Need Advice - Daughters first boyfriend visiting

[MaryT777]

You have received some wonderful advice here and I’m sure you’ll take it to heart. Remember this goes both ways. When I was serious with my boyfriend and met his parents I remember thinking these could be my future in-laws and I was as interested in finding out what kind of people they were as much as they were in meeting me.

They were warm and welcoming in every way. I thought these are wonderful people I’d like to get to know and eventually I married their son. I used to joke around with him and tell him part of the reason I married him was to be part of the family, LOL!~ That said I am very family oriented and wanted them to be part of our lives.

My friend cut off ties with her boyfriend after a horrible meeting with his parents in which they came off as snobbish, cold and unwelcoming. She said she wanted no part of a family such as this for future in laws and grandparents.

So just a thought.

 

[SecretGarden]

I just want to reiterate some basic facts.

Your daughter is wanting your approval therefore you really need to trend lightly. It’s best that you welcome him into your home like you would your own long lost son. Treat him with love and respect. Make him feel comfortable and at home. You can find out what his hobbies are and when he is there, you could try to have some man time. For example if he is into cars, go to a local GM dealership and see what’s there. My grandfather did that with my dad. Throughout my grandfather’s life, he and my dad were great friends.

Remember: if there is a future with this guy, this will prove to be advantegous in the future because it could mean that a) your side will be invited to participate in his family’s holiday gatherings b) he might want to skip the activities with his family and attend your family’s celebrations. My friend’s parents did that with her boyfriend, now her husband and they love him like a son. My friend’s parents are literally a second son to her parents. Her brother has even adopted him as his brother. Its a very tight and closeknit family which is amazing to see.

The aim is to keep the communication open between your daughter, her boyfriend and yourselves. If the guy is a jerk, his true colours will come out. Even if your father radar is going a hundred miles an hour, you respect him and pray to God your daughter sees the truth. Often its better to say nothing and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. If that doesn’t work, you can always hire a hitman or hang him later if he acts up.

If you have questions during the visit, ask us, we are here for you.

 

[LordHaveMercy]

Ok let’s start over. This is why I came here first. My original post is what was on my mind and I knew I shouldn’t say, that’s why I said it here first.

I honestly need help on what to talk with this guy about. I am no good in this type of situation. Put me in charge of a major project and I’m your man. Need someone to take charge of a group and make sure they stay on task, look no further. Need something done that no one else can, that’s me again. But one on one, oh boy doomed for failure. I’m serious what kind of questions do you ask a 19 year old?

Yes, I trust I raised my daughter right. Heck she’s making the guy drive 10 hours before she will give him the title of boyfriend. I’m not gonna put the guy on the hot seat, but isn’t their certain questions you just gotta ask?

As for the cooking, I’m your man on that one to, so no worries on the food.

Fathers play such a special role in helping their daughters find a holy spouse. There are graces particular to your station in life that will help you through the situation. You’re a project man? Perfect, your project is to help your daughter find the man who will bring her to you in heaven after this life. You can do this!

Learn about his family, his plans after college, ask how many siblings he has and talk about them. He’ll be a little nervous, and this is a good thing. Find out about his faith, if he has an active devotional life, etc. Talk about sports, you name it!

 

[Lorelei12]

First, I would stop calling him a “boy”. He is a young adult, and so is your daughter. During the visit, treat him with respect, not like a young boy who has done something wrong.

He must really like your daughter, if he is willing to drive 10 hours just to meet you. There is no need to ask any specific questions; just get to know him, ask about his family, school, what he likes to do. You’ll get a good sense of whether you like him or not just by conversing with him casually for a couple of days. If you have any concerns or “specific” questions, you could talk to your daughter in private when he is gone.

This man might be your son-in-law one day- make a good first impression. And even if he isn’t, you want your daughter to continue to trust you and seek your advice.

 

[1ke]

I honestly need help on what to talk with this guy about.

The same things you would talk about with anyone in a social situation. He’s not from Mars.

I am no good in this type of situation. Put me in charge of a major project and I’m your man. Need someone to take charge of a group and make sure they stay on task, look no further. Need something done that no one else can, that’s me again. But one on one, oh boy doomed for failure.

Then let your wife do the talking.

I’m serious what kind of questions do you ask a 19 year old?

Why must it be a question session? Just talk to your daughter and her friend and let the conversation flow naturally.

Yes, I trust I raised my daughter right. Heck she’s making the guy drive 10 hours before she will give him the title of boyfriend. I’m not gonna put the guy on the hot seat,

She wants your approval, your blessing. That’s sweet. She doesn’t need it, but it’s very sweet and thoughtful of her. Every girl wants their daddy’s approval. Just be NICE to the guy.

but isn’t their certain questions you just gotta ask?

Well, no. This is very early in their relationship, she doesn’t even call him her boyfriend yet. Don’t grill him on his intentions and plans for your daughter. I think it’s enough to simply feel out his personality, his character, and his interests in life. You say they are in an architecture program-- ask him about architecture and what got him interested in it, what he sees himself doing with that degree, etc. It’s easy to talk to college age people about their major, their classes, and their thoughts on what they will do after graduation.

Just make small talk-- “how was the drive?” “ever been to this part of the country/state before?” etc.

Let your wife and your daughter lead the way.

 

[mommy_k]

Dh would talk sports— what teams they like and so on…, and depending on that answer, dh would know if this young man was worthy of dating our dd

 

[MomaMary8]

Ok let’s start over. This is why I came here first. My original post is what was on my mind and I knew I shouldn’t say, that’s why I said it here first.

I honestly need help on what to talk with this guy about. I am no good in this type of situation. Put me in charge of a major project and I’m your man. Need someone to take charge of a group and make sure they stay on task, look no further. Need something done that no one else can, that’s me again. But one on one, oh boy doomed for failure. I’m serious what kind of questions do you ask a 19 year old?

Yes, I trust I raised my daughter right. Heck she’s making the guy drive 10 hours before she will give him the title of boyfriend. I’m not gonna put the guy on the hot seat, but isn’t their certain questions you just gotta ask?

As for the cooking, I’m your man on that one to, so no worries on the food.

My advice is to be as natural as possible. This is a great opportunity for HIM to see if he’d fit into your family. He does not need to see anyone put on airs or act in a manner that would hide your normal expectations. (But don’t forget that he is a house guest! Manners are always good!)

When my kids bring home love interests, I like to keep a deck of cards on hand. It always easier to strike up a conversation when your hands are busy. When you can’t think of anything to say, you can look like you are really focusing on your next move! When there is a love interest that I don’t particularly care for, I remember that my child loves them for a reason, and I need to find out why. If I notice weaknesses, I check myself to see if I have those weaknesses My sons tend to bring home very strong-headed women…I can’t imagine why!

Have a favorite family spot picked out to take him to see. Plan a bonfire and pray the Rosary as a family (if the family rosary is normal for you.) Let him see how you cherish your daughter, that will go a long way in showing your expectations of how he should treat your daughter.

I’d ask him his future plans for his career? How is he so fortunate to go to college? (A round about way of asking if he’s looking at a huge college debt!) Instead of asking how many brothers and sisters, ask “tell me about your family?” One son brought home a girl who had a death in the family…I’m so glad I didn’t ask the how many question!!! Ask him what he’d like to go and see while with you. A museum? Hiking trail? Shopping mall? Visit the downtown area? Those things will say a lot as to what he does with his free time. If you read a good book, ask if he’s read it? Many questions can be posed throughout the two days with out grilling him.

Finally, pray to his gaurdian Angel a lot!! I hope the visit goes well for all of you!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

You can be like my Dad, “So, Jimmy, do you like to hunt? Wanna see the guns?” in an ever so slightly menacing tone.

 

[lemongrass80]

You’re putting too much thought into this.

Ask him whatever questions you normally ask people you are getting to know. Discuss current events. Share your hobbies. Don’t put so much pressure on the visit. You will likely have more opportunities in the future to organically and naturally get to know each other better.

 

[on_the_hill]

You’re putting too much thought into this.

 

[E_7]

I had two college roommates who were architecture majors. There won’t be time for them to breathe, let alone party.

This is a fact.

 

[E_7]

To the Original Poster,

Try to smile when you’re talking to him.

 

[Lorelei12]

I’d ask him his future plans for his career? How is he so fortunate to go to college? (A round about way of asking if he’s looking at a huge college debt!) Instead of asking how many brothers and sisters, ask “tell me about your family?” One son brought home a girl who had a death in the family…I’m so glad I didn’t ask the how many question!!! Ask him what he’d like to go and see while with you. A museum? Hiking trail? Shopping mall? Visit the downtown area? Those things will say a lot as to what he does with his free time. If you read a good book, ask if he’s read it? Many questions can be posed throughout the two days with out grilling him.

These are great questions, but I wouldn’t ask him about how he is able to afford college. I had a lot of debt, and I never considered it my in-laws’ business. I would have been really put off if one of them had asked me about that the first time I met them (nor do I entertain comments about it now). It’s nearly all paid off now and we are okay. I don’t think my husband knew that I had paid for my own college until after we had been dating for awhile.

That sort of thing is between the two of them to work out, if he has some debt. The OP might have some general conversations with his daughter about career prospects and student loans, but the boyfriend’s private financial circumstances are not something it would be appropriate to inquire about, not even in a roundabout way.

 

[MT1926]

Ask him about his passion. His aim in life. If he is aimless, that’s a huge warning sign.

Ask him what does he like about your daughter. See if you like his answer.
How they met, etc

Talk about both of your hobbies, see if there’s anything in common, it’ll calm your daughter

Ask about his family, see how he feels about them and whether his feelings (if negative) is justified

Make sure it’s a conversation. You can ask your daughter about school, how both are coping, whether they study together etc. Parents don’t usually realize how much you’ll find out about a person through casual conversation

Thanks, that is a great direction. I’m just glad he is an architect major instead of something I am clueless about like history or English.

 

[MT1926]

Open ended questions are good. Don’t over think it though. Things like:

How was the trip
So tell me about yourself…
What is his major

Do you have a good room mate in the dorm [You can learn alot from people by how they talk about others]

So… are you Catholic?

Did you play in sports in high school, what position.
Tell him some stories, about yourself your family, so he doesn’t feel like he is being scrutinized.

Offer him a beer, if he is smart he won’t ask for another one, or he will let you offer!

By then they will start filling in with small talk if they are relaxed. Let things take their own course. He might ask you some questions. Daughter will help steer the conversation.

That should be it. On day two, if there is a lull in conversation you always talk about world events or cars, computers, or their college. You’ll be fine.

By the way… the “gotta ask questions” that is for visit number 2 or three when they are still dating and things seem to be a little more serious. This is their first year of college? They shouldn’t be thinking about anything serious yet, they just got there. You can relax for this one!

Yeah that’s my problem, being a business owner I tend to think through every possible scenario before making a move.

I’ll pass on offering the beer, he is only 19.

 

[MT1926]

Peace MT. You’ll do this right. Just relax and enjoy the ride. This guy is not gonna be feeling much comfort coming all this way to meet the scary dad. So your job is to make him feel valued and respected enough that he’ll never be wanting to let you down.

The rest just flows from there.

-Trident

Thanks

 

[Xantippe]

These are great questions, but I wouldn’t ask him about how he is able to afford college. I had a lot of debt, and I never considered it my in-laws’ business. I would have been really put off if one of them had asked me about that the first time I met them (nor do I entertain comments about it now). It’s nearly all paid off now and we are okay. I don’t think my husband knew that I had paid for my own college until after we had been dating for awhile.

That sort of thing is between the two of them to work out, if he has some debt. The OP might have some general conversations with his daughter about career prospects and student loans, but the boyfriend’s private financial circumstances are not something it would be appropriate to inquire about, not even in a roundabout way.

I think it wouldn’t be inappropriate to ask if there was an engagement, but there isn’t.

“How are you planning to keep my daughter in the manner to which she has become accustomed?” is pretty traditional.

 

[MT1926]

They were warm and welcoming in every way. I thought these are wonderful people I’d like to get to know and eventually I married their son. I used to joke around with him and tell him part of the reason I married him was to be part of the family, LOL!~ That said I am very family oriented and wanted them to be part of our lives.

So just a thought.

The wife is the family oriented one. Dad came over on the boat, so don’t know what it was like to grow up with family. Maybe I’ll let her take the lead on the small talk.

 

[MT1926]

The aim is to keep the communication open between your daughter, her boyfriend and yourselves. If the guy is a jerk, his true colours will come out. **Even if your father radar is going a hundred miles an hour, you respect him and pray to God your daughter sees the truth. **Often its better to say nothing and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. If that doesn’t work, you can always hire a hitman or hang him later if he acts up.

If you have questions during the visit, ask us, we are here for you.

I’ll definetly keep this in mind and do my best. That will be my biggest hang up. Have such a hard time talking with people when I can tell the BS is just flowing out of their mouth.

 

[MT1926]

Learn about his family, his plans after college, ask how many siblings he has and talk about them. He’ll be a little nervous, and this is a good thing. Find out about his faith, if he has an active devotional life, etc. Talk about sports, you name it!

Thanks I’ll make a mental note