Need advice, under pressure from my boyfriend

[Patsi]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

 

[1ke]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

He is right. You are incompatible and should break up.

He is not the right man for you.

First, you do not share the same values, beliefs, and vision of marriage. Second, a person who pressures you do something you do not want to do is not someone you want to pursue a relationship and possible marriage with.

Find a devout Catholic man to share your life with.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.

You are correct. It is wrong. It is a grave sin against the Sixth Commandment.

He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it.

Honey, this is called manipulation. Not love.

He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from.

Nor will he ever. I am sorry you dated him this long and became so attached to him when you do not have a future together.

He rejects God. You worship God. How, exactly, did you see this ending other than as it now has?

I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly.

Break it off now. It will just get harder later.

He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.

Patsi, this is false. Sex and love are not the same thing.

He is giving you a line, and you are falling for it.

Move on.

The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

You need to learn how to “cope” without him. You need to learn to be true to yourself and to put God first.

And, yes, he would be using you. Believing his lies do not make them true. He is specifically asking you to do something he knows you believe to be gravely wrong in order to satisfy his own desires-- that is USING you.

Patsi, this line is as old as it gets. If I had a dime for every time I heard it or one of my friends heard it-- I’d be rich. He doesn’t “need to express his love” in this way. He WANTS the physcial pleasure of sex with you.

You are 29 but seem rather naive.

What country you are in, and whether or not you ever marry, is not relevant. You are called to chastity and to obedience to God. You are called to union with God first, and with your spouse (and only your spouse) second.

Find a Catholic man with whom you can share your faith and build a Catholic family.

 

[baltobetsy]

He is right. You are incompatible and should break up.

Dittos to this and the entire post! I hope you heed this excellent advice.

Betsy

 

[heathernoel]

What you have is not just respect for yourself and God, but respect for your husband. On your wedding night you are going to be able to give your entire self over to your husband to feel what can only come from a blessed union that God put together.

If he can’t respect that, then it’s HIS loss!

I am So very glad to know that in this day and age, someone cares that much for their spouse!

 

[TheRiver]

I’m a liberal Catholic when it comes to sexuality, and I do sleep around, however I think it’s wrong that he’s pressuring you like that especially when you don’t want to do it.

He’s playing that relationship card of breaking up if you don’t sleep with him, I can see this heading in the wrong direction if you do actually marry him and he has this mentality. I think you should stick to your guns, no one should be compelled by another to do something they don’t want to do, regardless of their differences in beliefs.

Very wrong of him, it seems like he knows that you can’t do without him and hence that’s why he’s playing that card, if give him this chance to play around with you like this, he will soon on move on to different things and take advantage of you.

Be strong, you made a decision in your life to wait until marriage, I didn’t and I regret it. Do what you believe is right for yourself.

Good luck Patsi.

 

[Catholic_Wife]

I totally agree with 1ke. Your differing religious views will make a lifetime together very difficult. And, even though some men feel “connected” through having sex, you should NEVER feel pressured to have sex by anyone. If your boyfriend doesn’t respect your views about this now, what will he be like when you are married and doesn’t agree with something you believe?

I know what it’s like to be in your late 20’s and not married. The worst thing you can do is get involved/stay involved with the wrong man for any reason. My advice is to break things off with this man, make a list of things you want in a husband (negotiables and non-negotiables), and take that list to God. I’ll be praying for you.

 

[musicality]

I couldn’t agree more with the previous poster. If you need further reasons, check out: chastity.com/
The website is affiliated with these forums and can also be accessed through the “CHASTITY” tab at the top of this web page.

I am sorry that your boyfriend is no longer willing to wait–love is something intangible, and can be expressed physically, but the type of physical expression is extremely serious. The act of intercourse is so intimate that it is essentially a vow of marriage. To think of it as less would be to disregard Catholic teaching.
I think you should consider what this means for your relationship. No one likes to end a relationship, but if he cannot respect your wishes, I would suggest that you no longer date.

God bless.

 

[Secret_Square]

If he is pressuring you to do something that you believe is wrong, then he does not really love you. Period. You should break it off as soon as possible.

The fact that you are a devout Catholic and he is an atheist and “far more liberal” than you further emphasizes your incompatibility. I wonder how on earth did you get along well enough to keep dating for over a year?

I also know what it’s like to be pushing 30 and wondering if I would end up being unmarried and therefore a virgin for the rest of my life. Fortunately I did meet a good Catholic guy and we have a wonderful daughter. Believe me, you will NOT regret having waited. For one thing, when you do finally marry, you won’t get bored or burned out on sex as quickly as do the women with more “experience.”

I would urge you to try one of the many online sites for Catholic singles like Ave Maria Singles. There you will find people who really do share your values. My brother met his wife this way and they were both almost 40 when they got married. So don’t give up!

 

[Julian0404]

What 1ke said, 100%.

 

[puzzleannie]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. .

what if he were pressuring you to steal cars, do drugs, or beat up old ladies? what would your reaction be to pressure to do any immoral action? Anyone–boyfriend, relative, girlfriend, co-worker, neighbor–who pressures you with emotional blackmail, physical coercion or any other technique is manipulating you for their own ends. This is hardly the basis for friendship or any healthy relationship, let alone courtship and marriage. Run like crazy in the opposite direction and find a real man, one who has learned the hallmark of manhood–self-control and who has the ultimate virtue for a husband–care and concern for the welfare of his wife.

 

[Art321]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

Wow. Let me give a point of view coming from a guy. I’m 19 and I would never force a girl to have sex. I truly believe in the saying “True Love Waits”. This right here says it all. If he TRULY LOVES YOU, then he will wait until marriage. I think that just by looking at your true love, that alone should satify you, but it seems that is not the case with your boyfriend. I don’t think anything good will come from a relationship if he doesn’t respect your beliefs. And besides, a true relationship doen’t last on have sex but on the communication the two have. A true example of this is of our mother and saint joseph.
Well, continue to stand in what you believe and I promise you only positive things will follow.

God bless,

Art321

 

[Inwe86]

If he really loves you he can wait. Don’t throw your virginity away to keep from “breaking his heart.” If he can’t wait, then you two may not be meant for each other.

 

[m134e5]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I suggest you break up with him. There are men out there who will respect your wishes to save sex until marriage, who will share your Catholic faith, and will encourage you in following what you believe to be right- rather than trying to convince you that you should do something you were taught is wrong.

There are many people your age and younger who have not saved sex for marriage- and they would do anything to undo that mistake. Virginity is a treasure- do your best to hold onto it until you can give it to your husband when you are married.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing. He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it

If it is an act of love as he says it is, then he will not ask for it from you when you do not want to give it to him. If he meant it as an act of love, he would not want to do it if it made you uncomfortable. He says you are breaking his heart by not doing this- does he care what he is doing to yours if you give in to his wishes? No- for him it is not an act of love, it is an act of selfishness. I apologize if this is harsh, but the truth often is harsh. He is not incomplete without sex- he is incomplete without God, and you would not be helping him by giving him what he thinks he wants- and leading him further from who he really needs.

He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.

As bad as it may sound, and as difficult as it may be to go through a break-up, it often is for the best. If he breaks up with you because you won’t have sex with him, did he really love you? It sounds to me like he wants to use you- that if you will not give him what he wants, he will get rid of you. Think carefully here- is this the man who you want to give yourself to? Is this the man you want to be the father of your children? Is this the man who you want to entrust your household’s physical and spiritual care to- when he threatens to leave you if he doesn’t get what he wants? Don’t let him leave you- pray that God will reveal His will for your life, and help you to find your vocation. If it is to marriage, God will lead you to the right person.

The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

Pray about it- and pray that God will put people in your life who can help you. That may not sound like it could be of much help- but, speaking from experience, I promise you, it does help.

I also suggest you break up with the boyfriend- quickly.

 

[Captain_America]

Patsi: I think you really by now have the answer: quite a few advise you that it’s just not the right relationship for you. In my book, I would also advise you to kindly and gently break off the relationship. This is for these reasons:

(1) the atheist-Catholic thing could well turn into a lifelong cold war or antagonism buried, or even overt and active, between the two of you; I note that many women get into relationships believing they have some mystic “power” to “change” their man into a better person, stop his destructive ways or turn him in some direction or other. . . but such efforts generally fail, especially since, by this time, the man is pretty confirmed in his particular direction, sometimes ruinous, and is very sensitive to efforts to change him; can easily pick up on such efforts and shuck them off, disregard them;

(2) I was once a man his age, and if he cannot wait or cannot respect your point of view, that suggests to me that either he’s unable to exercise prudence and self-restraint (and perhaps childish) or that he doesn’t really respect you; you are, after all, holding a valid perspective, some deeply important values to you;

The second point I think is the deal-killer. He really needs to respect your values.

 

[temperance_rose]

I have a question… If you do have sex there is nothing saying he will stay with you after that. I would read the book “Don’t take love lying down” it’s a great book in relation to this topic. I hope everything works out for you!
-Temperance

 

[Arwen037]

There is a big difference between him feeling that you don’t have to wait until marriage and him pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do. This isn’t about his beliefs about waiting for marriage, but about his lack of respect for you. And a lack of concern for your wishes isn’t something that will be fixed by having sex.

 

[JimG]

I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

On the contrary, he would be using you for sex. That is his intent. Obviously he has no concern for your morals. And yes, you can cope without him. You’ve wasted enough time on him. Move on. May God bless you abundantly.

 

[Incomplete]

As much as you feel you can’t cope without him, think of how you’ll cope if you give in and he eventually leaves you. If you are so compatible and in love, have you set a date yet?

Always put God first.

 

[GloriusMaximus]

Well you’re well in to that child-bearing age, and if he leaves it’s not always guaranteed you’ll find another guy soon, and if you do, there’s that discernment process, I say go for it, and enjoy life as best you can.

So when an unmarried person wants to have sex, they are using their significant other. When a husband wants to have sex, then it’s for love?

Failed logic.

Go for it Patsi.

 

[Spirithound]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

Patsi, you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You know it’s not right to sleep with a man you’re not married to. You gotta get rid of this guy and find a gentleman. I highly recommend volunteering at your parish, especially youth ministry. I know quite a few couples who have married after meeting volunteering in the parish.