need advice please

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MarieCortes

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Hello. I am in need of feedback for my difficult situation. My husband and I are getting a divorce and have talked with a priest who agrees we will get an annulment. His words were we should have not gotten married. I am not at this time going into that part. Right now, we still live in the same house.

He has reconnected with the women he really did love before me, but is also keeping it friends now.It was getting more serious but he put the brakes on. She lives in another state so it helps. I too have found somone who lives very close to me. I know what I am suppose to do and not suppose to do. The issue is that my husband who never cared about me before, helped me, or was concerned with being “head of household” has become obssessed with it now.

I know I should not have a relationship with another man right now. BUT,my soon to be ex harasses me daily. He calls me from work, when I am at work, checks my phone, verbally ambushes me whenever we are home toghether.Gets verbally abusive with name calling. I cant take it, it makes me want to move out and live with this other man. I havent made that step because I dont want to continue living in sin. I am just not doing things the way my ex wants me to.

He also wants to be with me sexually to help him with his “needs” and loneliness. It is awkard for both of us though. Again, I know what I need to do to be right with God. What I am frustrated with is my ex’s telling me what I am to do and making sure I do it. He says it is his duty and obligation until the annulment. But life is so stressful. Yes, I have been selfish with wanting companionship. Someone I enjoy being around. I have to choose. My ex needs to let me do that.

He can tell me what he thinks, tell me he is praying for me, but I dont like feeling like a prisoner. I wish I could move into my own place , but cant afford it right now. And there are children involved as well. There is so much more, but I will leave it here. Hopefully this isnt to hard to follow. Maybe someone has had a similiar situation. I am in huge spiritual battle. Please pray for me.
 
Go back to the priest that you and your ex have been dealing with.

You need some solid spiritual counseling and direction, much more than can be found here out in cyber land.

Sounds like you are trying to find viable and moral options. The priest should be able to help you find some resources in this.

Prayers.

And as a side note, I would suggest you make a vow of at least temporary celibacy for now. Sexual intimacy will only confuse everyone involved and muddle the more serious issues. Seriously. Sex has a tendency to do that with very unhealthy and unstable relationships.

Chose God and clarity. Not confusion and satan.
 
Move in with your parents, with your sister, or into a women/children’s shelter.

Ask your priest to help you find a low cost place to live. Get out of this situation, do not date or be romantic with another man.

You may or may not be in a valid marriage, even your priest cannot assure you of the validity, leave that to the tribunal. Get your kids to a safe place.

You will have many years to date after your kids grow up.
 
Now is not the time to be connecting in any way with another man. Nothing good ever comes from jumping from marriage into another relationship. It’s like going from the frying pan and into the fire, especially if your motivation is economic. You need some time on your own. Why don’t you have support issues ironed out yet? You or your husband should be out of the house.

His behavior is really pretty bad. You might want to consider a kick out order and restraining order. Are you working with an attorney?
 
dulcissima said:
Now is not the time to be connecting in any way with another man. Nothing good ever comes from jumping from marriage into another relationship. It’s like going from the frying pan and into the fire, especially if your motivation is economic. You need some time on your own. Why don’t you have support issues ironed out yet? You or your husband should be out of the house.

His behavior is really pretty bad. You might want to consider a kick out order and restraining order. Are you working with an attorney?
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No attorney. We are pursing an uncontested divorce. It is mutual. Not sure what you mean by support issues ironed out. And I cant or dont want to do anything with the law yet because of the children. He isnt abusive to them, though they do hear alot of what is going on.

I am just very confused right now about what to do. I appreciate the responses I have gotten thus far. Very enlightening.
 
kage_ar said:
Move in with your parents, with your sister, or into a women/children’s shelter.

Ask your priest to help you find a low cost place to live. Get out of this situation, do not date or be romantic with another man.

You may or may not be in a valid marriage, even your priest cannot assure you of the validity, leave that to the tribunal. Get your kids to a safe place.

You will have many years to date after your kids grow up.
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Thanks for the suggestions. None really apply to me unfortunately. As for the annulment. Besides many other things involved before our marriage. My husband was intoxicated when he said yes.

The main theme I see is to not have any relationship right now. I know this and am working on that. I just cant deal with how my husband is going about things.
 
Usually if divorce is filed, you should be able to separate and have child support and spousal support be paid. Your husband seems to have a rather jaw-dropping case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

It is very damaging to children to see their mother constantly belittled with name calling and put downs. In addition to pressuring you for sex, does he ever throw things, make threats, grab you or push you?
 
dulcissima said:
Usually if divorce is filed, you should be able to separate and have child support and spousal support be paid. Your husband seems to have a rather jaw-dropping case of wanting to have his cake and eat it too.

It is very damaging to children to see their mother constantly belittled with name calling and put downs. In addition to pressuring you for sex, does he ever throw things, make threats, grab you or push you?
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Yes, he wants everything to stay the same until he is free to move on. He has been physical before and I feel at times he wants to really hurt me but he doesnt. I feel though it is my fault.

And the financial part is complicated.
 
You need to consult a lawyer and start the divorce process, whether it’s going to be done through court or mediation. If the priest thinks there was no marriage to begin with, you shouldn’t be sleeping with your husband anyway, since you’re likely not married.
 
flyingfish said:
You need to consult a lawyer and start the divorce process, whether it’s going to be done through court or mediation. If the priest thinks there was no marriage to begin with, you shouldn’t be sleeping with your husband anyway, since you’re likely not married.
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I was wondering about that. I thought the way it goes is tjhat a marriage is assumed valid until proven otherwise. Even though the priest and whoever else says we fit the criteria for an annulment my husand and I do not sin being together.

I dont want to be with him, it is awkward because we dont love eachother. I would say in that sense, if it is purely physical then it could be wrong.
 
I have to get going to Mass, but wanted to leave you with a little bit of additional info. You need to get out as soon as possible. A domestic violence center is the best resource for you right now. Legally and financially they can assist you right away. His drinking and abuse are serious issues and should effect custody. You are going to need to get stuff on the record.

A mediated divorce with this personality type does not work. Period. I know too many women who have tried this just to have it go on for years of frustration. They hate you but can’t let go of you. You need to get away.

Praying for you. Off to Mass now.
 
MarieCortes said:
I was wondering about that. I thought the way it goes is tjhat a marriage is assumed valid until proven otherwise. Even though the priest and whoever else says we fit the criteria for an annulment my husand and I do not sin being together.

I dont want to be with him, it is awkward because we dont love eachother. I would say in that sense, if it is purely physical then it could be wrong.
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It’s not cut and dry, the valid until proven otherwise is meant more to address the issue of people remarrying without an annulment.

“Proven otherwise” means that when a group of educated people looks at your marriage and the relevant canon law and decides that the marriage never existed. If a priest who knows your situation told you that there is likely no marriage, and if you believe there is likely no marriage you have to follow your conscience. The marriage doesn’t become invalid because a group of people says so, it was either valid or invalid from the beginning, and the group of people simply helps to discern what it is. If you’re in an invalid marriage, then you’re not married even if you haven’t been officially told so.
 
dulcissima said:
It is very damaging to children to see their mother constantly belittled with name calling and put downs.
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Personal experience forces me to agree with this. My son was not abused, but witnessed the behavior of my ex-husband, which I tolerated. Silence presumes consent I believe, especially in the eyes of a child. One day, I got a call from his school saying my quiet, well-behaved 2nd grader had yelled at a teacher, right in her face. It brought other issues to light, too. We worked with the school counselor for several YEARS! These are not the sort of actions we want our children to imitate. You are all in my prayers.

My opinion also - get out!
 
MarieCortes said:
Yes, he wants everything to stay the same until he is free to move on. He has been physical before and I feel at times he wants to really hurt me but he doesnt. I feel though it is my fault.

And the financial part is complicated.
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Why do you think it is your fault?
 
Why do you think is your fault? … Good question. Many women think that it is their fault they have an abusive husband. Get out, deal with your guilt later.

Worry about the annulment later, first things first.

You don’t have to go to another man and put yourself in a new relationship when you have not cleared up the issues with the first.

It is not good for your children to have a chaotic environment. Go to a women’s shelter, ask the priest to help you find a place, talk to your children’s counsellor at school…seek solutions. It is easy to think in all the suggested solutions and come the conclusion that nothing is going to work. That is a trick of the mind which is capable or reasoning almost anything. Stop putting obstacles to yourself! There is help out there for women like yourself who love their children and their husband is unpredictable. Find that help and use it.

It is going to be a struggle. Nobody has said is going to be easy. It must be done. Financially, emotionally and in other ways. It is going to be hard, specially at the beginning.

Get out!
 
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