Need advice, not ready to retire. Sorry it's long

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Deltadeliquent

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Until october of last year I lived in the UK in a beautiful Victorian house surrounded by roses. I taught Textiles in the state school. He worked at the offices of a major supermarket. He had worked for them for forty years and ever since I had known him (10years) he had moaned about working. So when he maxed out his pension I encouraged him to retire early. We decided to move to Canada because of the healthcare situation.
Neither of us have any connection to Canada, (my mom was born there) or spent any time there.
We have a nice house in a beautiful place. We wanted somewhere in the country. Prices and time crunches and silly enthusiasm led us to relocate to a remote island off the BC coast. We bought a house after a three day visit during the summer.

However, the island where I live is very small. The population is too small (-1000) to support a church or service organisations, shops or clubs. There are two stores on the island but not much bigger that a Seven Eleven and two restaurants that are open in the summer only.

Walking seems to be the pastime of choice. The beach, the woods. There is honestly nothing else to do. Most are into the alternative culture and are not very well educated. Nothing wrong with that, we just don’t have anything in common.

He has gone back to work and travels to the UK and to Vancouver for two weeks out of four. I am left behind taking care of the pets, and knitting. I was alone on Thanksgiving even.
He and I live very different lives. Our kids are out of the house. I am incredibly homesick (cry alot!) and want to go back to England. But I would stay here if it saved our marriage. I do have a few aquantinces here, but I wouldn’t call them friends.

I thought that I could live here. I thought it would be OK for me, and I really wanted to make my husband happy. I did not move because I wanted to, but to make him happy. It’s turned out to a bit of The Gift of the Magi.

I struggle to fill my days and sit on the sofa knitting and watching TV most days. The nearest town is two ferry rides away. ( And costs $58.00 to get to). I cannot get to church, join groups, or get a job. We cannot go for dinner and a movie without spending the night in town. We never go anywhere, since it always means at least one over night stay, and the pet sitter. The be honest, I can’t see any thing to visit anyway.

My life has disappeared on me. I am miserable.

I could travel with my husband at least some of the time, but that would not cure the problem. I would be a tourist. I want a life, not to be on vacation all the time.
I feel terrible about this, and we have been having horrible fights about moving. My husband loves this place and doesn’t want to move. And he afraid that if we move, I wont like that place either. He wants a boat, a trailer, more pets.

We made a mistake. That’s all, just a mistake. We didn’t do the homework. I am not the sort of person that can be happy doing nothing all day but walking the dog in the woods. There must be something else to do with the other hours of the day. I feel invisible, totally dependent and useless. He’s not even home half the time, so I’m not about taking care of him. My life now has no meaning or purpose.
He works, travels, sees his family, solves problems, gets paid, reads newspapers, eats out, meets new people, etc. All the things that a life is built on. I have none of that. When he is gone I get up late, and go to bed early. I often go for days, even more than a week without seeing or talking to another soul except through email. When away, my husband does call me once a day.

I am surprised and unhappy with the way he is handling this issue. He is very angry at me for not liking the situation, and has begun to be dismissive and contemptuous of me. He is using money as a weapon, saying he has to work to make sure we are comfortable, especially now that I want to move. The house we moved into was not adequate for our needs and so we put some cash into it. Now those improvements are like a dead albatross around my neck since he says we have put too much into the house to leave it. We have a nice pension, and cash in the bank,no debt at all.

In moments of weakness he has said we could move. He is very resentful and says “you just find a place and I will move!” He acts like he has no idea how to make it happen since he won’t put our present house on the market (and in this market it could take a couple of years to sell) and he refuses to rent or have a mortgage even for a short time.

I sometimes think it would be a kindness on my part to leave him. Then he could stay on his island, and I can go home and get on with life. It would break both our hearts and we love each other very much. At least we did.
I am Catholic, though I haven’t been practicing much, and he is an atheist. After having been a sincerely kind, generous, compassionate and sensitive husband he now is saying there is no meaning in anyone’s life, no purpose. He doesn’t understand my problem. We are all just products of blind biology and nothing more. Not something articulated before, but quite shocking to me.
It is my second marriage, his fourth. We were not married in the Church.
I’m hoping for opinions and advice both from a worldly view and a Catholic view.

So I guess I am asking you guys what you think I should do. Should I make more “noise” and hope he gives in? Should I just take the decision out of his hands and leave? Should I just sit tight and learn to live with the stupefying boredom. If so, how does one do that? I’d welcome any opinion from men too.
I am growing closer to God in all of this, lots of time alone means lots of time to pray…
I can’t bear the thought of this being the rest of my life. I’m 53 and in perfect health. It’s been over a year now.
 
Here are my thoughts for what it’s worth. I suppose I should tell you that I’m a Catholic. It is hard to put yourself in another person’s place but I’m willing to try. It could at least give you something to think about.

If I were in your place I would sit down with hubby and tell him how you feel just like you did here and give him some options. Option 1, sell the house and take a “hit” on the investment and both of you move back to the UK. Option 2, tell him that he can have the house on the island and you are out of there, it’s his decision. In either case, seek the Kingdom of God and his righteousness. It seems that this is a fork in your life and could lead you home to Him.

Annie
 
Try traveling with him as much as possible and see if it helps. You’d have the house on the island when you want to be home and you’d have your husband and activities when you want to be away. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a place you both want to live.
 
Deltadelinquent said:

“We decided to move to Canada because of the healthcare situation.
Neither of us have any connection to Canada, (my mom was born there) or spent any time there.”

I am familiar with that part of the world and I have relatives who have a home on the BC mainland and an island property and love the island property (but note that they have both).

Bear in mind that at your time of life, if either of you has a stroke or heart attack on your remote island, that it may well be the end of you. It doesn’t matter how many insurance cards you have if you just aren’t close enough to the hospital.

“He has gone back to work and travels to the UK and to Vancouver for two weeks out of four. I am left behind taking care of the pets, and knitting. I was alone on Thanksgiving even.”

One of your options is to move to the BC mainland and just vacation on the islands if he likes the islands.

“I could travel with my husband at least some of the time, but that would not cure the problem. I would be a tourist. I want a life, not to be on vacation all the time.
I feel terrible about this, and we have been having horrible fights about moving. My husband loves this place and doesn’t want to move. And he afraid that if we move, I wont like that place either. He wants a boat, a trailer, more pets.”

Move to the mainland and try to get a job. I would probably suggest trying something at one of the colleges (some sort of arts or craft thing) or working to qualify as an English as a Second Language teacher (unless you have a huge accent)–there are so many non-native speakers in the area.

Definitely put your foot down about the boat, trailer and pets. If you want to use a boat, rent one. There are all sorts of jokes about boats, how a boat is a hole in the water that you pour money into, that the two happiest days in your life are when you buy a boat and when you sell it, etc. We have relatives who have one, and theirs always seems to be in the shop being worked on.

With regard to the pets, don’t get any more unless you and your husband are going to be in the same place and he will be able to care for them.

“He works, travels, sees his family, solves problems, gets paid, reads newspapers, eats out, meets new people, etc. All the things that a life is built on. I have none of that. When he is gone I get up late, and go to bed early. I often go for days, even more than a week without seeing or talking to another soul except through email. When away, my husband does call me once a day.”

Tell him this. Tell him that you want to be with him, you want to interact with other people, and you want off the island.

“I am surprised and unhappy with the way he is handling this issue. He is very angry at me for not liking the situation, and has begun to be dismissive and contemptuous of me. He is using money as a weapon, saying he has to work to make sure we are comfortable, especially now that I want to move. The house we moved into was not adequate for our needs and so we put some cash into it. Now those improvements are like a dead albatross around my neck since he says we have put too much into the house to leave it. We have a nice pension, and cash in the bank,no debt at all.”

Google “sunk cost fallacy” and share it with your husband.

What Dave Ramsey (the American personal finance guy) recommends in these situations is to ask yourself, if I didn’t have this thing now, would I buy it again? If the answer is no, then you need to sell. That’s obviously where you are with this property. Put it up for sale and see what you can get for it. If you have a huge offer in hand, your husband may have a very hard time saying no to the sale.

“In moments of weakness he has said we could move. He is very resentful and says “you just find a place and I will move!” He acts like he has no idea how to make it happen since he won’t put our present house on the market (and in this market it could take a couple of years to sell) and he refuses to rent or have a mortgage even for a short time.”

Take him up on his offer. List the house with a realtor and look for pied a terre in Vancouver. It will cost money, but if you have no debt and have a decent income, you can afford it. And you certainly can afford it just as well as you can afford a boat, a trailer, and more pets…

“I sometimes think it would be a kindness on my part to leave him. Then he could stay on his island, and I can go home and get on with life. It would break both our hearts and we love each other very much. At least we did. I am Catholic, though I haven’t been practicing much, and he is an atheist. After having been a sincerely kind, generous, compassionate and sensitive husband he now is saying there is no meaning in anyone’s life, no purpose. He doesn’t understand my problem. We are all just products of blind biology and nothing more. Not something articulated before, but quite shocking to me.
It is my second marriage, his fourth. We were not married in the Church.”

Get yourself to the mainland and talk to a priest about your situation.

This may be unfair, but I almost wonder whether he is having an affair. It’s awfully convenient having you trapped on the island like this.

“I’m hoping for opinions and advice both from a worldly view and a Catholic view.”
So I guess I am asking you guys what you think I should do. Should I make more “noise” and hope he gives in? Should I just take the decision out of his hands and leave? Should I just sit tight and learn to live with the stupefying boredom. If so, how does one do that? I’d welcome any opinion from men too."

Talk to a priest and take care of yourself. Maybe find a therapist on the mainland (I can make a suggestion if you PM me–even if you don’t go with her, she could refer you to other reputable people). This is not a tolerable situation and you are not being unreasonable.
 
I think it will be hard as a Catholic to be married to an atheist. You are not even able to receive the sacraments! Yeah, I guess our faith can handle that, but again, I’d want to be able to get to church, MINIMUM once a week and holy days of obligation!

However, I doubt he’d see the sacraments with the same importance as you do. He doesn’t believe there’s a God, anyway. To his way of thinking, why would it matter one way or another if you ever received them?

That’s no kind of life or marriage.

You have NO support network…no Church…no real friends, not him…just some pets! What kind of life is that? It’s a little like solitary confinement.

Does the Church consider your marriage “valid”?
 
Xantippe: thank you so much for saying I am not being unreasonable.
He says I am being selfish, immature and ungrateful.
Part of this is that I doubt myself so much.

I have floated the idea of keeping the island as a vacation home. He refuses.
I have floated the idea that we get a second home in England, or Vancouver, or elsewhere. I am American too and we both like the Santa Fe area and Oregon. Most expats dont have the immigration “in” that he does(me!) so they often live half and half. The pets are a problem with that in the UK, but not in the US. We can take them.
We have a pet sitter who is happy to take care of the cats for long periods since she gets wifi, TV and a warm place to live whilst she is here. (She lives in a converted school bus otherwise).
He says he will think about it, then nothing happens. I don’t feel good about just up and doing something like putting the house on the market without his consent., But i might have to. Often he says we don’t have the money. He will go one day saying we have xxx,xxx.00 in the bank, and the next swear he has to work because we need the money.
So he’s using confusion, as well as helplessness ( how do we buy a house when we need the money from this house? And we shouldn’t put this one on the market unless we have somewhere to go…)
BTW, he is earning $xxxx.00 a day consulting in Vancouver. He finally has his PR which allows him to live and work in Canada. He got that through me…because I am a citizen.

I have thought about the affair thing, and you are not the first or suggest it. I’ve never dealt with that before, but I don’t think so. And yesterday I said no to a boat, at least for now.

I am seeing a priest next week.

Annie, I think you are braver that I am, but I in the end I will have to give him the ultimatum.

Clearwater: I think we are valid, but I believe I can get a “Defect of Form” annulment. And it’s a lot like Solitary. My thoughts just go round and round. They have no where to go.
I’ve tried to bring up "sunk cost " too. But he says I’m talking in puzzles. My husband who was once a sophisticated, urbane, interesting, kind, considerate, compassionate man ( in spite of his thoughts on life) is now gone. Is like the fairies have got hold of him.

Thank you everyone for reading, I know my post is a bit of a time to slog through…
 
Deltadelinquent said:

“He says I am being selfish, immature and ungrateful.”

You’re not.

“He says he will think about it, then nothing happens. I don’t feel good about just up and doing something like putting the house on the market without his consent., But i might have to. Often he says we don’t have the money. He will go one day saying we have xxx,xxx.00 in the bank, and the next swear he has to work because we need the money.
So he’s using confusion, as well as helplessness ( how do we buy a house when we need the money from this house? And we shouldn’t put this one on the market unless we have somewhere to go…)”

Your husband sounds like he’s gaslighting you.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

Based on your description of your husband’s lifestyle, you guys easily have the money to pay for a small apartment in the Vancouver area (and it would make sense with your husband doing so much business there), particularly if you picked up some little job. There is absolutely nothing standing in your way, except for your husband.

“I have thought about the affair thing, and you are not the first or suggest it. I’ve never dealt with that before, but I don’t think so. And yesterday I said no to a boat, at least for now.”

Based on your description, it’s an absolutely perfect set-up for a double life.

Keep standing up for yourself.

“I am seeing a priest next week.”

Very good. The more real, breathing people you talk to, the better.

Also, start looking for a job in Vancouver. Once you have a job offer, tell your husband you will be renting an apartment in Vancouver and then go ahead and do that.

"I’ve tried to bring up “sunk cost " too. But he says I’m talking in puzzles.”

Maybe it’s time to find a financial planner to explain this to him, with hand puppets if necessary.

“My husband who was once a sophisticated, urbane, interesting, kind, considerate, compassionate man ( in spite of his thoughts on life) is now gone. Is like the fairies have got hold of him.”

You’re wife #4. Are you sure that this isn’t the real him?

Best wishes!
 
^^^^This. I have someone in my life that’s a master manipulator like this. She can make you question your own sanity, and leave you wondering what really just happened after each interaction. It’s a gaslight, to control the money, the reputation, the resources, the whatever-you-have.

Prayers for you, and peace be with you.
V
 
It doesn’t sound like it is just a problem with the area that you are in. There are ways to remedy that - such as make a promise to yourself and a spot in the budget for you to go into town at least once a week, preferably on Sundays, for Mass and an outing. Also, you could look for work online! That would keep you busy where you are, give you mental stimulation, and bring in some cash.

The real problem seems like it is your husband. Most likely if that is true, and you move, your problems are going to follow you.

I hope you can figure out the real problem here. Prayers and good luck.
 
Besides the fact that I can’t into town for Mass because of the ferry schedules…
What do I do with the other 6 days?

What sort of jobs do you online?
 
HouseArrest said:

“Also, you could look for work online! That would keep you busy where you are, give you mental stimulation, and bring in some cash.”

I think the OP wants and needs to see real, live people. As a former teacher, that’s probably a big deal to her.

I think the remote island location is at least 50% of the problem. If the OP were able to work and socialize more with real live people, it would matter less that her husband is being an ogre.
 
Deltadeliquent said:
Besides the fact that I can’t into town for Mass because of the ferry schedules…
What do I do with the other 6 days?

What sort of jobs do you online?
Click to expand...
If you decide to go that route I know people who have done at home online research for various companies. Others I have heard do editing and writing work for articles, advertisements, etc. You could also take online classes just for the heck of it, for a degree, or for continuing education to supplement a degree you already have. Might be possible to get a real world job that will allow you to work primarily from home and only ask you travel to the offices a few times a month.
 
I sympathize with your situation. I know that living in an island community can be very challenging, especially in the winter months - I lived in the US San Juan Islands for about 5 years in the 1980s. It was beautiful and the population of the island I lived on at the time was larger than yours so it had more businesses, but still most islanders got “cabin fever” and felt the need to take a trip off island every few months. It seemed like people had to create their own fun things to do since there aren’t the ready made things to do like in the city.
Are there no community groups at all on the island that you could be involved in? I know that on one the the small islands in the general area in which I lived, which was only accessible by boat and not ferry served, the community still had events at the one and only school. They had meetings there, movie nights and other activities. Could you teach any small classes where you are?
What disturbs me about your situation other than the isolation is that you don’t seem to have much information about the finances and your husband isn’t giving you enough information to make any informed decisions. It also disturbs me that he seems not to care about your needs at all. I think it might be helpful to get off island and go talk to a priest or a counselor about the situation.
 
I can empathize. As a military wife there were many times I was left to run things and maintain a household while living in remote overseas areas…no support system, nothing. In fact we were stationed on a Mediterranean island for two years (can’t say which) during which there were no other Americans at all, my husband was off doing secret stuff for weeks and months at a time while I had four small children under 7 years old. I remember LONGING to get off that beautiful island!!! It gets downright claustrophobic.
In your case, there is no possible reason to continue with this lifestyle. You are desperately unhappy, and rightly so. Work from this point on to make your life what is meaningful to you…with or without him. If he is a good husband, he will follow you. Remember, YOU are in charge of your own happiness. Take the first step and leave the island however you can, after doing a little planning and do keep your husband in the loop. Tell him a specific day you will be leaving and invite him along. Refer to the Day often so he knows you’re serious. Put the house on the market or at least start calling realtors. Your husband will not do this for you, you have to do it on your own. It’s very difficult but you will be much happier. If he loves you, he wants your happiness.
I will pray for you.
 
Thank you everyone.
I’ve been alone for a week now, and I have another one to go. Then he leaves again on the fifth January…
I’m going to see a priest tomorrow in the town it takes two ferry rides, two and one half hours and $58.00 to get to. Maybe he can give me a man’s perspective.
 
Musician said:

“In your case, there is no possible reason to continue with this lifestyle. You are desperately unhappy, and rightly so. Work from this point on to make your life what is meaningful to you…with or without him. If he is a good husband, he will follow you. Remember, YOU are in charge of your own happiness. Take the first step and leave the island however you can, after doing a little planning and do keep your husband in the loop. Tell him a specific day you will be leaving and invite him along. Refer to the Day often so he knows you’re serious. Put the house on the market or at least start calling realtors. Your husband will not do this for you, you have to do it on your own. It’s very difficult but you will be much happier. If he loves you, he wants your happiness.”

Right.

“I’m going to see a priest tomorrow in the town it takes two ferry rides, two and one half hours and $58.00 to get to. Maybe he can give me a man’s perspective.”

As Musician said, there’s no reason on earth to continue with this living arrangement if it depresses you. It’s also a little crazy to be in a situation where you worry about a $58 ferry ride that’s essential to your mental health when you’re probably sitting on about $1 million in real estate. (I have relatives who also have a little island property in that part of the world and I know that in that area of BC, all of the real estate prices tend to be in low 7 figures.)

There’s no reason to turn a mistake into a life sentence, particularly not at your age.
 
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