Need Advice/ Hurting

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Myhouse

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I feel so hurt right now. I was raised in a home that was divided. I am the youngest of 5. There was much pain in our home. Unavailable father, mother with drinking problem. It was very very difficult to get through each day. Every day I would come home from school asking myself before I walked in the door, “Will this be a good day or bad day?” I am 45 now and the past is a challenge for me everyday. I feel blessed that God watched over me. I have a great husband and 3 beautiful children, grown and doing well. The part that hurts is that my dad passed away in February. This put me in a close range to my siblings. This is difficult becaue they have been cruel and never helped me when my home life was so bad that I should not have been left in that home. Now I have seen them more than I would like. On top of this I found out they lied to me for years, not telling me that my dad had left a trust for me. My dad placed all his things into the hands of the 3 oldest. They sold everything in my mom and dads house, including personal items of mine. They did this without even giving me a phone call to say mom was ready to get rid of things. I have taken verbal abuse from my brother and sisters. I have physical challenges and all this stress has just made me that more tired. I have walked away from them and any relationship I may have had with them is over. I am having a difficult time with the way my Dad set this up. I told him I wanted no part of the family business, so that I could move on with my life after Dad passed. I feel rejected, lied to, abused and hurt. I haven’t been visiting my mom. She lives with my sister now and the last time I saw her, she again started to go down that road of saying hurtful things to me. I just have a hard time understanding why I get treated this way. I have never done anything to them. Even when they were cruel I didn’t treat them the same. I just need some peace about the whole sad situation. Any advice would help me put things into perspective. Thanks
 
Myhouse said:
I feel so hurt right now. I was raised in a home that was divided. I am the youngest of 5. There was much pain in our home. Unavailable father, mother with drinking problem. It was very very difficult to get through each day. Every day I would come home from school asking myself before I walked in the door, “Will this be a good day or bad day?” I am 45 now and the past is a challenge for me everyday. I feel blessed that God watched over me. I have a great husband and 3 beautiful children, grown and doing well. The part that hurts is that my dad passed away in February. This put me in a close range to my siblings. This is difficult becaue they have been cruel and never helped me when my home life was so bad that I should not have been left in that home. Now I have seen them more than I would like. On top of this I found out they lied to me for years, not telling me that my dad had left a trust for me. My dad placed all his things into the hands of the 3 oldest. They sold everything in my mom and dads house, including personal items of mine. They did this without even giving me a phone call to say mom was ready to get rid of things. I have taken verbal abuse from my brother and sisters. I have physical challenges and all this stress has just made me that more tired. I have walked away from them and any relationship I may have had with them is over. I am having a difficult time with the way my Dad set this up. I told him I wanted no part of the family business, so that I could move on with my life after Dad passed. I feel rejected, lied to, abused and hurt. I haven’t been visiting my mom. She lives with my sister now and the last time I saw her, she again started to go down that road of saying hurtful things to me. I just have a hard time understanding why I get treated this way. I have never done anything to them. Even when they were cruel I didn’t treat them the same. I just need some peace about the whole sad situation. Any advice would help me put things into perspective. Thanks
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It’s definitely a challenge when you have difficult family members to deal with…I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with this so much. :hug1:

For me, I found that I could be a healthier individual emotionally and mentally when I just stepped back from the hurtful relationships. At first I was just going to shut certain people out of my life, but I found that in doing so I had waaaay too much anger simmering inside me. What I found helped me to heal more was to have a distant relationship with the family members I have trouble with. This means the occasional phone call…a card…a quick gotta-run but just wanted to say “hi” visit…

I don’t know if this is an option for you or not–but I found cutting my family completely out of my life made me more bitter and resentful. But having a ton of contact was just as grating. So I did the occasional short visiting that I described above and it’s worked pretty well. I don’t feel as angry and our relationship is fairly cordial because we aren’t around each other long enough to get into hurtful stuff.

:hug1:

kevinsgirl
 
You have asked us for advise and my advise is to get away from your toxic mother and siblings and relatives. Don’t stay in touch with me because all they will do is bring you pain. Your heart is already shattered like glass. Change your heart into gold so when someone hurts your feelings your gold heart will just get dented.
Buy yourself a small heart to wear around your neck to remind you of your new life without your mother and relatives.

You are still young where you can just move on in your life with your own husband and children. There is nothing you can do about the past. Just let it go. It will take time to emotionally to let go of them all. You will miss them at times but the day will come when you nolonger care.

You can create friends that can be like family members that fit your personality. I am an old lady who has done that. I have friends that I can count on to help me out in a pinch. But most of all to keep me company when I need to talk to someone.

Life isn’t always fair so forget the things and money that you didn’t get from your father’s estate. God will always provide for you the things you need in life. You will be surprised when you recieve gifts from people.

Please, please… move on in your life and let them all go their own way. You really don’t need them anymore. You are an adult now and it is okay to cry for the lousy childhood life you had because it really hurt you a lot. But the time will come when you will nolonger care because you are now an adult that can take care of yourself and don’t have to depend on them anymore.
 
I don’t have advice, but I’m offering a prayer for you. :crossrc: :hug1:
 
I’m so sorry…what an awful trial your family of origin has given you.

Now that you know where the snake pit is, I assume you will be avoiding it for your own health and safety.

How to deal? Each day focus on what you have, not what you don’t and be mightily grateful that you have made a different choice for your family. You are clearly a strong survivor. Give yourself permission to enjoy the goodness and accomplishments that are in your life that never were in theirs. Forgive, let go and pray for the pain that they are all mired in.
 
I’m so sorry for what you have gone through, and are still going through.

Every person is different, so I can’t tell you what to do. But I will tell you what has helped me.

First, pray. Ask God to give you the grace you need to deal with your family. I did not cut off contact with the people who have hurt me; that’s what worked for me. I do, however, limit contact to a manageable level.

Forgiving them was very important for me too. Because I have been able to forgive them, I am not at all bitter. I don’t sense any bitterness in your post, just pain, so you may have already done this. You may need to continue.

The final thing though, has been important for me. While I forgave a long time ago, the things that happened to me had a profound impact on the way I view myself, which in turn affected the way I interacted with other people, how I expected other people to act towards me, and the blame I put on myself for everything. I am finally getting counseling to deal with the emotional scars that I have carried for a long time. I didn’t even realize I had them for a long time - just kept telling myself everything was fine. For me, this is an important step. If you decide to do this, I highly recommend a Christian (Catholic if you can find one) counselor. It does help. Your priest may be able to help you find one.

I wish I could offer some concrete advice that would help you resolve the situation you find yourself in, but maybe something in my own situation can help.

God Bless. :hug3:
 
Don’t feel bad you are not alone!!! I have grown up with a family like that…My father was abusive, alchy, and would beat up my mom…When I was 5 or 6 I witnessed something I have never forgotten but when I brought it up with my parents as I was in tears asking my mother why she mistreated me, she told me I was crazy and must have dreamt it…I know it happened because I couldn’t sleep and still to this day that image of what my father did to my mother haunts me… But whatever…

I guess I hated myself that my mother didn’t trust me enough to tell me my father would beat her up…I think I was born out of one of those nights he would come home in a ravaging mood and probably raped her, because my mother and I have never gotten along… 😦

When I move far away from my family everything is lovey dovey until I decided to speak to my parents about my “plans” wishes, or anything else that consists of life changing things, then OMG I am horrible stupid etc etc etc…

I keep getting this whole “OMG you are so fat” thing that’s driving me insane!! :mad:

It’s like “mother you have been fat since my baby brother was born and no one told you jack!!” But can’t dishonor parents and it’s wrong for me to even think like that may GOD forgive me but it’s the way I feel!! It’s like I have been working out, almost 2 months now, still haven’t lost any weight, am depressed about that and hate myself because before I was able to lose at least 14 lbs in a period of 2 months yet not even a lb has been lost!? 😦 Very disappointing and I explain to them I am working on it!! :\
So anyhow, the point is that it’s been like this all my life…You are not that much older than me so believe me when I tell you I feel your pain!

I am never good enough, never will mount to anything, never have done anything, the embarrassment of the family, my siblings are ashamed of me, etc etc etc…I am the eldest…and all the pressure of the family was bestowed upon me…I raised my siblings, since I was 10…oh well, I loved it, enjoyed it until I was forced to work as well!! Ok so we all have to help our parents? Right? Fine, but since I was 11? Working before and after school, weekends and vacations, and still taking care of 3 additional kids? It became a huge burden when I became a teen, and when I turned 16 and 17 I rebelled, I didn’t care I was out doing whatever I felt like it! I ran away, got married against their will, and had children against their will to which they add is the biggest mistakes of my life…"Look now you cant afford your kids, you have to leave them to work, you are divorced, etc etc etc…

I have a lot of doubts about myself, but I am the first graduated in my family, maybe not bachelor’s work in progress, too expensive can’t afford it all ready in debt up to my eyeballs thanks to that you know? I need one year and hope to GOD soon I will be able to finish!!

The point is, I have always had my own place, lived on my own, yes I do ask my parents for help occassionally…sometimes more than others and sometimes not at all!! My father and I have always been close…My mother’s favorites were my other siblings!! I have always been the black sheep and heavily outnumbered but even though I have never stopped being kind to them and loving as much as possible!
One of my youngest brothers, the baby of the family used to call me his mother, because I was there 24/7…so the title suited me…
Well he told me he was embarrassed I was even his sister!! 😦 But I say to him one day he will need me and GOD bless him…
Not only that but I raised my sister’s children along with my mother for almost 6 years my nephew and 4 years my niece…Still to this day my favorite park became their favorite and will tell my sister every day after school as it was our tradition, “can we go to our aunties park?” She told me this herself how much they miss me…and in this way she makes me realize how much I influenced someone’s life and that makes me feel good…My sister and I are now talking kind of sort of, I haven’t heard from my other 2 brother’s for many years now and it’s fine I send them gifts for XMAs and bdays when I am able to afford it, and all my love as well, whether they return it or not…I don’t care…I have helped my family as much as they have helped me so I don’t feel I owe them anything…

I love my mother and father no matter what and my siblings even though it hurts me that we have never really been a great familiy together, apart yes…and when I speak of moving back they start with the negatives towards me and it’s like OK forget it then! Sometimes I even want to tell them to just tell me to disappear and I will leave them alone but I am like whatever…

I am tired of fighting and arguing I please them when they call me and I call them to please them other than that that’s it…
I am not sacrificing my sanity for their enjoyment nor my last bit of health that I have…I have my own family to take care of and they are draining me as it is so why make it worst? I also have to deal with future inlaws that treat me even worst…so…yeah…

Just keep praying, your head high and bless them as much as possible. Ask God for the strength to keeping in touch with your family and beg for their forgiveness…God bless…
 
Myhouse said:
I feel so hurt right now. I was raised in a home that was divided. I am the youngest of 5. There was much pain in our home. Unavailable father, mother with drinking problem. It was very very difficult to get through each day. Every day I would come home from school asking myself before I walked in the door, “Will this be a good day or bad day?” I am 45 now and the past is a challenge for me everyday. I feel blessed that God watched over me. I have a great husband and 3 beautiful children, grown and doing well. The part that hurts is that my dad passed away in February. This put me in a close range to my siblings. This is difficult becaue they have been cruel and never helped me when my home life was so bad that I should not have been left in that home. Now I have seen them more than I would like. On top of this I found out they lied to me for years, not telling me that my dad had left a trust for me. My dad placed all his things into the hands of the 3 oldest. They sold everything in my mom and dads house, including personal items of mine. They did this without even giving me a phone call to say mom was ready to get rid of things. I have taken verbal abuse from my brother and sisters. I have physical challenges and all this stress has just made me that more tired. I have walked away from them and any relationship I may have had with them is over. I am having a difficult time with the way my Dad set this up. I told him I wanted no part of the family business, so that I could move on with my life after Dad passed. I feel rejected, lied to, abused and hurt. I haven’t been visiting my mom. She lives with my sister now and the last time I saw her, she again started to go down that road of saying hurtful things to me. I just have a hard time understanding why I get treated this way. I have never done anything to them. Even when they were cruel I didn’t treat them the same. I just need some peace about the whole sad situation. Any advice would help me put things into perspective. Thanks
Click to expand...
Distance yourself from them all. You have Christ and His Church. That’s all you need. I went through something very similar this summer when my adoptive father died. Never pin your hopes on people. Jesus Christ is the only truth.
 
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