Need Advice- Single mom

[kmarie7289]

I recently met with one of our pastors about my concern of living with my fiance/father of our 4 month old son and how I wanted to make a change to live the right way to set a good example for my son as a Catholic. We decided that meeting with my fiance to discuss the change would be the best way to break the separation to him. I also wanted to address the problems we were having as well in hopes of this separation possibly helping. We often argue about him stepping up and working overtime each week to help us with our financial struggles. I work full time at our church as their administrative assistant and then take care of our son after work. (My mom watches him while i work) We also argue about taking our son to see his family, mostly his stepmom who is undergoing radiation treatment for cancer. I expressed concern with my son’s pediatrician and they said it wouldn’t be a good idea for our son to be around his stepmom because of her compromised immune system and the risk of germs being carried by him and us. We also talked about him needing to be baptized so that we are able to get married in the church. He claims he wishes to join the church through RCIA but hasn’t really attend church with us as of late.

Needless to say, the meeting did not sit well with my fiance. He was angry and threatened suicide because he felt that I was taking away his son from him. The next morning, he said that he was going to talk to the pastor again about doing something one on one so that he can get everything done, we can get married and be done. Once I told him that we needed to do things for marriage prep 6 months before we plan to marry, he seemed very irritated with that.

Yesterday, we had another argument about our son visiting his family and then he threatened to leave, just pay child support and be done. Later in the evening, he apologized after I said that he should because I felt upset that he continues to tell me hes leaving or that he wants to end his life.

I really feel that he’s trying to rush becoming Catholic so that he feels he has equal rights to our son and so that he can go back to the things he was doing while we were living together (not working overtime, not helping around the house). I plan to talk with our pastor again to let him know my feelings on the situation, but I’m just confused about what to do. I want to have a family but I also don’t want to risk things not working out because he doesn’t want to do what he needs to. I’m trying my best to put the needs of my son first and make the best life for him, but I’m honestly confused and hurt. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on what I can do??

 

[Bluebright]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing wanting to live separately from your fiancé. I don’t mean to make things harder by suggesting you take things slower but I think you should do. Marriage is for life and it needs to be right for all of you. Your son and you and your fiancé. It is much better to take it slowly now, even if your fiancé gets upset that to marry in haste and repent at leisure. He needs to discern if he wishes to be catholic and fall in love with Christ and the Church. You need to make sure he is right for you and your son. It will be easier to do this living apart. Even once he is a Catholic a little time, dating as a Catholic family to be would be advised in my humble opinion. I know you dont want to hurt him, but if he loves you and your son he will take it nice and slow as he will have you all and Christ for ever. True love is not to be rushed, the foundations must be built carefully and lovingly. I suggest you get a baby sitter if you can and go out with him and explain it to him and tell him how much it means to you to have him, Christ and you and your son as a family and lovingly this must be done and not rushed, if you choose to be with him. I think this is what you are thinking anyway. God bless you. I will pray for you.

 

[Lou2U]

I think you need to slow right down with marriage plans. Threatening suicide is incredibly manipulative and dangerous of him, and you need to seriously consider whether you want to marry him. That along with your other issues would make me really hesitant to want to tie myself to someone like him.

Keep putting your son first. Don’t let your fiance manipulate you into doing things quicker than you would like, and don’t let him do so in order to circumvent your timetable. I think you need to sit down with him and tell him never to threaten suicide to get you to do what he wants again. Also, it’s a good idea to try and get out of him his motivation for converting, what he thinks he needs to do to help your financial situation, and if he thinks he needs to change around the house. But don’t marry him until you are certain all of these issues are ironed out, even if that takes you past your current timetable of when you’d like to marry.

 

[kmarie7289]

Thank you for your advice and prayers. I’m trying to get him to see the importance of building a solid relationship for our son to have a solid foundation as a family. It really seems that he is trying to get things done as quickly as he can. I’m not trying to keep our son away from him by any means but that’s immediately what he thinks of when I tell him that things will take time. He’s afraid of missing out on his “firsts” in life, but as I explained to him, I’ve missed firsts of his already by being at work. He also, only spends an hour or so with our son when we are together. I’m not sure what will happen but because I’ve been disappointed so much in the past, I feel that I’m going to continue to be disappointed. I’m not going to rush into marriage until I know that its right. I probably should have thought about that before I accepted his proposal but at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing by getting married because we were expecting a baby together.

 

[kmarie7289]

Thank you for your advice. We had a talk last night and he promised that he wouldn’t make threats to leave or to end his life. I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, however, I’ve been promised a lot from him before and it just seems to end in disappointment as of late. I’m not going to rush or give into anything unless I truly feel it is right and that he’s going to keep his word. My biggest fear is that he will just say the things that he thinks I want to hear and that things will change once he get what he wants. He told our pastor that he wants to convert to be able to share the faith with our son, but I’m not sure if that’s really what he wants or if he thought that’s what our pastor wanted to hear. He expressed that he doesn’t attend church with us because he’s been angry with God. Mainly because of his stepmom who currently has 3 different cancers she is undergoing treatment for. I can understand his frustration and hurt but I don’t want him to feel like he can’t have a good relationship with our Lord.
I’m okay with taking as much time as it needs to ensure everything is true and will work out, but I have a feeling that it is not the same case for him. He just feels that his son is being taken from him and that he has no control over the situation.

 

[Bluebright]

It sounds like you are being very sensible. It understandable he is worried about missing things, but like you say everyone misses things. Even a mother who doesnt work can miss something by just being asleep at the time or making lunch etc. Only God sees everything, cos no one else is omnipresent. But it’s the big hurry and the talk of suicide that is worrying. It may be that he has his own childhood issues to get over, sometimes having children or getting married (or approaching marriage) can bring up these issues and he really should sort them out or at least talk them through. It sounds like he has some big fears, I am not judging him rather trying to understand where he comes from as well as you, as we are only hearing one side of the story. It sounds to me like he is feeling a ‘lack of control’ like if he does not marry you he will lose his son and you and have no say in anything, which may or may not be the case depending on how things get and what country you are in and the law. Few favour the father, especially the unmarried father. Anyway I am not saying there is no love just that fear is driving things at the moment and may be drowning love, perhaps on both sides? Would he consider counselling? perhaps your priest can suggest somewhere for the two of you to go, often parishes have someone or organisations, or at least they do here. Sometimes an outsider is better . God bless.

 

[BoomBoomMancini]

Needless to say, the meeting did not sit well with my fiance. He was angry and threatened suicide because he felt that I was taking away his son from him

It sounds like he is not entirely stable. How old is he? Does he have access to mental health resources?

 

[kmarie7289]

I’ve considered looking into counseling, possibly couples counseling if it would help. I live in the US in Alabama, where some have said that it is a “mother state”. I’m not trying to keep his son from him by any means but I am concerned about his judgement when it comes to the best interest of our son when he is alone. His family is also concerning because there seems to be a lack in good judgement when it comes to the safety of our son. They just think selfishly without thinking if it would be in the best interest of our son. He had a troubled childhood, and that might be the reason for some of his fear as he said. But I’ve suggested he look into other resources to get counseling or a different psychologist to help him with his anxiety and depression.

 

[kmarie7289]

Thank you for your prayers.

Our pastor suggested the separate household because we were living in a one bedroom apartment and I’m having second thoughts on whether or not we should get married because he is not upholding the promises he made. So he suggested the separation to help us think about things and for him to really decide if he’s willing to step up and do what he needs for the best interest of our family.

My fiance has told me that she wants to meet our son, but this has only come up as of recently. He’s already 4 months old. The only family that came to the hospital to see our son was his father. They also live over an hour and a half away from us.

 

[kmarie7289]

He is seeing a psychologist who is treating him with medication for his anxiety and depression, but he has expressed he feels him medication isn’t working. When i suggest he finds a different doctor who is willing to work with him on other treatment options, he basically says he never said he is having issue with his medication. And he is 28 years old. I am 29 if that matters.

 

[Bluebright]

God bless you both. I hope that it helps. I think if his medication isnt working, he should ask for new medication. There are loads of different kinds these days and you really should be able to find a suitable one, but you do have to tell the doctor, they cant guess and they see so many people, it’s unlikely they can do the level of care where they’d be able to ‘just know’. The medication needs to be right before talking therapy would have much effect, in my opinion, that’s usually how they do things, stabilise the brain and then talk. Unless the doctor is really inappropriate being on the wrong meds isnt a reason for change but you know better than I. It may take a few months/years to get the meds right, especially as he needs to get on to the doc about it. But then again it does need to be given time too, he and the doc need to try this out, pray for him. I hope that gets sorted soon. God bless

 

[1ke]

I recently met with one of our pastors about my concern of living with my fiance/father of our 4 month old son and how I wanted to make a change to live the right way to set a good example for my son as a Catholic. We decided that meeting with my fiance to discuss the change would be the best way to break the separation to him.

That doesn’t really sound like it’s best at all. Not financially, not for your son, and not for your fiance.

You can live chastely and under the same roof if all of this will be too upsetting and place additional burdens on you financially. This doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I am not sure why your pastor wouldn’t counsel you in his regard.

You ca take some time to make this separation less traumatic on everyone, if it’s needed. You need to ensure neither of you are going to be in a bad financial position, and also that you have arrangements in place for frequent visitation between your son and his father.

I also wanted to address the problems we were having as well in hopes of this separation possibly helping. We often argue about him stepping up and working overtime each week to help us with our financial struggles.

Frequent arguments indicate a reason not to rush into marriage. Do some extensive premarital counseling.

We also talked about him needing to be baptized so that we are able to get married in the church.

He does not need to be baptized at all for you two to get married in the Church. If he wants to become Catholic, great. But there is NO reason that you need to wait to start the marriage process until he is Catholic. He doesn’t ever have to become a Catholic for your marry him in the Church.

Not sure why you are under this impression.

He was angry and threatened suicide because he felt that I was taking away his son \from him.

This is concerning, and he should definitely get some counseling for these sorts of threats and thoughts.

But, i can certainly see why he would be upset with you and your pastor springing this on him and talking about separating and moving out with your son.

I really feel that he’s trying to rush becoming Catholic so that he feels he has equal rights to our son

He has equal rights to your son whether you are married or not, or whether he becomes Catholic or not.

I want to have a family but I also don’t want to risk things not working out because he doesn’t want to do what he needs to.

Sounds like you have some expectations that he is not meeting. Are you sure it’s him and not you? You expect him to work overtime, but that is very exhausting and taxing on a person. If he is unable to work overtime, you need to be a little more understanding.

You two definitely sound like you need extensive counseling before you move forward to marriage.

 

[JMMJ]

Your son needs his father.

I am sure you can understand it must seem to your boyfriend that you are changing the rules of the game in the middle of the game. You should try to work with him, rather than “laying down the law” to him.

Is he even interested in the Catholic faith, other than you are holding it over his head? If not, then you shouldn’t be pushing the issue with him.

I am not saying you should continue to live together “in sin”. However, it is possible to live together without having sexual relations while you take the 6 months the Church requires for you to get married. Perhaps ask your parish if they would be willing to accelerate the program for you, given your circumstances? I know some parishes will do this (all obligations of marriage prep are met, only they are met within a shorter amount of time).

It sounds like family is important to your boyfriend. I would not let that slip away. If he feels he is being pushed and manipulated to do things your way, he may slip away in anger and that could be the end of hoping for a stable, family unit.

If your boyfriend has issues with being lazy and not holding proper or adequate employment, I would not conflate that issue with the religious requirements of marrying in the Church. Laziness in unacceptable in any circumstance. If he is lazy and doesn’t want to support his family and have the proper attitude about it, then I think you should take marriage off the table for now and a separation is called for.

 

[kmarie7289]

I understand your viewpoints and it is my understanding that in order for us to be married, he needs to be baptized in some religion, not just Catholic. We have not discussed any marriage preparation with either pastor because I’m not sure we’re ready for that at this point.

I have talked to my fiance about being able to see his son everyday. Part of the separation was also to give my fiance the ability to understand that there needs to be some changes before I can commit to a marriage with him. My pastor and I feel that by eliminating the temptation of “living as husband and wife” will help encourage him to make the changes he needs to, to prove that he wants the same things. He is the one who has moved out. My son and I are remaining in the apartment.

Regarding the rights, by law in Alabama, where I am. The mother has custodial rights which is why he is concerned about having rights to him. I am not in any way, holding this against him or manipulating him because of this.

The expectation of working over time, is one to two hours a day, as he said he would work to offset the deduction of health benefits for him and our son. As I said, I work a full time job myself and I am unable to work overtime hours. The only other option would be for me to get a second job and not be able to spend time with my son.

 

[1ke]

I understand your viewpoints and it is my understanding that in order for us to be married, he needs to be baptized in some religion, not just Catholic.

This is not correct. You can marry an unbaptized person in the Catholic Church. It requires a dispensation from disparity of cult. Your pastor can take care of that.

The expectation of working over time, is one to two hours a day, as he said he would work to offset the deduction of health benefits for him and our son.

That’s a lot of overtime.

As I said, I work a full time job myself and I am unable to work overtime hours.

Then perhaps it is time to look for a higher paying job. Church secretary isn’t a job that can support you and your son.

The only other option would be for me to get a second job and not be able to spend time with my son.

Which may be a sacrifice you need to make. Perhaps you could work a very part time job and your fiance could work overtime, but not one to two hours every day.

 

[kmarie7289]

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

I understand my son needs his father and I’m trying my best to work with him so that he is able to spend time with him while we are on this separation.

I’ve asked him countless times if this is something he really wants because the last thing I want is resentment for expecting him to be apart of the Catholic church. I want to be married in the church and I don’t think its wrong for me to want to keep that. It was discussed way before we even found out we were expecting a baby together.

The separation was brought up because I feel like he got too used to living together as “husband and wife” and I felt that he wasn’t living up to the promise he made to me and to my father when he asked him for my hand.

We thought about getting married before the baby was born and had our deacon talk to the pastor for us, as I was working for him at his business at the time, but I decided against it because I was afraid of the baby not being covered by insurance. My fiance was struggling to find a steady job with benefits.

 

[Mary888]

Getting angry with God is a tough moment. Because it’s a serious spiritual matter. The whole purpose of salvation and our life is to reconcile with God. Having this spiritual effort being cut short and being overworked due to the financial strain and suffering to see his mom suffer no wonder yout boyfriend is all boiled up and contradicting himself.
Maybe you shouldn’t try to solve the marriage issue right now since it’s not humanly possible for your guy to be the best he can be right now. If you can’t take it maybe a separation will help you two. But if you do actually want to stick with him just a little longer then let all these subjects of conversation (Church, marriage) rest for the time being.

You two are in my thoughts and prayers invoking the help of Archangel Gabriel protector of marriages and communication.

 

[kmarie7289]

Thank you for your prayers. I appreciate it. I’ve told my fiance that there isn’t any rush for the religion or for us to get married. He seems to want to expedite things because he feels hes losing his son. I told him that he is able to see his son whenever he wants to. The only thing I am concerned about is traveling to see his stepmom because she is sick and I’m afraid of bringing in germs around her. Now I’m also experiencing car issues so that would be another reason for us not to travel up to see her.

 

[JanetF]

I think you need to slow right down with marriage plans. Threatening suicide is incredibly manipulative and dangerous of him, and you need to seriously consider whether you want to marry him.

This! I do not believe you should marry him just because you have child together, though you didn’t say that you are doing so. Just sayin’…

 

[JanetF]

Also, it is really very serious having young children around immuno-compromised people. Perhaps he needs to hear that from his step-mom’s doctor. I’m sure she wants to see the baby, but it really isn’t safe for her!