Need advice on feeling isolated and lonely

[Indyann]

I saw 14 -15 friends at a dinner party before Christmas. I chatting away with people and also briefly with a young Catholic lady I really like, but again they were in their own social groups and left together with a polite good-bye to me.

So what do you all think?

Why did you not ask the “young Catholic lady”
for her phone number?

Worst case scenario, she says “no”.

 

[Bubble]

1. I think you should try this: be the “inviter” for a change. Instead of waiting for people to invite you somewhere, you invite them somewhere, such as to a concert or show or movie; or to your place for the “big game,” or some guy movie, or to play a board game or poker. Or go out with a group to eat breakfast eggs and coffee at the local restaurant. Two things that could come out of it are: you might actually have so much fun that the group agrees to do it again; and people will hopefully reciprocate – when they host a future party or gathering they invite you in return.

I ditto this.

But, I don’t ditto suggestion #1. I don’t think that it’s all that important to move out of your parents house. In fact, if you get along with your parents and enjoy their company, it would be a stupid thing to do. You want to get married down the road. Take advantage of living at home and save, save, SAVE! Your future wife will appreciate it when it comes to buying your first house and starting a family.

Marriage has it’s good points, but as someone who got married in her 30’s, I can tell you that there are a lot of perks to being single. Appreciate it. That special someone is out there waiting for you. Keep looking. Don’t be embaressed to try dating services. You don’t have to join a Catholic dating service. Find a local one and specify on your bio that your Catholic and looking for a Catholic woman.

 

[jimmy2010]

FanofB16,

I think I’ve trumped you by a few years, I’m 34. I feel very isolated and lonely as well. I crave for someone to hold, someone I can talk to but right now, it’s between Jesus and me only.

I’m able to get many friends by joining clubs at work. One club I recommend you join is the Toastmasters club. It will help you with your speaking skills and open you up for leadership roles… so you can actively persue a life you want, instead of waiting for it to land on you. I’m currently going through it… and I’m a little bit more talkable now than before.

Good luck to you!
JL

 

[hasikelee]

Wow, it feels nice to see I’m not the only one feeling lonely and disconnected.

All my coworkers drink and smoke and party several times a week. I just see so much emptiness (and expense, and health problems) to those behaviors that I never join them. I am also very sensitive to smoke so it’s not as if I can go out and just hang out.

My Catholic friends that I do know are either very involved in church work (such as choir, missions and volunteering) or they are married and very busy with kids.

sigh

I met this super fun, Catholic and energetic family with 4 girls all close to my age. We hung out a few times. They are all married and have a couple kids, but made time to hang out. No smoking or drinking. Unfortunately their brother made the moves on me which was very awkward so I don’t see them much anymore. lol.

 

[cgirl4ever]

Wow, it feels nice to see I’m not the only one feeling lonely and disconnected.

All my coworkers drink and smoke and party several times a week. I just see so much emptiness (and expense, and health problems) to those behaviors that I never join them. I am also very sensitive to smoke so it’s not as if I can go out and just hang out.

My Catholic friends that I do know are either very involved in church work (such as choir, missions and volunteering) or they are married and very busy with kids.

sigh

I met this super fun, Catholic and energetic family with 4 girls all close to my age. We hung out a few times. They are all married and have a couple kids, but made time to hang out. No smoking or drinking. Unfortunately their brother made the moves on me which was very awkward so I don’t see them much anymore. lol.

I’m glad to hear that you don’t get into that stuff. It’s bad for you. Good for you that you got some great catholic friends. I think it is important to have people around you who respect your faith and don’t agree and people who do agree and live the same faith.

 

[tmango]

Hi Fano…first, I would like to offer my friendship as an email buddy, if you so desire. I am 55, much older, but not so much wiser, although I do understand where you are coming from.

One thing I did notice in reading all these replies is that you already have a good number of people with the same concerns. None of you are alone, and I think many of you are on the right path by not conforming to the ways of the world that end up being destructive to your spiritual life. I am so happy to see young people living their faith, no matter what the outside pressures are.

I do not see living with your parents as an issue. I think of my cousins in Italy that still live with mom and dad. If fact, all the kids, now having their own kids, live in the same multi-family house, or next door. Family is their priority. They live, eat, and pray together. I think my age is showing.

You might want to consider talking with your priest for guidance and getting involved in groups with similar beliefs. I am sure your priest can point you in the right direction. Many have suggested getting involved in service to others. This is a good idea for everyone. No one is exempt from that bit of advice. As Jesus said, “I have come here to serve.” What a different world this would be if we all did as He did. You may even meet the woman waiting for you in this service. God has a plan for you, all you need do is keep an open mind and listen for His whisper. It will all come together.

Lastly, the biggest suggestion I can offer is trust. Trust in the Lord to lead you in this life. Worry not, for He will take care of your every need. I speak from my own personal experience. Just trust in Him, and give all your worries to Him. He will carry them for you. Your worrying about tomorrow not only is a waste of time, it will distract you from His whispering. When you feel worried about a matter just say to yourself, “Jesus, I trust in you,” and lay that worry down.

I place you and others here with similar circumstances in the Immacualte Heart of Mary, in Her garden, for guidance and protection.

 

[crenfro]

I read your post, and here are some of my reactions…please use or discard as you prefer:

Sometimes I think the media portrays people in a certain way and it makes us feel guilty if we don’t measure up to what the media projects.

Be careful what you wish for, you might get it…

What are your hobbies, dreams, etc. for your life? Ever tried getting even more immersed in them during your spare time?

Watch that movie “Ground Hog Day” for ideas, suggestions…

Enjoy each day for what it brings…

Listen to your own heart, and ask your spiritual director to help you discern whatever directions you need to take, if any or not…

Discuss your loneliness and feelings of isolation with God, Mother Mary and the saints… and look for their answers…

Also, I think it’s selfish and reprehensible that other Catholics have cliques. There’s no excuse for that and I think, just my opinion, that that’s a factor in why there’s trouble within the Catholic church these days.

Also, in the future, remember this difficulty of yours so that you won’t repeat the same behaviors of others which have caused you feelings of rejection from other Catholics.

and leave all your troubles in God’s hands whenever you can’t handle them…in His time, you’ll get answers…

and keep fighting the good fight!

 

[johnnydigit]

i feel your pain. pray for your “friends” because they don’t sound like good, Catholic friends you would want as friends anyways.

do what has been mentioned, give your loneliness to God. serve, serve, serve! do more in the Church. find more groups and communities, bible study groups, young adult retreats and conferences. find a spirituality you like, and learn about it and do it. serve serve serve, learn learn learn, read, talk, network.

and the most important thing, imo - visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. go to adoration especially when you feel the most down. it has helped me immensely, especially when i lost my father. who knows, you might even meet someone there! don’t scoff, God can do it - trust me, i know personally!

Well, first of all, might I ask why you’re still living with your parents at 29 years old? Not that that’s a bad thing, but maybe part of the “turn-off” for some people is thinking that there may be something “wrong” (for lack of a better word) with a grown man, gainfully employed and educated and well-dressed, who’s still living with his folks.

don’t be discouraged by your age and living at home. everyone is different and has different circumstances. i’m 29 also and i don’t mind it at all. others can scoff all they want, but i know who i am and why i’ve gotten here, no one else does. of course twosweetgirls has a reasonable point, but it doesn’t apply to me personally, or you, or everyone necessarily. so pray and talk to God about it before worrying about other peoples’ opinions.

btw, ever thought about religious life or the priesthood? i am…

 

[johnnydigit]

I just heard a talk at an Advent retreat given by a Catholic layman in parish leadership, who addressed this very issue. His point was the solution to this situation is to serve, find someone to serve, find an agency to volunteer with, a neighbor who needs assistance, but serve. He went on to say that the answer to spiritual malaise, “I am not being fed, or I am not getting anything out of Mass/prayer/devotions” is to serve. The solution to conflicts in marriage and family is to serve. He gave a lot of quotes from saints and good Christian writers, which I don’t remember, but the message seems very sound to me.

just to re-emphasize such important advice, Fr. Groeschel mentioned in his book that serving the poor can be one of the most single effective things to do to combat vices and whatever emotional/psychological/trying things you may be going through.

SERVE! everyone, go out there and SERVE for the LORD! lay down your life for your neighbor. it’s the cure-all and all the cool kids are doing it!

 

[cheeto1]

Everyone is always glad to fill up your time for you
with what they think you should do. God knows what you need,
but do you know what God needs? Ask Him what He needs
from you right now, while you have time. If you follow the
message you get, you will be happy.

 

[Conservative]

Dear Fan:
I’m “a bit” older than you - and female - but I hope you will accept this lengthy piece of advice from the proverbial “old-fashioned girl-next-door” Catholic. Been there. Done that. Big time.

Like yourself - I’m not or never was part of the drinking scene - so after-hours at bars, etc. was not for me. I never used foul language, but some of the women spoke like sailors - apologizing in front of me (so I guess I was giving the “Catholic” example without realizing - just like yourself.)

I lived with my mother all my life until she died last year - and at times, in earlier years, I resented the situation highly, as I watched others “get ahead” (or so I thought) in marriage, careers, etc. Family members made me feel there was something abnormal about my living at home, even blaming my mother - while I prayed to find the right man and start a family. That dream did not happen - but while everyone blamed Mom, no one knew that she encouraged me when I was dating the right guys (few and far between), and I opted to break up. She didn’t want to be alone but she also wanted to see me settled.

As a traditional Catholic, it was also hard for me - in today’s world. I refused to compromise my Catholic ideals for today’s/society’s way of life. I hoped I’d find someone of my beliefs but found the traditional circle to be even smaller. A fellow Churchgoer would point out those who were also looking (some who I secretly had my eye on) or priests officiating at functions would encourage us to mingle - but they were never receptive but sometimes cliqueish, and like yourself - I wondered what was wrong with me. I began to attend fewer functions (weddings, etc.) since I felt uncomfortable going everywhere with my Mom but without a date. Society can be cruel. Now - I’d give up all the dates I had just to have my Mom alive again. Funny how life is.

I tried many circles - in and out of my league - but it never happened for me - perhaps by God’s Plan, since I ended up Mom’s caregiver during her last years. Then, my father needed help (in another location), and guess-who (me) was “it” again - until my Dad passed away last week. There was nothing wrong with me - or with you. I’m thinking that, like myself, you’re just one of the “nicer ones” who just plain isn’t appreciated out there. There’s gold nugget that isn’t recognized until it’s mined and uncovered - and then there’s “fool’s gold” - not real gold at all.

This is the Voice of Experience talking.
That doesn’t mean it won’t happen. You’re only 29 - and you have no idea how young that is.

And if not having a date or being popular in social circles is making you despair - that’s a red flag - devil red - the evil making you put the wrong things first.

There are no rules to the Dating Game - or the Acceptance Game. People can be cruel or unthinking. But you must project yourself. And yes, I know - I’ve been to those affairs where you’re all spit-and-polished, a guy approaches you, you smile - and as you’re ready to say “Hi”, they assess you - and walk away. “Meat Markets” are kinder - the animals are dead by then. We’re alive and have feelings - and there’s nothing wrong with us - it’s the discourtesy of others.

Nothing wrong with living with your parents, although many will tell you otherwise. Let the world make you think it’s not the normal thing to do - and THEN you give THEM the score. Once married, it’s different. Let’s say you get your own apartment and still find yourself alone! Will you despair alone without family to come home to? There’s no predicting. And no guarantee that living on your own is the answer to a full social life or finding a mate. And then - you may wish you were back with family - but pride will keep you from returning.

If your current circle of friends don’t include you, I’d do something daring (that I’d never done before) - Don’t be on the defensive - but rather - CONFRONT them - nicely - asking is there any reason why they didn’t include you in whatever group activity they’d just had. Let them explain why. Put them on the defensive. Sorry, but I’ve been hurt enough by friends - even of late - to learn you have to speak up.

Keep trying to meet others - new circles of friends - And what makes you think it has to be a Catholic? You could be limiting yourself. Don’t sell your religion out - but you may meet a fine non-Catholic woman - who may later convert to Catholicism if you hit it off. Maybe that’s what God has in store. You don’t know.

Sorry for running on - but I’ve been in the same boat, and I know the score. Let God be your matchmaker - if He so designs - but please don’t despair.

 

[wjp984]

I totally understand what you mean. I am in law school and since I am in the top of my class my life is my studying and I practically live either in the library, the classroom or in my bed sleeping. No time for anything else and while I know all my classmates and will go to some stuff if I have any time once in a while. I just don’t feel included much either but this probably is largely since people know that my life is school. People that go out don’t doe nearly as well as me in law school. However, the way I feel is partly my fault due to anxiety issues since I always think I mess everything up and that everyone hates me or that the worst case scenario happened as I have anxiety issues. Perhaps you might have some anxiety issues yourself. While, I am currently living in the past missing my Newman Center and all my friends there, here is what I did in undergrad…

I felt this same way but I started taking charge and getting really involved with my Newman Center and planning any events I could and therefore running things as president of the club since I was willing to devote any of my time as necessary to it. Since I was the one helping to plan events I of course had to be at them and therefore I always had somewhere to be. Being president of the club kind of resulted in making friends and being included especially since I would have to meet all the incoming students.

This year, however, while I am having a much harder time and choose to basically devote my life for the sake of school. Even so, I still am trying to get to mass more often as I never used to go to daily mass. I’ll get more involved spiritually and when there is an event going on with a church group or one thing a gourp from my school does is pray in front of the Planned Parenthood on Saturdays, I’ll try to make it to this. While it might take longer for me to feel included due to my anxiety issues and other things, at least I feel as though I’m doing good things and eventually things will work out. I think the key thing to remember is serving others really is the way to go. I am not good at doing this myself yet but if I ever can stop worrying about what I think everyone else wants me to do or how I better be some big time lawyer with a lot of money since other people think I should or something like that since I have the grades and better be rewarded for all this hard work, then I’ll probably be happier and better off but I still have time to think about it.

Oh most importantly, God is always with us so just continue to get involved any way you can and find ways to serve God and keep yourself busy. In my opinon, friends and being included just comes with that and even if it doesn’t you are helping others and people will appreciate it.

 

[Joey1976]

To Fan,
I am in the same boat. 31 and living at home, not by choice, but because i went back to school for a second degree and am now searching for work. Just know that you are not alone. There are many of us out there. Most of my friends are married, so i am alone also. But i do not feel as lonely as you or isolated. I guess it just doesn’t bother me that much because I try and get out of the house as much as possible. I just go anywhere where there is people to not feel lonely or shut in the house all the time. I will go to Starbucks or Borders Books and get a drink and read the paper or a book. I go to Einstein Bagels in the morning for a bagel and some coffee and read the paper. After awhile you get to be a “regular” at these types of places and you see other “regulars” there too. It seems we all have a bond cause we see each other regularly. Now, i am not all buddy buddy with these people but we say hi every once in a awhile and sometimes have conversations. By going to these places you also get to know the people that work there also and in these types of settings the workers are usually very friendly and and very open to talk to you. I actually have a good friend now that i met just by going to a Starbucks. I also try to get out of the house by going to the gym. I know this may not be for you but i go to a local bar by myself too, it is a small type pizza place/bar and i go to have a couple of drinks and watch sports on the tv’s there. I get to know the regulars there too and the bartenders. And they are very good people, not all people that go to bars or work there are wild and crazy. But anyways, my point is to get out of the house as much as possible and it makes things better, at least for me.