Need advice on feeling isolated and lonely

[FanofB16]

Hi.

I’m hoping you could help me here with some advice. Here goes:

I’m 29 and find myself completely isolated in life. I go to work and have great friends at work who are very supportive and helpful and great company. I value their friendship.

But I don’t see them outside of work. They like to go out drinking heavily and to nightclubs, which is not my scene. But I enjoy their company at work and I’m well liked by them. It’s fun trying to model being a Catholic to them.

But when I return home at night, I return to my parents and as a general rule, I don’t have much other company. So over Christmas, apart from my small family, I saw no one. I received no phone calls or texts or emails from friends. It’s as if I’m invisible Apart from Christmas cards from family, I got 2 this year and they were from friends in work. .

The thing is I do have Catholic “friends” who I see every week at Church. But they are very cliquey and never invite me anywhere, whether it is out for coffee or lunch etc. They are happy to just carry on in their own group. When some friends got married recently, they cut me out of their life and I never see them (I know its not intentional, just the situation in life, but it still hurts).

I was away on a Mission trip in the summer and made friends there. But people there were already in a friendship group and didnt include me after the trip.

I’ve also left messages for friends on their Myspace sites but they dont leave me replies.

My basic problems are:

1. Although I’m liked and respected, no one seems to think it would be good to involve me or ask me for coffee etc. Its as if Im the invisible man or perceived as the nice ordinary man who is ok to chat with from time to time but who would never think of asking out for lunch etc.
2. The people I meet already have strong friendship groups, and they dont see any need to involve me or include me. (I know its not intentional from them or conscious - they just are not thinking).

When I go out for concerts or dinners or the cinema, it’s always with my parents coz Ive noone else to go with. It’s embarssing.

I saw 14 -15 friends at a dinner party before Christmas. I chatting away with people and also briefly with a young Catholic lady I really like, but again they were in their own social groups and left together with a polite good-bye to me.

I have a get-to-goether at a friends house next week with probably over 10-12 people going, but it feels pointless. I will go, enjoy it, but then not see the people for a long time.

There’s a line in the Lake House film where the main character Kate says “Everytime I stop to take a breath, I realize how isolated I’ve let myself become”. I dont know how I’ve got this way, but I do know that its really scary. I would make 3 final points:

1. I’m not bitter about any of this, im just sad and scratching my head about what to do with it. I do try and make an effort, dress well, be polite friendly etc and I think people enjoy my company at the time. Its really weird that my non-Christian work friends invite me out to clubs and pubs, but my Catholic friends never involve me. The only contact I usually get from them is if I am able to help with something eg. a lift somewhere.
2. I also long for a wife and in the last year, there have been two relationships which were ended not by me and again I wonder why. I cant seem to get Catholic women to notice me and it hurts me that married life is nowhere on the horizon at the moment.
3. Loneliness is my cross at the moment and it constantly leads me to feelings of despair and even a prayer to God wishing that I had never been born. As I wrote earlier, I feel like the invisible man.

So what do you all think?

 

[twosweetgirls]

Well, first of all, might I ask why you’re still living with your parents at 29 years old? Not that that’s a bad thing, but maybe part of the “turn-off” for some people is thinking that there may be something “wrong” (for lack of a better word) with a grown man, gainfully employed and educated and well-dressed, who’s still living with his folks.

 

[puzzleannie]

I just heard a talk at an Advent retreat given by a Catholic layman in parish leadership, who addressed this very issue. His point was the solution to this situation is to serve, find someone to serve, find an agency to volunteer with, a neighbor who needs assistance, but serve. He went on to say that the answer to spiritual malaise, “I am not being fed, or I am not getting anything out of Mass/prayer/devotions” is to serve. The solution to conflicts in marriage and family is to serve. He gave a lot of quotes from saints and good Christian writers, which I don’t remember, but the message seems very sound to me.

 

[twosweetgirls]

^That’s a good point. Find something to serve in–Habitat for Humanity, your local food shelf, delivering meals or Holy Eucharist to the home-bound, volunteer at your local hospital or something. . . and do so with the attitude of truly serving others, not for the purpose of “meeting someone”.

 

[InLight247]

Reading your post, I can feel your pain.
Other than to volunteer and serve, my only suggestions are:

• Pray, ask God to lead your way, to send good friends.
• Find a young adult group to join.
• Find a Bible study group to join.
• Find any other possible church group may interest you and join.

Make all possible efforts to expand your social circle.
And pray.

God bless!

 

[Conservative]

Been there - done that - all my life. Lived with my Mom -
Sadly, there’s some sort of stigma to it, particularly for a man. But even as a woman, I’ve heard it all about getting out on my own, etc. In the long run, it wouldn’t have made a difference - in my case, I’m glad I stayed. But it sounds like living with your parents hasn’t kept you from going out, accepting invitiations and seeking more, etc.

You seem to have a relatively active social life. For me, there were also the clique issues - I think there is for everyone - but it hurts more when it happens with church or religiously run events.

At 29, you’re still young by today’s standards, where marriage is concerned but it sounds like you’re in earnest to settle down with someone nice. I will say that, unfortunately, there is an attitude about moving out - but will ask - if you lived on your own, do you think the invites would increase? Do you think the relationships you mentioned would have continued or ended if you weren’t living with your parents? Would your lifestyle / relationships with women have become less Catholic/Christian if you were on your own? Those are some serious questions to consider.

There’s nothing wrong with moving out on your own - but don’t think that will be the solution to feeling lonely. You could still bump into the same cliques or unsuccessful relationships - and more alone than with your parents. But that’s a personal choice.

 

[water]

I just heard a talk at an Advent retreat given by a Catholic layman in parish leadership, who addressed this very issue. His point was the solution to this situation is to serve, find someone to serve, find an agency to volunteer with, a neighbor who needs assistance, but serve. He went on to say that the answer to spiritual malaise, “I am not being fed, or I am not getting anything out of Mass/prayer/devotions” is to serve. The solution to conflicts in marriage and family is to serve. He gave a lot of quotes from saints and good Christian writers, which I don’t remember, but the message seems very sound to me.

I believe this very much. One example is: to visit a Nursing Home.
FanofB16, take the opportunity that you are single to serve others. In doing this, you may find more happiness than to hand around with someone to have a cup of coffee.

 

[TraderTif]

I don’t know if I can add much advice…but I can certainly sympathize. As a 26-year old, still living with my parents, I think I have a good idea how you might feel.

(Although, I have health problems, which have limited my social interaction more than you, I suspect.)

But all I can offer is…if you have an interest, pursue it! I’ve met a couple friends because we all collect the same sorts of dolls. (And if I can meet people in my “chronically-ill” state, then I’m sure you can do even better!!) Volunteer, help out at church, whatever peaks your interest!!

And I know how you feel when you think you won’t ever find a spouse. (I feel that way all the TIME!) But just hang in there!! Put yourself out in all the right places, and if God wants you married, then the right person will come along. (Well…that’s what I keep telling myself anyway, lol)

 

[starry_nites]

This seems to be quite a common problem among singles today. That sense of isolation and loneliness.

You could call your Catholic friends and ask if there are any activities happening and if there are, then would it be possible for you to tag along. I’m sure they will be happy to include you.

As for a wife, maybe you could try joining some Catholic dating sites. Also, you might meet the right woman when you are invited to more social events.

Most of all, pray. Good luck!

 

[water]

Well, first of all, might I ask why you’re still living with your parents at 29 years old? Not that that’s a bad thing, but maybe part of the “turn-off” for some people is thinking that there may be something “wrong” (for lack of a better word) with a grown man, gainfully employed and educated and well-dressed, who’s still living with his folks.

FYI. In some culture, people like to live with their parents until they get married.

 

[birdie74]

Hi there,

I know how you feel - I am 23, moved to a new city 6 months ago, have a job, take a couple of classes, but NO FRIENDS. I too like my co-workers, but also like you, I hate going out to bars and clubs until the wee hours, so that has prevented any real bonds from forming. And also like you, I haven’t met anyone at the local church (strangely enough, one time I did show up with a guy friend and several people greeted us and introduced themselves - people tend to be much more welcoming to couples, which is strange, because people who show up alone are most in need of a friendly face!)

I agree with the other posters who said moving out of your parents’ home wouldn’t make much difference - I have my own apartment and that has only made me more lonely! If you want some turn-around, I think the trick is to be the person to initiate a social event. Invite someone to lunch, ask some people if they want to see a movie with you, or whatever. It can make a big difference. These people probably assume you already have a group of friends, so they don’t feel the need to pursue a deeper connection with you If you invite them somewhere it shows your interest. I’ve heard that the trick in making friends is letting them know you like them - think about it, it’s pretty much impossible to dislike or ignore someone who likes you and is making an effort to see more of you!

I know it’s hard - I have a hard time taking my own advice because I am quite shy. Hang in there, though - you can do it! And don’t forget all the advantages of single life - more time to spend with your parents, who won’t be around forever, more time to cultivate your own interests and hobbies, freedom to travel and volunteer, and you only have to worry about your own problems without getting all stressed about a girlfriend’s problems! Good luck!

 

[danball1]

I have an idea…your new years resolution should be to say a rosary everyday, than talk to God for a while. I KNOW that as you pray and talk to God, and if you can consistantly do this, he will PERSONALLY take care of your lonliness b/c he loves to satisfy those who seek him!

 

[sallybranwyn]

One option is to check out meetup.com. There are “groups” in virtually every region of the US (probably other countries, too?). I moved to a new city on my own a year ago and have gone to a book club event and plan to go to a “Chocolate” event (cue Gregorian chant) and possibly an “Urban Adventurers” event. You set up a profile and look by interest or zipcode. Undoubtedly, there are some weirdos, but there are a whole lot of regular people in the same position we’re in. Worth a look.

 

[jpjd]

1. I really think it’s time for you to live in your own place. Whatever your family culture may be, the standard American culture is, after you graduate and get a full-time job, you might live at home for awhile until you save some money, but then you do get your own apartment. At age 29, you are way overdue. This loneliness may be God’s way of nudging you to get out of your comfort zone and take the next step.
2. I think you should try this: be the “inviter” for a change. Instead of waiting for people to invite you somewhere, you invite them somewhere, such as to a concert or show or movie; or to your place for the “big game,” or some guy movie, or to play a board game or poker. Or go out with a group to eat breakfast eggs and coffee at the local restaurant. Two things that could come out of it are: you might actually have so much fun that the group agrees to do it again; and people will hopefully reciprocate – when they host a future party or gathering they invite you in return.
3. There are people who are pleasant to talk to, but they are so reserved that it’s hard to really get to know them. When you go to these events, do you “reveal” yourself to them? Tell them what’s going on in your life. Not anything too personal, but enough that it draws them to you, gets them interested in you. Also, are you relaxed? Sometimes, being too polite and proper (for lack of a better word) leads to a formality that inhibits a friendship from forming.

It also helps to be a good “story-teller.” Some people are natural-born talkers – they can hold their listener’s attention without effort, and if they are funny, so much the better. Those of us that aren’t like that have a harder time in social settings, but one thing is for sure, having a sense of humor draws people to you.

 

[blessedtoo]

I think you should try this: be the “inviter” for a change.

You beat me to it!

After reading your post, fanofB16, it appears you are taking a passive approach to making friends. Rather than waiting for the group to involve you, why don’t you grab one or two people that you like and invite them for pizza or a movie?

 

[February]

1. I really think it’s time for you to live in your own place. Whatever your family culture may be, the standard American culture is, after you graduate and get a full-time job, you might live at home for awhile until you save some money, but then you do get your own apartment. At age 29, you are way overdue. This loneliness may be God’s way of nudging you to get out of your comfort zone and take the next step.

You don’t know everybody’s personal family situation. I’m 27 and lived at home during grad school and my mom’s illness, and still am at home after my mom’s death. According to our “standard American culture”, something’s probably “wrong” with me. My friend’s brother and sister in law live with her whole family and have no plans to move. They’re Chinese, but have been in America since the early 90s. So, they should move out too because they should follow American culture, as should my 28 year old friend and her older sister.

I don’t mean to be rude, but family support is very important for some people. It is for me and I know it is for my friend’s family. My mom was always my best friend, and I know I did the right thing in staying at home, esp while she was sick. The American notion of independence is not always a good thing. If the OP left his parents’ home, he might become even lonelier.

 

[cgirl4ever]

Hi.

I’m hoping you could help me here with some advice. Here goes:

I’m 29 and find myself completely isolated in life. I go to work and have great friends at work who are very supportive and helpful and great company. I value their friendship.

But I don’t see them outside of work. They like to go out drinking heavily and to nightclubs, which is not my scene. But I enjoy their company at work and I’m well liked by them. It’s fun trying to model being a Catholic to them.

But when I return home at night, I return to my parents and as a general rule, I don’t have much other company. So over Christmas, apart from my small family, I saw no one. I received no phone calls or texts or emails from friends. It’s as if I’m invisible Apart from Christmas cards from family, I got 2 this year and they were from friends in work. .

The thing is I do have Catholic “friends” who I see every week at Church. But they are very cliquey and never invite me anywhere, whether it is out for coffee or lunch etc. They are happy to just carry on in their own group. When some friends got married recently, they cut me out of their life and I never see them (I know its not intentional, just the situation in life, but it still hurts).

I was away on a Mission trip in the summer and made friends there. But people there were already in a friendship group and didnt include me after the trip.

I’ve also left messages for friends on their Myspace sites but they dont leave me replies.

My basic problems are:

1. Although I’m liked and respected, no one seems to think it would be good to involve me or ask me for coffee etc. Its as if Im the invisible man or perceived as the nice ordinary man who is ok to chat with from time to time but who would never think of asking out for lunch etc.
2. The people I meet already have strong friendship groups, and they dont see any need to involve me or include me. (I know its not intentional from them or conscious - they just are not thinking).

When I go out for concerts or dinners or the cinema, it’s always with my parents coz Ive noone else to go with. It’s embarssing.

I saw 14 -15 friends at a dinner party before Christmas. I chatting away with people and also briefly with a young Catholic lady I really like, but again they were in their own social groups and left together with a polite good-bye to me.

I have a get-to-goether at a friends house next week with probably over 10-12 people going, but it feels pointless. I will go, enjoy it, but then not see the people for a long time.

There’s a line in the Lake House film where the main character Kate says “Everytime I stop to take a breath, I realize how isolated I’ve let myself become”. I dont know how I’ve got this way, but I do know that its really scary. I would make 3 final points:

1. I’m not bitter about any of this, im just sad and scratching my head about what to do with it. I do try and make an effort, dress well, be polite friendly etc and I think people enjoy my company at the time. Its really weird that my non-Christian work friends invite me out to clubs and pubs, but my Catholic friends never involve me. The only contact I usually get from them is if I am able to help with something eg. a lift somewhere.
2. I also long for a wife and in the last year, there have been two relationships which were ended not by me and again I wonder why. I cant seem to get Catholic women to notice me and it hurts me that married life is nowhere on the horizon at the moment.
3. Loneliness is my cross at the moment and it constantly leads me to feelings of despair and even a prayer to God wishing that I had never been born. As I wrote earlier, I feel like the invisible man.

So what do you all think?

I can relate to how you feel. It’s hard I know. It’s sad that your catholic friends only talk to you when they need something that is not being a real christian(although i must say i am guilty of that). Maybe try to invite your work friends out to eat at a restaurant or something so that you don’t have to go to a night club and party. See if they’ll just hang out with you without getting completely smashed. Try letting the church people know how you feel. You can’t keep everything bottled up inside of you.
As far as the marriage thing goes i am sure that God has someone for you . Give this time to the Lord and he will help and confort you with his love,gudience, and wisdom.

:harp:

 

[Magicsilence]

As I wrote earlier, I feel like the invisible man.

So what do you all think?

Who said that?

Just kidding.

You still have your parents, and Jesus, and Mary, and the Lord.

My experience is that ‘friends’ tend to let you down, so my problem is keeping them at bay :knight2:. Now, I’m pretty much a social letdown most of the time, , but I love it , because in the end, vanity of vanity, all is vanity :yup:

But, if you actually want people to be around (more extrovert in nature), then you need to start *doing *things.

Have you ever thought about how people view you?

“Such a great guy, but he didn’t ask us round or out”

Learn some confidence, and swallow any pride, and ask people if they fancy going for a coffee.

No-one would refuse point blank, and from their responses and subsequent coffee trip its easy enough to gauge if they are the type of people you want to be around.

And keep praying for strength, I used to get mildly bullied when I was younger (nothing too bad, but social confusion can be really upsetting for a teenager), and feeling isolated and lonely can be a dark place that only one light can illuminate, and you know who that is

In Jesus Christ,

 

[ishii]

FanofB16: You described my predicament when I was in my 20’s. Just curious, why don’t you go out with some co-workers to the pub? You don’t have to drink eight pints, just have one or two and enjoy their company. I am sure you would have fun. Sometimes we don’t get presented with opportunities to interact with others socially on our own terms, but have to take advantage of them when they arise (such as with your co-workers). Maybe they would benefit from your company too. I am not suggesting you follow your co-workers into the strip joint or get sotting drunk with them, but why not have some fun with them (within reason). Finally, when I was about twenty four or so and pretty much stuck in the same old job and really lonely, I struck out on my own and moved overseas to work. I found my self with a lot of new friends who were all in the same position- being in a foreign country - not as many cliques- and had a lot of fun. Perhaps you need a change. Hope this helps. Ishii

 

[chevalier]

Hmm… If you can meet people, do. If you enjoy their company, take them out with you. If you initiate such contacts, you’ll gain some respect and perhaps display or hone some leadership abilities. Can’t go wrong with that. If you can’t be satisfied by the company of people you hang out with, perhaps it’s time to find some company you more agree with. If you have a good job that pays well, that’s a huge advantage because you can afford the coffee or the beer or even a dinner with candles should it come to it.

Master Yoda said, “don’t try, do” (the fact I’m quoting Master Yoda in a Catholic forum is probably a huge part of the explanation of why I’m single myself ). Sometimes I find that not reading up on the theory, not consulting with people, not examining the possibilities, but actually doing something is the best way, well, to do it. Perhaps it’s time to focus on getting things done. Until you try, you won’t know how easy it is to do some difficult things.

I’d hazard a guess that you prefer to stay alone from people for extended periods of time, although you don’t like being completely cut off? Living with one’s family isn’t bad for that - you can always find some room and at the same time you can always find some people. The problem (one I’m also facing) is that if you don’t spend time socialising, you won’t really find people. Without exposing yourself to such interactions with people that will make you regret the time wasted, you won’t too many interactions which are valuable and make you regret the time wasted… …on other things, hehe. You can always reduce the former exposure by going to the right places and I think you’ve got some good advice from people on that one.