Need advice ... past issues resurfacing

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Ana

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Hello again. I usually only post here when I need advice, so here I am again.

A little background. I have been married for 11 yrs. We have four children that are homeschooled and I am an active member of my parish. BUT … I used to be a very troubled young woman, and have been raised form the mire so to speak. I was involved in the sex industry and drugs, though most of the people I know now would never guess …

Back when I was 18 or so, I was living with a man that was very NOT NICE. We’ll call him “lunatic”, or “L.” He was abusive and had serious mental problems. I managed to extricate myself from the relationship. Less than four months later, he shot a 16 yr old girl in the face at point blank range and was sentenced to prison. I never talked to him again, but he would send letters to my mom’s that I would ignore.

Two yrs later I was involved with another guy. he was not a lunatic, but he developed a heroin addiction and began committing crimes to support his habit. We’ll call him “dummy” or “D.” He was sentenced to jail for along time too. I didn’t talk to him anymore either.

These two men were from two different towns, never knew eachother, and committed there crimes a couple of years apart, but by someone up there with a sense of humor … ended up being cellmates!! :confused:

Fast forward almost twenty yrs, I hear from D’s sister that he is out and living in a faraway town. My mother gets a message on her answering machine from “L” that he is getting released this spring. Then another message a week ago, that he is out and wants me to call him.

I call him (the lunatic) from my husbands cell, cause I don’t want him to know mine and he needs to stop calling my parents. He acts like we are long lost lovers and says he wants to get together. I respond that I appreciate his concern for how I am doing but seeing him again is out of the question because I am married and my husband wouldn’t like it. (Nevermind he is a convicted murderer and has many sex offenses). He responds that he respects that, and I hang up the phone. Now I am scared. He has physically attacked me before, and though it was years ago … he doesn’t sound like he’s changed or repented. I am not able to go to the police. He hasn’t threatened me or anything. All he did was ask to get together.

Meanwhile, D sent me a message through his sister’s myspace forwarding some pics of his new baby. I didn’t mention it to my husband, cause it just didn’t seem like a big deal. He is not a lunatic. He was a guy that had a drug problem. So, as I am laying in bed the other night worried for my safety, and wondering if I should get a gun. I decide to email D and ask him if he thought I should be worried. He shared a cell with L for the last 7 yrs. I thought he could give me some insight on where L is coming from.

He mentioned in his reply email, that it would be too much to type and I should call him. he promised not to stalk me, but I know he wouldn’t anyway, he is not the type. He’s just a regular guy, NOT A LUNATIC like L. But now I find myself in the position of about o make a phone call to someon that my husband prolly doesn’t want me talking to about someone else my husband likes even less.

How did I get myself into this mess? HELP!!
 
I’d open up to your DH. He wants to protect you and you need to let him know 100% of what is going on here. Also, if you’re that concerned about L, I’d talk to the police. Finally, I don’t think you need to call D. Just because he wasn’t crazy 20 years ago, doesn’t mean he has the best of motives. All you need to know is “yes” or “no.”

I’m sorry you’re in such a scary position–but I honestly think that keeping all this to yourself and then furthering contact with both D and L isn’t the best thing. One more thing–don’t use your DH’s phone if you don’t want them to know your married name or address.
 
I think that you should tell your husband everything that you just told us. He will be able to help you and support you, and keeping things from him, especially in this context, will just make things complicated.

It’s weird that D wouldn’t just give you an answer in his e-mail. :hmmm: If we was really concerned for you, he would just give you an answer right away, yes or no like kevinsgirl said, instead of letting you wonder. It seems like he thinks this is a perfect opportunity to come back in your life, and you probably don’t want that to happen. :nope: And you never know maybe he became friends with L, so you might not want to take advice from him…
 
I agree with each reply, tell your Husband, if he is worth his weight in salt he will want to protect you, I am sure you have told him of your past he would be concerned for your safety too! You can go to the police, at least you can put them on alert even if you cant get a restraining order. DO NOT call either man that just gives them control. Make sure your parents dont talk to either man either! THey may need protection too if his is still as ill as he sounds!
 
Yes, and avoid anything having to do with him like the plague, including calling him or communicating in any way.
 
Yes, of course all of you are right. I don’t like to talk to my husband and parents about it cause I feel bad. Even though it was a long time ago, if I wouldn’t have been running with these type of people, none of this would be happening. My parents are oder and don’t need the stress, and I HATE to feel that the security of my family has been jeopordized because of me.😦 My husband has been talking about me getting a gun, I don’t want to freak him out more by letting him know I am scared.

I didn’t think about that he would get my last name and my husbands name from my husbands cell. :doh2:

I really don’t think alerting the police will do much good. He hasn’t done anything. Maybe I am worrying for nothing?
 
Ana said:
I really don’t think alerting the police will do much good. He hasn’t done anything. Maybe I am worrying for nothing?
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I’m a big believer in trusting your instinct. If something didn’t feel right about the conversation (as evidenced by the fact that when you hung up with L you felt scared) then I think you need to go by that.

If I were you I would call the local police station and explain to them that an ex convict you used to know has been contacting you and your family and that although he hasn’t been threatening you at all, you’re still concerned about what to do. They will let you know what rights you have, with regards to restraining orders and the like. They can advise you on next steps and may be able to provide you with some peace of mind.

I think if you’re at the point where you’re seriously considering getting a gun to protect your family then you’re in way over your head. You need to let the police help you.
 
Ana said:
Yes, of course all of you are right. I don’t like to talk to my husband and parents about it cause I feel bad. Even though it was a long time ago, if I wouldn’t have been running with these type of people, none of this would be happening. My parents are oder and don’t need the stress, and I HATE to feel that the security of my family has been jeopordized because of me.😦 My husband has been talking about me getting a gun, I don’t want to freak him out more by letting him know I am scared.

I didn’t think about that he would get my last name and my husbands name from my husbands cell. :doh2:

I really don’t think alerting the police will do much good. He hasn’t done anything. Maybe I am worrying for nothing?
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If he is a lunatic, I’d say better be safe than sorry. It’s better to worry for nothing than regret not doing anything. Do what you can to protect your family. 👍

It’s not a good idea to call either of them back, but if for some reason you do, remember to use a public pay phone. However, I think you should be calling the police first.
 
First, tell your husband everything! He can’t help you if he doesn’t know. You can’t change what happened in the past any more than you already have by leaving it behind. (By the way, CONGRATS on moving past that! 👍)

Second, DO call the police. They may not be able to do anything right now, but they’ll file a report. That way if L starts to harrass you, you’ve already started the process toward getting a restraining order. Hopefully, this won’t be needed, but it’s better to be safe than sorry!

Finally, DON’T talk to either man again, and tell your family to avoid their calls if they can too. Don’t do anything to encourage them.

Good luck!
 
I’m kind of curious as to why your mom keeps relaying his messages to you. If I were your mom and knew that this guy is a lunatic, I’d probably have blocked his number or called the police or something. Your first mistake was calling him back at all. Your second mistake was to call D about L. Cut off all contact, and yes, tell your husband everything! Then if that doesn’t work, get a restraining order. If L violates that, he’ll be back in jail where he can’t hurt you or your family.
 
nodito said:
I’m a big believer in trusting your instinct. If something didn’t feel right about the conversation (as evidenced by the fact that when you hung up with L you felt scared) then I think you need to go by that.
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mari319 said:
First, tell your husband everything! He can’t help you if he doesn’t know. You can’t change what happened in the past any more than you already have by leaving it behind. (By the way, CONGRATS on moving past that! 👍)

Second, DO call the police. They may not be able to do anything right now, but they’ll file a report. That way if L starts to harrass you, you’ve already started the process toward getting a restraining order. Hopefully, this won’t be needed, but it’s better to be safe than sorry!

Finally, DON’T talk to either man again, and tell your family to avoid their calls if they can too. Don’t do anything to encourage them.

Good luck!
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Yes, yes and yes.
 
SomeCatholicGuy said:
I’m kind of curious as to why your mom keeps relaying his messages to you. If I were your mom and knew that this guy is a lunatic, I’d probably have blocked his number or called the police or something. Your first mistake was calling him back at all. Your second mistake was to call D about L. Cut off all contact, and yes, tell your husband everything! Then if that doesn’t work, get a restraining order. If L violates that, he’ll be back in jail where he can’t hurt you or your family.
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The first time someone called for me and she answered but didn’t know who it was. She would not give out any information and just took a message. The caller did not give a name any of us know and because he had a VERY ghetto city accent, I knew it wasn’t anyone I knew and I just ignored it. The next time was about a week later, and this time he left his name as “L.” I think it was right for my mother to tell me he left a message. I didn’t even know he was out, and I can’t see what we would have gained by her not telling me.

But you are right, I should have just not called him back. But I didn’t want him calling my parents anymore. So, I talked to him myself. My husband knew cause he was right there next to me when I called him. Then we just kind of forgot about it. But I didn’t cause now I am a little scared. Maybe I should … just forget about it?
 
Tell your husband. Tell the police.

Change your email address. Change your phone numbers (including your mom). Get off of MySpace or FaceBook or whatever other public places these people can find you. Stop talking to D’s sister.
 
1ke said:
Tell your husband. Tell the police.

Change your email address. Change your phone numbers (including your mom). Get off of MySpace or FaceBook or whatever other public places these people can find you. Stop talking to D’s sister.
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I second this. Telling your husband is **very **important.

Good for you for turning your life around!!
 
Tell your husband. He’ll likely want to have the converstations with “D”.

You said “D” and “L” shared the same cell for 7 years. So he likely was in prison longer than that. Few people are blessed enough to come out of prison more sane than when they entered. Especially when sharing a cell with a murderer. So be very careful with D.
 
I would tell your husband, and the police.

They shouldn’t be contacting you. These actions might be violating their parole. The police might be able to contact their parole officers.

Get a restraining order if you believe it’s necessary.
 
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