Need advice Re: Wayward adult daughter

[Cathy_Wright]

I am so sad. My almost 23 year old daughter (graduated with honors from college) has “been with” a 19 year old who is just out of prison, HS dropout, prob uses drugs, no faith, broken family, no job and the list continues. She had a high school relationship with an abusive boy… which was a very difficult 3 years. For one year in college she dated the “ideal” young man - - Catholic, top of his class, cute, mature… but they broke up and it was needy boys again. I’m praying so hard but getting physically ill from worry. Am asking for prayers and whatever wisdom is out there. Thanks.

 

[yellowbird]

Gosh Cathy, I can imagine your worry. Your daughter sounds like she has so much going for her… have you asked her what she sees in this boy? It seems as if they would have zero in common?

 

[pentecostbaby]

No real words of wisdom here, but I’ll keep you both in my prayers.
Any idea why she goes out with guys like this? From what you said, it seems like the “need to be needed” is more important than the guy - if she (and you) can figure out why that is, you might be able to help her address that?

 

[Eucharisted]

Teach her about Saint Monica

 

[EmBee]

I am so sad. My almost 23 year old daughter (graduated with honors from college) has “been with” a 19 year old who is just out of prison, HS dropout, prob uses drugs, no faith, broken family, no job and the list continues. She had a high school relationship with an abusive boy… which was a very difficult 3 years. For one year in college she dated the “ideal” young man - - Catholic, top of his class, cute, mature… but they broke up and it was needy boys again. I’m praying so hard but getting physically ill from worry. Am asking for prayers and whatever wisdom is out there. Thanks.

Sounds like a guy I used to date

I went thru a long phase (~6 years) where I only dated needy guys with bad habits like those listed above. I wasn’t able to come out of it on my own, either. My last in a string of bad boyfriends finally broke up with me after 3 years of being together. It was terrible, and I was devestated. When I picked myself up and looked back on highschool/college, I was totally embarassed. I grew a backbone and started putting myself first. I realize now that I was in those relationships because I had extremely low self esteem. I intentionally found guys to be with who I was “better than” because I wanted some security that they would never leave me. I figured if I was better than him, I could run the relationship, have companionship and he would never leave me. Well, obviously I was wrong.

Okay, so I empathize with your daughter, but as for advice … all I can say is help her see the beautiful, wonderful, amazing, strong woman she is (without needing anyone in her life). Try not to talk too badly of her friends because that might only push her farther away from you. In my case, I needed to find out for myself that those guys were bad for me, but maybe she’ll be more receptive to you than I was to my own mom.

Prayers & good luck! Feel free to PM if you want.

–

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

There is not much you can do, except make sure hte doors are not 100% closed to conversation with her, and pray like crazy for her safety. I know a sister, a cousin, and my eldest who date the needy (and yet somehow manipulative).

 

[Cathy_Wright]

Thanks so much for sharing all of you. I have no idea why she would date these guys. She is from a good 2 parent home (married 30 years) … we both have done nothing but love and support. I have no idea why she would have a low self esteem unless boyfriend #1 did this… he was physically and emotionally abusive. I have told her how I feel and she is upset that I am judging him. Before he went to jail, he came over several times and we were nothing but polite. Before he went to jail, when we were out of town, she gave a drinking party for him and some of his closest friends at our house. This was a week before fathers day and our 30th anniversary. That was a happy time. Anyway I guess I pray and cry and hope we both get through this. Thanks so much for your prayers and feedback. Yes… St. Monica and I are becoming good friends. Blessings to you all.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I have no idea why she would date these guys. She is from a good 2 parent home (married 30 years) … we both have done nothing but love and support…

It’s not you. It’s more than likely not your husband.

When kids grow up, they come with free will and the ability- indeed the legal right when it’s legal- to do as they please.

 

[Matrix_Refugee]

Personally, I think the most you can do right now is pray for her. For all legal intents and purposes, she’s an adult now and has the free will to make her own mistakes. To me, it sounds like she’s hoping she can “fix” this guy up, and there’s some women who just do that. Her intentions are noble, I’ll give her that, but she’s not really going about it the right way. Let’s hope she gets the grace to love herself enough to get out of that situation and use her desire to help the unfortunate in a less self-destructive way.

 

[Norseman82]

Thanks so much for sharing all of you. I have no idea why she would date these guys. She is from a good 2 parent home (married 30 years) … we both have done nothing but love and support.

Who can bench more, your husband or the boyfriend? Or do you have any physically capable sons that can bench more than the boyfriend?

 

[jmcrae]

Poor self-esteem and anxiety could have come from anywhere - school, a job, or even just watching some kind of dreck on television that puts down women. Maybe she saw in an ad or on a show, someone with her body type or her personality being put-down or harmed in some way, and somehow, that thought got rooted in her mind and keeps disturbing her peace and her sense of safety.

But she is most likely picking out these kinds of guys because she feels that somehow they protect her from something that she feels is threatening her - something that’s even scarier than these guys, themselves - kind of how some people buy vicious dogs to protect them from burglars - they know perfectly well that the dog will most likely injure a family member at some point down the line, but they consider the risk to be worth it. They might even parade the injury around, to show how mean their dog is, to keep anyone (except for the dog itself, of course) from threatening them at home.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

My sister was a disaster in high school and even later. She dated some bad boys and borderline criminals because she wanted to “save them”. It’s one possible reason, but the other possibilities mentioned also make sense - your daughter feeling the need of a bad boy to protect her, or her self-esteem being hurt by the previous boyfriend who was abusive.

You have to try to talk to your daughter and find out what motivates her, and correct her in an extremely gentle way. Obviously she is making a mistake, but she won’t be willing to admit it or correct it if she will feel that you approach her in a condescending way. Talking to her from a position of authority may not work at all. You have to gently explain to her that you are very worried about her and about her safety.

In my sister’s case, she was extremely rebellious and that made her practically impossible to approach. And the peers, the wrong girlfriends with the wrong ideas had a great and very negative influence on her. I wonder about your daughter’s peers and friends, are they influencing her in the wrong direction?

 

[cheeto1]

I am so sad. My almost 23 year old daughter (graduated with honors from college) has “been with” a 19 year old who is just out of prison, HS dropout, prob uses drugs, no faith, broken family, no job and the list continues. She had a high school relationship with an abusive boy… which was a very difficult 3 years. For one year in college she dated the “ideal” young man - - Catholic, top of his class, cute, mature… but they broke up and it was needy boys again. I’m praying so hard but getting physically ill from worry. Am asking for prayers and whatever wisdom is out there. Thanks.

You are right to ask others to pray, when you are getting physically ill from worry. God is very, very near to the suffering. Do you know what you want to pray for with your daughter? Is it that she would stop seeing this young man? Is it that she would go to confession for a relationship outside marriage? Is it that you yourself would see what God would have you to do for your daughter (if anything)? The best thing is to ask for the biggest and the best things you want for your daughter.

This is what I would say:
Thank you Lord for our beautiful daughter. Thank you for her
college degree and the many wonderful years and happy times
we have had with her. Thank you for one more day with her
Lord, we love her so much. Thank you for letting us be her
parents, she’s the best girl in the world! And now Lord, we are
so sad about her new boyfriend! Please help her Lord, save her
from all danger and save her from all wrongdoing! We ask you
to be with her and us, and show us what we can do to make
your will come here on earth as it is in heaven. Thank you for
hearing our prayers Lord, Amen

Dear Lord,
Bless dear Cathy with your love, help her to feel and know
your loving presence in her time of sorrow. Amen.

I’m sorry I don’t know how to help, but I know God does.

 

[LSK]

Sounds like a guy I used to date

I went thru a long phase (~6 years) where I only dated needy guys with bad habits like those listed above. I wasn’t able to come out of it on my own, either. My last in a string of bad boyfriends finally broke up with me after 3 years of being together. It was terrible, and I was devestated. When I picked myself up and looked back on highschool/college, I was totally embarassed. I grew a backbone and started putting myself first. I realize now that I was in those relationships because I had extremely low self esteem. I intentionally found guys to be with who I was “better than” because I wanted some security that they would never leave me. I figured if I was better than him, I could run the relationship, have companionship and he would never leave me. Well, obviously I was wrong.

Okay, so I empathize with your daughter, but as for advice … all I can say is help her see the beautiful, wonderful, amazing, strong woman she is (without needing anyone in her life). Try not to talk too badly of her friends because that might only push her farther away from you. In my case, I needed to find out for myself that those guys were bad for me, but maybe she’ll be more receptive to you than I was to my own mom.

Prayers & good luck! Feel free to PM if you want.

–

These are words of wisdom. As a former Wild Child with a taste for bad boys, may I say that this woman hit the nail on the head. Keep praying, Mom…there is hope.

 

[Cathy_Wright]

Thank you so much for your prayers and words of wisdom. I am so encouraged by all of your posts. I know God is in control and my sister even said maybe it is not that my daughter needs this boy but that maybe he needs her for a short while. In any case she still goes to church and he goes with her sometimes (even though he is not a Catholic or even a Christian). I am very encouraged by all of you.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Ok this may sound stupid but I did that too… I dated guys that were in “need” of love and affection that came from broken families etc… NOT because I had a low self-esteem, but because I felt I needed to guide them in the right direction and show them what life and love was all about, so I was taking them to church, reading to them-hanging out in the library, etc etc etc… ONE of those needy men, whose mother passed away when he was 13, he was physically abused by his father, raised by a psychotically disturbed grandmother, was my ex-husband… YES CALL ME WHATEVER YOU WANT, I deserve it… I messed up my life and my children’s lives thinking I would be able to “change” this man into the perfect husband and father… Obviously at my children’s peace, love and sanity, as long as with mine and my health, I learned the hard way that some people just seriously don’t want to be helped…AND that is not a good enough reason to date let alone marry someone and have children with them!!!

I tried everything to make this man happy, and for nothing, but heart ache and pain along with a child whom needed to seek professional help for…

BUT I am done and over with that, and am dating a man that is not needy, well needy in the sense he enjoys being with me and we “NEED” to be with each other!! HAHAHA…ok bad trying to joke… BUT we are great friends and we love each other without needing to be saved…well I mean we hope together to reach heaven but not the whole other issue like with my exs…

What I can tell you is talk to her, if she feels this is her calling, she will unfortunately, learn a really bad heartaching reality… BUT hopefully she will make it perfectly well from this and learn before it’s too late…you know? Just be there for her and pray for her… My parent’s didn’t help me much with such decisions, to them it was their way or the high way so I believe you are different and will be there to guide her and help her…As long as she asks for it. Meanwhile just be there for her and pray for her… Talk to her and hopefully she will be able to confide in you…

Take care, GOD bless and hope things get better…

 

[LSK]

You do not sound stupid.

I dated boys that were ‘bad boys’ because I thought guys in leather jackets with long hair and guitars were really really cute.

duh.

then, I thought guys in sharp looking suits that cost lots and lots of money were really really cute.

ooops.

today, I think men who put Christ first and like the Niners are really really cute…

HEY I never said I was PERFECT…