M
Maine52
Guest
AMEN! I’m surprised someone didn’t notice this sooner. You need to protect yourself and your boyfriend from harm. Do what is safe and get help NOW!
- Status
S
shainski
Guest
There is another thread from just last week that you might want to look at about interracial marriage
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=887388
Although, with you coming into this with a whole other cultural situation, I am loath to give advice.
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=887388
Although, with you coming into this with a whole other cultural situation, I am loath to give advice.
S
sdegutis
Guest
Oh my goodness dear, do you hear yourself? You’re saying “now or never” as if this is Romeo and Juliet or some fairy tale! But this is real life. Big decisions like this must be made in times of calmness and silence before God, not out of a panicked fear of losing some romantic once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!
A
Anonymous911
Guest
I understand where you are coming from completely because this too, I have thought about well enough. I would not jeopardise my relationship with my parents if it wasn’t ‘out of true love’. And to say the least, I would’ve never told them about my interracial relationship because I come from a very strict family. Remember, we are middle eastern.
I am from Australia. Financially, nothing is easy unless we are living on millions, but we can get there. Nothing good comes easy. I cannot be on my own. I don’t need to be on my own. I have found a man I want to spend my life with, education has nothing to do with where I stand in life now because that will be taken care of. Also, I am in my final semester of studying a medical course. This is my fourth year of university
N
Nan_S
Guest
In the short run all is well with the world. You are of one faith, you are controlling feelings of lust, and you are making rational decisions. You’re off to a good start. So very many young people succumb to sexual activity (not necessarily intercourse) and the hormones rule their decision-making. Hormones switch on; brains switch off; stupid decisions result.
In my diocese the priest/deacon normally does not agree to marrying a couple until they have been through a six month long pre-Cana preparation. The church wants to prepare you for a long and successful marriage, based on full understanding of the responsibilities and challenges of adult married life. I hope you give serious attention to everything the church has to say about marriage.
There are certain long-term factors with which need to be considered, and which you may not be taking seriously enough. For instance:
– He is training to become a professional athlete, or he is already working as one. The career length of most professional athletes is short. What are his career aspirations after age 30 when the professional sports teams lose interest in him? Are those aspirations compatible with yours?
– You are studying to become a doctor. That will require you to invest a lot of years in training, and it’s not the kind of training wherein you can just pack up and move on short notice. Indeed, it is difficult to transfer between colleges during any course of study for any degree, and retain credit for courses already taken. What will you do when he is traded to a team that is based in a distant city? Or when his choice is to move away from you or to quit playing ball?
– You don’t say what his educational level is, but at age 22 and already working professionally he has, at most, a bachelor’ degree, and it’s probably not in a field with advanced technical training. I suspect he may only have an Associates’ Degree, or less. You, on the other hand, will have a very advanced and very technical post-graduate degree. Intellectually, that puts you on two completely different levels. Will that leave him feeling emasculated when his sports career ends? Will he want to go back to college then, and if you have kids will he be able to go back to college?
– Who will take care of your kids when you are working 24-hour shifts to complete your internship and he is on a road trip with his team? Sure, you can put them in Day Care, but day care agencies don’t provide 24-hour care and they have a bad habit of calling to tell you your kid has a fever and must go somewhere else for the next three days.
– Natural Family Planning is very effective if you have a committed and patient couple who see each other every night. When the woman’s sleep schedule is irregular (those 24-hour shifts) NFP gets very difficult to manage. It’s even harder to manage when you only see each other two weeks out of the month because of incompatible work schedules, and one of those weeks just happens to coincide with your fertile phase. So are you planning to tell your future husband that sex is not going to be a significant part of your married life? Or are you instead going to decide you’re not such serious Catholics after all and keep back-up condoms in the drawer?
– And then there is the culture factor, even though you downplay this. True, it is more and more common for inter-racial couples to marry. Having kids who don’t look like you is no longer the surprise it used to be. But skin color is only one small part of culture. What about your upbringing? Your family is very traditional, and a lot of their traditional attitudes have rubbed off on you whether you are willing to admit it or not. How does his family’s attitude towards life mesh with your own? Have you seriously compared family backgrounds, family values, attitudes towards work, attitudes towards education, kinds of work performed? Does his family take Catholicism seriously, or are they a hash of different Christian traditions, non-Christian traditions, and agnostics? Is his family part of the working poor who view athletic prowess as the means to escape poverty, whereas you come from a long line of successful professionals with advanced educations? Does one of you come from a family which prudently saves and invests every available dollar, while the other family lives a lavish lifestyle with fast cars and fancy clothes, funded by credit card debt and occasional bankruptcies?
There is a lot for you to consider when contemplating marriage. It’s not just “He’s a Catholic, he loves me, and we’re staying chaste.” He’s no criminal, and neither are you, but when you reduce the basis of your relationship to that low level you are marginalizing the critical everyday factors which truly make or break a marriage.
You parents see these things. I hope you also pay attention to them. Good luck.
In my diocese the priest/deacon normally does not agree to marrying a couple until they have been through a six month long pre-Cana preparation. The church wants to prepare you for a long and successful marriage, based on full understanding of the responsibilities and challenges of adult married life. I hope you give serious attention to everything the church has to say about marriage.
There are certain long-term factors with which need to be considered, and which you may not be taking seriously enough. For instance:
– He is training to become a professional athlete, or he is already working as one. The career length of most professional athletes is short. What are his career aspirations after age 30 when the professional sports teams lose interest in him? Are those aspirations compatible with yours?
– You are studying to become a doctor. That will require you to invest a lot of years in training, and it’s not the kind of training wherein you can just pack up and move on short notice. Indeed, it is difficult to transfer between colleges during any course of study for any degree, and retain credit for courses already taken. What will you do when he is traded to a team that is based in a distant city? Or when his choice is to move away from you or to quit playing ball?
– You don’t say what his educational level is, but at age 22 and already working professionally he has, at most, a bachelor’ degree, and it’s probably not in a field with advanced technical training. I suspect he may only have an Associates’ Degree, or less. You, on the other hand, will have a very advanced and very technical post-graduate degree. Intellectually, that puts you on two completely different levels. Will that leave him feeling emasculated when his sports career ends? Will he want to go back to college then, and if you have kids will he be able to go back to college?
– Who will take care of your kids when you are working 24-hour shifts to complete your internship and he is on a road trip with his team? Sure, you can put them in Day Care, but day care agencies don’t provide 24-hour care and they have a bad habit of calling to tell you your kid has a fever and must go somewhere else for the next three days.
– Natural Family Planning is very effective if you have a committed and patient couple who see each other every night. When the woman’s sleep schedule is irregular (those 24-hour shifts) NFP gets very difficult to manage. It’s even harder to manage when you only see each other two weeks out of the month because of incompatible work schedules, and one of those weeks just happens to coincide with your fertile phase. So are you planning to tell your future husband that sex is not going to be a significant part of your married life? Or are you instead going to decide you’re not such serious Catholics after all and keep back-up condoms in the drawer?
– And then there is the culture factor, even though you downplay this. True, it is more and more common for inter-racial couples to marry. Having kids who don’t look like you is no longer the surprise it used to be. But skin color is only one small part of culture. What about your upbringing? Your family is very traditional, and a lot of their traditional attitudes have rubbed off on you whether you are willing to admit it or not. How does his family’s attitude towards life mesh with your own? Have you seriously compared family backgrounds, family values, attitudes towards work, attitudes towards education, kinds of work performed? Does his family take Catholicism seriously, or are they a hash of different Christian traditions, non-Christian traditions, and agnostics? Is his family part of the working poor who view athletic prowess as the means to escape poverty, whereas you come from a long line of successful professionals with advanced educations? Does one of you come from a family which prudently saves and invests every available dollar, while the other family lives a lavish lifestyle with fast cars and fancy clothes, funded by credit card debt and occasional bankruptcies?
There is a lot for you to consider when contemplating marriage. It’s not just “He’s a Catholic, he loves me, and we’re staying chaste.” He’s no criminal, and neither are you, but when you reduce the basis of your relationship to that low level you are marginalizing the critical everyday factors which truly make or break a marriage.
You parents see these things. I hope you also pay attention to them. Good luck.
L
Lorelei12
Guest
I am not sure what you mean by “I cannot be on my own. I don’t need to be on my own.” In my opinion, it is always wise for a woman to have a plan to support herself and any children in the event that she finds herself in the position to need to. Even if you marry someone who would never abandon you, husbands get sick, lose jobs, or even die. If you truly feel that you cannot be on your own, I would suggest taking steps to become more independent, regardless of what happens with your romantic life.
All of that, however, is a future concern. Right now, you need to concern yourself with how you are going to get away from your parents. You mentioned both verbal and physical abuse, and murder threats. You are living in a very dangerous situation, especially if you are seeing this man secretly. What will happen if your parents find out? Do you have a friend you can live with? Can you live at school?
You do not need your parents’ blessing to get married. There is nothing wrong with leaving their home and in your situation, is certainly something you need to do if they are abusive and threatening. However, I’d recommend finding a way to move out on your own, get your life together, and then take some time to prepare for marriage, if that is where God is calling you.
J
jazzy0710
Guest
SERIOUSLY???
Your own parents threatened this???
I’d leave and NEVER EVER turn back.
S
SnowAngels
Guest
Praying hard for you.
S
SecretGarden
Guest
If your parents are threatening you, I would go to the police station and ask for advise from them. They will be able to give you the best advise to protect yourself as well as your boyfriend.
In cases like this, the priest can only go so far in terms of advise. Plus considering your age, perhaps it might be best for the two of you to wait a few years until you have begun medical school. Your parents might be worried that this marriage will detour you away from your dreams.
I know you say it won’t but life does happen. Regardless of what you decide, I think you need to speak with the police because threats of any kind are illegal.
In cases like this, the priest can only go so far in terms of advise. Plus considering your age, perhaps it might be best for the two of you to wait a few years until you have begun medical school. Your parents might be worried that this marriage will detour you away from your dreams.
I know you say it won’t but life does happen. Regardless of what you decide, I think you need to speak with the police because threats of any kind are illegal.
B
BeingSaved
Guest
Don’t rush into marriage. Remember you said, you broke up over the pressure from your parents? Marriage is full of pressure, there are other people in our society that are against mixed races marrying and you will run into this again, maybe lots of it. You both need to build something strong enough together to not cave into this. Your children may face things like this too. You have to prepare and strengthen against it.
You are under your parents authority in some ways, still, so pray with your boyfriend
asking God to change their minds so you can be blessed by them. Why should you have to choose between him and them. You love them all.
God gives parents to protect and guide. Ask Him to work through them to communicate with you both in this situation.
Best idea to stay out of sexual relationship. Nothing clouds the thinking process than all those chemicals and hormones that are meant to bond the couple together for life, released in sexual togetherness.
Best way to stay out of bed? you didn’t ask, but here it is Do Not Be Alone in Private together. Very few people have ever engaged in sex in public. It is as sure as the shining sun, to keep you out of the leading up to sex activities and out of sex itself.
Nothing clouds the thinking more than the chemicals released in the body, even through necking and petting, that are meant to bond you together for life.
It is through making a mistake about this that many marry wrongly suited mates and end in heartache and divorce. This is why you must be very careful about your choice of mate.
You can delay marriage by taking marriage prep classes, and studying your faith together.
Don’t be ‘alone’ together. Why were chaperones invented? To keep couples who are attracting each other, out of touching each other, necking, etc.
Too old fashioned for you? You will thank me later, if you follow this advice.
ie unplanned pregnancy? intercourse, ? no birth control, no planning when you are fertile.
It may seem very romantic to ‘run away together’ and leave your parents, but
this is not the wisest way.
Wisdom is to ask the Creator God to intervene in the circumstances, and to wait while He does it.
In a rush to get into bed? What, not practicing the control you will need to survive in marriage if you plan to be faithful Catholics?
Marriage will not ‘cure’ all problems in life, it actually will give you another one, your new mate.
you mentioned surprise because you both still ‘felt’ love for each other, after your parents hassled you both,…that doesn’t sound like a firm foundation to enter marriage with,
surprise, at feelings staying, and depending on feelings of love.
you will not always feel love for your mate, sometimes you may ‘feel hatred’, or close,…
these feelings come and go,
marriage needs to be grounded on something more firm than that,
and it needs to withstand the onslaughts from not just family, as
many things will come against your marriage and you need to build a strong and healthy relationship and really build a kind of fortress for you and he, that can only be build on God’s things, really, and on Him.
You said someone said they would ‘kill you’ if you continued seeing him? Is this an emotional outburst empty threat or a real threat. If real, you will have to protect yourself, and take real steps to do so.
Most people say things they don’t really mean when they are very upset.
Hope this threat is that. If not, you need advice from someone expert in this kind of thing, local to where you are.
You are under your parents authority in some ways, still, so pray with your boyfriend
asking God to change their minds so you can be blessed by them. Why should you have to choose between him and them. You love them all.
God gives parents to protect and guide. Ask Him to work through them to communicate with you both in this situation.
Best idea to stay out of sexual relationship. Nothing clouds the thinking process than all those chemicals and hormones that are meant to bond the couple together for life, released in sexual togetherness.
Best way to stay out of bed? you didn’t ask, but here it is Do Not Be Alone in Private together. Very few people have ever engaged in sex in public. It is as sure as the shining sun, to keep you out of the leading up to sex activities and out of sex itself.
Nothing clouds the thinking more than the chemicals released in the body, even through necking and petting, that are meant to bond you together for life.
It is through making a mistake about this that many marry wrongly suited mates and end in heartache and divorce. This is why you must be very careful about your choice of mate.
You can delay marriage by taking marriage prep classes, and studying your faith together.
Don’t be ‘alone’ together. Why were chaperones invented? To keep couples who are attracting each other, out of touching each other, necking, etc.
Too old fashioned for you? You will thank me later, if you follow this advice.
ie unplanned pregnancy? intercourse, ? no birth control, no planning when you are fertile.
It may seem very romantic to ‘run away together’ and leave your parents, but
this is not the wisest way.
Wisdom is to ask the Creator God to intervene in the circumstances, and to wait while He does it.
In a rush to get into bed? What, not practicing the control you will need to survive in marriage if you plan to be faithful Catholics?
Marriage will not ‘cure’ all problems in life, it actually will give you another one, your new mate.
you mentioned surprise because you both still ‘felt’ love for each other, after your parents hassled you both,…that doesn’t sound like a firm foundation to enter marriage with,
surprise, at feelings staying, and depending on feelings of love.
you will not always feel love for your mate, sometimes you may ‘feel hatred’, or close,…
these feelings come and go,
marriage needs to be grounded on something more firm than that,
and it needs to withstand the onslaughts from not just family, as
many things will come against your marriage and you need to build a strong and healthy relationship and really build a kind of fortress for you and he, that can only be build on God’s things, really, and on Him.
You said someone said they would ‘kill you’ if you continued seeing him? Is this an emotional outburst empty threat or a real threat. If real, you will have to protect yourself, and take real steps to do so.
Most people say things they don’t really mean when they are very upset.
Hope this threat is that. If not, you need advice from someone expert in this kind of thing, local to where you are.
S
SyroMalankara
Guest
I’m assuming you are Assyrian, Armenian, or Coptic. I come from a similar background and have heard those kinds of comments growing up. Suffice to say, it is difficult for your parents and they are now wishing they never came to this “wretched country”… I’ve heard it all before.
The Church does not support any racism.
If you parents are seriously threatening you, even if you even slightly think it’s credible, leave as soon as you can.
If you think they are venting, blowing steam, just being mean - ignore it, then move out. The cultural differences scare them, and they are unable to adapt. If they are like my family - most will get over it.
About your boyfriend - do you two trust each other? No incidence of cheating, fighting, swearing, or anything ‘red flag’? If not, keep getting to know each other - don’t rush into marriage, there is time. After all, you don’t need a huge ceremony, just close friends and the Church.
Both you and your bf are High School graduates? Both of normal mental capacity and function? Physically able to support yourself, and able to support each other financially in the near future? If your bf does “make the pros” - are you able to live that lifestyle? He will be away from home a lot, you will be with your kids alone a lot. There will be lots of temptations for him on the road. If he doesn’t make it, does he have any education to fall back on? Any career ambitions for 30yrs from now?
I hope both of you are single now and have no children yet?
The Church does not support any racism.
If you parents are seriously threatening you, even if you even slightly think it’s credible, leave as soon as you can.
If you think they are venting, blowing steam, just being mean - ignore it, then move out. The cultural differences scare them, and they are unable to adapt. If they are like my family - most will get over it.
About your boyfriend - do you two trust each other? No incidence of cheating, fighting, swearing, or anything ‘red flag’? If not, keep getting to know each other - don’t rush into marriage, there is time. After all, you don’t need a huge ceremony, just close friends and the Church.
Both you and your bf are High School graduates? Both of normal mental capacity and function? Physically able to support yourself, and able to support each other financially in the near future? If your bf does “make the pros” - are you able to live that lifestyle? He will be away from home a lot, you will be with your kids alone a lot. There will be lots of temptations for him on the road. If he doesn’t make it, does he have any education to fall back on? Any career ambitions for 30yrs from now?
I hope both of you are single now and have no children yet?
G
GEddie
Guest
Complete the schooling, and, if your folks are needed to pay for it, put your love on hold until then.
Once you have the education, you will have more options.
True love can wait.
ICXC NIKA
M
Maine52
Guest
Seriously??? Um, did you read the part where her folks threatened to KILL HER? I certainly hope you missed that part, or you wouldn’t have said this, right?
T
TarkanAttila
Guest
Just weeding out obvious problems.
I have nothing to add to the awesome advice everyone else has to give. Racism is unacceptable, and you are not bound to obey your parents in regards to this sinful disposition. If you have seen the ugly side of this fellow - and everyone has an ugly side! - and it doesn’t scare you off (but no point trying to change him, it doesn’t work), I see no reason why you shouldn’t get married.
H
HopenHappiness
Guest
Well your title My Parents or my Lover? Brings into question that you might have already slept with him, which makes for more emotions.
Your both are adults you can do what you want, unless you both are dependent on your parents. What your parents have done is wrong from the get go, no one should be subjected to any abuse. You boyfriend who loves you to the ends of the earth, couldn’t handle this and broke up with you and left you with your parents. Instead of trying to figure out a way to keep you safe and sound. Sorry not good in my book, even if you say it is mutual, any man who loves you like you said he does, would not give up, or would not go sneaking around, You deserve a man that will stand up for you no matter how rough things get.
Sorry the first sign of trouble he leaves you on his own. You say you want to move in with his family. Have you met with them? Do you know what they are really like? Do you know what their culture is like, which can be as bad as yours. How did his parents react on the news that you might be his future DIL? You might be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
I would not be rushing from one mess to another, instead I would be working to get my own place and concentrate on your studies, if the love is that strong and is meant to be, it will only get stronger over time, and will be there when the time is right to get married.
And don’t kid yourself about him supporting you to be a Dr, I know to many people personally that their BF say I will support your dreams. And once they acted on these dreams, their BF either dumped them or said it is either your schooling or me. So live your life and get to know yourself before committing to another.
I will say my prayers for you
Your both are adults you can do what you want, unless you both are dependent on your parents. What your parents have done is wrong from the get go, no one should be subjected to any abuse. You boyfriend who loves you to the ends of the earth, couldn’t handle this and broke up with you and left you with your parents. Instead of trying to figure out a way to keep you safe and sound. Sorry not good in my book, even if you say it is mutual, any man who loves you like you said he does, would not give up, or would not go sneaking around, You deserve a man that will stand up for you no matter how rough things get.
Sorry the first sign of trouble he leaves you on his own. You say you want to move in with his family. Have you met with them? Do you know what they are really like? Do you know what their culture is like, which can be as bad as yours. How did his parents react on the news that you might be his future DIL? You might be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
I would not be rushing from one mess to another, instead I would be working to get my own place and concentrate on your studies, if the love is that strong and is meant to be, it will only get stronger over time, and will be there when the time is right to get married.
And don’t kid yourself about him supporting you to be a Dr, I know to many people personally that their BF say I will support your dreams. And once they acted on these dreams, their BF either dumped them or said it is either your schooling or me. So live your life and get to know yourself before committing to another.
I will say my prayers for you
U
underacloud
Guest
I’m glad to hear you are in Australia. I was worried you were in a country where the sorts of threats your parents made are a too frequent reality. But in Australia they are not. There is little to fear in leaving your parents, other than possibly financial issues, but those are secondary to your safety, and I’m sure surmountable if you need to seek independance. And you live in a great county where interracial marriages are not generally condemned, but accepted by the vast mainstream.
And there are many government or charity groups who could help you in escaping an abusive situation. Being Catholic, you could call Vinnies as a starting point.
Although right now the issues seem very much inter-related, I’d try to view the two as separate issues and address each on their own merits:
a) your parents - are they abusive, do you need to leave?
b) is this man the right future spouse for you?
Don’t cling to this man as an answer to the issues with your parents, but don’t let your parents bully you out of choosing your own future.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
If your parents believe they are faithful Catholics, perhaps they need to read Gaudium et Spes, the Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern World.
*Since all men possess a rational soul and are created in God’s likeness, since they have the same nature and origin, have been redeemed by Christ and enjoy the same divine calling and destiny, the basic equality of all must receive increasingly greater recognition.
True, all men are not alike from the point of view of varying physical power and the diversity of intellectual and moral resources. Nevertheless, with respect to the fundamental rights of the person, every type of discrimination, whether social or cultural, whether based on sex, race, color, social condition, language or religion, is to be overcome and eradicated as contrary to God’s intent. For in truth it must still be regretted that fundamental personal rights are still not being universally honored. Such is the case of a woman who is denied the right to choose a husband freely, to embrace a state of life or to acquire an education or cultural benefits equal to those recognized for men.*
Gaudium et Spes, II, 29
Their dictum is contrary to God’s law and the dictates of the Church, which makes their wishes something that even a minor would not be bound to obey. You would be right to ask a priest for advice. Be ready for him to be concerned that you might be tempted to imprudently rush into marriage as a way of defying the gross immorality of your parents’ position.
*Since all men possess a rational soul and are created in God’s likeness, since they have the same nature and origin, have been redeemed by Christ and enjoy the same divine calling and destiny, the basic equality of all must receive increasingly greater recognition.
True, all men are not alike from the point of view of varying physical power and the diversity of intellectual and moral resources. Nevertheless, with respect to the fundamental rights of the person, every type of discrimination, whether social or cultural, whether based on sex, race, color, social condition, language or religion, is to be overcome and eradicated as contrary to God’s intent. For in truth it must still be regretted that fundamental personal rights are still not being universally honored. Such is the case of a woman who is denied the right to choose a husband freely, to embrace a state of life or to acquire an education or cultural benefits equal to those recognized for men.*
Gaudium et Spes, II, 29
Their dictum is contrary to God’s law and the dictates of the Church, which makes their wishes something that even a minor would not be bound to obey. You would be right to ask a priest for advice. Be ready for him to be concerned that you might be tempted to imprudently rush into marriage as a way of defying the gross immorality of your parents’ position.
A
Anonymous911
Guest
I have NOT slept with him. If you had read my post, you would’ve read that I clearly said I am saving sex for marriage. Why would I lie about that?
A
AClaire11
Guest
What HopenHappiness means is that the term “lover” these days, at least in North American English, almost always indicates a sexual relationship.
A
AClaire11
Guest
I also urge the OP to consider these points, and to think about what “running away” would involve. If the death threats from your parents are credible, you may have to move to a different city and possibly change both your names. You’ll be on your own, without their support (financial or with future kids) if they never come around. Are his parents supportive?
- Status