Need advice re sister and her boyfriend

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Please advise. My younger sister is serious about marrying a guy about whom I have great reservations. He is a divorced Catholic. He had dated his ex-wife 3 years prior to getting married. They separated after 6 months of marriage and within 3 months of the separation, he started dating my sister (again). To make matters more complicated- he and I had dated about 3 1/2 yrs ago-that’s how he and my sister met.

Things did not end well. Despite knowing how heart-broken I was, my sister secretly started dating him soon after things ended between us. Apparently they broke up because they decided that they didn’t want to hurt me. So after he separated from his wife, they decided to rekindle the relationship. (I only found all this out recently since I think the guilt became too overwhelming for my sister.) My sister uses the excuse that I “forced” her to spend time with him- I had merely suggested in the beginning that she get to know him since they lived in the same city- to justify her actions.

I know we can’t help with whom we fall in love, so I can’t say what she did was wrong. But I’m really bothered and disappointed. I love my sister dearly and want to be happy for her. Surpisingly, I’m not mad or angry. The main problem is that she knowingly went out with this guy and tries to justify it. Also, my pride is hurt-according to my sister, the things that he had told me in the past were mostly lies to test how I would respond, which I find very insincere and ridiculously stupid.

I’ve been praying fervently that my sister and I will be able to work through this. Though my sister has sincerely apologized, I still feel so awkward and unsettled about this whole situation. Please pray for us, and I welcome any advice. Thanks.
 
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MKV:
Please advise. My younger sister is serious about marrying a guy about whom I have great reservations. He is a divorced Catholic. He had dated his ex-wife 3 years prior to getting married. They separated after 6 months of marriage and within 3 months of the separation, he started dating my sister (again). To make matters more complicated- he and I had dated about 3 1/2 yrs ago-that’s how he and my sister met.

Things did not end well. Despite knowing how heart-broken I was, my sister secretly started dating him soon after things ended between us. Apparently they broke up because they decided that they didn’t want to hurt me. So after he separated from his wife, they decided to rekindle the relationship. (I only found all this out recently since I think the guilt became too overwhelming for my sister.) My sister uses the excuse that I “forced” her to spend time with him- I had merely suggested in the beginning that she get to know him since they lived in the same city- to justify her actions.

I know we can’t help with whom we fall in love, so I can’t say what she did was wrong. But I’m really bothered and disappointed. I love my sister dearly and want to be happy for her. Surpisingly, I’m not mad or angry. The main problem is that she knowingly went out with this guy and tries to justify it. Also, my pride is hurt-according to my sister, the things that he had told me in the past were mostly lies to test how I would respond, which I find very insincere and ridiculously stupid.

I’ve been praying fervently that my sister and I will be able to work through this. Though my sister has sincerely apologized, I still feel so awkward and unsettled about this whole situation. Please pray for us, and I welcome any advice. Thanks.
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I absolutely disagree with your statement that “we can’t help with whom we fall in love.” If that were true, then a lot of us married people would be falling in love with people we aren’t married to. Falling in love is very much something we can and should exercise control over. Furthermore, your pride should be hurt. Your sister has been unkind to you. Apologies are meaningless if she does not change her behavior. And it doesn’t appear she intends to. do anything different.

I know (second-hand) of a somewhat similar story. Except one sister married the other sister’s ex-husband. The girls were raised Catholic. Needless to say, twenty years later the sisters are very much estranged and the reverberations effect relationships with the parents and the other siblings. The couple are still married and have children. A very sad story and entirely avoidable.

In any case, it sounds like your sister is going to do what she is going to do. She will interpret any further protests from you as sour grapes and she will dismiss your objections. Pray for her. You might talk to a priest or a Catholic counselor to help you come to terms with this situation. Encourage her to talk to a priest or Catholic counselor, if she is willing. Unfortunately, there is little more that you can do to dissuade her. I suspect the situation and your relationship will get worse before it gets better. God bless you.
 
What a difficult situation. What what i’ve figured out it’s been over 3 1/2 years since your relationship with this guy ended. Be thankful that it did because this guy is obviously bad news. I wouldn’t try to concentrate on what this guy did or didn’t say years back, since your relationship has been over for quite sometime.

It sounds like your sister has never grown up and is trying to justify her actions to releave her guilt. As in “you forced her to spend time with him.” The fact that she would reveal to you things this guy lied to you about shows her continued lack of maturity and poor judgement. I would more concerned for her as she is obviously making a serious mistake with this guy.

Pray for her, ask God to give you the grace to forgive her for her betrayal. And try to keep communication open. I have a feeling your sister will be needing you for support before this whole mess is over.
 
I agree that ppl choose to put themselves in positions to fall in love and that they they can exercise control over whether to act on the attraction. But I don’t believe that people can control the actual attraction and chemistry- it’s either there or not.

I definitely don’t have feelings for this guy, but I just don’t know what to do about my little sister except to pray. Assuming that they do get engaged, out of obligation I think she would ask me to be her maid of honor (once upon a time, it would have been bc we’re very close). I don’t think I would feel comfortable being in her wedding party. Do you think that’s selfish? Thanks again.
 
I’m assuming his marriage has been annuled? You didn’t say it had and I thought that should be cleared up.
 
MKV–From what you say, your sister must be a selfish, self-absorbed, thoughtless person. Why would you even consider being her maid-of-honor? I give you credit for loving her and caring about her. But on some level, you must realize that she cares more about herself than she does about you. Unless she changes (and I suspect she won’t), you will continue to be hurt by her. Should she ask you to be her maid-of-honor, you should politely decline. Pray for her. Forgive her. But be careful and protect yourself from further selfish and unkind behavior.
 
Wow, what a bad situation.

I think I’d lose all respect for my sister if she knowingly went out and started to date an ex-boyfriend of mine.

I know how this must be putting a really big strain on your relationship with your sister, but I think your feelings are justified.

Hope things work out for you.

Karen
 
Dear MKV,

You seem to love your sister, and I admire you for not being angry toward her.

I bet you a steak dinner that no more than six months after your sister marries this guy, she will find him in bed with another woman.

Men instinctively like variety in their mates. This guy needs to curb his animal instinct and gain some human dignity before he will make a good marriage risk.

By the way, I do not think you are obligated to refuse standing up in her wedding. Of course it’s your call, but she will know that you are on her side even when she’s making a big mistake. That is, unless you can prevent the wedding from happening by refusing to be in it – that’s another matter entirely. 😉

Alan
 
aside from your other valid concerns, if BF is a divorced Catholic who has never had his marriage annulled he is a married man, and cannot marry your sister.
 
Hi. Thanks for everyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut. KiwiCatholic86 and puzzleannie, I believe he is in the process of getting his marriage annulled, though I’m really not certain. His ex-wife was not Catholic although they were married in the Catholic Church; and my sister is not Catholic either (I converted during college). So I don’t think this is a big issue for either of them.

My mom and younger sister were visiting this past weekend. I tried to be as “normal” as possible. But you could definitely feel the uneasiness. She mentioned that they’ve already started looking into building a house together, so it seems that marriage is just around the corner. I just pray that God enlightens her and helps her decide wisely. Thanks again to all who responded.
 
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