Need advice from you..

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Marilena

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I have a brother who is Catholic. Mom and I were speaking yesterday about items we gave him when he asked for them. This is the issue:

I gave him a lovely Lourdes Rosary with Holy Water in it for his 50th birthday 2 years ago. Last fall, he spoke to me on the phone, and told me he gave it away. He also gave away the Holy Face medal
I gave him. My mom gave him a Catholic item too, and he gave it away.

I once gave him a black Rosary for Christmas in 97. He gave it away.
My sister gave him the traditional brown scapular I gave to her as a
gift. He likely gave that away as well. I figure that if he wants to give away these gifts we give him, he can do so. But the thing that bugs me, is why give away a birthday and Christmas gift meant for you?

Yes, people could need them. But, would it not be better if he simply purchased the items himself and gave them away, rather than giving a gift meant for him away? Then, when he has no items, he comes to me, and asks me for more, and I find out he uses them for a short time, and gives them away. ( he told me this himself ) Should I care that gifts meant for him is being given away to others? Iam not a person with alot of money! If I was, I’d purchase inexpensive items, and keep them for such circumstances as this.

I was kind of hurt when he told me he gave away his birthday gift.
He knows we do not have alot of money, and when I buy something for him as a gift, I mean him to keep it. Am I being selfish? I set aside a certain amount of money, that took me awhile to get, bought the Lourdes Rosary for him, and 1 year later, he gives it away. It kind of hurt me a bit. Should I care? The other thing that bugs me is is, he comes back and asks for more items.
I want to know if I should just say no? I also need to let him know
that it is hard for me to afford these items, and know that he gives them away. I have not said anything to him about this. don’t know if I should?

I don’t want to hurt my brothers feelings. If I say no to him, and I know he needs them, I’ll feel badly. What should I do?
 
Once you give someone a gift, you have no further claims on it. The gift becomes theirs to do what they want. Maybe he has several of similar things or maybe he is happy to be able to give such gifts to others. Assume the best motives about why he is giving your gifts away. If it really bothers you, stop giving him gifts. Send him a card, a Mass card, a gift card, or whatever makes you comfortable. At least he isn’t throwing away your gifts in the trash. (And even if he did, that is his right.) Not everyone is going to like what we give them or need it or have space for it. Swallow hard and try not to get upset. Anything you do (such as saying something to him or stewing about it) will only make things worse. Try not to take it personally.
 
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ReginaNova:
Once you give someone a gift, you have no further claims on it. The gift becomes theirs to do what they want. Maybe he has several of similar things or maybe he is happy to be able to give such gifts to others. Assume the best motives about why he is giving your gifts away. If it really bothers you, stop giving him gifts. Send him a card, a Mass card, a gift card, or whatever makes you comfortable. At least he isn’t throwing away your gifts in the trash. (And even if he did, that is his right.) Not everyone is going to like what we give them or need it or have space for it. Swallow hard and try not to get upset. Anything you do (such as saying something to him or stewing about it) will only make things worse. Try not to take it personally.
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your right of course. I have never said anything to him about it. nor will I. I know it is his right to give it away once he has it. but, then he comes back and asks me for more. I think maybe I need to tell him that he needs to purchase his own items, as I can’t really afford to buy him stuff. i do it because he is my brother. I love my brother. I don’t want to hurt his feelings. If I say no, it might. When my family gives me a gift, I treasure it. I could never part with it.
What I would do, is go buy inexpensive items if someone needed it, and give it to them. Am I selfish?
 
I don’t think you are selfish. I would be annoyed too.

But what really bothers me is that your 50 year old brother is coming to you and asking you for gifts. Whats up with that? :confused: My brother 46 year old brother would never do that… and I love my brother emmensely.
Just seems kind of odd.
But - I would definatly NOT grant his wishes anymore. If you have to give him a gift, buy him dinner and a card. Or send a charity gift in his name to a mission or monestary of his liking. Gifts are also suppose to be an expression of the giver - so you have the control of giving whatever you want. Make him a cake, or a batch of cookies, or something he can’t give away.
 
Does he not know where to get religious items himself? Maybe point him in the direction of a Catholic bookstore.
 
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ridesawhitehors:
I don’t think you are selfish. I would be annoyed too.

But what really bothers me is that your 50 year old brother is coming to you and asking you for gifts. Whats up with that? :confused: My brother 46 year old brother would never do that… and I love my brother emmensely.
Just seems kind of odd.

My brother is poor, and he has a good heart. Thats why he asks for Catholic items, he cant afford to buy them.
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I have a policy that if anyone asks for a rosary (even my very favorite), I give it to them. It sometimes is very hard to do. It may be that your brother is feeling this same call. In that way, he is being obedient to the Holy Spirit.

I bet the Blessed Mother is standing over your shoulder smiling when you give him these very wonderful presents. Perhaps, you could look at giving again and again as a way to make her smile even more. 🙂

Thank God, someone is using your sacramentals. My brother put in a drawer the holy water font and holy water I gave him for his housewarming present. 😦

I think your brother is so happy to do for someone else what you do for him. If he really is poor, it must be hard for him not to be able to give presents. I think if you say something to him, you will only hurt his feelings and make him feel “little.”
 
I had a brain storm. If your brother would enjoy making rosaries to give away for missions, he could do it inexpensively at:

olrm.net/

Our Lady’s Rosary Makers.
 
JMJ Theresa:
I had a brain storm. If your brother would enjoy making rosaries to give away for missions, he could do it inexpensively at:

olrm.net/

Our Lady’s Rosary Makers.
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Thanks, but my big brother would not have the patience to make one:( But, I thought about what you said, and think your right. Thank you for reaching my heart, and sharing this with me! God bless you!!!
 
I was actually quite touched by your brother, giving away a gift…it means he’s not unnaturally attached to earthly things, I think it’s beautiful! It’s what St Therese of Lisieux used to do, if her family gave her a hair-pin or whatever, she’d give it to someone who in her opinion needed it more…I like it, he sounds very warm-hearted 👍 !

Anna x
 
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ReginaNova:
Once you give someone a gift, you have no further claims on it. The gift becomes theirs to do what they want. Maybe he has several of similar things or maybe he is happy to be able to give such gifts to others. Assume the best motives about why he is giving your gifts away. If it really bothers you, stop giving him gifts. Send him a card, a Mass card, a gift card, or whatever makes you comfortable. At least he isn’t throwing away your gifts in the trash. (And even if he did, that is his right.) Not everyone is going to like what we give them or need it or have space for it. Swallow hard and try not to get upset. Anything you do (such as saying something to him or stewing about it) will only make things worse. Try not to take it personally.
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Great response!
 
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Marilena:
I gave him a lovely Lourdes Rosary with Holy Water in it for his 50th birthday 2 years ago. Last fall, he spoke to me on the phone, and told me he gave it away. He also gave away the Holy Face medal
I gave him. My mom gave him a Catholic item too, and he gave it away.

I once gave him a black Rosary for Christmas in 97. He gave it away.
My sister gave him the traditional brown scapular I gave to her as a
gift. He likely gave that away as well. I figure that if he wants to give away these gifts we give him, he can do so. But the thing that bugs me, is why give away a birthday and Christmas gift meant for you?

Yes, people could need them. But, would it not be better if he simply purchased the items himself and gave them away, rather than giving a gift meant for him away? Then, when he has no items, he comes to me, and asks me for more, and I find out he uses them for a short time, and gives them away. ( he told me this himself ) Should I care that gifts meant for him is being given away to others? Iam not a person with alot of money! If I was, I’d purchase inexpensive items, and keep them for such circumstances as this.

I don’t want to hurt my brothers feelings. If I say no to him, and I know he needs them, I’ll feel badly. What should I do?
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Abraham had a son that he waitted for and loved! God told him to offer his son to him as a sacrifice. Abraham with heavy heart obeyed God. Then seeing how devoted to God Abraham was, God sent an Angel to stop Abraham from killing his son.

If God is telling your brother to give these items to the needy who are we to judge him? These items are material items and only aid in our worship of God. If we put too much emphasis on the object, who is getting the greater honor? Have you ever though that you were part of God’s plan to spread the message of the Lord? You say your brother is too poor to purchase these items but you have plenty. Your brother could be doing the actually bidding but you are giving him the objests needs for his journey.

I do know how you feel, but if it had not happened to me and my parents on many occassions, I might agree with your feelings. It is hard to say no to God when he tells you to give up something. My mother wore a special Benedictine Cross for several years then when she was on a trip, a man noticed her cross admiringly. Then God told her to give it to the man. She was hesitant at first, but gave it to the man. The man had been away from the church for sometime and was discerning his new interest in the RCC. My father had a Eucharistic Adoration medal blessed by JPII. While in a store one day, a man made notice of the metal while they were in the check out line. My father heard a voice say to give it to the man. He took it off his shirt and gave it to the man. When my father gave it to him, he told him that it was from their last trip from Rome when the pope blessed it. The man teared up and showed my father his priestly atire under his coat. He told my father he thought his abilty to see the JPII had ended and his abilty to go to Rome, but my dad’s unexpected gift had rejuvenated his desire and gave him hope for a new mission under the next pope. This story happened just after JPII’s death.

So, as my mother now says when she gives us holy gifts, this might be yours or it might be something you are ment to pass on to someone else who needs it more than you. You can never go wrong if you let God lead you! 👍
 
If your brother is poor and cannot afford to give gifts to those he feels are in need, then he is passing on something he treasures to someone he knows needs and would treasure the same gift.

Perhaps you could order rosaries,medals, etc. very inexpensive, just for him to give away. You could give them to him for a special day, like his birthday, Christmas, etc. This way he wouldn’t have to ask you and he would have his supply just ready to give out.

I knew a wonderful priest who gave all his gifts away to those he felt “really” needed the item. This man accepted graciously and gave even more graciously. Father would shiver in the cold so that someone could feel the warmth of the coat we gave him. Be proud you have that caring brother.

Love and peace,

Momof 5
 
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anna1978:
I was actually quite touched by your brother, giving away a gift…it means he’s not unnaturally attached to earthly things, I think it’s beautiful! It’s what St Therese of Lisieux used to do, if her family gave her a hair-pin or whatever, she’d give it to someone who in her opinion needed it more…I like it, he sounds very warm-hearted 👍 !

Anna x
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I give just about everything away and hope the givers are not offended. If I have ten rosaries and nine other people could be praying with them why keep them?
 
I have to admit that I am often like your brother. I have a cousin who is a priest and sends me wonderful books and I have read them and given most of them away already. Several were on confession and a lapsed catholic told me one day that his hesitation about returning to the church revolved around making a confession after years of being away. I went right into the house and took all the books I had on it and gave them to him. My feeling is that the Holy Spirit works through us and as a former “material girl” it has helped me enormously to learn that things are things, but in the right hands at the right time things can be miracles. Don’t be too upset with your brother but at the same time you may want to let him know that you think it’s great that he gives things away, but you might not always be able to replace them for him. That is really understandable. Also, maybe when you give him something very special, let him know that this is especially for him and that you want him to keep this one item to use himself.
 
You can find rosaries for less than $1 each at www.totallycatholic.com - under Rosaries, look at Budget Rosaries, then scroll down to find some for .89 each!

I’m sure there are other outlets for very inexpensive rosaries -

And, your brother sounds like me - I’ve given away many favorite rosaries!
 
I love to make Rosaries of all different varieties–wire, chain, cord, knotted, and I’m about to learn how to make a twine one 🙂 My problem is having people to give them to! Maybe I need to get in touch with your brother’s friends 😃

My first inclination was to write “Don’t give him any more presents!” But after reading some of the other responses, I’m not sure that’s the best thing to do :o
 
I think the answer is not to refrain from giving your brother presents, but don’t give him things that you are attached to, because they don’t carry the same meaning for him. But really, you need to ask yourself why this bothers you so much. I mean, a brown scapular is a fairly inexpensive item. Don’t they usually break in time anyway (at least ours seem to!). In a way, I think your response to all of this is a little selfish.Perhaps you should buy yourself all of the lovely religious items as well, so at least if he gives away something you treasured, you still have another one at home to treasure. True feelings of unconditional love and acceptance of your brother are far more important than bad feelings created by objects that you have given him over the years.
 
Thank you all so much for your help, and your insight. God bless you!
 
I hope this does not sound critical. I just want to encourage self-analysis and reflection.

A true gift is something totally given away, as someone mentioned earlier.

This tendency among many to feel hurt when their gift is given away can indicate attachment and not total giving away.

Have you considered whether you have truly given these things to your brother as gifts? Based on your description, they seem to have very strong invisible strings still connected to your hands/heart.

Thus, instead of “gifting” them away – you just moved their location from your shelves to his.
 
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