Need advice and suggestions

[GuadalupeSlave]

Hey guys- posting for the first time mainly because of how embarrassed I am by this question. I’m not typically a forum kinda person, but i really could use some good Catholic (name removed by moderator)ut, an I just can’t go to any of my “real life” friends. I’m even wary of talking to my spiritual director, because he’s the one who will be marrying me and my fiance in January.

Background- I’ve been with my fiance for over 3 years- engaged last year after Christmas. He is in no way perfect, and I will not portray him as such, but I love him dearly and deeply. Our love has moved from the butterflies in the stomach variety into something deeper and more comfortable. I am a convert to the Church and the year before I decided to convert, I was dating a Catholic man who died while we were dating. His death, and I’m sure his prayers from heaven, are what prompted me to explore the church and eventually convert. Because I forsee this getting really confusing, and because I really need my privacy right now, I’ll call my fiance Greg and my ex who died Jeremy. Greg and Jeremy are alike in only a very few ways, although when I started dating Greg I thought they were just too much alike. However, time has shown me the great gap between them. I still very much love Jeremy, who was also my best friend, and miss him every day, but I do not desire him in any way romantically- that seems weird to say, but i hope you understand. Greg understood that I was still healing from Jeremy’s death when we met- a year and a half after he died- and he has been wonderful in helping me heal, and has never asked me to stop loving Jeremy.

In walks the problem. I recently started a new job, and my one and only co-worker (it’s a small non-profit) reminds me entirely way too much of Jeremy. I’ll call him Tom. Tom is physically very like Jeremy (even though he’s of an entirely different race!) but even worse, his disposition could match Jeremy’s identically. They are certainly not the same people, but even after meeting some of Tom’s family, the similarities are enormous.

Needless to say, a few nights ago I had a dream that I was kissing Tom. It was nothing sexual, but entirely emotional, which scares me even more. I had those dreams about Jeremy for a long time, and they’ve slowly dissipated, but they never scared me since there was absolutely no way they could affect my daily life- since Jeremy is dead. But now, I’m having trouble at work. I don’t see Tom a lot, but when I do, thoughts just jump into my head! I do my best to dispel them quickly with prayer or distraction (or both!) but they keep coming back. These thoughts aren’t about kissing, or again anything sexual, but you could say that it’s like I have a huge crush on Tom. Now, I can’t decide if it’s because he’s so much like Jeremy or not, but for whatever reason, I can’t handle it! I’m getting married in 3 months, to a man I love more and more each day, but whenever I see Tom I’m bombarded!

I do not engage these thoughts- or dwell on them. I am disparately trying to get them out of my mind. But that doesn’t always help. I’m convinced that Satan is seeing how close Greg and I are getting to the grace of the sacrament of Matrimony, and he’ll do anything to tempt me away from it. Greg and I have had our own set of problem temptations over the past 3 years, and lately things have been much easier for us regarding them. But this is probably the worst, most cruel attack I’ve ever dealt with. I absolutely LOVE my job, and Tom is a good person. Although I can’t be sure, I feel confident that he has no feelings towards me, and it’s not like he’s flirting with me (or vice versa!!!). I want to keep my job, my sanity, save my future marriage and most importantly my soul! Help please! Any advice or suggestions would be great.

Thanks guys!

 

[In_Vino_Veritas]

You know there is something wrong when you won’t even talk with your spiritual director about it. You are not the first person who wanted to avoid a specific topic with a spiritual director. It suggests, however, a lack of trust in the system. For true spiritual direction you need to be open with the director. If you don’t trust the director that much find a new director. Do you fear that your spiritual director will tell you not to get married?

 

[danball1]

Is it possible that since you’re close to commitment with Greg that your feelings for Jeremy are surfacing, maybe through Tom? I’d say to take it to Jesus and since you are marrying Greg, to simply focus on why you love him and how to improve your relationship with him…instead of thinking about Jeremy/Tom. Hope everything works out for you!

 

[GuadalupeSlave]

I’m not sure what i fear with my spiritual director. But it is something. I haven’t been able to be very open with him since we decided to ask him to marry us. Maybe that was my biggest mistake.

I’ve always been a very private person to begin with, and i have never fully disclosed my past with any person or priest other than Greg. I think that is why this is so difficult. I want to go to him about this, and I started to. i told him about the dream. But i’m afraid of hurting him. I have this weird feeling that once Greg meets Tom things will be much better, but i just don’t know.

 

[Ruthie]

Dreams are funny. They can be part of healing.

I took an interesting course in college about dreams. Not some new age mystical dream interpretation garbage, but about how dreams work in our lives.

Based on something similar in my past, it may be that this dream about Tom is a way of helping you “step away” from Jeremy. A part of the grieving process; a sort of intermediate step on your way between your old relationship with Jeremy and your new one with Greg. A transition from active grieving, to Jeremy becoming a treasure in your box of memories. Your subconscious, helping you prepare for your upcoming marriage.

If this makes sense to you, use it. If not, discard it!

God bless you,

Ruthie

 

[pacoenelsaco]

My advice, and it may sound pretty hard but I’m pretty sure it would work, stay away from Tom. I know that you like him and he’s a cool person and what not. But if you honestly find yourself to be having a lil “thing” for him when your about to be married, then you really should try your best to avoid that situation. Our Lord said to “Run away from Temptation”. So if it’s in anyway possible, try your best to avoid him. At least until you can look at him without feeling those “feelings” you have for him.

And about the dreams, honestly, don’t let them bother you to much sweetie. Dreams can sometimes mean something. But other times, it just stuff that’s on your mind that doesn’t really mean anything. I’ve been engaged for almost a year now and I’ve been with my fiancee for almost 2 years and for a lil bit we had dreams with other people. But that eventually went away.

The most important thing is that you love Greg and you try your best to stear clear of temptation and bad thoughts. Those are ALWAYS going to be there. Just cause your tempted to look at someone else, doesn’t mean you don’t love the person your with. It just means your being tempted…or your only human and your gonna look, lol.

Oh and congragulations. I wish you the best in your life with Greg. Your so lucky. Your getting married in 3 months. I gotta wait 10 months for mine , booo, lol. But yeah wish you all the best. God Bless…

 

[GuadalupeSlave]

Thanks guys- this is really helping. I really appriciate all your advice! Please pray for me, if you don’t mind, so i can keep working on this temptation. This is a toughy.