Need advice desparately

[gcook1]

My wife and I have one son, 23 years old. He’s always been a great kid. To make it simple, here’s my problem. I just accidentally saw an email he had drafted to his long term girlfriend. I don’t know if he ever actually sent it or not. But in the letter, he confessed to some really major lies he’s been living, including almost flunking out of college.
Do I confront him, which means confessing I saw his email? Or do I need to pretend I never saw it? Based on what he wrote, he truly is sorry for all his lies. I just don’t know what to do.

 

[Catholic1954]

My wife and I have one son, 23 years old. He’s always been a great kid. To make it simple, here’s my problem. I just accidentally saw an email he had drafted to his long term girlfriend. I don’t know if he ever actually sent it or not. But in the letter, he confessed to some really major lies he’s been living, including almost flunking out of college.
Do I confront him, which means confessing I saw his email? Or do I need to pretend I never saw it? Based on what he wrote, he truly is sorry for all his lies. I just don’t know what to do.

If you reveal that you read his email, not intended for you, you can loose your son’s trust. Make sure that he understands that you are there for him, no matter what, and you will support him. One of the worst things about being a parent is to watch your children make stupid mistakes and foolish choices, but that is how we grow and find our place in the adult world. Good for your son for recognizing his errors at such an early age, some people can go decades before wising up and changing their ways. Unless he really gets into trouble, I would let it be; he has the right to work out his own problems and as long as he knows he can come to you about anything, then give him the chance to own his problems and take responsibility for the solutions.

 

[Xantippe]

My wife and I have one son, 23 years old. He’s always been a great kid. To make it simple, here’s my problem. I just accidentally saw an email he had drafted to his long term girlfriend. I don’t know if he ever actually sent it or not. But in the letter, he confessed to some really major lies he’s been living, including almost flunking out of college.
Do I confront him, which means confessing I saw his email? Or do I need to pretend I never saw it? Based on what he wrote, he truly is sorry for all his lies. I just don’t know what to do.

Is he in trouble right now?

 

[gcook1]

He’s not in trouble. I guess I’m mostly worried that he’s carrying all this self loathing and thinking he needs to lie to give people the answers he thinks they want to hear.

The funny thing about the trust issue is now I have no idea what’s true in his life and what’s a lie. My trust in him is destroyed.

 

[Rhubarb]

I think all you can do is be there for him. Maybe drop subtle hints about how if he has problems he can always talk to you. Reading someone else’s email can be very invasive. I know you didn’t mean to be, and you mean well. But still.

 

[tafan]

He’s not in trouble. I guess I’m mostly worried that he’s carrying all this self loathing and thinking he needs to lie to give people the answers he thinks they want to hear.

The funny thing about the trust issue is now I have no idea what’s true in his life and what’s a lie. My trust in him is destroyed.

Was he living at home? Or were you paying for any part of his college? If so, his problems are your fault as much as his. A kids might turn 18 and graduate from high school, but that should not mean he does not have to answer to others. Now, if he is totally independent, perhaps you had no say in the matter. Otherwise, you should have known how he was doing in college. I doubt that almost flunking out of college and not telling anyone is his first deception.

At this point, its a little tougher. If you are still supporting him, its time to have a talk about how his life is progressing. You don’t have to tell him what you know, you should encourage him to tell you how things are going. Alternatively, if it was truly accidental that you saw the email, ie he left it open on a family computer, then you can probably go ahead and tell him you read it.

If he had been lying to you and he is truly sorry, why has he not apologized to you?

 

[gcook1]

Was he living at home? Or were you paying for any part of his college? If so, his problems are your fault as much as his. A kids might turn 18 and graduate from high school, but that should not mean he does not have to answer to others. Now, if he is totally independent, perhaps you had no say in the matter. Otherwise, you should have known how he was doing in college. I doubt that almost flunking out of college and not telling anyone is his first deception.

At this point, its a little tougher. If you are still supporting him, its time to have a talk about how his life is progressing. You don’t have to tell him what you know, you should encourage him to tell you how things are going. Alternatively, if it was truly accidental that you saw the email, ie he left it open on a family computer, then you can probably go ahead and tell him you read it.

If he had been lying to you and he is truly sorry, why has he not apologized to you?

We did pay for his college and we did know about his struggles. But he was going to school out of state and we thought he was studying like crazy. In his email, he confesses he was just lazy and goofing off. What he lied about was we thought he had applied to Nursing schools and was denied. It turns out he never did actually apply. He was so sure he would fail, he didn’t even try. The scary part is that he confesses in his note all the times he lied to his girlfriend about different things. I pray she can forgive him if he ever does send the confession email to her.

It truly was accidental seeing the email. He had used my computer to print off another email message and forgot to close the window. My email set up displays the body of the email messages. Once my eye caught the first parts of the message, I couldn’t stop reading through my own weakness.

 

[joeybaggz]

My wife and I have one son, 23 years old. He’s always been a great kid. To make it simple, here’s my problem. I just accidentally saw an email he had drafted to his long term girlfriend. I don’t know if he ever actually sent it or not. But in the letter, he confessed to some really major lies he’s been living, including almost flunking out of college.
Do I confront him, which means confessing I saw his email? Or do I need to pretend I never saw it? Based on what he wrote, he truly is sorry for all his lies. I just don’t know what to do.

He’s 23, he’s a man, he doesn’t need daddy to fight his battles anymore; he has to straighten this out himself. Zip you lip, it’s the best thing you can do in this situation. Besides, if you destroy his trust in you by admitting your reading his personal stuff, he might lose the last person he can trust and turn to for advise as he tries to “fix the problem.” Good luck

Shalom

 

[angell1]

He’s not in trouble. I guess I’m mostly worried that he’s carrying all this self loathing and thinking he needs to lie to give people the answers he thinks they want to hear.

The funny thing about the trust issue is now I have no idea what’s true in his life and what’s a lie. My trust in him is destroyed.

I think this is how I would personally approach it.

try to talk to him first, without mentioning the e-mail. maybe him wanting to confess things to his girlfriend means he will eventually come to you too, perhaps he just needs a few days. see if he will open up to you just by having an honest conversation.

if he doen’st, give him some more time.

but if nothing happens, eventually I think you should bring up the fact that you saw it. evenif it was an accident.

if his lying problem has become that bad, he needs some help. pretending to look the other way isn’t going to solve anything. after a while, liars just do it compulsively, they hardly even have to think a bout it anymore.

like you said, you don’t know what is the truth and what isn’t of what he says. you also don’t know if he actually sent the e-mail. maybe he decided to retract because he doen’st want to face up to it. that’s not a good thing.

yes, he is an adult, but you are still his parent, you should still try and guide him whenever possible.

 

[gcook1]

Just a little update… I found a church near us, left my son in the hotel and told him I was going for a walk. I talked to a priest and said a rosary. Feel a TON better! His advice was not to say anything. The fact that my son is writing out a confession says he’s feeling remorse and trying to figure out how to come clean and come out from under all the lies.

By admitting I’ve seen the letter, I’ll only break his trust in me at a time when I need to help him see he CAN trust me and confide in me. I’m going to keep it to myself and just be there to help him pick up the pieces when his lies catch up and things fall apart.

Thanks for everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut. Please keep us in your prayers!

 

[Dorothy]

gcook,

What you did was great!

I’d suggest to keep praying the rosary.

 

[tafan]

I understand the part about not telling him. But I do not understand just standing by and watching my son’s life fall apart and just telling myself I’ll be there to help him pick up the pieces. Ever hear of Humpty Dumpy? . Sometimes picking up the pieces is difficult.

 

[TheAmazingGrace]

I understand the part about not telling him. But I do not understand just standing by and watching my son’s life fall apart and just telling myself I’ll be there to help him pick up the pieces. Ever hear of Humpty Dumpy? . Sometimes picking up the pieces is difficult.

I think the other posters have given solid advice, so I won’t add much. However, speaking as someone who is around the same age as your son, if my parents tried to forcibly insert themselves into my life while I was struggling with personal issues, my first instinct would be to push them away no matter how much I needed them. If you make yourself available, your son will probably come to you when he feels the time is right. At his age, though, the best thing you can do for him is let him be an independent adult. Things might get worse for him if you let him figure things out for himself, but it’s also the only way things can get better.

 

[StGerardMajella]

We did pay for his college and we did know about his struggles. But he was going to school out of state and we thought he was studying like crazy. In his email, he confesses he was just lazy and goofing off.

Is he 23 and still living at home? Is he gainfully employed? It may be time to cut off the tuition.

I agree with the other posters. Keep an open line of communication, but I would be cautious about prying or pushing. At the same time, he might need some serious parental coaching, especially if he is not yet independent. At 23, he should be on his own and gainfully employed.

He had poor grades in college because he was goofing off? Didn’t bother to apply to nursing school because he thought he would fail? These all sound pretty typical for a young adult. In fact, if he wasn’t goofing off in college, I might be a little worried. At the same time, he is old enough to be financially on his own.

 

[Anglewannabe]

We did pay for his college and we did know about his struggles. But he was going to school out of state and we thought he was studying like crazy. In his email, he confesses he was just lazy and goofing off.

First off, he never lied about his marks, so I see nothing wrong with what he did. I know that when I look back I think I goofed off in school. But when I was actually in school, I did feel I was doing my best. Perhaps he is just being hard on himself. But again, since he did not lie about his marks, how they ended up being low is not really relevant

What he lied about was we thought he had applied to Nursing schools and was denied. It turns out he never did actually apply. He was so sure he would fail, he didn’t even try.

OK, there is no denying lying is a sin but… he at least was honest about not going to nursing school. It sounds like he was scared and just out of weakness took the easiest path at the time. Do you think perhaps your expectation of him was so high he felt pressure to lie? At the end of the day, is it not his decision whether or not to go to nursing school?

The scary part is that he confesses in his note all the times he lied to his girlfriend about different things. I pray she can forgive him if he ever does send the confession email to her.
.

uummm… at some point don’t all people lie to their spouse/significant other. Your son is man enough to admit it. (mind you I don’t know what the lies are so they could be over trivial or serious things). But again, at some point a man handles his relationships on his own as an adult.

Again, as much as lying is a sin, I don’t think it is cause for such concern. He seems like he is trying to do the right thing and that is all that matters

Angie

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

We did pay for his college and we did know about his struggles. But he was going to school out of state and we thought he was studying like crazy. In his email, he confesses he was just lazy and goofing off. What he lied about was we thought he had applied to Nursing schools and was denied. It turns out he never did actually apply. He was so sure he would fail, he didn’t even try. The scary part is that he confesses in his note all the times he lied to his girlfriend about different things. I pray she can forgive him if he ever does send the confession email to her.

It truly was accidental seeing the email. He had used my computer to print off another email message and forgot to close the window. My email set up displays the body of the email messages. Once my eye caught the first parts of the message, I couldn’t stop reading through my own weakness.

You did not accidentally read it. You accidentally had access to it. You read it on purpose and in doing so, violated trust and honesty.
Be honest about that.

To be fair, I would have read it too. I just wouldn’t try to excuse it away…

I would be devestated if my parents read an email like that when I was the n my 20s. I struggled with much. And I too lied to myself and others.
I matured out of it, I changed my life and became a husband, a father, and a virtuous man.

He attempted, to communicate private intimate struggles with someone else. If he sent it or not, at least he has a connection with someone he can talk to about these things.

But it’s your actions, not his that have now threatened your relationship with him.

 

[gcook1]

Oh, I totally agree and I vaguely admitted when I said I read the email through my own weakness. Believe me… I feel horrible about that and learned my lesson.