Need Advice From Older Women Who Live in Loveless Marriage

[stayathomemom]

Sparkle,

I would like to give you some insight with my experience in dealing with someone with a head injury. My step grandfather had a serious head injury 35 years ago that almost killed him. He worked on machines at a bakery, and while doing his work one day, someone came and turned on a machine not realizing he was there and he got his head stuck in the machine. It compressed his head so much he had to have a metal plate put in his skull to replace parts of it.

The accident affected his speech, his emotions, his thought process, but it didn’t change the love in his heart. When the accident happened, he wasn’t a part of our family yet. See, he was married previously before he married my grandmother. His first wife had a hard time dealing with “the person” who came home from the hospital after the accident. She stayed with him for 5 years (i think) after the accident, but just couldn’t handle the patience it took to take care of him anymore. They both mutually decided to end the marriage. Then he met my grandmother.

They were together for 25 years before his death in Jan of last year. I NEVER saw that man mad, upset, irritated or annoyed. He ALWAYS had a smile on his face and it’s as if he didn’t have a care in the world. He didn’t have an opinion on what he wanted to eat, wear, or do. He just did what my grandmother wanted. Occasionally, he would crack jokes about my grandmother, which when I think about it brings me to laugh out loud. See, I didn’t know him BEFORE his accident. I only know the person after the accident, and I LOVE(D) him so much!!! My grandmother was very manipulative (a whole other story) towards his children, and he never showed any emotion about it one way or another. Any “normal” person would have an opinion one way or another - but not him. He was by no means crazy, just a little slow with his thought process. To me - he was normal. He did have an opinion about one thing, and that was fishing. He LOVED that and he LOVED to go with my husband. I felt like I lost my father the day he died. He was by far a diamond in the ruff, and I thank God everyday for bringing him into my life.

All I am trying to say is to strongly consider that your husbands problem with his emotions could very well be related to his accident and his head injuries. I know it’s hard for you because you know the person “before” the accident. Try to accept this “new” person that God has sent to you and be patient and kind towards him. This accident could be a blessing in disguise.

 

[sparkle]

stayathomemom:

Sparkle,
Alll I am trying to say is to strongly consider that your husbands problem with his emotions could very well be related to his accident and his head injuries. I know it’s hard for you because you know the person “before” the accident. Try to accept this “new” person that God has sent to you and be patient and kind towards him. This accident could be a blessing in disguise.

Why thank you so much “stayathome” for sharing this marvelous and most touching story of your precious ones with me. What an honor to have heard this! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Your grandfather sounds alot like my husband. Not caring what he eats, does, etc…My dh was always really like this, but I guess after his head injury it’s just so much more pronounced. He’s, as I said, an empty shell of a man. Always has been. I feel so lonely and alone, and un-loved, all the same. I suppose I never even thought of bringing his accident too much into the entire scene before, because everyone was saying to me, how “he’s so blessed…how he’s recovered from this awful accident”…“how he’s not any different”…how" I’m so lucky to have my dh back"…etc., etc. I just always went along with these views. Never realizing before how he has been so deeply affected by this accident, and no one in the world knew except me. All the pain I had to endure because of it, no one understood, and still doesn’t. They all think, I must be the one “going through the change”, etc…and “how marvelous ______ has made a full recovery, etc.”…They don’t even have a clue, the way he really is, the changes in his brain, mood, and behavior. They don’t know. This is really difficult.

All the more reason for my feeling so completely alone, and abandoned here.
Thank you friends for even pointing this out to me. I haven’t really given much thought to his accident for the past several years. But perhaps it really does play a role in his behavior and our marriage. I thank you for the reminder of this. I just don’t know exactly what to do here.

Thanks again and God Bless You All

 

[Della]

sparkle:

Hi Della! Thank you for your response, and taking your time today to do so. That means so much to me. Well, it’s been 6 years now since my husband’s brain injury and subsequent “craniotomy” (head surgery). I went to a “head injury support group” once–they were all folks with parents in “homes” and I really could not relate. One gal said: “I could not imagine if this was my husband…I couldn’t handle it.”…this made me cry. And then after his doctors said: “we have no way to tell if his behaviors are a result of the accident or otherwise”…I just said “forget it”. But maybe Della, I should pursue it further. There really isn’t a group for head injuries I’ve found yet, other than old folks who have had a serious stroke. I haven’t thought of now for a few years, but maybe you’re right, and I should go back and pursue it further. You see, everyone who knows and sees my husband, sees no changes whatsoever. They all have said to me: “You’re so lucky your husband is totally healed”. Not so. I live with him. I see the void in his life, the lack of emotion. Well, he was always passive, non-emotional, etc., but I suppose since his head injury it’s gotten so much worse.

Thank you Della for your reminding me of such. If it wasn’t for you, I might not have looked into it any further. I appreciate your reply more than you know.

You really need a group of people with the same problems, so don’t let them dump you into any old head injury/stroke group. Be pushy, if you have to be, because only you can know what you need and what you are dealing with.

These days there is a lot more information and a lot more help for families of those with particular needs, such as your husbands. I pray you find some real support in your area. God bless you, dear heart.

 

[anamchara]

I apologize sparkle, I didn’t read after your first post and never caught the serious head injury problem. Please see my post in the water cooler, God Bless

 

[stayathomemom]

Sparkle,

Let’s look at your husband not having any emotions or opinions from a positive point of view. I know for my grandfather, he was a laid back person before. The head injury just made him more care free. What a blessing!! Sometimes I wish I could be so laid back .

My grandmother made it her “life” to take care of this man. She took care of him with so much love and compassion. Now mind you, if you would have seen him, you would have never known there was something wrong “upstairs”. He walked, ate, and talked just like you and I - he was just a tad bit hard to understand. But trust me, his mental state was just as strong as ours. It’s just so hard to explain without you not knowing him!

Let me give you some examples of how my grandmother handled him and his “unopinionated” mind:

Grandma: What do you want for dinner?
Pop: I don’t care.
Grandma: Rice and Gravy sounds good to you?
Pop: That’s good!

End of story. Grandma fixes the plate, Pop eats, and everyone goes to bed happy.

Grandma: Let’s go grocery shopping.
Pop: OK
Grandma: Where do you think we should go this week?
Pop: Winn Dixie sounds good.

AHHH! A response. So Grandma and Pop go to Winn Dixie since Pop actually suggested something!

Your husband is not an empty shell. He has a soul, a heart, and his head injury may impair him from expressing his feelings in a normal way. He may think it, but actually expressing it is a whole other ball of wax. It’s easy for us to express our feelings, but not for a injured person. You have to learn how to deal with it.

I know the other day I called my husband and asked him about going to the mall. (we have 2 where I live). I asked him which one he preferred going to. He named one. I said, “well let’s go to the other one” and gave my reasons why I didn’t want to go to the one he suggested. He said “now do you see why I say “whatever” and don’t tell you what I want. You always do what you want anyway.” I cut the conversation short, put my tail between my legs and went to the mall he suggested. I never realized I did that, which now I know he is sometimes “unopinionated” because he avoids a petty argument. Smart man!!

 

[DVIN_CKS]

I have a book you may like: Surrender: Your Way to Spiritual Health and Freedom. by Mary Hynes, PH.D.
I read this book and found it very enlightening. St. Anthony Messenger Press puts it out and it is a very good Christian/Catholic read.

Also, my sister-in-law discovered after almost 20 years of marriage that her husband had Asperger’s Syndrome. Not sure if you are familiar with it but can get info here: faaas.org/

From the above website:
One woman wrote:

"Is anyone listening?.. We, the families with our blistered hearts and souls and damaged psyche, are the end-product of undiagnosed and untreated Asperger’s Syndrome. How many families are suffering out there? The feelings of rejection and loneliness plays a major role in the lives of the Aspergers’ family. You and your feelings are not recognized by the afflicted person. "

Not sure if your husband would fall into this category or not. I thought of it only because you said that he has always been like this even before his accident. He may have always had Asperger’s syndrome and his accident has only made it more pronounced. I don’t know??? Only you can be the judge. Does your husband seem to care that you are so lonely? Do you tell him that you are feeling unloved? If so, how does he react or respond to you?

 

[sparkle]

DVIN CKS:

I have a book you may like: Surrender: Your Way to Spiritual Health and Freedom. by Mary Hynes, PH.D.
I read this book and found it very enlightening. St. Anthony Messenger Press puts it out and it is a very good Christian/Catholic read.

Does your husband seem to care that you are so lonely? Do you tell him that you are feeling unloved? If so, how does he react or respond to you?

Thanks alot!! He never instinctively knows how I’m ever feeling. I attribute that to him being a man!! And I usually don’t tell him, unless I don’t feel well physically. If I say anything, he usually doesn’t react at all. He’s not a very compassionate person at all. He never says “how are you?” If I ask him to rub my back ever–he will–and he’s a fantastic masseuese!! Maybe I should start sharing my feelings more with him. His mom was very controlling, and doting, she babied him to no end—so I don’t think he ever learned how to care about anyone else. Gee wives need doting now and then too, right???

 

[puzzleannie]

sparkle:

Thank you!
May I ask you puzzleannie, why do you think is it not a good idea to discuss this with any of my siblings? One sister is like my best friend.

I have a strong bias against bringing relatives, including your adult children, into matters that are properly between husband and wife, ie. discussing the frequency and quality of lovemaking, revealing his failings, infidelities etc… I have observed the deep and lasting damage that can be done in breaking a confidence. It takes most men a lot of effort to be able to open up about feelings, share things that are deeply important to them, and when we go chattering about it to our sisters etc. they can see this as betrayal. You can share your feelings with your sister but you have no right to share what is between you and your husband, or what belongs to your husband. It should go without saying that in cases of necessity - abuse, possibility of medical problem etc. you would consult the appropriate professional.

 

[sparkle]

puzzleannie:

I have a strong bias against bringing relatives, including your adult children, into matters that are properly between husband and wife, ie. discussing the frequency and quality of lovemaking, revealing his failings, infidelities etc… I have observed the deep and lasting damage that can be done in breaking a confidence. It takes most men a lot of effort to be able to open up about feelings, share things that are deeply important to them, and when we go chattering about it to our sisters etc. they can see this as betrayal. You can share your feelings with your sister but you have no right to share what is between you and your husband, or what belongs to your husband. It should go without saying that in cases of necessity - abuse, possibility of medical problem etc. you would consult the appropriate professional./QUOTE

Puzzleannie:

You’re right! Thanks so much! And Happy Easter!