NEED Advice - My Parents or My Lover?

[fin]

This!

You and other members said that your parents are racist for disapproving your relationship with your boyfriend who is of a different race. Let’s change the circumstances a bit. Let’s say your boyfriend also went to university like you, has excellent academic credentials, and is also studying to become a doctor like you (or some other difficult major), comes from a very good family background with well off parents who are prominent in society, owns several businesses, well educated, well travelled, sophisticated, etc. You get the picture. Do you think your parents would still disapprove of your boyfriend? I don’t think so.

I’m from a place where there is racial diversity too, though not as diverse as Australia. There are people here who come from a culture that’s sometimes known to also disapprove of marrying someone from another culture/race. I have heard of rich people whose children married someone from another race, and they didn’t mind, because the person one married while being from a different culture, had a similar background, like socioeconomic status, educational attainment. So it doesn’t seem to be a race issue per se, but a collection of factors.

If a Middle Eastern woman living in Australia (whom I shall call Sara) had two suitors, and I as the ‘racist’ parent, who do I prefer?

Suitor 1: also Middle Eastern, dropped out of college, currently jobless, doesn’t seem to be interested in getting one or getting an education, unhealthy lifestyle and spends his days eating potato chips in front of the TV and playing video games, depending on his parents for expenses, nominal Catholic and seldom goes to Church

Suitor 2: African descent, attended a posh boarding school in Switzerland, graduated among the top 10 in college and off to med school, with well off parents,is well mannered and well travelled, can speak 5 languages, can tap dance and play the flute at the same time, a devout Catholic who goes to Mass 5 times a week and practices chastity

I would think Mr and Mrs. Racist Parents like Suitor 2 more (gasp). So racism? Nah, it’s just a front.

– You are studying to become a doctor. That will require you to invest a lot of years in training, and it’s not the kind of training wherein you can just pack up and move on short notice. Indeed, it is difficult to transfer between colleges during any course of study for any degree, and retain credit for courses already taken. What will you do when he is traded to a team that is based in a distant city? Or when his choice is to move away from you or to quit playing ball?

– You don’t say what his educational level is, but at age 22 and already working professionally he has, at most, a bachelor’ degree, and it’s probably not in a field with advanced technical training. I suspect he may only have an Associates’ Degree, or less. You, on the other hand, will have a very advanced and very technical post-graduate degree. Intellectually, that puts you on two completely different levels. Will that leave him feeling emasculated when his sports career ends? Will he want to go back to college then, and if you have kids will he be able to go back to college?

– Who will take care of your kids when you are working 24-hour shifts to complete your internship and he is on a road trip with his team? Sure, you can put them in Day Care, but day care agencies don’t provide 24-hour care and they have a bad habit of calling to tell you your kid has a fever and must go somewhere else for the next three days.

– And then there is the culture factor, even though you downplay this. True, it is more and more common for inter-racial couples to marry. Having kids who don’t look like you is no longer the surprise it used to be. But skin color is only one small part of culture. What about your upbringing? Your family is very traditional, and a lot of their traditional attitudes have rubbed off on you whether you are willing to admit it or not. How does his family’s attitude towards life mesh with your own? Have you seriously compared family backgrounds, family values, attitudes towards work, attitudes towards education, kinds of work performed? Does his family take Catholicism seriously, or are they a hash of different Christian traditions, non-Christian traditions, and agnostics? Is his family part of the working poor who view athletic prowess as the means to escape poverty, whereas you come from a long line of successful professionals with advanced educations? Does one of you come from a family which prudently saves and invests every available dollar, while the other family lives a lavish lifestyle with fast cars and fancy clothes, funded by credit card debt and occasional bankruptcies?

You parents see these things. I hope you also pay attention to them. Good luck.

 

[Anonymous911]

This!

You and other members said that your parents are racist for disapproving your relationship with your boyfriend who is of a different race. Let’s change the circumstances a bit. Let’s say your boyfriend also went to university like you, has excellent academic credentials, and is also studying to become a doctor like you (or some other difficult major), comes from a very good family background with well off parents who are prominent in society, owns several businesses, well educated, well travelled, sophisticated, etc. You get the picture. Do you think your parents would still disapprove of your boyfriend? I don’t think so.

I would think Mr and Mrs. Racist Parents like Suitor 2 more (gasp). So racism? Nah, it’s just a front.

As bad as this sounds, they still wouldn’t accept him even if he was sent by Jesus to be with me. Doctor or not, he is black. Why do you think this is so so hard for me and completely forbidden? They care too much about reputation and simply do NOT want me to marry a black man. That’s all there is to it.

 

[byzancatholic]

Are you still residing with your parents, Anon?

I am in my mid-50s and a parent of grown youngsters: it is wrongful for a parent to crush a grown youngster’s spirit, confidence, responsible goals, sense of identity. In any culture, religion or society. Especially a daughter. Daughters are not chattel or some exchange commodity.

If we look at scriptures, we can note an absence of condemnation by Mary’s parents (Anna and Joachim) of her when Mary was found to be with child (Jesus). Betrothed future husband Joseph was in a dilemma, but remained with Mary. Perhaps your parents should take that situation as an example.

It’s been more than three months since any update or post came to this thread; forcing a grown accomplished daughter to submit like a servant is wrongful behavior and worried me. Depression can happen from a situation like this one.

Have you discussed this decision to leave your childhood home with (1) your confessor and (2) physician? Your confessor is under the seal of confession and assist you in making a decision that avoids any sinful behavior. Your confessor guidance would be ongoing. You are not sinful in wanting to leave the nest and be on your own. You are not sinful for wanting an abuse free living environment. And your physician can screen you for anxiety, depression and any other health anomaly that could erupt from living day to day in a forced situation of intentional disrespect.

If you and this fellow decide to marry, PLEASE give yourselves a period of 9 to 12 months of engagement!

 

[Anonymous911]

Are you still residing with your parents, Anon?

I am in my mid-50s and a parent of grown youngsters: it is wrongful for a parent to crush a grown youngster’s spirit, confidence, responsible goals, sense of identity. In any culture, religion or society. Especially a daughter. Daughters are not chattel or some exchange commodity.

If we look at scriptures, we can note an absence of condemnation by Mary’s parents (Anna and Joachim) of her when Mary was found to be with child (Jesus). Betrothed future husband Joseph was in a dilemma, but remained with Mary. Perhaps your parents should take that situation as an example.

I totally agree, but my parents are very close-minded. If I compare any bible verse to my situation, they will say something stupid like “yeah but Jesus didn’t tell us to marry black people, he said help them” lol. I won’t even comment on the statements they make because I’m sure we are all thinking the same thing. I don’t bother arguing anymore, because I realised I may as well argue with a brick wall and in the end neither will benefit me. I’ve been arguing with them for days, months, still no improvement, and I’m left with the only option to run away.

It’s been more than three months since any update or post came to this thread; forcing a grown accomplished daughter to submit like a servant is wrongful behavior and worried me. Depression can happen from a situation like this one.

Have you discussed this decision to leave your childhood home with (1) your confessor and (2) physician? Your confessor is under the seal of confession and assist you in making a decision that avoids any sinful behavior. Your confessor guidance would be ongoing. You are not sinful in wanting to leave the nest and be on your own. You are not sinful for wanting an abuse free living environment. And your physician can screen you for anxiety, depression and any other health anomaly that could erupt from living day to day in a forced situation of intentional disrespect.

If you and this fellow decide to marry, PLEASE give yourselves a period of 9 to 12 months of engagement!

I have posted other threads of updates of this situation, you can feel free to check them out if you go on my profile. I’m still with my boyfriend, and we are deciding to get married. My parents don’t know we are together, else they will “kill” me. I am planning to run away, I just need to find the strength to leave.

 

[byzancatholic]

You know I hate writing this, but your parents are not going to “change” in the near future.

Maybe they might soften up a bit if (and when) you have a child. A grandchild is a precious gift to the grandparents.

What would the living arrangements and logistics be if you stayed with your future in-laws? Would they provide you with your own room? Maybe that is not such a bad idea, with the caveat of you having your own private room. You need stability right now.
Stability to keep up with your school work.

At least you have your future in-laws in your corner…

Parents are not always “in the right”. Believe me, they’re not.

 

[Anonymous911]

You know I hate writing this, but your parents are not going to “change” in the near future.

Maybe they might soften up a bit if (and when) you have a child. A grandchild is a precious gift to the grandparents.

What would the living arrangements and logistics be if you stayed with your future in-laws? Would they provide you with your own room? Maybe that is not such a bad idea, with the caveat of you having your own private room. You need stability right now.
Stability to keep up with your school work.

At least you have your future in-laws in your corner…

Parents are not always “in the right”. Believe me, they’re not.

I couldn’t agree with you more. Yes I had a discussion with them and they said they are more than happy to support us. My in-laws are clearly not ‘racist’ no matter what background I am, as long as I am catholic and good to their son. The plan is to move in with them until my boyfriend and I find an apartment on our own which we can rent out and finance ourselves. We will definitely owe it to them.

I finished my studies, I’m going to graduate this month actually.

God bless.

 

[Rau]

OP, you wrote in your initial post:

They claim they are christians and tell me to pray asking Jesus for forgiveness and to lead me in the right path and away from the devil and evil (my relationship)…

What sin, that can be found in the Ten Commandments, or in the Catechism, do your parents believe you commit and for which you need Jesus’ forgiveness?

I have never heard racial hatred expressed by way of the accusation of sin on one who loves outside their own racial group.

 

[DeniseNY]

I
. My parents don’t know we are together, else they will “kill” me.

Your parents believe in so-called “honor” killings? Have you talked to the authorities about these threats?

 

[Anonymous911]

OP, you wrote in your initial post:

What sin, that can be found in the Ten Commandments, or in the Catechism, do your parents believe you commit and for which you need Jesus’ forgiveness?

I have never heard racial hatred expressed by way of the accusation of sin on one who loves outside their own racial group.

The sin of killing their reputation. My parents are racists. That’s all there is to it. It truly does suck, but they’ve left me with only one option. I pray every day that Jesus opens their minds and clears their souls and cleanses their hearts from any hate.

 

[SuperLuigi]

As bad as this sounds, they still wouldn’t accept him even if he was sent by Jesus to be with me. Doctor or not, he is black. Why do you think this is so so hard for me and completely forbidden? They care too much about reputation and simply do NOT want me to marry a black man. That’s all there is to it.

Again, I think its absurd. If your parents want to come on here and tell their side of their story, fine. The only thing that comes to my mind about dating someone who is different is if they are not a citizen in your country. That can come with some major headaches.

Otherwise, I think you sound smart enough to make up your mind who you date.

I have no answer for the racist attitudes, other than the fact that some people just can’t stand seeing someone they love with someone of a different skin tone, but if they love that person, why should it matter?

Ugh…racism = personal selfishness at its finest. :tsktsk: :banghead:

 

[SuperLuigi]

=Anonymous911;12333683]The sin of killing their reputation.

I’m sorry, but that is absurd. Do you suffer from scrupulosity? Because you are talking about ending what sounds like a decent relationship out of ignorance.

I don’t see any possibility of sin from that. :nope: :dts: