Need advice: Lusting

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SpeakKindly

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In this year I’ve started RCIA (I’m not confirmed yet), and got engaged over the summer.

I’ve had struggles with pornography in the past, but since I’ve gotten a strengthening of my faith (thanks to Catholicism), and wanting to resist so that I can be a better husband for my spouse, things have gotten easier to resist.

However, I’ve fallen a few times in my struggles, and it keeps getting more frequent. I know that I can confess these things after confirmation, and that’s all good.

The concern I have though is that I used to look at pornography because of being attracted to the woman’s body, and the rush and relaxing feelings it produced. There were no real fantasies I had with the women.

Yet, ever since starting to get better at resisting (with God’s help), I’ve noticed that I’m developing fantasies and scenarios where I’m thinking about how it would feel to have sex with the person, and I feel horrible, because in some of these fantasies I’m mentally getting around the whole “I don’t want to do this, because I’m engaged”, and including thoughts of cheating on my fiancee (not because I want to, but because I resist the temptations by remembering how much I don’t want to do this since I’m engaged, and I don’t want to hurt God either, so it’s a way to “get around” this “obstacle” between lusting and not wanting to).

So, now I’m questioning if this is another stupid temptation to lust, or something more serious (like cheating or a potential to)?

Should I be gravely concerned, or are these just random thoughts (since I don’t actually have any desire whatsoever of doing these things, and feel horrible afterwards) and I should seek God’s help even more, and not allow myself to despair?

In other words, I do something I hate, but I have no desire to do it…but I don’t want this to be something worse than another way of sin manifesting its ugly head.
 
Do you have any pictures of the Pope or the founder of the order your priest belongs to? Maybe some saints or a favorite saint? I got a couple holy pictures tacked to a board by the computer and TV area. They remind me of how I am supposed to be behaving. I don’t have a problem with porn, but maybe a couple such pictures would help you resist.

As for the thoughts…well, first you need to start distracting yourself with something wholesome as soon as those thoughts start. Don’t entertain those thoughts, kick them out the door!

Everyone deals with temptation. What matters is never giving in to it.
 
It is very hard to “not think” a thought. It usually works better to substitute a better thought.

When you start thinking of having sex with someone you are not free to marry, you can recite this verse. (Yes, I mean to memorize it…)

*Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. * Phil. 2:6-8

You can also be upfront as you pray that this as an attack by the devil. Ask God for help. Thank and praise God. Think of good things, such as how this woman deserves a good marriage and an exclusive relationship with her husband, to be seen with dignity by every man. Pray for her, that she will pursue that.

The devil may not give up, but responding with prayer and praise is not a counter-attack that will please the evil one. Remember, as you go through this temptation prior to embarking on your marriage, that the devil tried to tempt Our Lord before he embarked on his public ministry. (See Luke 4) If you gain a victory, the evil one may respond as he did after trying to tempt Our Lord…so beware. “When the devil had finished every temptation, he departed from him for a time.” Luke 4:13
 
MJJean said:
Do you have any pictures of the Pope or the founder of the order your priest belongs to? Maybe some saints or a favorite saint? I got a couple holy pictures tacked to a board by the computer and TV area. They remind me of how I am supposed to be behaving. I don’t have a problem with porn, but maybe a couple such pictures would help you resist.

As for the thoughts…well, first you need to start distracting yourself with something wholesome as soon as those thoughts start. Don’t entertain those thoughts, kick them out the door!

Everyone deals with temptation. What matters is never giving in to it.
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This. I know it seems silly to some, but putting a religious photo or item in a prominent place in view of whoever is using the screen cuts down on such things immensely. I used to have a serious problem with reading erotica when I was lonely and depressed, so I hung a crucifix on the wall above and behind my computer screen, and taped a picture of the Blessed Mother to the side of the screen. It really helped, because reminding myself that the Lord was present, and watching me, and not wanting to offend the Virgin Mary with what was present on the screen, I kicked the habit fast. 🙂
 
First of all, welcome to the Church!

Secondly, you need to realize that as you pursue on this path to holiness, you are going to be attacked by the devil. The good news is that God does not allow him to tempt us beyond what we’re able to control. That being said, He has supplied some ways to help you, if you have faith and ask for His help. The rosary has been called by St. Padre Pio as the scourge of the devil. Other sacramentals are holy water, blessed objects, medals and the Scapular.
 
I sympathize immensely with you because I’ve had similar battles. Trust me, there is hope!

You should avoid using your computer, phone, tablet or anything that opens the door to this. When you get married never put your computer In a private room. Leave it in a visible area. Use it in front of your wife.

Seek some accountability through a good, understanding friend. I know this is challenging. Also I recommend seeking professional help to help you identify the patterns that lead you to this.

Turn your attention away from the temptations. Don’t fight or try to reason with them. I understand the urge and drive they cause, but that’s why it’s so hard to win this battle. It’s a spiritual battle. Flee from it. Turn to prayer and to our Lady, especially when it’s the most difficult, for help.

I’m a member of the Angelic Warfare Confraternity. You should check them out as they are a Confraternity approved by the Church. It is under the patronage of St. Thomas Aquinas who received extraordinary graces for the virtue of chastity.

angelicwarfareconfraternity.org

As for your current state as an engaged man, seek recourse to the sacrament of reconciliation. Pray daily. Pray a decade of the Rosary every day asking our Lady to help you obtain all the graces to live a virtuous temperate life. Thoughts that are impure are sinful and must be confessed. Of course acting out on those thoughts by deed or by looking impurely at women is even more grave. It’s important to understand and see women as creatures made in God’s image. They are the pinnacle of God’s creation. And a God chose to come into our World through a woman whom He made immaculate. One thing I try to do is to see our Lady in every woman I run into because it reminds me that I wouldn’t look at the Virgin Mary the same way. It’s hard but it helps.

And remember. You cannot do this alone. You need grace and support from others. I commend you for your courage and humility in admitting to this.
 
Thank you guys, I’m glad I was able to find some support here, rather than condemnation, or some other things that would only cause me more guilt or concerns. I know that if I were to ask a secular source for support, they’d try to justify its use as “normal”, or “natural”, but I know that it’s not who I am when I’m doing those things - it’s not the *real *me, it’s the sinful me, and I take no true pleasure in giving in to those struggles. 😦

Anyway, I will strive to turn to prayer and images of holy things (such as Mary, the Pope, Jesus, etc), and will resist the devil in this temptation, and strive to turn away from sin. 🙂 👍

I believe that thinking on Holy things, and Holy people will definitely aid in this as well. 🙂

Oh, and thank you for the welcoming to the Church. 🙂
 
Put a great big statue of the Blessed Mother next to your computer, looking at you. Also put crucifixes and other religious objects around your home. Lastly, remember that God and Heaven and even Hell are always watching you. Always. A person who deep down wants to be good can only sin by blocking out the existence of God and his awareness from their mind (I think anyway). When those thoughts happen, you need to open a dialogue with the Holy Spirit or Christ or the Father. Because they are right there with you, watching you, and they know your thoughts. They also can reign in any kinds of influences that are trying to undermine your spiritual and family life.
 
SpeakKindly,

In addition to my post above, I forgot to add that you can add to your prayer some form of fasting and offer it for your bride-to-be. Prayer and fasting can help you develop self-mastery (i.e. Self-control). God will help you along. Remember He is always with you and He knows your struggle. Ask Jesus to help you. Have that open dialog with Him.

I also recommend spending a holy hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament if the parish where you’re attending RCIA has one. If not, talk to the pastor and ask for it. You can have this dialog before our Lord, truly present in the Blessed Sacrament, face-to-face. Ask your sponsor to join you in prayer before our Lord if you’ve never done this.

Welcome Home!
 
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