I cannot stress enough how much you need a professional counselor with specific training in coping with situations like yours. The longer you wait, the more confused you daughter will become. I also would highly recommend that you seek the advice of your priest.
No one is saying what he is doing is illegal. You daughter is saying that it bothers her.
I would really caution against telling a 7-year-old that her dad is wrong, sinful, etc. You need to be on the same page with her dad. You can personally disagree with him as the mother of the child, but I don’t think that you should start to paint him in a negative light. If you tell your daughter that he is “living in sin” and things of that ilk, she’s eventually going to be old enough to start relaying these thoughts to him. And then the dad might start to tell the daughter things like, “Your mother is close-minded. She is trying to turn you away from my partner and me.” You need to work together with her dad and not confuse the daughter with so many differing ideologies. Let her choose for herself how she feels about her dad and his partner. As for now, I would keep it simple and explain things truthfully as she asks without peppering in too much of your own opinion. If your daughter feels that she has to choose between two ideologies and hurt one parent in the process things are going to get very messy, and it will be an unfair strain on your daughter. When she’s old enough, you can let her know your feelings, but I really don’t think that you should add a lot of opinion right now, until she’s old enough to decide for herself. Remember, many people in this world (myself included) are fine with homosexuals and feel that a loving God would not want to deny them love. If you spend a lot of time preaching against her father and calling him a sinner, I’d say there will be a good chance that she will start ignoring you and completely take the side of dad and his partner. I really think that the key is working with her father; don’t turn things into a battle and have your daughter feel lost in the middle. It’s just not fair to her.I’m so sorry you are facing this.
I tend to err on the side of more information, because I would worry that without it, she would gradually absorb the understanding that her father’s behavior is normal. And then when she’s older and has already accepted it (and possibly figured the other details out before you could tell her), it might be harder to convince her that your perspective is correct.
My explanation to a 7yo would be something like, “You know how many children have a mommy and a daddy who live together and who love each other? Well sometimes people who are not married want to act like they are married. It’s not right to do that, because God made men and women to get married to each other (let child respond about how much sense that makes), but as you know, sometimes people do things they shouldn’t. (you can talk about wrong choices that even children make, and say that sometimes adults make very big wrong choices) Well every now and then, a man will want to act like he is married to another man instead of another woman. That’s wrong too - because God made men to marry women, not other men. (let child respond about how much sense it makes, given that babies come from mommies) Daddies should be married to mommies. But sometimes people’s thinking doesn’t work quite right, and they get mixed up. Daddy is one of those people. For some reason, he wants to act like he is married to this other man. I am sad for Daddy because I know that it’s not good for him to want to act like he is married to another man. But I think that his thinking is mixed up, and I hope that someday his thinking will get un-mixed up. You can pray for his thinking to get un-mixed up someday too, but you don’t have to worry about it. Even though he’s your daddy, he’s still a person, and sometimes people make wrong choices.”
There just isn’t any good way to proceed with this. If the OP says little, then the father and his BF (and the next one, and the next one) can have unimpeded access to the little girl’s mind, heart and emotions, and thoroughly brainwash her to believe that they are doing NOTHING WRONG and that the world is against them and they are victims.
Yes, that’s my point.
I’m not sure why you would assume that there will be multiple boyfriends. Perhaps the girl’s father and his partner will be together for the long run. Anyway, I’d like to point to the portion that I bolded. Many people do believe that they are doing nothing wrong and that homosexuals are being victimized. I’m liberal in this arena. I have quite a few homosexual friends, and I just can’t see them as disordered or wrong. But my views are irrelevant. You say that you don’t want the dad and partner to brainwash the daughter, but if the mother gives her opinions, then isn’t that brainwashing too? Let’s look at it this way: If the dad imparts his opinions, then it’s brainwashing, but if the mother gives the views that are in accordance with her religion, then it’s acceptable? I’m sorry, but anyone could turn it around and say that the mother is brainwashing. This little girl’s life will be different from the norm, but different doesn’t have to mean bad. She’ll have the support of her mother and the dad and partner. I think, however, if the situation turns to having the parents bashing each other and not being able to remain neutral, then it will be upsetting and unfair to the little girl. I’m going to assume that the mother feels that homosexuality is wrong, while the dad and partner do not. Both parties are entitled to their beliefs, but I don’t think it’s fair to get the daughter mixed up in these differing ideologies. Both parties should focus on the little girl and do their best to explain things honestly and in an age-appropriate manner, but the real task is going to be in remaining cordial and not making the girl feel like she has to choose her mother’s religion over her dad’s lifestyle.
Except that this is not a stranger, this is the child’s father and he has the exact same right she does to pass on his beliefs and values. The OP is not being persecuted and the government is not being totalitarian. In fact, it would be far more totalitarian if it came in and told him what values he could pass on to his daughter.
Agreed.
This!
OTOH, this could also be a time to teach one’s child that having a moral code does not mean we control other people or that we have any reason not to be patient and kind to those who have a different moral code or even those who fail to follow even the moral code they say themselves is right. Being able to say this action or that is right or wrong is not license to say that we can read their heart or get to judge what God thinks of someone else. I think the OP can honestly say that her ex-husband is trying to do his best to do the right thing, or is doing so as much as the error-prone people we all are have this way of doing.
Unlikely. The media has taken to portraying the life of gay men as being just like that of heterosexual couples, but it isn’t like that, by and large. Of course HIV/AIDS did change the behavior of many gay men, for a while, but gay men are well known to be very promiscuous - many of them have multiple sexual encounters even withing a “committed” relationship.
Just because he is her biological father (a role he has clearly rejected except for when it suits him to pretend) does not give him the right to do or say anything to his daughter. The child’s rights come first.
You are right. Interestingly, the girl has already voiced to her Mom that it is “weird”.
Thing is, she can’t possibly be on the same page as the dad on this issue.
And this is why your situation is screaming out for professional counseling. I hope for your daughter’s sake she’s getting it.
I agree, but I specify counseling with a Catholic counselor. A secular counselor would likely say her father’s choice is a legitimate lifestyle choice and not see the problems a Catholic counselor would handle.
Do you know exactly what made her uncomfortable? Was it that her father was showing affection to another man - or could it be that he was showing affection to anyone that wasn’t you? or even that he was showing affection in public - or in front of her?
