Need Advice on Brother Who Won't Work

[Starr555]

Help. I have a brother is 50 years old, married, and two foreign-adopted children. He is Catholic, but not practising; however, the children are being raised Catholic. He quits jobs all the time (he originally studied medicine, but could not pass his boards, and has done everything from teaching to cleaning, but nothing suits him). His wife does not work and does not want to. They live in a very nice home with three cars - one is new - 2 dogs, 2 cats, built-in swimming pool, well, you get the idea. His wife has/had money to pay for all of the above, but I believe the well has run dry. For years, my parents have sent them money to “help” out. Also, years ago, my brother stole my father’s identity and didn’t pay the creditors - to the tune of $15,000. Since then, my parents have continued to help, but they are fed up. My brother no longer speaks to us because last year, when his wife called to ask for money, I asked her why she couldn’t work. My brother didn’t appreciate it. I am feeling just torn about what to do. I want to do the Christian thing - am I supposed to help by sending them money? I feel that this is not the kind of help they truly need; but they are very difficult to talk to. It is my sister-in-law that does all of the communicating with my family. Any advice would be a blessing.
Thank you.

 

[strngrnrth]

I wouldn’t send a penny. Rather, I’d start cutting them out of my life. I wouldn’t answer his calls. He isn’t a guy who can’t find a good job. He is a married man who scams his own flesh and blood and expects a lush life to be handed to him by those he has already victimized.

 

[mholoth]

I have a sister (single parent) who works but doesn’t make much (but enough to support herself and the kids) and spends what she does have irresponsibly (ie Burger King instead of groceries, an amusement park outing instead of rent, go clubbing instead of paying the electric bill).

For a long time I made sure she had food and clothes for the kids, I supplied the food & clothes-not the money. I was nuts enough to move them in with us for a while, well then she just didn’t work but was supposed to be going to school to get her GED. That was several years ago and she still doesn’t have the GED. She began selling the clothes, shoes that I got for the kids, so I quit that. I helped with food and utilities (I paid them myself at the water/utility co) as we could until we moved away from there, which ‘there’ was where we moved her with us to. I also (huge, huge mistake) got her a cell phone on our plan since she couln’t afford a home phone. That was a disaster, that is how my dd ended up with a cell phone, 4 months delinquent. I had the plan transferred to another phone, for my dd, got stuck with the delinquent bill, but they would have shut off all our phones plus those outrageous early cancellation fees.

When dh got pcs orders, he told me I couldn’t tell her until we hit the 2nd toll booth! We did tell her but not until we were out of our house, everything was packed by the movers and gone, and we were staying in a hotel! I am a bleeding heart, but you know what? That has only been 2 months ago that we moved and she has found others to supply her with her needs. Folks like that are very resourceful.

Don’t feel guilty for not supplying their lifestyle, it sounds like you have been more than generous. You can’t stop your parents from helping, they have to figure that out on their own. As you can see from above, it takes a brick in the head, several times, to get through to me.

 

[Chovy]

You would hurt them by giving thm money. These people need to become self-sufficient.

It is not un-Christian to allow them to see the direct consequences of their unwise decisions.

Good luck. I have a sister who has made similar choices and one cannot throw enough money at the problem to make it go away.

 

[puzzleannie]

there is nothing you can do personally except be prudent in your own lending and assistance, and be prepared to right off any expectation of inheriting a dime from your parents, and work on a spirituality that will allow you to forgive that circumstance. your parents need a lawyer, and some assertiveness training, and a tough love seminar, but if this guy is 50, I doubt if anything in their relationship will change now. I truly think the suggestion that always sounds so pat, to pray, is really the only way, because you will definitely need prayer to avoid growing in bitterness over the situation. to give someone like that money is like throwing gasoline on a fire, or giving heroin to an addict, and about as kind.

 

[kevinsgirl]

The PP’s are right–you are obligated to give money to people who really need it. Your relatives need it only because they refuse to take care of their basic needs by working. You have no responsiblity to provide for them and your parents also do not have this responsibility. Your brother and his wife are adults with children…they have the ability to provide and are simply choosing not to. While it is regrettable that the children will have to suffer the most from this, you should do nothing at this time. If they need money, they can sell some of their assets. I know people like this…they won’t starve…

 

[Sina]

WOW… I can’t believe what I am hearing about your brother. 50 years old!

I have a brother too, who asks for money… but it is because he cannot work due to a mental illness. He gets some money from the province but not enough to get by on. However, he uses any extra money (and money that should go to food and nutrition )to drink ( sort of self medicating away his anxieties… as many with mental illnesses do) so I cannot give him money because it will go straight to alcohol. He knows that too. When he asks for something and we refused as a family, he gets really mad and really mean and cuts us out of his life. I think that is absolutely silly because he doesn’t really have anyone else to support him emotionally. Of course we help out with driving him around and things like that.

Anyways, in your situation, your brother needs to shape up! He has been living like this for way too long. I feel for his kids I think that if he has a really low point in his life with this all, he can bounce back up and will succeed. What do you think?

I know how frustrating this all is. I am really glad you said no to him for giving him $$ and I hope your parents are able to as well. I know it is hard! Trust me… a few times I gave my brother money even though I knew it was the wrong thing to do.

He is a grown man. He can handle himself. It is painful when he cuts you off… but you can’t do anything about it. It is up to him.

 

[AHapka]

No less than St. Paul said that if a man won’t work, let him not eat.

Anyone who can afford to live in a house with a swimming pool and three cars does not need financial help, no matter what they say.

The first time you give them money, shame on them.

If you do it again, shame on you.

Sometimes it takes nobody helping them for them to learn…

 

[Newbie2]

Do the “Tough Love” thing.

“Also, years ago, my brother stole my father’s identity and didn’t pay the creditors - to the tune of $15,000”

You already did the Christian thing in not insisting that your father have him locked up!

Ignore their requests for money, and don’t be guilted into things like, “How can you be so heartless, the kids need to eat” and such tripe as this that you may be subjected to.

The answer to that would be, “How can you be so lazy and heartless that you can’t get a job and take care of your OWN kids?”