Need advice fast

[Sierrah]

Thanks and yes I am supporting her. She is not going to her attorney just yet and I don’t know her reasons why. I do know that her ex has not stop bothering me now. He keeps emailing me. She told me he will not stop now either. She is meeting with him tomorrow and really doesn’t want to, but he is the one who insisted. I called her to tell her what he wrote in his last email that I should be praying for my sister for she is going to be making the biggest mistake of her life. He doesn’t get that he was the one who asked for the divorce and she asked for a separation trial to see if he needed time apart and he insisted on a fast divorce. She is living in fear. I hate to see her like this. I also advised her to call those abused women hotline, not that she is abused of physically, but emotionally and she admits to that. I hope she takes my advice. Please, pray for her.

Sounds like he is harrassing you. I would save the emails and print them out in for future reference incase you have to get a restraining order against this guy.

 

[Kindness]

I don’t think your sister or any other family member should meet this man alone. She should seek a restraining order sooner rather than later so that their children would also always be chaperoned if they meet their father.

 

[puzzleannie]

I I have not told this to my husband and part of me is thinking I should not call him and part of me is saying I need to call him. What do you all think? I feel the Lord is calling me to talk to him, but I don’t want to screw things up. This man has a temper too, but I am use to dealing with men with tempers for I am married to one.

What is your advice? Call or not call. Get involve or not?

I see at least 2 red flags, and one yellow caution light. The first is not telling your husband, if there is something about this situation that is putting separation between the two of you that is bad on the face of it. I don’t mean disclosing your sister’s confidence to your husband, but getting involved on some situation beyond your abilities.

You do not say so outright but there is a definite tone in your account that seems to give reason to believe this man may be, or become, verbally or even physically abusive to your sister or his children. That alone is reason enough for her to insist on 3rd party mediation when and if they meet. She should refer him to her lawyer, or insist they meet in the presence of a qualified counsellor when they do meet, so he does not get the upper hand and intimidate her, which has been, in your account, his pattern.

It is also reason enough for you refuse to become involved.

The third warning is the fact that this seems to have become an occasion for family members to take sides, and that everything in this couple’s situation is open for discussion and intervention by any and all family members. Praying for them and giving sensible advice is fine, but talking and working behind people’s backs is not.

 

[nana3]

I see at least 2 red flags, and one yellow caution light. The first is not telling your husband, if there is something about this situation that is putting separation between the two of you that is bad on the face of it. I don’t mean disclosing your sister’s confidence to your husband, but getting involved on some situation beyond your abilities.

You do not say so outright but there is a definite tone in your account that seems to give reason to believe this man may be, or become, verbally or even physically abusive to your sister or his children. That alone is reason enough for her to insist on 3rd party mediation when and if they meet. She should refer him to her lawyer, or insist they meet in the presence of a qualified counsellor when they do meet, so he does not get the upper hand and intimidate her, which has been, in your account, his pattern.

It is also reason enough for you refuse to become involved.

The third warning is the fact that this seems to have become an occasion for family members to take sides, and that everything in this couple’s situation is open for discussion and intervention by any and all family members. Praying for them and giving sensible advice is fine, but talking and working behind people’s backs is not.

The secrecy no longer exist. My husband knows and all my sisters know. I told my dh, but my sister, the one I speak about here told her story to me first when I called her about her ex contacting me and then she told the rest of the family the nightmare she has been living for almost a year. All this time we thought she was adjusting well with the divorce and having a friendly relationship with her ex and it was all a show. She said she did not want to worry anyone, but now she was very worried herself and wanted to know if she had just cause or was being paranoid. I was not the first to tell her that she had just cause to be concern.

She did meet with her ex in a public place and she told him that he needs to stop texting her so much and bothering her and needs to accept their divorce. He said he would accept the divorce eventually, but he would not stop texting her. She told him to leave her family out of it like me and my father, but he said he had one last email to email to me. I don’t know what that is about nor her, but she wants a copy of it. She told me not to respond for if I do, he will continue to write. She knows he is controlling and the night before she met with him, he emailed me telling me to pray without ceasing for my sister for she is about to make the biggest mistake of her life. He knew the news would be bad for he asked her before hand. She said he cried alot in the meeting and is hurt, but it was all his doing. She reminded him how he was the one who wanted the divorce and didn’t want to work things out and didn’t even want a separation and his response was, “You left me way before I left you.” She told me that night before meeting him that she felt emotionally abused and I said that is because you are being emotionally abused. I didn’t want her to meet with him and she really didn’t want to either for she said he always made her fell so bad afterwards, but she prepared herself emotionally this time. I don’t know if this will end things for him, but I don’t think so. I think he will follow up with the email he will send me. I think that is why he is going to send me an email. He wants to state his side. I have told him I don’t want to get in the middle of it. He told my sister, he has disowned his two adopted sisters too. He lost all his friends and even his pastor is not speaking to him. He has no one. She thinks that is why he may now cling to me, but I won’t allow that and my dh won’t allow that.

Thanks for your advice, and that idea of keeping all the emails I don’t remember if it was you or someone else, but whoever it was thanks. I am going to tell my sister to keep all her text messages and emails from him too. She sent me one from him and it was not angry but it showed how he doesn’t accept the divorce at all. He is fine to date, but he gets jealous if she does. That is just not normal. She did tell him that he was acting obsessive and he got upset with that word. But yes, he is controlling and in their marriage, he has pushed her which counts as domestic violence and none of us knew. So he can become violent. She won’t do the RO yet. She thinks he is just hurt. I hope she is right and not just naive.

Unfortunately, he has contact with my parents for he drops off the kids at their houses when his weekend is over and my niece who babysits the kids. I never see him. One of the kids is going to have a birthday soon and if my sister gives a party, he will be there and we will all see him too. His parents will be there too though but that relationship is hurting too since he won’t speak to his sisters who are the real biological children of his parents. They are hurting over all this too.

 

[nana3]

I don’t think your sister or any other family member should meet this man alone. She should seek a restraining order sooner rather than later so that their children would also always be chaperoned if they meet their father.

Unfortunately, this has to be court ordered to have supervised visitation. It is not easy to get here in Florida. I know because my other sister who is also divorce tried to get it for her two children who were being abused emotionally and physically and had two psychologist go on the stand and tell the judge that the dad should have supervised visitation, the judge did not listen and the dad was allowed to see the kids alone. The abused continued. Sad but true. It all is up to the judge and who you get. My sister does live in a different county, so she could get a better judge, but she has to prove abuse and she has yet to put those kids in counseling. They won’t listen the hearsay of a mother or aunts and family members. I just know from experience. I hate the system. It is not here to protect the kids. Sorry, I can’t get started on that subject.