Need advice / counsel on being friends with married person of opposite sex

[JamalChristophr]

So, I would like to hear some general advice, stories, guidelines, and or words to the wise on being friends with someone who is married of the opposite sex.

I myself am a single person. And I think I’d rather not go into too much detail, but I’d like to hear what people have to say.

Thankyou and Christ bless you all!

 

[spedteacherita]

So, I would like to hear some general advice, stories, guidelines, and or words to the wise on being friends with someone who is married of the opposite sex.

I myself am a single person. And I think I’d rather not go into too much detail, but I’d like to hear what people have to say.

Thankyou and Christ bless you all!

Take it from a person who has been there. It’s really not a good idea unless their partner is in on all of the activities. We were both Christians and 20 years later I’m still suffering from the guilt. I know I’m forgiven but it’s not the best part of my life on Planet Earth.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

No.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

1. Don’t be friends with a married person if you have any ulterior motives or hopes of someday having something more than a friendship with them. You’ll only hurt your friend (and maybe even her marriage), and make a complete jerk of yourself.
2. Respect that you can’t have the same kind of private and intimate friendship that you could have with a single person. That kind of exclusivity is reserved for her husband.
3. Understand that everything you say will probably make it back to her husband. And if it’s something that you wouldn’t want him to hear, then you have no place saying it to her.
4. Include her husband as much as he wants to be included. Do not let your friendship become a wedge in their marriage. A real friend wouldn’t want that anyway.
5. For Pete’s sake, still treat her as the same unique person you always have. Yes, she’s married, but she isn’t just a married woman. She’s still the same girl you’ve always known, and she still has independent thoughts and interests.
6. Be flexible to change. Understand that if her husband is going through a rough patch, your friendship will probably be put on the back burner to give him the attention and care that he needs. Understand that before making plans with you, she’ll need to make sure she doesn’t have anything planned with her husband. When she becomes a mother or moves for a career opportunity, her focus will shift even more to her own husband, family, and future. And definitely realize that if he stops being comfortable with you, you will be removed from their lives.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

So, I would like to hear some general advice, stories, guidelines, and or words to the wise on being friends with someone who is married of the opposite sex.

I myself am a single person. And I think I’d rather not go into too much detail, but I’d like to hear what people have to say.

Thankyou and Christ bless you all!

No. No more than to say hello or good morning or to exchange family news and gossip accross the fence or at parish events.

Linus2nd

 

[EasterJoy]

Usually, I’d say this only works when it is a pre-existing friendship or a friendship made at work and kept within the context of work.

Be a friend to the couple, and to the marriage. (Do this with every marriage, even those not your friends.) If you carry on a friendship, carry it on very publicly and with the greatest care to avoid temptation, as if your friend were a priest or a member of a religious community. Whether your gender or not, always talk as if the person’s spouse were there with you, able to hear every word you say. If that doesn’t work, if you find yourself finding the person any sort of temptation at all or vice versa, or if the spouse is uncomfortable with it at all, put in some distance.

 

[underacloud]

JamalChristophr,

If you have to ask this question, we might presume that your friendship with someone has caused problems in their marriage?

If it has, all the discussions about rights and wrongs and who is being reasonable and who is being unreasonable are irrelevant. You need to respect the sacred marriage bond and back off.

In general though, I think BlueEyedLady has largely nailed it in her advice.

But, even if you do all the right things and act entirely appropriately, if the spouse does not feel comfortable with the friendship, you need to back off.

 

[dedo]

1. Don’t be friends with a married person if you have any ulterior motives or hopes of someday having something more than a friendship with them. You’ll only hurt your friend (and maybe even her marriage), and make a complete jerk of yourself.
2. Respect that you can’t have the same kind of private and intimate friendship that you could have with a single person. That kind of exclusivity is reserved for her husband.
3. Understand that everything you say will probably make it back to her husband. And if it’s something that you wouldn’t want him to hear, then you have no place saying it to her.
4. Include her husband as much as he wants to be included. Do not let your friendship become a wedge in their marriage. A real friend wouldn’t want that anyway.
5. For Pete’s sake, still treat her as the same unique person you always have. Yes, she’s married, but she isn’t just a married woman. She’s still the same girl you’ve always known, and she still has independent thoughts and interests.
6. Be flexible to change. Understand that if her husband is going through a rough patch, your friendship will probably be put on the back burner to give him the attention and care that he needs. Understand that before making plans with you, she’ll need to make sure she doesn’t have anything planned with her husband. When she becomes a mother or moves for a career opportunity, her focus will shift even more to her own husband, family, and future. And definitely realize that if he stops being comfortable with you, you will be removed from their lives.

This.

Also, in general single people and married people of the opposite sex are going to have a tough time being friends outside of a structured activity where there are “chaperones”.

This is really related to social norms; however, there may be spiritual reasons for this. For example, some people who want to have more interaction with young people end up coaching teams, being a “big brother”, a foster parent, etc. In each case the social norm forces the person to “make a contribution” to society.

Inside the “structured activity”, people can be friends as long as reasonable boundaries are respected.

Thus, if you really want to be friends with someone, then look for that common interest where interacting under the umbrella of a structured activity is possible (club, sport, business, volunteer org. etc.)

Good luck.

 

[Avocadomom]

Yeah… No. Just, no.

 

[JamalChristophr]

Thankyou everyone, especially Blue Eyed Lady. I was indeed friends with this person before she met her husband.

No, there’s no need to presume anything, nor is it warranted. I’m just looking ahead is all.

I think this is excellent advice, on the whole, and I appreciate it. Thanks again.

 

[twf]

To those posters who stated “no” emphatically, what would your advice be in the case of a pre-existing friendship? If a man and a woman had a strong, stable, completely platonic friendship that went back many years, and one then gets married, are all ties to be automatically cut? I don’t think that’s necessarily reasonable. Certainly, one needs to be very careful and ensure that there are firm boundaries in place, and that the spouse is completely aware of the relationship, but it isn’t intrinsically wrong. I, as a married man, have friendships with married women whom I have known for years and who I would never consider dating even if we both were single…the relationships are simply platonic plain and simple. I might only see them a few times a year, but the friendship is still there.

 

[EasterJoy]

To those posters who stated “no” emphatically, what would your advice be in the case of a pre-existing friendship? If a man and a woman had a strong, stable, completely platonic friendship that went back many years, and one then gets married, are all ties to be automatically cut? I don’t think that’s necessarily reasonable. Certainly, one needs to be very careful and ensure that there are firm boundaries in place, and that the spouse is completely aware of the relationship, but it isn’t intrinsically wrong. I, as a married man, have friendships with married women whom I have known for years and who I would never consider dating even if we both were single…the relationships are simply platonic plain and simple. I might only see them a few times a year, but the friendship is still there.

My husband and I have many friends of both genders, some from before we were married and some from after. I think that the ultimate arbiter of where the boundary needs to go between you and your opposite-sex friends is your spouse. It is up to you to avoid near occasions of sin, but also respect your spouse’s sense of things. Sometimes your husband or wife will pick up things that you do not suspect in a relationship you believe to be platonic. If you have a friend and *their spouse *doesn’t like it, just let it go. Trust that spouse’s sense of their marriage.

If you feel your spouse is too controlling about who you can talk to, when, and where, that is a conversation for the two of you to have. Generally speaking, I’d say it is reasonable to ask that your spouse not meet anyone of the opposite sex in circumstances where the two of them can have complete privacy. It is reasonable that they not have a friend of the opposite sex who is the primary person they want to celebrate with or run to when they are in distress. It is reasonable that none of their meetings or communications be kept secret from their spouses. It is not reasonable that married people be expected to never talk to people of the opposite sex or never socialize in mixed groups. There is a lot of room for discussion in-between.

 

[Avocadomom]

To those posters who stated “no” emphatically, what would your advice be in the case of a pre-existing friendship? If a man and a woman had a strong, stable, completely platonic friendship that went back many years, and one then gets married, are all ties to be automatically cut? I don’t think that’s necessarily reasonable. Certainly, one needs to be very careful and ensure that there are firm boundaries in place, and that the spouse is completely aware of the relationship, but it isn’t intrinsically wrong. I, as a married man, have friendships with married women whom I have known for years and who I would never consider dating even if we both were single…the relationships are simply platonic plain and simple. I might only see them a few times a year, but the friendship is still there.

In the case of a pre-existing friendship, my suggestion is to include the spouse in things. For example, my male friend and I used to go out to dinner and have a couple of beers. Now, he comes to our home for dinner and a couple of beers. He is friends with my husband, too, even though they don’t have as much “history.” We keep our phone conversations brief. I NEVER give even the appearance of impropriety. Not a hint of it.

 

[ack]

So, I would like to hear some general advice, stories, guidelines, and or words to the wise on being friends with someone who is married of the opposite sex.

I myself am a single person. And I think I’d rather not go into too much detail, but I’d like to hear what people have to say.

Thankyou and Christ bless you all!

In most of my pre-existing friendships with opposite-sex friends, we maintained the friendship even after they married. There are no longer any one-on-one contact or outings (without the other spouse present), although the occasion to do so never comes up, because most of the time, the husband and wife will be socializing together anyway.

It is important for you to be able to socialize with both the wife and the husband, and not direct more attention toward one member of the couple than another. Your friendship is now with the couple, not just with the spouse you knew before you were married. If it doesn’t seem to work like this, then continuing the friendship probably won’t work either.

 

[OraLabora]

My advice is don’t. It’s a minefield.

I’m not proposing that one cut off all contact with the opposite sex. I’m also not saying that couples can’t be friends, or that coworkers when in a group setting can’t share a beer to celebrate the end of a project or something, or at a party chat with someone of the opposite sex. I’m talking about a real friendship where there are frequent exchanges (phone, in person, whatever).

At some point there’s a very real risk that the relationship will cross a line. And I don’t necessarily mean sex, but rather intimacies that really should only be reserved for husband and wife.

All marriages have their ups and downs, and it would be very tempting in a down period for one of the spouses to confide in an opposite-sex friend stuff that really should not escape the confines of the couple. And when that line is crossed, it’s a very slippery slope that leads to, at the very least, emotional infidelity, and possibly more.

There’s a line in the marriage vow about “forsaking all others”. Sometimes we think that we can avoid crossing the line, but we can all be tempted, and it can often catch one by surprise. It’s called a “near occasion of sin” in the old parlance, but something that still holds some truth today.

Also, when an opposite-sex friend marries, you have to let them go and leave them room for the marriage to flourish. It’s hard, but when one truly cares about a person, perfect love requires that we put what’s best for them ahead of our own desires, even those desires that seem to us to be innocuous.

 

[JamalChristophr]

My advice is don’t. It’s a minefield.

I’m not proposing that one cut off all contact with the opposite sex. I’m also not saying that couples can’t be friends, or that coworkers when in a group setting can’t share a beer to celebrate the end of a project or something, or at a party chat with someone of the opposite sex. I’m talking about a real friendship where there are frequent exchanges (phone, in person, whatever).

At some point there’s a very real risk that the relationship will cross a line. And I don’t necessarily mean sex, but rather intimacies that really should only be reserved for husband and wife.

All marriages have their ups and downs, and it would be very tempting in a down period for one of the spouses to confide in an opposite-sex friend stuff that really should not escape the confines of the couple. And when that line is crossed, it’s a very slippery slope that leads to, at the very least, emotional infidelity, and possibly more.

There’s a line in the marriage vow about “forsaking all others”. Sometimes we think that we can avoid crossing the line, but we can all be tempted, and it can often catch one by surprise. It’s called a “near occasion of sin” in the old parlance, but something that still holds some truth today.

Also, when an opposite-sex friend marries, you have to let them go and leave them room for the marriage to flourish. It’s hard, but when one truly cares about a person, perfect love requires that we put what’s best for them ahead of our own desires, even those desires that seem to us to be innocuous.

I think this is a very good post. Thank you. It is an area that also requires very real knowledge of ones self and a continual vigilance.

I am wondering, is there any objective definition for “emotional infidelity” or is it such a slippery slope and quasi-subjective term that it is hard to pin down?

Thank you for this Holy-Spirit filled post.

God Bless.

 

[phillylawyer]

So, I would like to hear some general advice, stories, guidelines, and or words to the wise on being friends with someone who is married of the opposite sex.

I myself am a single person. And I think I’d rather not go into too much detail, but I’d like to hear what people have to say.

Thankyou and Christ bless you all!

My perspective is it’s fine when done appropriately, but can be very dangerous when not done so. Just a few guidelines that I think make sense (others may have others)

1. The simplest is rule is make sure that your spouse is informed and involved in EVERYTHING. That means if you are going to spend time with your friend (either in a group or alone), tell your spouse about it and let her know that if she is available you would love to have her come along.
2. Make sure that some of the time spent with that person is with your spouse as well, so your spouse has a relationship with her.
3. Make sure your spouse knows she can see any communications you have (text, email, facebook, etc.) with that person at any time.
4. Never ever EVER say anything bad about your spouse to your friend of the opposite sex. Err on the side of over-talking about your spouse and praising her qualifies to that person. The most common way for adulterous affairs to start is one of the friends (or both) starts complaining about his spouse to his friend of the opposite sex. Then, he subconsciously starts thinking, “Wow. This women understands me much better than my wife does and gets me.” Things start going from there.
5. Make sure you are over-sharing with your spouse about your friend. If you email with her or get together with her (particularly one on one), err on the side of talking TOO much about the conversation, etc.
6. If you EVER find yourself developing inappropriate feelings for the friendship, just be honest with yourself and cut it off.

My two cents are the friendships with the opposite sex can be appropriate, but only if your spouse is always included an in the know on everything.

Just my two cents.

 

[marymary1975]

1. Don’t be friends with a married person if you have any ulterior motives or hopes of someday having something more than a friendship with them. You’ll only hurt your friend (and maybe even her marriage), and make a complete jerk of yourself.
2. Respect that you can’t have the same kind of priivate and intimate friendship that you could have with a single person. That kind of exclusivity is reserved for her husband.
3. Understand that everything you say will probably make it back to her husband. And if it’s something that you wouldn’t want him to hear, then you have no place saying it to her.
4. Include her husband as much as he wants to be included. Do not let your friendship become a wedge in their marriage. A real friend wouldn’t want that anyway.
5. For Pete’s sake, still treat her as the same unique person you always have. Yes, she’s married, but she isn’t just a married woman. She’s still the same girl you’ve always known, and she still has independent thoughts and interests.
6. Be flexible to change. Understand that if her husband is going through a rough patch, your friendship will probably be put on the back burner to give him the attention and care that he needs. Understand that before making plans with you, she’ll need to make sure she doesn’t have anything planned with her husband. When she becomes a mother or moves for a career opportunity, her focus will shift even more to her own husband, family, and future. And definitely realize that if he stops being comfortable with you, you will be removed from their lives.

^^^^ Excellent advice! The way this has been put is exactly how it should be. The only thing I would add to this is be aware that if for any reason the other person’s spouse feel uncomfortable or for some reason don’t like the idea, you will have to accept that your married friend has to give priority to her/his marriage and her/his spouse’s feelings. Every marriage is different and is up to each couple to decide the extent of involvement one of them will have with a single person and you must respect this.