Need Advice - Daughters first boyfriend visiting

[MT1926]

Ok just a little background. Daughter is 19 and met a boy in her class at college last year. He is from another state. But is coming to meet us this weekend, she wants our approval before officially calling him her boyfriend. Anyway, this is new territory for me and I am on unfamiliar ground and would like a little advice. He will be staying at our house for 2 days and I would like everyone to sound off on what they think is appropriate (or inappropriate) question to grill this kid with. I don’t want to come off to harsh but definitely want him to know who is in charge and that I’m paying for a college education here not for party time at school. I’m pretty sure the partying won’t be the issue though, since they both made the deans list in their Architecture program.

 

[1ke]

Ok just a little background. Daughter is 19 and met a boy in her class at college last year. He is from another state. But is coming to meet us this weekend, she wants our approval before officially calling him her boyfriend. Anyway, this is new territory for me and I am on unfamiliar ground and would like a little advice. He will be staying at our house for 2 days and I would like everyone to sound off on what they think is appropriate (or inappropriate) question to grill this kid with. I don’t want to come off to harsh but definitely want him to know who is in charge and that I’m paying for a college education here not for party time at school. I’m pretty sure the partying won’t be the issue though, since they both made the deans list in their Architecture program.

Grilling, on the whole, is not appropriate. Neither is letting him know “who is in charge”.

That approach is likely to come across as you being a jerk and your daughter being humiliated.

Instead, I suggest you simply get to know him. He’s a person. Treat him with dignity and respect. Expect the same. Get to know who he is, what he’s interested in, his aspirations, and his character. Get to know them through interaction, not interrogation.

 

[DarkLight]

Honestly, trying to let him know “who’s in charge” is just likely to end with him and your daughter not communicating much with you. It’s trivial for a 19 year old in college to hide things from her parents - and coming across as hostile or controlling makes it much more likely you simply won’t be told.

Best approach is just to take it naturally and act like he’s just another person to get to know. You hopefully raised your daughter to know your values - now it’s time to start trusting her to live them out.

 

[WT1]

Glad I’m not the 19 year old kid coming to your house. The parents I meet through girl friends were really great people and fun to be around (therefore we came around).

 

[on_the_hill]

Honestly, trying to let him know “who’s in charge” is just likely to end with him and your daughter not communicating much with you.

If you scare the nice boys away, the only boys to come around will be the boys who aren’t afraid of you.

 

[on_the_hill]

I’m pretty sure the partying won’t be the issue though, since they both made the deans list in their Architecture program.

I had two college roommates who were architecture majors. There won’t be time for them to breathe, let alone party.

 

[HouseArrest]

Ok just a little background. Daughter is 19 and met a boy in her class at college last year. He is from another state. But is coming to meet us this weekend, she wants our approval before officially calling him her boyfriend. Anyway, this is new territory for me and I am on unfamiliar ground and would like a little advice. He will be staying at our house for 2 days and I would like everyone to sound off on what they think is appropriate (or inappropriate) question to grill this kid with. I don’t want to come off to harsh but definitely want him to know who is in charge and that I’m paying for a college education here not for party time at school. I’m pretty sure the partying won’t be the issue though, since they both made the deans list in their Architecture program.

That’s a lecture for your daughter, and hopefully you’ve already given it to her seeing as she has been in college for a year.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Grilling, on the whole, is not appropriate. Neither is letting him know “who is in charge”.

That approach is likely to come across as you being a jerk and your daughter being humiliated.

Instead, I suggest you simply get to know him. He’s a person. Treat him with dignity and respect. Expect the same. Get to know who he is, what he’s interested in, his aspirations, and his character. Get to know them through interaction, not interrogation.

Agreed,

 By thinking what's the right thing to do, your actually doing the Wrong thing,,

Welcome him into your home,Cook a great meal, no Potato & Sausages ,
Your Daughter is an Adult, treat them both as such, that’s the hard part,
Give him a welcome hug,then just be positive and see how it goes, good Luck

 

[esieffe]

Spend your time planning a few great meals. I think after reading your opening post you should not plan any questions, rather concentrate on making your daughter, who sounds like an incredible girl, and her special guy feel at home. They will be nervous anyway.

You will not get a second chance at making a first impression, and you will be letting your daughter know if she can count on you to be supportive of her in the future. She honors herself and you as parents and the upbringing you gave her by setting up this time honored and all but forgotten tradition.

 

[AdamP88]

Grilling, on the whole, is not appropriate. Neither is letting him know “who is in charge”.

That approach is likely to come across as you being a jerk and your daughter being humiliated.

Instead, I suggest you simply get to know him. He’s a person. Treat him with dignity and respect. Expect the same. Get to know who he is, what he’s interested in, his aspirations, and his character. Get to know them through interaction, not interrogation.

This…Plus, he’s probably nervous about meeting you for the first time. Give him a break.

 

[AdamP88]

In addition, at 19 they’re both adults. This could be the boy your daughter marries. Treat him like an adult. Not a five year old.

I would say that taking the line “I’m paying for my daughter’s college not partytime” is not the way to go.

 

[DarkLight]

In addition, at 19 they’re both adults. This could be the boy your daughter marries. Treat him like an adult. Not a five year old.

I would say that taking the line “I’m paying for my daughter’s college not partytime” is not the way to go.

The big thing I’d say here, for teens and young adults, is don’t make accusations without evidence. “I’m not paying for partytime” is going to come across as an accusation, and shouldn’t be deployed without some evidence that your daughter is actually going to inappropriate parties or neglecting her studies. It’s really frustrating as a young adult to be suspected of things you aren’t doing.

 

[dixieagle]

Grilling, on the whole, is not appropriate. Neither is letting him know “who is in charge”.

That approach is likely to come across as you being a jerk and your daughter being humiliated.

Instead, I suggest you simply get to know him. He’s a person. Treat him with dignity and respect. Expect the same. Get to know who he is, what he’s interested in, his aspirations, and his character. Get to know them through interaction, not interrogation.

I agree with this completely, speaking as the mother of two now-grown and happily married daughters (both of whom met their future husbands while still in school and went on to get grad degrees.)

Don’t be a jerk.

 

[Xantippe]

The big thing I’d say here, for teens and young adults, is don’t make accusations without evidence. “I’m not paying for partytime” is going to come across as an accusation, and shouldn’t be deployed without some evidence that your daughter is actually going to inappropriate parties or neglecting her studies. It’s really frustrating as a young adult to be suspected of things you aren’t doing.

Plus, it’s a source of temptation…

 

[Xantippe]

In addition, at 19 they’re both adults. This could be the boy your daughter marries. Treat him like an adult.

Right.

 

[pianistclare]

Egad.
Give the kid a break.
Your daughter, especially.
Treat him badly and she’ll never confide in you again. Is it worth it?

 

[MT1926]

Ok let’s start over. This is why I came here first. My original post is what was on my mind and I knew I shouldn’t say, that’s why I said it here first.

I honestly need help on what to talk with this guy about. I am no good in this type of situation. Put me in charge of a major project and I’m your man. Need someone to take charge of a group and make sure they stay on task, look no further. Need something done that no one else can, that’s me again. But one on one, oh boy doomed for failure. I’m serious what kind of questions do you ask a 19 year old?

Yes, I trust I raised my daughter right. Heck she’s making the guy drive 10 hours before she will give him the title of boyfriend. I’m not gonna put the guy on the hot seat, but isn’t their certain questions you just gotta ask?

As for the cooking, I’m your man on that one to, so no worries on the food.

 

[Lea101]

Ask him about his passion. His aim in life. If he is aimless, that’s a huge warning sign.

Ask him what does he like about your daughter. See if you like his answer.
How they met, etc

Talk about both of your hobbies, see if there’s anything in common, it’ll calm your daughter

Ask about his family, see how he feels about them and whether his feelings (if negative) is justified

Make sure it’s a conversation. You can ask your daughter about school, how both are coping, whether they study together etc. Parents don’t usually realize how much you’ll find out about a person through casual conversation

 

[esieffe]

Ok let’s start over. This is why I came here first. My original post is what was on my mind and I knew I shouldn’t say, that’s why I said it here first.

I honestly need help on what to talk with this guy about. I am no good in this type of situation. Put me in charge of a major project and I’m your man. Need someone to take charge of a group and make sure they stay on task, look no further. Need something done that no one else can, that’s me again. But one on one, oh boy doomed for failure. I’m serious what kind of questions do you ask a 19 year old?

Yes, I trust I raised my daughter right. Heck she’s making the guy drive 10 hours before she will give him the title of boyfriend. I’m not gonna put the guy on the hot seat, but isn’t their certain questions you just gotta ask?

As for the cooking, I’m your man on that one to, so no worries on the food.

Open ended questions are good. Don’t over think it though. Things like:

How was the trip
So tell me about yourself…
What is his major

Do you have a good room mate in the dorm [You can learn alot from people by how they talk about others]

So… are you Catholic?

Did you play in sports in high school, what position.
Tell him some stories, about yourself your family, so he doesn’t feel like he is being scrutinized.

Offer him a beer, if he is smart he won’t ask for another one, or he will let you offer!

By then they will start filling in with small talk if they are relaxed. Let things take their own course. He might ask you some questions. Daughter will help steer the conversation.

That should be it. On day two, if there is a lull in conversation you always talk about world events or cars, computers, or their college. You’ll be fine.

By the way… the “gotta ask questions” that is for visit number 2 or three when they are still dating and things seem to be a little more serious. This is their first year of college? They shouldn’t be thinking about anything serious yet, they just got there. You can relax for this one!

 

[Trident_H]

Ask him about his passion. His aim in life. If he is aimless, that’s a huge warning sign.

Ask him what does he like about your daughter. See if you like his answer.
How they met, etc

Talk about both of your hobbies, see if there’s anything in common, it’ll calm your daughter

Ask about his family, see how he feels about them and whether his feelings (if negative) is justified

Make sure it’s a conversation. You can ask your daughter about school, how both are coping, whether they study together etc. Parents don’t usually realize how much you’ll find out about a person through casual conversation

Yep. This is a good track.

The key is to get everyone off their guard and pulling for the common team.

I mean the best thing going for making sure he and your daughter stay on a straight path is if they know they have your respect to start with and are afraid of ever losing it.

Peace MT. You’ll do this right. Just relax and enjoy the ride. This guy is not gonna be feeling much comfort coming all this way to meet the scary dad. So your job is to make him feel valued and respected enough that he’ll never be wanting to let you down.

The rest just flows from there.

-Trident