Need advice to repair a family relationship please

  • Thread starter Thread starter AKDee
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

AKDee

Guest
A little background. My entire life I’ve had a very close relationship with my Mom. My Dad died when I was 8, and that left just me and my Mom as I was an only child. My Mom remarried when I was 10, but I’ve always been close to her, and more so after I turned 18 and moved out of the house. I’m 42 now, and up until last year had an extremely close relationship. I used to go visit once a week, and then when my parents moved the other side of the country I still made an effort to call every Sunday and to visit once a year.

Last year my Mom started to have some issues. What they are, exactly, no one knows. She hasn’t been to a doctor. But she ended her relationship with her brother, and then later ended her relationship with her cousin who also happened to be a close friend who was buying the house next door. My Mom said that her cousin was trying to control her, and so she wasn’t having that and just ended the relationship abruptly. About 5 or 6 weeks later, she made the same accusation of me- she said that every time I called all I tried to do was tell her what to do and how to live her life. Which couldn’t have been further from the truth, because while I was close to my Mom, my Mom is extremely type A and no one tells my Mom what to do. NO ONE. And anyone that knows my Mom knows that, especially me. I have never tried to control or to manipulate my mother in any fashion. After much consideration, I think that what caused her to say that was this: She had been constantly bringing up her choice to end her relationship with her cousin. I think she was bringing it up because she felt kind of guilty and maybe was looking for validation, I’m not sure. I didn’t validate it but I also didn’t say she was wrong. What I did say was, “Well Mom, I hope someday you guys can reconcile.” Those were my exact words. My step-dad told me later that my Mom had told him that I was talking too much about her cousin (when the reality was that I never brought the subject up, my Mom brought it up every time) and that I should expect at my next phone call with her that she was going to tell me not to talk about her cousin anymore. I was like, Ok, that’s fine. Whatever. Well, instead what happened the next time I called was my Mom ambushed me with this whole accusation that all I do when I call is tell her what to do and how to live her life. I got upset and raised my voice and said, “Where did you get that idea?” and she hung up on me. And that is, literally, the last time we spoke. I sent a card at Thanksgiving, I sent presents at Christmas, I sent a gift for my Mom’s birthday in January, and I sent flowers at Mother’s Day along with a card that told her I loved her very much. I have gotten no communication back from her at all.

For many months, my pride has held me back from doing anything further. My step-dad says I should apologize but I have felt that apologizing validates her accusation, which I haven’t wanted to do since her accusation was untrue. I said I’d apologize for raising my voice, but I do feel that is the only thing I did wrong, and solely because she caught me so off guard with her accusation.

That said, I feel that by letting my pride prevent me from repairing this relationship is in itself sinful.

But it’s been 11 months of silence and now I don’t know what to do. My Mom hasn’t tried to work things out with her brother or her cousin either, and it appears as though she’s written every one of us off.

I guess what I’m asking for is some suggestions on how to thaw this relationship back out. I strongly suspect calling her would be an abject failure. She hasn’t responded to cards or flowers or gifts. She might respond if I apologize for what she accused me of- maybe- but it still just rubs me wrong to apologize for something I know I didn’t do. And I don’t do the non-apology where you say “I’m sorry you feel that way” - to me, that’s a cop out that essentially places the blame on the other person and isn’t an apology at all.

I need advice. Help? No one is getting any younger here and I want to fix this if I can but I don’t know how. No one holds a grudge like my Mom. And the fact that she’s written off other family members first and made no move to fix those makes me think that maybe she just doesn’t want a relationship with me again either. There is the possibility of this being some form of mental illness or dementia, but again, she won’t go to the doctor so the cause is moot. The only thing that matters is if I can fix this.

Thanks in advance for any advice.
 
It really does sound like early-stage dementia, or a similar mental problem which affects older populations.

Sadly, short of being there if and when she needs you and of course praying for her, there isn’t much you can do. You can’t make another adult be kind or rational to you. Your stepdad’s reaction suggests to me that he knows deep down that there’s something wrong, but that it’s easier to go along with her behaviors than try to force her to see a doctor.

You can apologize if you so choose, of course, but you’re not required to. However, you might consider doing so in the mindset of one who’s handling someone who’s mentally ill, which it sounds like you are.

To clarify: let’s say that she was far more advanced in whatever illness this is, and that you were taking care of her. Let’s say that she asked you, for the twenty-fifth time that hour, to check the front door and make sure it was locked. She wouldn’t be doing that to annoy you; she genuinely couldn’t remember asking the last twenty-four times. You’d be perfectly within your rights to say cheerfully, “Mom, I checked the door, and it’s locked. Thanks for reminding me!” without specifying that you checked it twenty minutes before, and not within the last 30 seconds. 😉
 
AKDee said:
And I don’t do the non-apology where you say “I’m sorry you feel that way” - to me, that’s a cop out that essentially places the blame on the other person and isn’t an apology at all.
Click to expand...
This is a well tested technique that can very often work wonders. You should definitely reconsider this.

Surely it’s better than a) apologising for something you haven’t done (which is a lie and won’t repair the relationship in any meaningful way) and b) having no relationship at all.

eg “I’m sorry I raised my voice at you and I’m sorry that you thought I was taking [insert cousin’s name] side”.

Firstly, it’s a true apology for what you actually did wrong. Secondly, tying the quasi-apology onto it means it will likely be interpreted as part of an overall apology and thus a win-win.
AKDee said:
There is the possibility of this being some form of mental illness or dementia, but again, she won’t go to the doctor so the cause is moot.
Click to expand...
Yes, it sounds like she is becoming strangely paranoid. You may be able to help her, if of course you can repair the relationship (I’m not implying it’s your fault that it broke down).
AKDee said:
The only thing that matters is if I can fix this.
Click to expand...
See above.
 
I would agree that something is not adding up.

First off, you can apologize without offense to your duty to the truth. It will not hurt your reputation to bite your tongue and fail to defend yourself “honestly.” If this is just an inexplicable case of your mother getting her wrong-headed panties in a twist, that would be OK. All you have to do is to refuse to act against your cousin based on hearsay; it is OK to stay out of it. At this point, the phone call is much too far in the past to recall well enough to establish whose memory is correct, so you are never going to establish that your memory is correct and hers is faulty.

Having said that, realize that persons over 65 are more vulnerable to mental status changes because of health problems. It isn’t just “oh, you don’t have Alzheimer’s, so you’re OK.” No, something as simple as a UTI can change an older person’s mental status in ways that would be very unusual for a younger person.

The question of whether or not she has dementia is in no way moot. By all means, contact your mother and ask how she is doing. If she won’t talk to you, try to talk to your step dad. Get in touch with them somehow and start keeping tabs on how they are doing. Find someone who sees them regularly who can call you if there is a mental health emergency. If your mother and step dad do have mental status changes, they will need you to intervene. In order to do that, you’ll need a line of communication to someone who will realize you need to be called.

I would read up on how to deal with dementia in parents. You absolutely do not have to stick to “the truth.” It isn’t fair, for instance, to accuse someone of something that they don’t have the physical capacity to remember correctly. You may as well argue with a sleep-walker. The objective is going to be to keep the person calm and as comfortable as possible. Sticking to the strict truth is going to be something you’re going to have to let go of.

OK, what if you have satisfied yourself that you mother’s mental status has not changed? If it were me, I think I’d find a real counsellor who can help you explore your options and choose what you want to try. I think you’re correct in suspecting that this isn’t a “magic bullet” problem. You may have to choose between a compromise with your own way with the truth and having contact with your mom. If it were me, I’d really want to seriously talk that over before I jumped in with blind stabs at fixing it. Counsellors aren’t a magic bullet, either, but they are about as good a hope as you have at running several theoretical dry runs, thinking through what outcomes you might have to cope with, and make the most considered choice that you can before you choose options and start trying them. (If you have a friend you trust in this role, that can work, too. No one can promise anything; the idea is to do the best that you can with the information you have by considering it carefully.)
 
I would like to suggest that if possible, you take a trip out and visit your mom. It is sometimes difficult to get your assessment just from talking on the phone. And right now, she isn’t even giving that option. I don’t know when the last time you actually saw your mom was, but I think an in person visit is in order.

I don’t know if her husband is afraid she will cut him out too and that’s why he is taking her side, or whether he agrees with her. But he may be too close to her to really see if your mom us veering off into dementia or something else that needs to be checked out.

May God bless you and guide you.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I would like to suggest that if possible, you take a trip out and visit your mom. It is sometimes difficult to get your assessment just from talking on the phone. And right now, she isn’t even giving that option. I don’t know when the last time you actually saw your mom was, but I think an in person visit is in order.

I don’t know if her husband is afraid she will cut him out too and that’s why he is taking her side, or whether he agrees with her. But he may be too close to her to really see if your mom us veering off into dementia or something else that needs to be checked out.

May God bless you and guide you.
Click to expand...
If this is possible, I agree that it seems warranted. Who knows what is going on, but something is not adding up. The OP and any other children this mother raised need to look into this. I think the OP realizes very well that it will be a mistake to seem to be galloping in to fix things, but a personal visit also shows a real desire to patch this up, too.

I would caution the OP, however, to have some place to stay available in case things go south. You have no idea what on earth you are going to walk into, as I’m sure you know. I’ve known several people afflicted with dementia, and there is a certain phase in which some of them are simply impossible to deal with. They are not themselves, they are uncharacteristically combative (yes, even if they always were feisty), and yet they still have it too much together for anyone to intervene effectively. If this is the case, you’ll want to spend the time you have near your mom and step-dad to line up some folks who can help you keep an eye on them.

Best of luck! I hope this is just a mountain made out of a molehill, something that can be smoothed over eventually. Older people have those, too.

The good news is that most of the people I have known who got nasty because of dementia went into a later phase in which their sadly-depleted memory made it impossible for them to remember all their grudges. It was remarkable how sweet they became. That isn’t exactly what I’d call a “good” thing, but it is worth remembering that any combative behavior you might see won’t necessarily last forever. Others go through this because of a UTI or something, and when the infection clears up they are as right as rain again.

In other words, no matter what happens, don’t despair. Even if your mother is choosing this strife from her right mind, someone has gone through whatever you’re going through, and there are people out there to help you get through it. Lean on them, pray, and hang in there. Fidelity does not always bring the results we want, but it is never wasted in the eyes of Heaven.
 
My step-Dad and I speak weekly and he keeps me posted on what’s going on with my Mom. But he is afraid of her, because she often picks fights with him as well and so he tries to keep the peace. He is not in agreement with her about what happened with me, but he will not get in the middle of that and I’m fine with that. He has to live with her, I don’t.

Dropping in to visit her isn’t an option. Mom detests surprises, and if I told her in advance I was going to come she would tell me not to and then if I chose to anyway she would see it as an act of defiance and be angry over that. I know that physically she is ok. She speaks to two of my Aunts, and she speaks to one of my cousins.

If this behavior is from dementia, I’m not seeing any other signs of it. Mom’s memory appears to be as sharp as it ever was, especially when harboring a grudge.
 
AKDee said:
My step-Dad and I speak weekly and he keeps me posted on what’s going on with my Mom. But he is afraid of her, because she often picks fights with him as well and so he tries to keep the peace. He is not in agreement with her about what happened with me, but he will not get in the middle of that and I’m fine with that. He has to live with her, I don’t. (Probably the cousins that do talk to your mom will suffice, if they can keep their mouths zipped that you’re “communicating behind Mom’s back.”)

Dropping in to visit her isn’t an option. Mom detests surprises, and if I told her in advance I was going to come she would tell me not to and then if I chose to anyway she would see it as an act of defiance and be angry over that. I know that physically she is ok. She speaks to two of my Aunts, and she speaks to one of my cousins.

If this behavior is from dementia, I’m not seeing any other signs of it. Mom’s memory appears to be as sharp as it ever was, especially when harboring a grudge.
Click to expand...
Oh, goodness no, I don’t mean dropping in!!! :eek:

I’m glad you’re able to be in contact with your dad. Ask him if he’ll get someone in contact with you to be an emergency contact, in case something happens to him. If you don’t, he could wind up in the hospital and never hear from you or could drop dead and you’ll end up missing his funeral because your angry mother doesn’t call you. Probably you cousins would work, if they can keep their mouths zipped. What you DO NOT WANT is for it to get back to your mom that you think she might be demented. Oh, my, Nellie, could that get ugly! :eek: :eek: :eek:

When my mother started slipping, she wasn’t any more forgetful than a person of her age normally is. She was far more emotionally labile, though. With her, though, it was not in keeping with her past behavior. It seems as if you’re describing something that is not that far out of your mom’s past thinking, though. Maybe you have just gotten on the wrong side of one of her grudges.

Personally, I say swallow your right to stick to the truth and see if she will accept a plea of “no contest.” That’s what you plead when you can’t defend yourself against the case against you. See where that gets you; it is worth trying. If you want to meet her again face-to-face before she dies, trying to arrange that once every year or two seems necessary to me. Decades fly by faster than we think.

If she won’t accept that, find out what she will accept. She is not going to live forever. If this is a one-time thing, I’d say you’re better off eating this and getting on with your relationship with your mother. If she starts making a habit of this, I don’t know what you can do except let her have the consequences of her anti-social behavior. She is not giving you a lot of good choices.
 
I think EasterJoy has a really good point about a kind of ‘no contest’ apology. I also think something is up with your Mama physically that is manifesting as weird behavior.

I am going to keep you in prayer. This must be so painful.
 
Could you say that raising your voice was unkind/disrespectful or hurtful to her? If so, an honest apology might sound something like: “Mom, I am really sad that we have this distance between us now. I am sorry for being unkind/disrespectful to you/being hurtful to you. I love you and miss you and want to have peace with you.”

Like the others, I immediately got the impression that there might be some sort of mental status problems with your mom like the beginning of dementia of some sort. She almost sounds paranoid, which would make sense for someone who is suddenly starting to become confused. Maybe this isn’t the case, but considering you’ve had a good relationship with her all your life, it certainly seems odd for everything suddenly to go downhill now. Because of that, I’d say it is worth it to swallow your pride and say what you can say to make peace with her. Obviously, you would like a good relationship with your mom again, but if there is something going on mentally, she and your step dad may really need your help.
 
Personally, I would try to get step dad to get mom to a doctor. If I didn’t know what was happening to my mom’s health and my step dad was not taking her to a doctor, I would not be as nice to step dad as you have been

Secondly, having to have to cut abusive members out of my life and taking the hot seat for being the ‘trouble maker’ does make me sympathize with your mom. If my cousin bought the house beside mine, yeah, I would feel that is way to close for comfort and resent it. Perhaps not to the point of axing them out of my life, but yeah, I would feel that is inappropriate.

Angie
 
Anglewannabe said:
Personally, I would try to get step dad to get mom to a doctor. If I didn’t know what was happening to my mom’s health and my step dad was not taking her to a doctor, I would not be as nice to step dad as you have been

Secondly, having to have to cut abusive members out of my life and taking the hot seat for being the ‘trouble maker’ does make me sympathize with your mom. If my cousin bought the house beside mine, yeah, I would feel that is way to close for comfort and resent it. Perhaps not to the point of axing them out of my life, but yeah, I would feel that is inappropriate.

Angie
Click to expand...
To your first point, while I completely understand what you’re saying, my Dad isn’t the one in charge in their relationship. My mom is the one in charge. He has tried to get her to go to the doctor and she refuses. As she isn’t incompetent, he can’t force her, and if he tried she would make his life incredibly miserable.

To you second point- the house my cousin was buying was a house that belonged to my Mom. My parents’ property had two houses on it. My parents live in the main house, and they were renovating the other house for my cousin to buy. So it wasn’t a matter of my cousin just all of a sudden springing that on them, they were helping her to move next door, the idea being that when my Dad passes away they would have each other for company and help. My Dad is 13 years older than my Mom and has cancer and heart/blood pressure problems so he probably will pre-decease my Mom.
 
ThyKingdomCome said:
Could you say that raising your voice was unkind/disrespectful or hurtful to her? If so, an honest apology might sound something like: “Mom, I am really sad that we have this distance between us now. I am sorry for being unkind/disrespectful to you/being hurtful to you. I love you and miss you and want to have peace with you.”

Like the others, I immediately got the impression that there might be some sort of mental status problems with your mom like the beginning of dementia of some sort. She almost sounds paranoid, which would make sense for someone who is suddenly starting to become confused. Maybe this isn’t the case, but considering you’ve had a good relationship with her all your life, it certainly seems odd for everything suddenly to go downhill now. Because of that, I’d say it is worth it to swallow your pride and say what you can say to make peace with her. Obviously, you would like a good relationship with your mom again, but if there is something going on mentally, she and your step dad may really need your help.
Click to expand...
Yes, I could do that and I do believe that raising my voice was unkind and disrespectful and I would offer a sincere apology for that. My Dad says I shouldn’t call her, so I guess that’s leaving me with writing her a note or something, though.
 
AKDee said:
To your first point, while I completely understand what you’re saying, my Dad isn’t the one in charge in their relationship. My mom is the one in charge. He has tried to get her to go to the doctor and she refuses. As she isn’t incompetent, he can’t force her, and if he tried she would make his life incredibly miserable.

To you second point- the house my cousin was buying was a house that belonged to my Mom. My parents’ property had two houses on it. My parents live in the main house, and they were renovating the other house for my cousin to buy. So it wasn’t a matter of my cousin just all of a sudden springing that on them, they were helping her to move next door, the idea being that when my Dad passes away they would have each other for company and help. My Dad is 13 years older than my Mom and has cancer and heart/blood pressure problems so he probably will pre-decease my Mom.
Click to expand...
Ok, I didn’t realize that. I see your point now
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top