Need Advice for a Friend

[EqualinHim]

Hey guys. I need advice for a situation with a friend. My friend is a protestant, but I am going through RCIA. My friend has an interesting family situation. She was conceived out of wedlock as a ‘bar baby’ and has had no close relationship with her father. He wasn’t involved for the first few years of her life. When he finally did get involved in her life, he did some things that could be counted as neglect/abuse (i.e. leaving her alone, unsupervised for hours on end when he went out to drink and ignoring her when she fell and injured herself). He hasn’t been in contact with her much in the last few months. Recently, my friend had a birthday. Her mom, other family members, coworkers, and friends got together to celebrate. Guess who was noticeably absent? Her dad. She tried not to let it show, but she was clearly upset that he wasn’t there. He said that ‘he forgot’ but that seems like a hollow excuse. The question I have is this: if I encourage her to cut off contact with her dad completely, am I encouraging her to sin? I feel conflicted on this. On one hand, I hope and pray for my friend and her dad to reconcile and develop a strong relationship. On another hand, I fear that he is a toxic influence on her life. It frustrates me to no end that he doesn’t seem to care for his daughter’s health and happiness. Her father also has another daughter by a different woman. He let his other daughter go into the foster care system rather than stepping up to be a decent parent. In the Catholic view, is it morally right for a child to cut their parents out of their lives in a situation like this? Like I said, I’m worried that by encouraging her to keep her distance from her father, I might be encouraging her to sin. It’s a huge cross for her to bear and it breaks my heart every time he disappoints her.

 

[Xantippe]

She doesn’t have to cut off contact. But she doesn’t need to feel obligated to do 100% of the heavy lifting of creating a relationship out of nothing. She can send him a Christmas card, birthday card, Father’s Day card (if she can stomach it) or whatever (maybe a very casual Facebook relationship?) and the rest of the time, if he wants to get in touch with her, he can get in touch with her.

She shouldn’t feel obligated to chase him.

 

[Xantippe]

She also shouldn’t get her hopes up and she should probably work with a counselor, because it sounds like she’s got a lot of stuff to work through.

 

[LoveTLM]

This sounds like a difficult situation and I’m sorry your friend is going through this. You seem to care a lot about her, so I can see why you are upset by his treatment of her. That being said, has your friend asked your advice on the matter? I only ask because if she hasn’t, she may not be as open to what you have to say. If she is still hopeful for and willing to work toward a relationship with her father, then encouraging her to cut him off may drive her away from you.

Honoring our parents doesn’t mean we are to put up with an abusive relationship. It means being respectful and charitable. It means keeping in mind that our parents gave us life and often times sacrificed quite a bit for us (this may or may not be the case for your friend and her father). In some cases it means limiting contact when the relationship seems to be a cause or temptation of sin for either party. Like @Xantippe suggested, this may not be a situation where the father needs to be cut off completely. Your friend may need to change her expectations about the relationship if she wants to avoid getting hurt further, but that would be a decision she needs to make on her own.