A
AKDee
Guest
(Apologies in advance for a long post and thank you in advance if you read it to the end.)
A year and a half ago, my mom cut me out of her life. She’s been systematically cutting people out of her life for a while, and most people think she’s got a mental issue of some type. She won’t go to a doctor, and my dad has his own issues (late stage pancreatic cancer) so he doesn’t want to intervene and I don’t blame him- my mom routinely does her best to make him miserable and it would be a no-win situation for him.
My mom’s reason for booting me out of her life is fictional. She says that all I do when I call is “tell her what to do and how to live her life”. This is untrue- my mom has always been a verbally abusive type A personality that everyone is submissive to. I have always been submissive to my mom. I don’t tell her what to do, and anyone who knows my mom would know better than to do that. The real issue, I believe, is that she had recently cut her cousin out of her life in a particularly cruel way, and she kept bringing it up in conversations with me and while I never criticized her, I also refused to validate what she did. I said what I thought was a very neutral, “Well, mom, I hope someday you two can reconcile.” That’s verbatim. That led to my mom stewing and becoming furious with me, and the very next time I spoke to her one week later, she cut me out of her life.
This has affected me both psychologically and physically. I’ve suffered anxiety and depression as a direct result of this unnatural estrangement (my mom and I were quite close prior to this) and my health has been suffering.
My dad told me last week that my mom had told him - after one of my Aunts tried to talk to her about her estrangement with me- that if I would call, she would talk to me. Not exactly a Hallmark moment, but yesterday I did call. And as I expected, she chose not to talk to me. Just as she has chosen not to respond to every other gesture I’ve initiated in the past year and a half. I have sent flowers, gifts, cards, even a letter asking for her forgiveness. I haven’t missed a single holiday- I’ve sent something for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas. When I talk to my Dad, I tell him to tell her I love her. I know sometimes she hears it, because my Dad has hearing problems so when he talks on the phone he turns the speaker on so he can hear it with both ears and she’s sitting right next to him so she can hear the whole conversation. She has made it a point to ignore me in return- It seems to be incredibly important to her to take every possible opportunity to hurt me. She even told me dad, who told me, that I’ve been cut out of the will. And while I don’t care about the money or property, I do care that she would make rejecting me her final act.
One of the greatest difficulties I have is that my religious beliefs as a Catholic make me feel like I have to keep trying. That if I decide to give up, that it’s somehow tantamount to not forgiving her or to trying to take revenge. Part of me wants to stop trying because every time I make a gesture and there is no response, it hurts me all over again. Part of me is afraid if I stop trying that the finality of the estrangement will cause me even more pain. And sometimes I am angry, because I’ve had a lot of stuff going on this past year for which I really needed my mother there for me- I’m getting married, my fiance’s father is dying, we’re moving, I’ve been very ill. And my mother is aware of all of this (I talk to my dad every week)- she just doesn’t care.
How do I find peace with all of this? What is the appropriate Catholic response? I pray all the time. I’ve asked for God to give me peace. I’ve asked God to help me forgive her and most of the time I feel I have, at least until the next time she hurts me, and I pray again for forgiveness. I’ve prayed to meet my mom where she’s at in her journey. I’ve prayed to see Jesus in her. And I can’t- I can’t see Jesus in her because Jesus isn’t cruel and my mom has become cruel. I give it over to Our Lady when I say my Rosary at night. I’ve prayed about it before the Blessed Sacrament. I try to offer it up. Nothing is changing, and I feel like I can’t keep taking these rejections. But I also know we as Catholics are supposed to bear wrongs patiently, and carry our crosses. I don’t know what to do. I’ve discussed this with people in more secular settings, but sometimes their responses to what they think I should do lack Christian charity. I need advice from fellow Catholics.
Thank you.
A year and a half ago, my mom cut me out of her life. She’s been systematically cutting people out of her life for a while, and most people think she’s got a mental issue of some type. She won’t go to a doctor, and my dad has his own issues (late stage pancreatic cancer) so he doesn’t want to intervene and I don’t blame him- my mom routinely does her best to make him miserable and it would be a no-win situation for him.
My mom’s reason for booting me out of her life is fictional. She says that all I do when I call is “tell her what to do and how to live her life”. This is untrue- my mom has always been a verbally abusive type A personality that everyone is submissive to. I have always been submissive to my mom. I don’t tell her what to do, and anyone who knows my mom would know better than to do that. The real issue, I believe, is that she had recently cut her cousin out of her life in a particularly cruel way, and she kept bringing it up in conversations with me and while I never criticized her, I also refused to validate what she did. I said what I thought was a very neutral, “Well, mom, I hope someday you two can reconcile.” That’s verbatim. That led to my mom stewing and becoming furious with me, and the very next time I spoke to her one week later, she cut me out of her life.
This has affected me both psychologically and physically. I’ve suffered anxiety and depression as a direct result of this unnatural estrangement (my mom and I were quite close prior to this) and my health has been suffering.
My dad told me last week that my mom had told him - after one of my Aunts tried to talk to her about her estrangement with me- that if I would call, she would talk to me. Not exactly a Hallmark moment, but yesterday I did call. And as I expected, she chose not to talk to me. Just as she has chosen not to respond to every other gesture I’ve initiated in the past year and a half. I have sent flowers, gifts, cards, even a letter asking for her forgiveness. I haven’t missed a single holiday- I’ve sent something for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas. When I talk to my Dad, I tell him to tell her I love her. I know sometimes she hears it, because my Dad has hearing problems so when he talks on the phone he turns the speaker on so he can hear it with both ears and she’s sitting right next to him so she can hear the whole conversation. She has made it a point to ignore me in return- It seems to be incredibly important to her to take every possible opportunity to hurt me. She even told me dad, who told me, that I’ve been cut out of the will. And while I don’t care about the money or property, I do care that she would make rejecting me her final act.
One of the greatest difficulties I have is that my religious beliefs as a Catholic make me feel like I have to keep trying. That if I decide to give up, that it’s somehow tantamount to not forgiving her or to trying to take revenge. Part of me wants to stop trying because every time I make a gesture and there is no response, it hurts me all over again. Part of me is afraid if I stop trying that the finality of the estrangement will cause me even more pain. And sometimes I am angry, because I’ve had a lot of stuff going on this past year for which I really needed my mother there for me- I’m getting married, my fiance’s father is dying, we’re moving, I’ve been very ill. And my mother is aware of all of this (I talk to my dad every week)- she just doesn’t care.
How do I find peace with all of this? What is the appropriate Catholic response? I pray all the time. I’ve asked for God to give me peace. I’ve asked God to help me forgive her and most of the time I feel I have, at least until the next time she hurts me, and I pray again for forgiveness. I’ve prayed to meet my mom where she’s at in her journey. I’ve prayed to see Jesus in her. And I can’t- I can’t see Jesus in her because Jesus isn’t cruel and my mom has become cruel. I give it over to Our Lady when I say my Rosary at night. I’ve prayed about it before the Blessed Sacrament. I try to offer it up. Nothing is changing, and I feel like I can’t keep taking these rejections. But I also know we as Catholics are supposed to bear wrongs patiently, and carry our crosses. I don’t know what to do. I’ve discussed this with people in more secular settings, but sometimes their responses to what they think I should do lack Christian charity. I need advice from fellow Catholics.
Thank you.