Need advice on saving my marriage

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sb32

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Hello,

I stumbled upon this forum and figured I had nothing to lose by posting and seeing what advice I might get. I’ll try to be brief.

I’ve been married 5 years to a wonderful woman. We have 2 kids (2 and 6 mos). I also have a 13 yr old daughter who lives with us. Here’s the problem: I haven’t always treated her like the wonderful woman she is, and frankly my behavior towards her (yelling) bordered on the abusive. I finally woke up about 4 months ago when she said she was thinking of leaving. I started seeing a counselor about my anger issues, and I’ve made really good progress. I feel a genuine change in my heart, and even my wife has commented several times, especially in the last few weeks, that she’s been surprised as to how I’ve reacted in certain situations. Additionally, her best friend commented to her that when she spoke to me on the phone the other day, my voice had a kindness to it that she had never heard before.

Unfortunately (but completely understandably), my wife doesn’t trust me, and is still leaning towards a divorce. She’s afraid that something will happen 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years from now, etc. and I’ll blow up and she doesn’t want to ever experience that again.

I feel horrible about the way I’ve treated her and I am completely devastated that I may not be married to her anymore and won’t be with my children. Can anyone give me some advice as to how I can regain her trust? I’d also appreciate your prayers–that my heart has been genuinely changed and that she can forgive me. Thank you so much.
 
www.retrouvaille.org Retrouvaille is a program for troubled marriages that teaches you new ways of communicating with each other. It has a very high success rate. It is not group therapy, it is not counseling, it is a time for the two of you to reconnect with each other and learn how to really communicate at the deepest level. I know it works, because it saved my marriage. I’ll pray for you. www.retrouvaille.org
 
I will pray for your marriage.
Sometimes it takes people a while to mature into their lives and relationships.
Please God you will be given the chance to prove that you have. God bless you and your family, Trishie
 
It sounds like you are doing all you can do. Trust can be lost, but it can be recaptured albeit sometimes after much difficulty.

You have to work on this everyday, and demonstrate by the way you live you life you can be trusted not to blow up. I tend to go go by what people do, as opposed to what they say. Perhaps the doing will be enough to convince you are worthy.

I’ve had people fail me in various ways. Some I was able to get past, some I couldn’t, or didn’t want to.

I don’t know which camp your wife may fall in, and I have no advice, other than what you are doing. I have no words that will instantly bring her back to you. Always remember, actions have consequences.
 
World-Wide Marriage Encounter saved us. www.wwme.org Retrovaille, which was suggested earlier, might be called industrial-strength marriage encounter, and may be the better choice, but you can decide.

Mostly you have to keep doing the deal. 16 years ago God whacked me in the head and made it pretty clear that it was neccesary for me to stop drinking, as a result I had to change. Change takes a while, and it takes a while for people to believe that it will “take.” Thankfully I was not married when I first got sober, but I have seen literally hundreds of guys walk into AA and say “I’m quitting drinking, which is all she ever wanted, how long before we’re like newlyweds again?” My answer is always “About ten times longer than you expect.”

Don’t get better for her (or even worse “at her” if you know what I mean.) Do it because being abusive and unloving is not what God wants for you. Get better because it’s right, not for what’s in it for you. Remember, even if she leaves you, God calls you to love her, and as a Catholic, she’s still your wife. You are called to help get her to heaven.

Remember you broke this - it’s up to you to fix it. If you are looking for a two-way street, look elsewhere. Sometime around when you are behaving as a Christian husband because you want to, instead of because you are “supposed to” is when she will start to believe that you might be for real.

She will not believe that you have been suddenly struck by the Holy Spirit and become the perfect husband because you haven’t. You need the sacraments, prayer, the fellowship of like-minded men, and communication with her. Keep in mind that you need to get better, not show her that you are better. Take the steps to get better, that is what the Church is for - it’s a hospital for sinners. She will see you trying to get better, and believe that getting better matters to you, if she sees you invest time and effort into it.

Give her permission to hold you accountable. Ask her to help you by pointing out when your behavior is hurting your relationship. Honor this. If you don’t or can’t, then you’re doing more harm than good. When she calls you on it, thank her first. Then ask for forgiveness. ( Not just “I’m sorry” but " Will you forgive me?" the difference is huge.)

Pray every morning that you will be a good husband and that you will not snap back at her if she points out harmful behavior. I suggest you put your shoes under the bed when you retire at night. Then, when you awake you will have to get down on your knees to retrieve them in the morning. At this point you are in the proper posture to ask God to take charge you the day for you.

Don’t worry so much about saving your marriage as much as giving her a marriage that she will want to save. She deserves one.
 
I thank everyone who posted something. Just to respond to some of what was posted…I want to make this change in myself, not just to save my marriage, but because I’m tired of being the person I had become. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life like that, regardless of what happens to my marriage. As one of you posted, that’s not what God wants, and I can trace my problems to not putting God first in my life. I know my actions may be too much for her to overcome, and I’ve taken full responsibility for them–I don’t blame her at all for where we are. I also know this is not a 2-way street. She frankly owes me nothing. All I’m really asking her for is time. Time to prove I’m sincere and the change is genuine.

I pray continuously that God will change me–I’ve been doing so for years, before my wife told me where she stood. I went to Reconciliation, asking for forgiveness and help, but it seemed to be to no avail. I recently realized He had answered my prayers–he gave me the self-awareness that what I was doing was wrong. I was just too prideful to go get help.

If my wife somehow winds up reading this, I am truly sorry for what I’ve done to you.

Again, I appreciate what everyone has posted and for your prayers. I’m open to any other advice anyone might have.
 
I saw that you commented on my post. I am sorry to hear that anybody else is going through what my husband and I are going through.

As a Catholic, I tried very hard to defer to faith in my marriage. Pray and Pray and Pray. I tried to talk to my husband, tried to “love” him into loving me, tried to play tough love with him. I tried many different ways to let him know that I desperately wanted our family, him. He basically rejected me with defensiveness, with blame. When I told him I had different needs that I needed him to help me with - tenderness, affection, etc… I felt rejected except for on occassions when then I was expected to “notice”. Now, he is acting very wonderful but everything is “I hope you noticed (blah blah blah)” Or he says “This has to make a difference doesnt it?” And I have become so accustomed to trying to make sure I don’t dissapoint or let him down that I lie.

To add to the problem, I have done things since deciding to leave, financially, and with my job, that would be unacceptable to him in our marriage. Even if I were to change my mind and try again, he would likely explode when he realizes this and ask me to leave, and then it would be too late.

Sometimes, it’s just too late. Sometimes people just lose faith. After years of begging God for a suggestion, begging him to show you how to love better or bigger to get it in return, it just doesnt happen. And then sometimes you just want a better life. If she is feeling like this, there might not be anything you can do. Because if she is broken to the point of losing faith in God, how will she have faith in you? Pray for her to have faith in the loving care of God, and pray that she will recognize it when you model your unconditional love for her after the love that Jesus has for you. Have faith that His love for you is real and that even if the worst happens, with your faith, He will guide you and heal you and help you find the love that you deserve as a new man.

If I could speak to my husband, without dreading the pain it would cause him (selfishly avoiding it) this is what i would tell him.
 
I was in a worse situation than yourself unfortunately and she just left me without much notice. I was devistated. You are on the right path. You are human and if you are sincere in your trying to get help then no one can ask for more. We all have reasons for what we do in life good and bad and sometimes it is a physical problem and sometimes its a psychological problem. I did not feel I had a problem until she left and that is when I got help. But you have found out before and you are working on yourself. You cannot control your wife. You can only work on yourself and be the best person you can be and hopefully she will see who you really are. I know this is a very difficult time but you are worse off trying to convince her all the time that you are a new person. You have to be that new person and if that is not good enough for her then maybe you are not the only one with an issue. Live your life as a good person and life will have its rewards. They may not be visible now but they will show up. I hope this helps.
sb32 said:
Hello,

I stumbled upon this forum and figured I had nothing to lose by posting and seeing what advice I might get. I’ll try to be brief.

I’ve been married 5 years to a wonderful woman. We have 2 kids (2 and 6 mos). I also have a 13 yr old daughter who lives with us. Here’s the problem: I haven’t always treated her like the wonderful woman she is, and frankly my behavior towards her (yelling) bordered on the abusive. I finally woke up about 4 months ago when she said she was thinking of leaving. I started seeing a counselor about my anger issues, and I’ve made really good progress. I feel a genuine change in my heart, and even my wife has commented several times, especially in the last few weeks, that she’s been surprised as to how I’ve reacted in certain situations. Additionally, her best friend commented to her that when she spoke to me on the phone the other day, my voice had a kindness to it that she had never heard before.

Unfortunately (but completely understandably), my wife doesn’t trust me, and is still leaning towards a divorce. She’s afraid that something will happen 6 months from now, a year from now, 5 years from now, etc. and I’ll blow up and she doesn’t want to ever experience that again.

I feel horrible about the way I’ve treated her and I am completely devastated that I may not be married to her anymore and won’t be with my children. Can anyone give me some advice as to how I can regain her trust? I’d also appreciate your prayers–that my heart has been genuinely changed and that she can forgive me. Thank you so much.
Click to expand...
 
If she is willing, set aside a time to pray the Rosary together.

What I love about it is that it creates a space where my husband and I are with each other, and turning toward God together.

It’s a bit hard to explain… it lines us up together, like two racehorses in the starting gate, pointing in the right direction, towards God.

Don’t expect miracles from it. But it could become 15 minutes of holy peace in your days, where you are together, doing something good.

Praying for you both,

Ruthie
 
I appreciate all these suggestions to pray together and all that. I need to find somebody someway that somehow I can get help for the fact that I am so angry and hurt and upset that I dont WANT to do things to make him feel better or get us to wehre he wants us. How do I heal for ME? For how I had to feel? WHen is it ok for me to say I can’t take it, can’t risk it?
. (this is sb32’s wife)
 
MetWife said:
I appreciate all these suggestions to pray together and all that. I need to find somebody someway that somehow I can get help for the fact that I am so angry and hurt and upset that I dont WANT to do things to make him feel better or get us to wehre he wants us. How do I heal for ME? For how I had to feel? WHen is it ok for me to say I can’t take it, can’t risk it?
. (this is sb32’s wife)
Click to expand...
www.retrouvaille.org

Really, it is worth one weekend out of your life to try. So many have been helped.
 
Dear sb32 and Wife:
From a divorced woman whose husband didn’t think he needed to change, didn’t pray, never realized how horrible he was or got sick of the man he had become, please hear me:

This isn’t only about you two.

Look at your children and ask yourself what you want to teach them in life about promises, vows and commitments. Because you will never be able to teach them that a vow on the altar of God has any meaning if you do not live it yourselves.

You think you are sad, disillusioned and hurting now? Wait till you call in the lawyers and start dismantling the home and security your children dwell in.

DON’T DO IT!!!

Get beyond yourselves. You two actually have something to work with. I see it in your letters. You MUST try. For your children and their souls.

If my ex had been willing to kneel and say one Rosary with me… had gone to Confession, had tried to pray…

Go to Retrouvaille. Find something to work with.

Start now. Each of you write three positive things about each other and exchange the cards.

You might find you have not lost all hope.

I can’t tell you what divorce does to destroy children. Let your love for them outweigh your disappointment in each other.

Like a bone that heals and is stronger in the broken place… find SOMETHING to work with.

I’m telling you, divorce is EVIL!
 
MetWife said:
…Pray for her to have faith in the loving care of God, and pray that she will recognize it when you model your unconditional love for her after the love that Jesus has for you. …
Click to expand...
Praying this for both of you. :gopray2:
 
Time, she just needs time and you being consistently different. I think she probably needs to know that your new behavior isn’t just a phase you’re working through that will wear off. Once trust is gone you have to understand that it can come back, but it takes time. If the two of you got married, the vows are for better or for worse, so she owes you another chance. The fact that you’ve made such a great positive change is nothing short of miraculous, IMO.

For the Mrs., I can understand how you’re feeling. Just remember your vows. What can you lose by giving him another chance? If you don’t, you’ve lost everything and the hurt and anger will only increase exponentially for you and your kids.
 
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