Need advice: How to approach agnostic churchgoer in stage 4 cancer?

[Tommy999]

Background:
I am a volunteer in a large Protestant congregation who makes visits from time to time to hospitals, nursing homes, and assisted living facilities to see ailing congregants, spend time with them if they are lonely, and encourage them. I am genuinely caring and show them the love of Christ to the best of my ability, with God’s help. Most of my assigned patients are professing Christians who have told the church office that they appreciate my visits and find them encouraging.

Current Situation:
I was asked to visit a parishioner who is in his late 60’s and who is a self-avowed agnostic. He is also in stage 4 brain cancer. According to his wife, who is more devout, he is an intellectual who believes more in science than anything else – but he has recently admitted to her that he is afraid to die and realizes that his death may be near. He has had some major seizures in the past few weeks caused by the brain tumor, for which he is taking chemotherapy.

Question for You:
I will be visiting him for the first time soon. Besides praying in advance for him, which I am already doing, do you have any other advice on how to broach the topic of his agnosticism as well as general advice for dealing with such a person? For example, should I not address the topic of his agnosticism at all until he mentions it? I am concerned he may not have much time left and I don’t want to mess up things even worse for him.

Note: This gentleman recently told his wife that he would appreciate a personal visit from the pastor of our church, which I have relayed to our church office. Hopefully, our very busy pastor will find the time to see the man, whom he called on the phone once a few months ago. In the meantime, any insights on how to deal with agnostics would be appreciated because I am somewhat new at dealing with non-Christians.

 

[JMMJ]

I have had some experience with this. I would say someone in his position is looking for comfort within his own belief system. This is not a time to challenge him on his beliefs. Certainly, he (like most of us) has spent a good portion of his life thinking occassionally about what happens when we die. If he is in his late 60s, you can bet he long ago settled on a narrative that made sense to him and he felt comfortable with. The kindest thing you can do is ask him to tell you about what he believes, and then offer him support. You don’t have to tell him he is right or wrong. Be a good listener. He needs a cheerleader right now. Just as we cheer on a mother who is giving birth, those who are preparing to leave this world need similar encouragement. Talk about how there won’t be any more suffering. Talk about how he can expect peace. There is a lot you can say that will comfort him that doesn’t challenge his agnostic beliefs.

Watching someone die when they are terrified is a horrible thing to watch. Luckily, mother nature seems to allow us the time to get to a place of peace about it before we go. At least that is what I have witnessed, regardless of the person’s faith, religious beliefs, or lack thereof.

You are doing good work by administering to the dying. It isn’t something everyone can do, so know that my heart goes out to you.

 

[Tommy999]

While I respect his beliefs and want to be a positive comforting influence on the man, as a Christian I am conflicted because I am concerned for his soul and want him to find God before he dies so that he can reach heaven, too.

 

[BoomerangToo]

Tommy, God bless you for doing this work. I don’t have much advice for you, sorry. Scientifically minded people are very tough nuts to crack. The fact that he is wanting a visit from the pastor is a good opening, though. He might be more receptive than you think.

Maybe the best approach is to not sugar-coat it, but just jump in and have a frank talk about what he feels. Ask him about his cancer, ask him what he is feeling. If he is afraid, ask him why. He knows he’s dying. He might be ready for any lifeline you throw him. Ask if he has been baptized, and go from there.

Read to him the verse where Jesus says, “I go ahead to prepare a place for you, etc,etc” Then if you can get him to recite the Lord’s prayer, that would be very good. You should be alone with him at this time, I’m guessing. He may feel “funny” about it in front of his wife.

 

[JMMJ]

While I respect his beliefs and want to be a positive comforting influence on the man, as a Christian I am conflicted because I am concerned for his soul and want him to find God before he dies so that he can reach heaven, too.

Trust in the infinite mercy of God. There is no need to convert him.

 

[Dan_Defender]

My advice is don’t go with a prepared plan. Rather have great faith and trust in God and The Spirit will guide you as to how to interact/what to say.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

For example, should I not address the topic of his agnosticism at all until he mentions it?

I would think that this it is the very concern which is prompting him to seek the pastor, and is possibly why you were asked by someone to visit him. But if it is not, he must want to see the pastor about something else, something specific. You’ll probably be able to tell, shortly after you see him, why you are there. So maybe just follow his lead.

 

[Tommy999]

Thanks for all the helpful replies. I will take them under advisement.

 

[Gorgias]

While I respect his beliefs and want to be a positive comforting influence on the man, as a Christian I am conflicted because I am concerned for his soul and want him to find God before he dies so that he can reach heaven, too.

This can be a real trial for you, as a caregiver in end-of-life situations and a believing Christian! (I’m glad you’re present for your congregants at this difficult time!) Please keep in mind that God might have placed you in that context as much for his wife as for him personally!

Your question highlights a doctrinal difference between Catholicism and some branches of Protestantism. Some of our non-Catholic Christian brothers and sisters believe that an explicit act of the will – turning toward Christ, and perhaps being ‘born again’ – is absolutely necessary for salvation, without exception. Catholics, on the other hand, believe that those who – through no fault of their own – do not know and believe the truth of Jesus and His Church, may still attain salvation through the mercy of God. (How that happens, we don’t know – we’ve only been told how to attain salvation through the ‘normative’ means including baptism, etc, etc.)

So, for a Catholic caregiver in your situation, the response would be what @JMMJ has expressed: “trust in the infinite mercy of God.” We believe that there is the possibility of salvation for him in that way. (For a non-Catholic Christian, however, that might not be an approach that brings peace of mind.)

However, your presence with him – and perhaps, a shared prayer between yourself and your wife in his presence – might just be the gentle nudge that brings up the conversation and leads him in the right direction!

I’ll be praying for you!