Need Advice and Help

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Needadvice1

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Hello everyone. I am new here but am needing some spiritual advice. I have only been Catholic for about 9 years and I have been married for 14 of those years. I was exposed to some sexual things in my very early life and have struggled with feelings of SSA for most of that time. I got married very young and had every intention of putting my past behind me. We were not exactly a church going couple until we started putting down roots and decided we wanted to become Catholic and raise our children that way when we had them. We have adopted 2 girls and we have a happy home life. However, in the past I have given in to infidelity and have met other men online and have acted out on these impulses. I hate myself for doing it and I truly don’t see myself as a “gay” man. I have confessed these sins to my confessor and have asked advice on how to deal with the situation. I have joined a 12 step program and have been trying to deal with my issues. I am wracked with guilt over my past sins and not saying anything to my spouse. I have talked to her about some of the past abuse I suffered as a kid but I haven’t told all since I am still dealing with the issues. I have been advised by both my confessor and those in my group to not reveal too much as it may damage my marriage and ruin my family. My main question is, how should I deal with the guilt and how do I put my past behind me? I know God has forgiven me my sins but I still struggle with letting go of the guilt. I have firmly resolved to amend my ways and be a better father and husband in the future. Thank you for listening and God bless all of you.
 
Welcome to the forums.

Do you have a spiritual director? You may also want to reach out to https://couragerc.org/ or to your Diocese ministry to those with SSA. You may want to seek out some counseling.

Infedility is not the unpardonable sin, know that Satan knows our names and calls us by our sins, Jesus knows our sins yet calls us by our name.
 
Your wife did not burden you with the guilt. If your marriage is happy, you need to bear your past alone, and not bring it to your wife who is innocent in all of this. I do agree that therapy would help.
 
Irishmom2 said:
If your marriage is happy, you need to bear your past alone,
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If your marriage is happy you need to not risk it by cheating in the first place.

I’m a firm believer that once the marriage has been put at risk, the decision as to whether to continue living together as husband and wife belongs to the betrayed spouse. They deserve all the relevant information.
 
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Why totally destroy the wife and possibly family? It seems mean when he has repented and is stopping.
 
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Annie said:
Why totally destroy the wife and possibly family?
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That’s already done by the infedility. Telling her gives her relevant information to decide how she wants to deal with it. That should be her decision.
 
No, preservation of the family is most important.

She has a life she is happy in. He made mistakes which he plans not to repeat. What would be the point in telling her this?
 
He obviously hasn’t done that already if they have a happy life together. They are still married.
 
Annie said:
She has a life she is happy in.
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I don’t see ignoranc as bliss.
Annie said:
No, preservation of the family is most important.
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Thanks. I suspect that’s why most people really advise not to tell. In my opinion if you want to preserve your family don’t cheat. Once you do, that’s not your decision any more.
Irishmom2 said:
He obviously hasn’t done that already if they have a happy life together. They are still married.
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If he was so happy why did he cheat?
 
When we confess our sins, they become the property of Our Lord, including the guilt that accompanies them. It sounds strange to say, but that guilt no longer belongs to you. But the enemy likes to remind you of it to make you think that if you punish yourself enough with it, you can make atonement on your own.

You have a window of freedom when you’re in a state of grace, before you commit any other sin, to make reparation in a very efficacious way. Now is the time to fortify against future temptations, strengthen your relationship, and just be the best version of yourself you have it in you to be.
 
Elf01 said:
I don’t see ignoranc as bliss… In my opinion if you want to preserve your family don’t cheat.
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That’s fine for you, but how does this apply to someone else? Who are you to propose a solution opposite to that proposed by people who know those involved IRL? Why should your opinion be set over the wisdom of the Church?
 
Could this possibly be a sore subject for you? I sense that it may be something that’s touched your life, and apologise if I’m wrong or out of line. I hope for healing and moving forward in all our personal relationships, and for the OP to maybe go to therapy.
 
Annie said:
Who are you to propose a solution opposite to that proposed by people who know those involved IRL?
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Someone who believes that the concerns of those proposing the solution are more about keeping the family intact based on a lie than giving the wife the relevant information and maybe still preserving the family.
Annie said:
Why should your opinion be set over the wisdom of the Church?
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Can you show where the Church teaches that somebody who cheats should not tell their spouse.

We have a poster who told her husband that she didn’t want to know if he cheated. They had a ‘happy’ marriage. He died, and on sorting through his effects she found evidence of infedility. I’m sure that did not help her through the grieving process. In other words secrets have a habit of being discovered. I’d rather control the means of discovery.
halogirl said:
Could this possibly be a sore subject for you? I sense that it may be something that’s touched your life, and apologise if I’m wrong or out of line.
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You may have a point. It’s also that I’m sick of seeing, what I see as concern for keeping the family intact disguised as not burdening the spouse. The spouse imo is burdened by the infedility regardless of whether or not they find out. Keeping the family intact may be a worthy goal, but please admit that it is the goal.
 
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If you really feel you need to tell your wife, could you do it with a mediator there like a priest or a counsellor? Do not let it all out at once. Ask God to guide what you say. Be prepared that she may be very shocked to the point she wants to be separated for a while. Be sure you are telling her for the right reasons
 
Elf01 said:
It’s also that I’m sick of seeing, what I see as concern for keeping the family intact disguised as not burdening the spouse.
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Well, the issue of burdening the spouse often comes up when the person asking about this is feeling guilty and believes the guilt will be relieved by telling the spouse. IOW, the person is really acting selfishly, sometimes even concealing the selfish motive behind arguments such as yours (not saying yours are motivated by this!).

To me, yes, the maintenance of the family is indeed very important. The happiness and well-being of the spouse and children in a non-divorced family has been well-proved now.

In addition, consider that for a Catholic, divorce does not free a spouse to find another spouse. I have seen how terribly difficult the situation can be for a woman to be divorced and trying to raise 1 or more children alone.

And if the wife decides to continue the marriage, then what would be the point of having told her if now she is burdened with guilt, distrust, and fear? After all, she too is a member of the family, and if the family is disturbed, she too is affected.

There just seems to be no good outcome from telling her except for your idealistic opinion that she gains something from being put through that.
 
Annie said:
That’s fine for you, but how does this apply to someone else? Who are you to propose a solution opposite to that proposed by people who know those involved IRL? Why should your opinion be set over the wisdom of the Church?
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because he asked…

Obviously the OP is still questioning what happened or he wouldn’t be here asking a bunch of strangers for advice.

I still question if they are really happy or if he thinks they are, or rather hoping they are… this man is looking for advice for something he already knows the answer to… maybe he still feels guilty about something and is hoping to hear something that will ease that guilt… add to the idea statement that he is happy, his wife is happy, their family is happy.

and it wasn’t a simple act of indiscretion (SSA). He is wracked with guilt over his past sins and not saying anything to his spouse. there is something missing on his road to salvation, he knows there is… and I think he knows what he has to do to easy the guilt he feels.

besides, ever thought God forbid, what would happen if his wife finds out what happened?
 
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