Need advice? Kids are not mine but are acting out violently

[crossfaith]

Im sorry i basically wrote an essay but i cut it down as much as i could. You can skip to the second half if you want.

My brother is a solo parent bringing up his two kids with the help of my mum. We got them when there were 2/3 and now they are 11/12. Im 23 and i used to help out, but because of the fact that my brother and mother would literally scream at me over trying to discipline the kids, i gave up trying.

They are not my children. not my responsibility, and yet my mother and brother still complains to me that they have no respect. They always expect me to do something about their behaviour, and yet when i try, I’m the bad guy.

My brother and mother say there are “rules in this family” that the kids need to abide by, but when it comes to enforcing it, they dont bother.

Their behaviour is spiralling out of control and i know this, but honestly I’ve tried to control it but my mother/brother won’t support me, and they dont try themselves to control it.

The kids constantly talk back, they are demeaning, they swear at my mum/brother, and they act out violently towards each other. Im the only one they behave around because they know i have zero tolerance to this sort of behaviour. Im also the only one they they show affection to, such as hugs and kisses, which my mum complains that she receives none.

**Then yesterday happened. **

I walked into the middle of a fight between my niece and nephew. Like i said, I’ve given up trying, so yesterday for the first time in ages i stuck my nose in. They were both swearing at each other and carrying on, but when i walked in, my nephew was threatening to “punch her in the face”.

Basically, it was over who had the right to go on the computer. I told him to get off it. Nobody was going to go on the computer. So then he started threatening me. I called him out on it, and started telling him off, and then he started trying to punch me and verbally abused me - two things he’s never done to me before. I overpowered him and kept telling him to “calm down” and as he kept on shouting “I’m going to punch you in the face” i kept saying back to him “And then what will i do? what do you expect me to do after that?”

I was trying to make him see what will be the consequences of his actions and at the same time make him stop and start thinking about his actions. But he was already in the moment of blind rage. He wasn’t thinking and i could see that. But i could also see the look on his face of disbelief, he actually thought he could hurt me - but i overpowered him and without hurting him brought him to the floor. This boy is my height, broader than me and almost 13. In the future - will he try this again? Most likely i won’t be able to defend myself then.

I was furious at this point. So i couldn’t help yelling. But basically I told him that i would not stand for this behaviour, this was unacceptable and i had every right to call the police if i wanted to. I talked through his behaviour with him after we calmed down a bit, told him the consequences of his actions “no computer for a week” and we discussed what he should of done instead of getting violent, and what to do in the future when he gets angry. He apologised and promised it would never happen again.

Then my mum came in, and with my niece, we prayed to the sacred heart of Jesus and said prayers for the family.

I told my mum he should not be allowed on the computer for a week.

Then i went out for my night classes.

And came back home and found out he was on the computer again. He had sweet talked my mum

My mum undermined me.

I dont understand what to do.

My brother and mum are allowing this behaviour and no matter what i do they won’t listen to reason?

They agree with me that these kids need discipline - but then they give none!

Im the only one trying!

My mum believes only in prayer. I believe in the power of prayer but i also believe we can’t just let these kids get away with these sort of actions?

I seriously dont know what to do.

Because if i try to control their behaviour i receive no support, but if i dont try, then these kids are going to grow up to be the worst kind of people.

 

[Viki63]

Family counseling.

You are in the right, definitely, but as you say you have no power and your mother and brother undermine your attempts to create order.
If you weren’t in the picture, the kids would become out of control teens and it might not end well-- I picture juvenile detention or worse.

See if your family will consider counseling.
You shouldn’t be in a parental role. Their father and grandmother should be enforcing the rules. You shouldn’t be setting consequences and telling your mother what to do. It should be her call.

If they won’t consider counseling, then walk out of the room when chaos erupts. Your family will have to deal with the consequences of poor child raising practices.

But make sure the children know they can come to talk to you if they need to.
God bless you for your efforts.

.

 

[EasterJoy]

“OK, Mom, so I guess next time I* do *call the police? Seriously, I’m not going to tolerate this. Period. You shouldn’t either, because if you do then some day he’s going to go ballistic like this to the wrong people at the wrong place and the wrong time, and he’s going to wind up in jail if he wins and in a hospital or dead if he loses.”

 

[Xantippe]

This situation is very dangerous for you.

What if you get accused of physically abusing the kid? Would your mom or brother testify to your innocence, even if you were totally in the right and they knew it?

Do what you can, but if counseling doesn’t work or they refuse counseling, make plans to get out of this household as quickly as you can if there isn’t clear progress.

Best wishes!

 

[Trishie]

You are 23, an adult.
You have the right to leave your parents’ home and to begin your own adult life.
Your brother’s children are his responsibility.
Clearly they are beyond your control, and any attempt to guide them is undermined by your family in any case.
Prayer alone isn’t what God intends in raising children.
He gives us the human qualities and practical guidelines to raise our children, understood through good sense and wisdom.

Hopefully you can get work to support yourself and move into a small place where you can recover from the unjust (and pointless) stress.
You could be in some kind of danger that may unfold regarding the children who lack respect and go beyond reasonable behavior.

I hope you can disentangle yourself from feeling you need to ‘fix’ these children. You can’t. However hopefully eventually they will come to value your genuine concerns. Possibly not. “As the twig is bent so the tree will grow”
However I don’t doubt that you will always pray for them.

I do hope you will arrange your life towards personal independence.
You have the right to live your life

God bless and heal your family.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

Well if these kids are like this at. 11/12 ,
Well just wait till they hit 15/16 ,
You ain’t seen nothin yet !!
What really needs to be done , and what I might like to see done are 2. Very different things
Unfortunately your hands are tied , you really need to get some real professional help in this household , because this violence is completely out of control ,and unacceptable ,
perhaps if Mother / Brother will do nothing , then the only option is ask advise from their schools or maybe even the Police for advise , because at this rate ,
Someone might do some REAL Damage ,

 

[traillius]

I think you need to move out when you can. This isn’t your problem. Your safety should be the primary and ultimate concern for you. If your mom and brother don’t want to take responsibility, that is not your problem. removing yourself is the best thing to do. As far as the kids go, the only thing you can do to help them is pray. The rest is up to their parents.
You can suggest that they get counseling, or even that they call the police, but you can’t make them do those things. If you get threatened or assaulted before you can leave, you call the police. Let the parents worry about what the police do with the kids, and you just tell the story of what happened, so you can be safe.

 

[heidi_storage]

Yep. Move out. You are not safe. I’m sorry; that has to be very hard to hear, but your niece and nephew are not getting the support and upbringing they need and are at real risk for hurting you or getting you involved with the police.