Need Advice Help Marriage Going Down in Flames

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Magnehelic

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Hi all,
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 A little over a month ago, my wife booted my son and I out of "her" house (she's been there 24 years, us just 5) and it was a combination of her not knowing how to deal with my son (13, and very frustrating......possibly ADD) and the problems we have faced with her adult child (25 year old woman with a 4 1/2 year old daughter) and the fact that her daughter refuses to care for her little girl.
We fought constantly on both of these issues......and in my opinion she was getting to be downright abusive with my son.  Now she wants us back, but has moved her daughter and granddaughter into the house, and the daughter parties non-stop while she (while we.....when I was still there) take care of the granddaughter.  Here is the rub......she cannot in good conscience (her words not mine) kick the daughter to the curb, and let the granddaughter suffer for the fact that her daughter won't take proper care of her.  To make matters worse, the biological sperm donor is now suing for custody, making the situation even more critical (and admittedly my wife even understands why he is suing, and that her daughter is unfit) but she does believe that her daughter is MORE fit than the father (i am not so sure).  My wife HATES living with her daughter.  She has stolen her car and taken off in the middle of the night twice in the last week, doesn't help with the housework (now that I'm not living there, I don't either) but she doesn't know what to do.  The daughter hates my guts, and has been out to destroy our marriage from day one.
 My son and I are living 10 blocks away in an apartment, and we of course are miserable.  My wife has just had a two year battle with cancer (looks like she won too thank the Lord) and is now in full blown fibromyalgia, and obviously cannot take care of the house, the daughter, the grandaughter, and herself at once.  I think she is also going through menopause right now, and her judgement is absolutely out to lunch.
 I am in the process of trying to get my son evaluated for ADD or anything else that might explain his lack of effort in school, or on chores at home (as if all of this chaos wouldn't explain it)....but no.....really, that is something we have been fighting for years, and now that he and I are alone together, I am thinking he has more going on than meets the eye.....or than I know what to do with.
 We are currently in marriage counseling, and getting along fine as long as we stay away from teh hot button issues (gee......like her lack of discipline with her daughter, and over compensating for it on my son).
If you have no advice, could you at least remember us in your prayers?

Thanks,

Don
 
I am sure others will come in with other opinions, but I would first take care of your son. I have a daughter with ADD syptoms, and and it is hell for her to study (my oldest—fifteen) she is highly sensitive to other people’s emotional turmoil, and needs absolute tranquility in the house to study ( I have to take the two yr old OUT of the house). I have had the same problems, so I know the hell of not finishing tasks because of a profound restlessness.

Get your son evaluated as you are planning, but be sensitive to his needs. I only have the reference of knowing my daughter’s and my suffering—she has had to study twice as long to concentrate and lack of concentration is a confidence killer—it makes you feel absolutely stupid. She cries often as she studies, and I have to help her cope—we read together (sheesh I have learned to cope in my 43 years of life, so I teach her my mechanisms) I have to have something explained 3 or 4 times, and I know people think I am a ding dong…but I am rambling.

God Bless you and keep me informed about his condition and improvement—I will pray for you guys.
 
I agree with the previous poster.

Take care of your son. You can support your wife as much as possible from a distance but keep your son out of it and don’t bring the issues of your wife’s daughter and granddaughter to your apartment.

I believe in protecting marriage first. But ‘marriage’ does not mean ‘spouse’ and self. It means spouse, self, and minor children all bundled into one. When you can’t meet the needs of one you meet the needs where you can. Right now I don’t think you can help your wife or her offspring by being in that house. I do think you can help your son by being away from that house.
 
Wow…

That is not at all what I expected, and absolutely exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, and thank God for your replies…please…don’t stop. Right now the trouble with getting my son evaluated is that I have a PPO insurance plan that I absolutely do not trust, and so I contacted someone who our marriage counselor (through Catholic Charities) recommended, and apparently, even though I have offered to pay cash up front, possibly cannot accept us because of an agreement he (or his group) has signed NOT to accept cash from certain insurance subscribers. I do not want to risk my son’s health and “labeling” on someone I do not trust. any ideas where we can go for better recources for having him evaluated?

Thanks Again 😎

Don
 
SMHW said:
… Right now I don’t think you can help your wife or her offspring by being in that house. I do think you can help your son by being away from that house.
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Agreed. Your son should be your first priority.
 
I would just add that none of this means that one lacks compassion for the people involved or that one can’t pray for all concerned.

It breaks my heart to think of the wife and the granddaughter being in this situation. I can only imagine how the OP feels. If I thought that little girl was in danger I’d call child protective services (or the equivalent) no matter who was angry with me because of it. (She might be better taken away from both parents.)

But the sad truth is that the OP has very little power in this situation other than to help his son. Helping the son wins out over helping a wife with housework, no matter what her health problems. It seems as if the OP will have enough of a battle just finding good help for his son. (Perhaps if the recommended counselor can not help then he/she can make a referral?)

It’s up to the wife to deal with the adult daughter. I think the less interference from the husband, one way or the other, the better.
 
Magnehelic, you got really excellent advice here! Very on target, right to the heart of the matter.

The only thing I can think to add to such good advice is to take whatever steps you possibly can towards increasing God’s sustaining grace in your life during this time of great need.

For example, a Daily Mass when you can, or an hour visit sitting with Our Lord in His Tabernacle when you can (you can have you son bring his homework, and perhaps after an Our Father together, he can sit in the pew nearby while you pray - - a calming time for him, and a witness). Or go to confession before a coming Sunday Mass.

These are all ordinary means of God imparting His Extraordinary Graces, which you really need in this stressful, complex situation. Also you can pray a rosary, or a Divine Mercy Chaplet, and pray a short rememberance of God’s Mercy at the 3:00 hour. These are all known things that open you up to great grace.

Of course you are busier than ever, but the need has never been greater. Do what you can - take a baby step in the direction you would want to go if you had more time. God will pour out His graces. You can’t outgive God.

May His peace be with you.

http://achristiancounselor.com/hug1.jpg
 
Thank you all again and again 😎
I just got home from our marriage counseling, and we finally have been able to broach the subject of how to start setting the daughter and granddaughter up with resources that can do them both good, and setting a goal for preparing for re-integration (not at all important how soon neccessarily, but just that there is something out there in the future to shoot for) of my son and I and my wife. Til tonite, all the focus has been on everything but. I am feeling slightly better about the situation now that the counselor has committed to some actual advice (like “obviously this is a tough situation, but having your grown daughter live with you is not going to be very conducive to your marriage, so you definitely need to start planning to get her and your granddaughter the help that they need”…Thank God!!! Someone finally said it! I couldn’t without being accused of hating her…which I do not) . I will continue to leave no stone unturned seeking the help my son needs. We (my son and I) pray for “God’s will” every night together, and attend Mass every Sunday. I want to go to Adoration too…but with the counseling, homework time with my son, work, and everything else it is very difficult (I have to find a way and stop making excuses…I know). Just feeling the love in this forum means the world to me. I have not been able to talk to my family about this since she threw us out because they are so furious with her…and I cannot allow any disparaging…so I have felt so very alone. I have always felt that if we didn’t have all this kid turmoil in our lives …we would be the most enviable couple on earth…but that would NOT be God’s will, and obviously is dumb to even think of…I just love her so much. My son needs me, and that is the most important thing I know.

May the Lord grant you all 500 times the little bit of peace you have brought me today. Thank You 😎

Don
 
Magnehelic said:
Wow…

That is not at all what I expected, and absolutely exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, and thank God for your replies…please…don’t stop. Right now the trouble with getting my son evaluated is that I have a PPO insurance plan that I absolutely do not trust, and so I contacted someone who our marriage counselor (through Catholic Charities) recommended, and apparently, even though I have offered to pay cash up front, possibly cannot accept us because of an agreement he (or his group) has signed NOT to accept cash from certain insurance subscribers. I do not want to risk my son’s health and “labeling” on someone I do not trust. any ideas where we can go for better recources for having him evaluated?

Thanks Again 😎

Don
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We had to get our son evaluated on our own nickel so to speak. We did have insurance, but it’s the type that allows out of network assistance. Wasn’t much, but that’s what we had to do. We were trying to get the school to help but for 3 years they denied us because he wasn’t failing. Finally we got a doctor to take him for only the medication portion. We had a counsellor for the discussion and other issues that ADD, dysgraphia, depression and anxiety added to the frustration.

So it was pretty much ala carte. We did get several great references from our pediatrician. Get an idea of the problem over here… find someone to test/evaluate over there, then find someone who can prescribe meds somewhere else. We gave up on the list from the insurance company. Most weren’t taking “new” patients. I do not envy you, but as much as I think a marriage has to be first to make the other stuff go well, certainly your son needs immediate attention.

Peace to you and your family!
 
I would suggest looking for non - drug treatments for ADD.
I’ve heard of some good ,effective programs offered in California. Perhaps you can locate them in your area through the internet.

There are also helpful books on ADD. One is
Should I Medicate my Child?
 
Magnehelic said:
Wow…

That is not at all what I expected, and absolutely exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you, and thank God for your replies…please…don’t stop. Right now the trouble with getting my son evaluated is that I have a PPO insurance plan that I absolutely do not trust, and so I contacted someone who our marriage counselor (through Catholic Charities) recommended, and apparently, even though I have offered to pay cash up front, possibly cannot accept us because of an agreement he (or his group) has signed NOT to accept cash from certain insurance subscribers. I do not want to risk my son’s health and “labeling” on someone I do not trust. any ideas where we can go for better recources for having him evaluated?

Thanks Again 😎

Even if your PPO is not a viable alternative, does the school where your son attends offer any kind of evaluations for struggling students? Perhaps his work needs to be modified. I teach at a private school, but the local school district will come in and test children who appear to have learning difficulties, and if they find that the child has special needs, they will offer the help of the local public school, or else offer suggestions to us as to how we may best meet the child’s needs.

I agree with the previous posters. Your main concern right now should be your son. As much as you may love your wife, she appears to be doing the same thing with her daughter–who ought to be an adult by now!! I don’t think you should be in too much of a hurry to move back in with them. I hope the counseling will be helpful.

You are in my prayers.🙂
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First of all, please know that you are in my prayers. I completely understand what you are going through with your son. I realized that something was definitely going on with my daughter when she was in second grade. She cried every time she had to read, had trouble following simple directions, couldn’t stay on task, etc. To make a long story short, I talked with her teacher about my concerns and mentioned ADD. She agreed. We met with one of the school counselors who gave us each (her teacher and I) a simple “fill in the dot” questionnaire about my daughter and her behaviors. I took both completed forms to her pediatrician for evaluation and he diagnosed her with ADD. The only cost involved for me was the doctor’s visit and subsequent medication. My daughter is now 13 and doing wonderfully in school…mostly A’s with a few B’s.

FYI, I tried a nutritional approach before medication and it didn’t work for her. There were specific foods to eat and tons of supplements to swallow. She cried everytime she had to swallow a handful of pills…she eventually started dropping them down our heat vents when I wasn’t looking! It wasn’t worth it to me. I chose a 1x per day medication for her which has worked beautifully.

Good luck to you and God Bless!
 
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