NEED Advice - My Parents or My Lover?

[Anonymous911]

UPDATE!!!
My parents have been threatening me that I can never marry this man even if my life depended on it. They also took my bank card and asked me for my pin but I refused to give it to them as my transactions are all there. My dad snapped it in half and now I have no money. Also, I’m worried they will take my phone and laptop AGAIN. I feel so helpless and broken The only support I have right now is my boyfriend who is willing to take me in, and his parents as well. They are really supportive, I’m just worried about the consequences. I’m in my exam period now as well and my parents are only making things more difficult for me and I can never take a stand against them because when I do they become defensive and violent and continue to be racist about him and insult and downgrade ME. Don’t forget, my parents are middle eastern, it is so hard to stand up against them. They literally rule over me and only a few would understand where I am coming from.

 

[TarkanAttila]

UPDATE!!!
My parents have been threatening me that I can never marry this man even if my life depended on it. They also took my bank card and asked me for my pin but I refused to give it to them as my transactions are all there. My dad snapped it in half and now I have no money. Also, I’m worried they will take my phone and laptop AGAIN. I feel so helpless and broken The only support I have right now is my boyfriend who is willing to take me in, and his parents as well. They are really supportive, I’m just worried about the consequences. I’m in my exam period now as well and my parents are only making things more difficult for me and I can never take a stand against them because when I do they become defensive and violent and continue to be racist about him and insult and downgrade ME. Don’t forget, my parents are middle eastern, it is so hard to stand up against them. They literally rule over me and only a few would understand where I am coming from.

I’m sorry. Though it was just 100 years ago that Protestants and Catholics took similar views in this country. (And kids were more respectful of their parents, and rightfully so.)

Why can’t you get a new bank card, though?

Would it help if you reminded them the Church is our parent first? She is your mother before your mother is, and they are in the wrong. If they are Middle Eastern Christians, remind them of what the Moslems are doing to our brethren. Is it really any different? And do our Christian brethren deserve it? This African is our brother, just like the Palestinian Christians.

 

[Anonymous911]

I’m assuming you are Assyrian, Armenian, or Coptic. I come from a similar background and have heard those kinds of comments growing up. Suffice to say, it is difficult for your parents and they are now wishing they never came to this “wretched country”… I’ve heard it all before.

The Church does not support any racism.

If you parents are seriously threatening you, even if you even slightly think it’s credible, leave as soon as you can.

If you think they are venting, blowing steam, just being mean - ignore it, then move out. The cultural differences scare them, and they are unable to adapt. If they are like my family - most will get over it.

About your boyfriend - do you two trust each other? No incidence of cheating, fighting, swearing, or anything ‘red flag’? If not, keep getting to know each other - don’t rush into marriage, there is time. After all, you don’t need a huge ceremony, just close friends and the Church.

Both you and your bf are High School graduates? Both of normal mental capacity and function? Physically able to support yourself, and able to support each other financially in the near future? If your bf does “make the pros” - are you able to live that lifestyle? He will be away from home a lot, you will be with your kids alone a lot. There will be lots of temptations for him on the road. If he doesn’t make it, does he have any education to fall back on? Any career ambitions for 30yrs from now?

I hope both of you are single now and have no children yet?

Yes I am also from similar background.
We fight like any couple would. It’s only ‘normal’. Nothing too major. No cheating of course not. Yes we are high school graduates, as I mentioned I am in my fourth year of university… He has already reached professional level in his career. He is already there. wherever he goes I will too, with the children of course. That is obviously something we have discussed already even though it won’t happen anytime soon. He has educational options for when he retires, money will never be a problem either, it shouldn’t be. Haha no we do not have children, I stated I was a 21 year old virgin and he is 22.

 

[Anonymous911]

I’m sorry. Though it was just 100 years ago that Protestants and Catholics took similar views in this country. (And kids were more respectful of their parents, and rightfully so.)

Why can’t you get a new bank card, though?

Would it help if you reminded them the Church is our parent first? She is your mother before your mother is, and they are in the wrong. If they are Middle Eastern Christians, remind them of what the Moslems are doing to our brethren. Is it really any different? And do our Christian brethren deserve it? This African is our brother, just like the Palestinian Christians.

I agree with you. Every single word I’m with you. But they are too small minded to realise any of this. They have not thought about religion in my situation. Only their social view on this. They have forbidden it completely.
When I mention religion, or Jesus, they get REALLY defensive and angry. Quote from my dad which is quite embarrassing lol: “Jesus did not say marry Africans, he said yes go help them but you don’t have to marry them”
Ahh… nobody understands where I am coming from and how ridiculous my parents can be.

 

[Anonymous911]

Dear one, I think the time is coming where you must discern where God is leading you in your life.

I know your parents are middle eastern, and breaking ties with them will not be easy if that is what you must do. This is a heavy cross to bear. Jesus didn’t want his cross either, it is hard when you have to face something you don’t want to do.

I think you already know that you cannot live your life like this, but deep down you love your parents and hope that they will change. Ultimately your are not their child, you are God’s child and must follow His will for your life. God bless you and please be assured of my prayers.

I completely understand and am also with you. Though my question to myself every night and to God in my prayers is: is this His will? Or is this MY will? Is it written for my life that I leave my parents after everything? I trust in Him. I just wish I knew. I know what I am doing is not wrong. Not to this extent no way. He is only human of different skin colour. It’s very sad and I feel broken every day

 

[Anonymous911]

Seriously??? Um, did you read the part where her folks threatened to KILL HER? I certainly hope you missed that part, or you wouldn’t have said this, right?

I agree. I actually cannot wait this out because if they find out they will kill me. Not literally, but you get it.
I wish I could wait it out, he wishes too, but we are left with no other option but to run
It’s not about ‘love can wait’. When you are placed in such a limited position, there is only so much love can wait for.

 

[Anonymous911]

OK so after all the shouting just then, my mother insulting me and my parents snapping my credit card…
Just now she comes in my room with food and tells me that she loves me and that I’m like a vein in their body, their blood, and a part of them.

They are really playing with my mind and I don’t understand. She tells me that she doesn’t want me to think that she hates me. Yet everything she says she goes back on?
ANd then my mind tells me that I shouldn’t run away because maybe they are looking out for me in their own way? BUT I am not doing anything wrong!

I just don’t understand!!

 

[underacloud]

OK so after all the shouting just then, my mother insulting me and my parents snapping my credit card…
Just now she comes in my room with food and tells me that she loves me and that I’m like a vein in their body, their blood, and a part of them.

They are really playing with my mind and I don’t understand. She tells me that she doesn’t want me to think that she hates me. Yet everything she says she goes back on?
ANd then my mind tells me that I shouldn’t run away because maybe they are looking out for me in their own way? BUT I am not doing anything wrong!

I just don’t understand!!

This is a classic cycle of abusive behaviour. Treat someone badly, and then treat them nicely and assure them of your love…and then treat them badly again…and on it goes.

You need to assert yourself and refuse to be abused and manipulated.

It may be time to consider moving out. Find some shared rental accommodation and some casual employment to support yourself. Go to centerlink to discuss any government support for students living out of the family home, or other benefits that may make this move possible. Talk to people at uni and you will find many students are living this way, studying and working a little, and living the minimlist lifestyle needed in such circumstances.

If you can establish yourself as an independent adult, you will more easily control the kind of behaviour you will accept from your parents, and you can more clearly assess whether this man is the right man for you, having dissociated the two issues here.

 

[Anonymous911]

It may be time to consider moving out. Find some shared rental accommodation and some casual employment to support yourself. Go to centerlink to discuss any government support for students living out of the family home, or other benefits that may make this move possible. Talk to people at uni and you will find many students are living this way, studying and working a little, and living the minimlist lifestyle needed in such circumstances.

What you don’t understand is that I come from middle eastern background. There is no such thing as moving out of home, until you are married.
I can’t break this rule unless I run away. Whether it is with him or on my own. Please understand. Thank you.

 

[underacloud]

What you don’t understand is that I come from middle eastern background. There is no such thing as moving out of home, until you are married.
I can’t break this rule unless I run away. Whether it is with him or on my own. Please understand. Thank you.

I have middle eastern friends. Yes, I do understand. And in Australia, you must understand that this sort of thing - your parents controlling you like this - is not accepted by the vast majority of society. And in Australia you can break this. In Australia, you can assert your independance. In Australia, we do not have problems with “honour killings” or the like.

You want to be treated like an adult? Act like an adult!

 

[Anonymous911]

I have middle eastern friends. Yes, I do understand. And in Australia, you must understand that this sort of thing - your parents controlling you like this - is not accepted by the vast majority of society. And in Australia you can break this. In Australia, you can assert your independance. In Australia, we do not have problems with “honour killings” or the like.

You want to be treated like an adult? Act like an adult!

I agree with you.
However it is much easier said than done. Hence why I’m taking this approach of running away. NOT to escape my parents, but to be with the man I love.

If God is for us, who can be against us? - Romans 8:31

 

[underacloud]

I agree with you.
However it is much easier said than done. Hence why I’m taking this approach of running away. NOT to escape my parents, but to be with the man I love.

If God is for us, who can be against us? - Romans 8:31

I don’t mean to imply it will be easy. But it’s clear that the current situation is not easy either, and frankly sounds intollerable.

If you feel your only option is “running away”, so be it. As long as you are going to marry for the right reasons, and not as a crux to lean on to resolve your issues with your parents, then it is certainly a worthy choice to make.

 

[Anonymous911]

I don’t mean to imply it will be easy. But it’s clear that the current situation is not easy either, and frankly sounds intollerable.

If you feel your only option is “running away”, so be it. As long as you are going to marry for the right reasons, and not as a crux to lean on to resolve your issues with your parents, then it is certainly a worthy choice to make.

Once again I agree. Thank you. God bless.

 

[1ke]

What you don’t understand is that I come from middle eastern background. There is no such thing as moving out of home, until you are married.
I can’t break this rule unless I run away. Whether it is with him or on my own. Please understand. Thank you.

Perhaps you can explain what you mean by “running away”. What does running away entail in your mind?

Although of Middle Eastern descent, you live in Australia. You are 21 years old. You are free to pack your belongings and go where you please. You are free to rent an apartment, get a job, etc. That is leaving, not “running away”.

 

[Anonymous911]

Perhaps you can explain what you mean by “running away”. What does running away entail in your mind?

Although of Middle Eastern descent, you live in Australia. You are 21 years old. You are free to pack your belongings and go where you please. You are free to rent an apartment, get a job, etc. That is leaving, not “running away”.

If you want to put it that way, then yes, ‘leaving’ my parents for another man. Although I like to classify it as running away but it all means the same thing anyway, right?
Running away to me means leaving my parents for a man whom I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. The man I want to pay my life to and tie a knot with as one through God’s blessing. However without my parents support or acceptance, meaning that I have to leave home and live with him.

 

[1ke]

If you want to put it that way, then yes, ‘leaving’ my parents for another man. Although I like to classify it as running away but it all means the same thing anyway, right?

No, they do not mean the same thing at all. Perhaps this is a language or a cultural difference.

However without my parents support or acceptance, meaning that I have to leave home and live with him.

No, you do not need to live with him. You can live with a roommate or friends, in your college dorm or ana apartment. I understand you are planning to live with his parents, but I still urge you to consider living on your own.

 

[PrincessRenae]

Wow…that’s certainly a situation.

Have you tried reasoning with them in a way where both of you guys are not defensive? Have you brought up the idea of maybe going to family therapy over this?

I know that may sound simple but letting the guard down and cooling off is how I’m best suited to resolve a conflict. Anything else and I just get angry.

 

[SecretGarden]

Your parents are sounding like very irrational people. I would do two things asap. 1) go to the police and ask what are your rights and 2) get out of there. I know you are in the midst of your finals but even if you can stay with some friends (not boyfriend) that will help you ease the situation. Unfortunately some mid eastern families have very strange views in how to treat their daughters and it seems like your parents follow that pattern. I would seriously speak to the police asap or if you are scared, see a counsellor at school, all schools have them and ask them to guide you. Chances are they will send you to the police which is fine, but for your own security, you really need to know your options right now!

We have had a couple of situations with parents like yours in Canada and all I can say is: see the police, make a report, complaint etc and if you can get out. I won’t give the details in what happened to them because I don’t want to scare you but rest assure the advice I am giving is because I care.

I know most cities have shelters or safe houses for women who are escaping from abusive relationships. You need to protect yourself. So often we speak about god’s guidance but the general rule is: if your life or safety is in danger (as it seems to be the case,) it’s important to get into sometype of safe house until you can afford to move out on your own.

Please keep us updated because we care.

Good luck,

SG

 

[Nan_S]

My own parents were also strict, and insisted that I live at home while I was attending college. I was miffed because I felt they were overprotecting me, while at the same time giving my less-ambitious younger brother more freedom.

My advice to you: find an honorable way to leave home that your parents will be able to reconcile themselves to. Stay in their home until you graduate, but look for a job which will require you to move to another city.

 

[byzancatholic]

I agree with you.
However it is much easier said than done. Hence why I’m taking this approach of running away. NOT to escape my parents, but to be with the man I love.

If God is for us, who can be against us? - Romans 8:31

Your parents were wrong to threaten you with murder. I do not understand why parents believe they “own” a 21 year old adult child, but many of them do. I say this as a parent of two adult children who are self-sufficient and who trust me.

The biggest issue you have now is safe-housing and getting income (part time work or whatever). Get working on that.

As for your boyfriend’s parents “taking you in”, that is a noble gesture on their part and they likely see you as a future asset to their son’s life (which is a good thing). I abhor violence, especially in family situations. I am sorry you were subjected to such hostile actions. Parents have a moral and legal obligation to care for their youngsters, even when the youngster grows up. Your parents are behaving in a most horribly selfish manner and they will answer to God for it at some point.

Married students are considered “on their own” for financial aid in the USA and Canada. Maybe you and your boyfriend should consider wedding a year out? Have an engagement. Work with your clergy in preparing towards marriage.

But you should live on your own until marriage. Be independent, share time with your boyfriend-fiancé and get to know his family.

Why? Entering into marriage via peaceful circumstance is much better footing than marrying to quickly “resolve” a situation.

Bless you on keeping your chastity! That is a good and wise decision!

I will keep you in my prayers. And pray that your parents will have a change of heart. Your desperation is loud and clear in your posts.

Childhood and youth are temporary. A child is “on loan” to his/her parents for a short time. The time passes very quickly, too quickly.