friends.

You are probably right that forcing a party on her is a bad idea.
But will have to think of something to do instead.

Why do you have to think of something to do “instead?” I’m not understanding the motivation driving you here.

About the crafts aspect – I see kids doing nothing but spending money and sitting being passively entertained.

Many children, certainly. You can do something about that in your own household. Family game night. Family time at the dinner table together talking about current events. Family outings that involve exercises and active play. Outings with friends that are active.

I thnk making jewelry is fun, and so do lots of adults – don’t get why it should be beneath teenagers.
Thanks again for your opinions.

I don’t think it’s “beneath” teenagers. Your daughter doesn’t seem to be interested in it, that’s all. Some adults aren’t interested in it either. Some are. My 12 year old niece loves to do beading, scrapbooking, etc. She and her mom have done it together for years. She *enjoys *it. Other kids may enjoy something else. It’s not a crime to dislike crafting.

Find out what *your *daughter enjoys and do that together. Perhaps some will shun it because they view it as “uncool” rather than because they dislike it. If that’s the case, it’s time to have a talk about peer pressure, being true to yourself, etc. But, not by forcing her to have a party.

 

[monicatholic]

i have 10 kids. 5 of them are adults. 5 daughters in the bunch. i used to do stuff like this to my oldest. I learned to be sorry real fast, but not sorry enough to to not try it a few times. kids 2 through 9 have been a lot luckier. i’m a better listener with a better memory.

– I see kids doing nothing but spending money and sitting being passively entertained. I thnk making jewelry is fun, and so do lots of adults – don’t get why it should be beneath teenagers.

then don’t let ***your ***kids do nothing but spend money. if you think the environment in the catholic school is failing at this, then ask the school to make it a schoolwide event. (be prepared to WORK if they say yes. and don’t expect your girl to help or advertise. )

as for why is this beneath teens? you answered your own question-- because YOU and other moms think it’s a hoot. teens like it too if it’s their own idea.

 

[Catholic90]

It is a Catholic school, and my daughter tells me she “hates” about a third of the girls (5 out of 13), which bothers me. I have discussed this with her and will again.
This is not so uncommon. Not everyone, even in Catholic school, will get along! Do YOU get along with EVERYONE in every aspect of YOUR life?!? Your daughter is past the age where you can force friendships. She knows the types of people she likes and those she does not. Forcing her to spend time with those she does not like at this age will accomplish nothing but hard feelings. Not everyone will always get along. That is OK. As long as she is not being mean to them, or vice versa, it is OK. Nothing says everyone has to be best buddies.

You are probably right that forcing a party on her is a bad idea. Yep.
But will have to think of something to do instead.
Why?

About the crafts aspect – I see kids doing nothing but spending money and sitting being passively entertained. I thnk making jewelry is fun, and so do lots of adults – don’t get why it should be beneath teenagers.
YOU think it fun. Have you ASKED your daughter? Maybe SHE does not like it. Maybe she knows her friends do not like it. I know I personally would be bored to tears if I had to make jewelry (I am a 45 year old woman).
Thanks again for your opinions.

 

[SMHW]

This just a Christmas party, right? It’s not a birthday party that just happens to occur near Christmas, is it?

Does your daughter think a Christmas party for the girls in her class is a good idea?

No? Then stop now. No need to go on. There should be no party for the class. No one is obligated to host a party for friends at Christmas time. (If YOU want a party then come up with a different group of people for whom to hold one.)

Yes? Well then you need to get some (name removed by moderator)ut from your daughter and based on that you can decide if you are still willing to have her host a party.

 

[Viki63]

I’m not going to force a party on her since it would probably damage our relationship even further.
But I’d lilke to do something because so far all our Christmases have been about buying large amounts of stuff for the kids,
who don’t even think about getting presents for anyone else. Okay, that’s our fault. And my husband grew up with nothing (not even shoes – in a Mexican slum) and was fine with getting stuff for them that he never had.
But I see now that they are turning out pretty selfish. My daughter says she’s “made a list of the gifts she wants for Christmas – it’s not more than $200 - but she wants exactly what’s on the list – since left to our own devices we will get gifts she would dislike.” Those are pretty much her words.
I realize selfishness is a necessary stage of adolescence. But think they go a little too far.
I’m thnking of limiting gifts to one or two small ones this year.
I will discuss with my kids what they would like to do to help out someone less fortunate. Maybe they’ll come up with some ideas they’d be willing to put into practice.

 

[1ke]

I’m not going to force a party on her since it would probably damage our relationship even further.
But I’d lilke to do something because so far all our Christmases have been about buying large amounts of stuff for the kids,
who don’t even think about getting presents for anyone else. Okay, that’s our fault. And my husband grew up with nothing (not even shoes – in a Mexican slum) and was fine with getting stuff for them that he never had.
But I see now that they are turning out pretty selfish. My daughter says she’s “made a list of the gifts she wants for Christmas – it’s not more than $200 - but she wants exactly what’s on the list – since left to our own devices we will get gifts she would dislike.” Those are pretty much her words.
I realize selfishness is a necessary stage of adolescence. But think they go a little too far.
I’m thnking of limiting gifts to one or two small ones this year.
I will discuss with my kids what they would like to do to help out someone less fortunate. Maybe they’ll come up with some ideas they’d be willing to put into practice.

Ok, so you’ve acknowledged that you’ve created a little “monster” by indulging your children and failing to build empathy/virtue/charity as they grew up. And, bravo for you for realizing this and taking steps to change it! Parenting doesn’t come with instructions, and everyone makes mistakes out of love and wanting to give their children everything.

So these changes-- they start with example from you and your DH, you are going to have to change yourselves first.

Undoing some of the entitlement will be tough. But you need to walk the walk and talk the talk as a family. Start in the family. Then gradually spread outward to community.

This party idea seems to be your way of salving your own conscience since you’ve realized your daughter is self-absorbed and you contributed to that. It would not have the desired effect of changing your daughter for the better. It would likely have only bred resentment. This will be a long haul as a family and you and DH need to be on the same page.

You CAN bring about positive change in your family and in your childrens’ relationship with money, “things,” and with their ability to empathize and serve others. It will take time and effort.

 

[monicatholic]

years ago, we instituted a 3 gift tradition that still holds:

Jesus got three gifts and so do our kids. but none of the gift givers are kings so the gifts are NOT large or expensive. and only ONE of them can be specified. I choose the other two gifts. so a kid may ask for an MP3 player. I found one for $60. in addition, a set of colored pencils and a drawing pad. that’s it.

as for the party, let it go, right?

 

[jmcrae]

I’m not going to force a party on her since it would probably damage our relationship even further.
But I’d lilke to do something because so far all our Christmases have been about buying large amounts of stuff for the kids,
who don’t even think about getting presents for anyone else. Okay, that’s our fault. And my husband grew up with nothing (not even shoes – in a Mexican slum) and was fine with getting stuff for them that he never had.
But I see now that they are turning out pretty selfish. My daughter says she’s “made a list of the gifts she wants for Christmas – it’s not more than $200 - but she wants exactly what’s on the list – since left to our own devices we will get gifts she would dislike.” Those are pretty much her words.
I realize selfishness is a necessary stage of adolescence. But think they go a little too far.
I’m thnking of limiting gifts to one or two small ones this year.
I will discuss with my kids what they would like to do to help out someone less fortunate. Maybe they’ll come up with some ideas they’d be willing to put into practice.

I like the idea from a previous post, of having your family adopt a less fortunate family, if there is a program in your area. Take your kids with you to do the shopping for them, and to pick out one special gift for each of the children in that family. It would be even better if they use their own money to buy the gift.

If your community doesn’t have an “adopt a family” program, I am betting there are Angel Trees, where you can take an Angel, buy the gift indicated on the Angel, and return it to the host organization, probably by next weekend, to ensure that the gifts reach the children on time for Christmas.

Make sure that your kids participate actively in this, and that they understand that not everyone gets to write out a $200.00 Christmas wish list, while “demanding” the exact item. (I can also empathize with the temptation to throw out that list, and to give away all of her toys and clothes to unfortunate children in Africa - I’d want to give that kid a wake-up call, too. )

 

[flyingfish]

But I see now that they are turning out pretty selfish. My daughter says she’s “made a list of the gifts she wants for Christmas – it’s not more than $200 - but she wants exactly what’s on the list – since left to our own devices we will get gifts she would dislike.” Those are pretty much her words.
I realize selfishness is a necessary stage of adolescence. But think they go a little too far.
I’m thnking of limiting gifts to one or two small ones this year.
I will discuss with my kids what they would like to do to help out someone less fortunate. Maybe they’ll come up with some ideas they’d be willing to put into practice.

Your daughter’s behavior is typical for a child her age. I think if you want to have a child who doesn’t care about getting good gifts, you will not achieve what you expect.

Personally I don’t think it’s a good idea to limit gifts if you have the money to buy them, it will breed resentment in your children for the Catholic faith because they will see it as the thing that is reducing their quality of life.

Why not buy them good gifts but in addition to that take them volunteering and helping other people to teach them charity?