Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

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steph410

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I’m looking for some Catholic-centered advice. my husband and i already have 4 children who are still quite young. the youngest is 18 months now and I am ready to try for another baby. I am Catholic, my husband is non-denominational Christian. (also, i am 38 years old and would like to have at least one more before turning 40.)

Anyways, he is not keen on having another child. his reasons are that we have our hands full. i admit that our kids are high energy, etc, but i still want another baby. I have tried my best to explain Catholic beliefs in the area, but he does not agree and we remain at a standstill. I also feel it is negatively affecting our marriage. should i drop the subject entirely? we use nfp and avoid on fertile days, but i would like to be open to life.

thanks for any advice

(edited to add: i am thankful he agrees to nfp at the moment, at least, because at one point he mentioned getting a vasectomy)
 
The fact that you and he use NFP shows that both of you are open to life…just right now he’s not wanting to TTC (try to conceive). The main thing to keep in mind is that this decision is BOTH of yours…you both should come to terms with each other’s stand. It sounds like his idea of responsible parenting is different than yours, or that he has a different limit than you do. Nothing wrong either way there…just that you both need to find how to respect each other’s position and work it out together.

If it’s causing stress on the marriage, I’d suggest counseling from a Catholic therapist. There’s even a website, catholictherapist.com that lists several in different states.

-Dave
 
but if there is no dire reason for avoiding, i’m not sure that is considered “open to life” and isn’t it selfishly based/against Church teaching?
 
Dear,
Claim the word " Be fruitful and multiply" you will find your husband agreeing within a short period. God Bless. Brother in Christ.
 
Keep using NFP. Your husband isn’t asking you to contracept or abort (thank God) and he is the head of the family. Pray for him. And maybe a miracle will happen and his desire will change or you’ll get pregnant in spite of NFP.
 
steph410 said:
but if there is no dire reason for avoiding, i’m not sure that is considered “open to life” and isn’t it selfishly based/against Church teaching?
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Yup! You are correct.
  1. When is it moral to regulate births?
2368-2369
2399

The regulation of births, which is an aspect of responsible fatherhood and motherhood, is objectively morally acceptable when it is pursued by the spouses without external pressure; when it is practiced not out of selfishness but for serious reasons; and with methods that conform to the objective criteria of morality, that is, periodic continence and use of the infertile periods.
 
his reasons are that we have our hands full.
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And perhaps his mental stress- over being able to provide for the family, handle the kids at these stages (even with your help!), and unstable economy, etc, is enough to warrent a serious reason. Only you and he can discern that.

That is the beauty of NFP- you can choose to forgo this month, and see how he feels next month. I realize you don’t want this to go on forever, but it’s better than being “on the pill,” unsure when/if cycles will return, plus your age, etc.
 
JesusCallsYou said:
Dear,
Claim the word " Be fruitful and multiply" you will find your husband agreeing within a short period. God Bless. Brother in Christ.
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We don’t subscribe to “name it and claim it,” so where you came up with that…:confused:

OP, your husband has to have the last word in this. You can’t seriously be thinking of bringing a baby into the world against your husband’s will? Imagine what that would do to your marriage! Please pray and discern because having a baby just because you are nearly 40 may not be wise.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
OP, your husband has to have the last word in this. You can’t seriously be thinking of bringing a baby into the world against your husband’s will? Imagine what that would do to your marriage! Please pray and discern because having a baby just because you are nearly 40 may not be wise.
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You asked for opinions earlier so here are mine. However, this is a very personal situation so please disregard completely as needed.

Having got the disclaimer out of the way, I agree with Juliane. Both of you need to be 100% on board. Having a child just because you are nearing a particular age is hardly a good reason. It sounds like you need to sit down and look at your family situation (finances, time, health, etc.) to see if it is even wise to to try to conceive at this time or not. If you are concerned about whether or not your situation qualifies as “grave” enough to not have another child at this point, speak to your priest directly and get an informed opinion on the matter.

As for the rest. To me, it seems like your husband has been quite willing to meet your needs to this point. You have four children already, and he has embraced NFP even though it is not a requirement of his faith that he do so. To me, and this is just my relatively uninformed opinion without knowing the details of your lives together, he sounds like a heck of a guy who has earned the right to have his feelings and thoughts on the matter considered and respected.

Plus, I invite you to consider the opposite scenario for a moment. What if you wanted to wait before having another child or didn’t want one at all, and your husband started pushing you to have one now (just a hypothetical, i’m not saying that is what you are doing). How would you feel about that?

Just my two cents.

Peace,

Jason
 
First of all, I never implied I would “try” to have a baby without the consent of my husband. why do these threads always go this way?? I also never said my sole reason for wanting another child is because I’m nearing 40. I would like to fit one more in before turning 40, but I have a longing in my heart for another child. Children are a blessing and a gift from God. period. My husband and I are well off financially, and have no dire reason to not be open to another child. We are talking about it, but as far as I can see, my husband is coming from a place of worldly selfishness on this topic. Not to say he’s not wonderful in other areas. Anyways, the true Catholic faith is a difficult path to follow and I am willing to follow that path. I appreciate the rest of your post, though. thanks.
jwinch2 said:
You asked for opinions earlier so here are mine. However, this is a very personal situation so please disregard completely as needed.

Having got the disclaimer out of the way, I agree with Juliane. Both of you need to be 100% on board. Having a child just because you are nearing a particular age is hardly a good reason. It sounds like you need to sit down and look at your family situation (finances, time, health, etc.) to see if it is even wise to to try to conceive at this time or not. If you are concerned about whether or not your situation qualifies as “grave” enough to not have another child at this point, speak to your priest directly and get an informed opinion on the matter.

As for the rest. To me, it seems like your husband has been quite willing to meet your needs to this point. You have four children already, and he has embraced NFP even though it is not a requirement of his faith that he do so. To me, and this is just my relatively uninformed opinion without knowing the details of your lives together, he sounds like a heck of a guy who has earned the right to have his feelings and thoughts on the matter considered and respected.

Plus, I invite you to consider the opposite scenario for a moment. What if you wanted to wait before having another child or didn’t want one at all, and your husband started pushing you to have one now (just a hypothetical, i’m not saying that is what you are doing). How would you feel about that?

Just my two cents.

Peace,

Jason
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steph410 said:
First of all, I never implied I would “try” to have a baby without the consent of my husband. why do these threads always go this way?? I also never said my sole reason for wanting another child is because I’m nearing 40. I would like to fit one more in before turning 40, but I have a longing in my heart for another child. Children are a blessing and a gift from God. period. My husband and I are well off financially, and have no dire reason to not be open to another child. We are talking about it, but as far as I can see, my husband is coming from a place of worldly selfishness on this topic. Not to say he’s not wonderful in other areas. Anyways, the true Catholic faith is a difficult path to follow and I am willing to follow that path. I appreciate the rest of your post, though. thanks.
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You asked for opinions and indicated that the situation was negatively affecting your marriage. I am not sure how to interpret that other than one of you wants something and the other doesn’t.

I looked back at my post and I guess I could see how it was taken the way in which you responded. It was not my intent to accuse you of trying to have a child against your husband’s wishes. Either way, I am sorry for stating my response how I did. My intent was to suggest that you should not push him on it as his opinions and feelings are valid and important and from the information you have provided, he seems to have met you more than half-way.

However in your response, you have now stated that you believe your husband is being worldly selfish and also seem to believe that he ought to be willing to follow the tenants of a faith he does not believe in. Frankly, unless there is something you are not sharing, which is of course your prerogative, I am not seeing that.

My best advice is to be patient and to continue to use NFP to the best of your abilities. If you have concerns about the use of NFP in your situation, I suggest speaking candidly with your pastor. Until that time, if God wants you to have another child, you will.
 
steph410 said:
I’m looking for some Catholic-centered advice. my husband and i already have 4 children who are still quite young. the youngest is 18 months now and I am ready to try for another baby. I am Catholic, my husband is non-denominational Christian. (also, i am 38 years old and would like to have at least one more before turning 40.)

Anyways, he is not keen on having another child. his reasons are that we have our hands full. i admit that our kids are high energy, etc, but i still want another baby. I have tried my best to explain Catholic beliefs in the area, but he does not agree and we remain at a standstill. I also feel it is negatively affecting our marriage. should i drop the subject entirely? we use nfp and avoid on fertile days, but i would like to be open to life.

thanks for any advice

(edited to add: i am thankful he agrees to nfp at the moment, at least, because at one point he mentioned getting a vasectomy)
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I’m not Catholic so I am not going to offer Catholic advice but Christian advice. We can always pray for the desires of our heart but God has the final say. That is how we should be praying…that God’s will be done…and if HIS will is not ours then ask him to change our hearts to align with HIS desires and not our own.

Also, I would bet that if you put God back in control and submit to your husband you will see a turnaround in your marriage.
 
steph410 said:
but if there is no dire reason for avoiding, i’m not sure that is considered “open to life” and isn’t it selfishly based/against Church teaching?
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Yes, it’s selfish if there is no serious/grave reason. But who decides what is a serious reason? Only you and your husband can discern that for yourselves in your situation. Right now, your husband seems to feel that you [both, as a couple/family] have a serious reason…yet you seem to not think so. Hence, then need to communicate openly with each other about it.

I do agree with TheRealJulian. He is the head of the household. And more than that, you are in a situation where you husband will obviously be upset about another baby right now. And you cannot look into the future to know how you’d actually respond to baby#5 (emotionally, physically, financially, etc…). Avoiding in the meantime (while you both talk this over and discern it) will cause you some grief about the chance of not having another baby…but there is not guarantee you won’t be able to have another baby in the future. However, pushing your husband for antoher baby is guaranteed to cause waves in the relationship. If just the thought of it, and the disagreement from that, is causing problems…how much more problems when you find out you are actually pregnant?

That’s why I recommeded counseling. You both need to learn to understand each other’s point of view on this subject and find out what is bothering each of you respectively.
 
@OP: you might want to start by accurately stating the level of severity needed to postpone pregnancy, i.e., serious reasons, not dire ones. If you misstate the standard I think you may lose him on the reasoning entirely.

Obviously you need to discuss in more detail with him than you can reasonably provide on a thread, but you may want to consider some things. Are you a SAHM? When do you discuss your struggles during the day with the kids (high-energy,etc.)? Do you discuss the positives/joys of your parenting day?

What I am trying to get at is that if Hubby is only hearing the struggles, he may think you are overwhelmed, and while you may be in a particular moment, overall you apparently feel comfortable with your (H&W) parenting level - - does he realize this?

Does he have time with the kids, either together, in subsets, or alone? I think it can be a common fear that the working parent (if that is your case) doesn’t get a lot of time with the kids, and that can be a concern, especially with littler ones who need so much attention just to keep dressed, bathed, fed, etc. When they are a little more self-sufficient some things can go more smoothly.

What are the selfish/wordly reasons he has advanced? Are you praying together about this?

Then, if he can identify his reasons, perhaps you can come up with a game plan to address issues. If he states, for example, that he feels you are both wiped out at the end of the day and do not have time for each other, you could come up with a plan for earlier bedtimes, or perhaps his schedule could be arranged to get home earlier so you can both participate more equally in a night-time routine,etc. Not saying any of those are your particular issues, just by way of example.
 
Some thoughts:

It is possible for you to badly want another child and also for your husband to conclude that the two of you have serious reasons to avoid.

It is possible for your husband to have both selfish and valid reasons to want to avoid.

It is possible that your desire for another baby is sign from God that now IS a good time to have another child.

It is okay to have another child even if you do have serious reasons to avoid.

Both your feeling and your husbands feelings about having more children are important.

A husband and wife have differing abilities to cope with different kinds of stresses.​

I could go on. My point is that this is not an “One is right; the other is wrong,” situation. It seems more like two people trying to make sense of conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Since you are the one posting here and not your husband I can only suggest what you ought to do.


  1. *]Honor his fears. That is not the same thing as saying they are fully justified. It means to acknowledge that he really does have fears about having another child. He may not have realized that he is afraid.
    *]Honestly acknowledge what will happen if you do have another child. For example, it might mean you have to put more than two children in a bedroom or you might have to convert his man-cave into a bedroom. It might mean he can’t retire as soon as he had hoped. It might mean that you will not work the full-time job he always thought you would get when your current youngest is older.
    *]Insist that he treat your openness to more children at least as seriously as you treat his fears/lost dreams.
    *]Discuss, discuss, discuss.
    *]Pray together, pray together, pray together.
 
steph410 said:
First of all, I never implied I would “try” to have a baby without the consent of my husband. why do these threads always go this way?? I also never said my sole reason for wanting another child is because I’m nearing 40. I would like to fit one more in before turning 40, but I have a longing in my heart for another child. Children are a blessing and a gift from God. period. My husband and I are well off financially, and have no dire reason to not be open to another child. We are talking about it, but as far as I can see, my husband is coming from a place of worldly selfishness on this topic. Not to say he’s not wonderful in other areas. Anyways, the true Catholic faith is a difficult path to follow and I am willing to follow that path. I appreciate the rest of your post, though. thanks.
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Hey, don’t get me wrong, I understand wanting to have more kids! I was blessed to have the 2 healthy sons I have, but if I’d had time and God’s blessing, I’d have had 6. But I’m afraid my husband might have left me. 2 was his upper limit. I totally get it that you would love to welcome another life. I hope that God turns your husband’s heart to being open to life even now.
 
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