Need advice, under pressure from my boyfriend

[Somerandom]

My advice:Go have sex with him. You will be happy you did.
There is nothing wrong with atheism, as a matter of fact it is proven that atheists have bigger penises than non-atheists which equates to better sex! This is a proven fact. Also marriage is a ******** institution that was used so you daddy could sell you to be ****ed by some other man. So the solution to avoiding this is to have sex with as many guys as you can.

 

[tjm190]

I remember when the trolls used clever drawn out antics rather than the instant gratification ‘lolz, l00k at watz i p0sted, i r so funniez’ style- it’s a sign of the times…

 

[Seatuck]

Although it doesn’t take an expert to see that this relationship has a slim at best chance of surviving and ‘euthanasia’ may be the more merciful option at this point, the assertion that the man in question would spend so much time in a relationship when all he was after was sex is a clear attempt to put this is overly black and white terms- It’s clear to me he cares about the OP, but sex is a key part of the relationship to him.

I think you are correct that from the limited info we have on the boyfriend it can be assumed that he does care about our OP to a point.

I think it also shows the the internal longing of his soul for God. Deep down he knows that without “communion” their relation is incomplete. He is correct. That is why lovemaking is reserved for marriage because it makes that commitment complete.Unfortunately this is coming out as a disordered part of the relationship as he seeks to exert pressure to get what he wants and not respect the OP who has the right sense of order in the relationship.I can only imagine this behavior will come out with other scenarios and issues as time goes on .That is if hasn’t already happened and our OP just hasn’t noticed yet.

Prayers for them both.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I remember when the trolls used clever drawn out antics rather than the instant gratification ‘lolz, l00k at watz i p0sted, i r so funniez’ style- it’s a sign of the times…

No one is doing this.

 

[Patsi]

Hi
I wanted to thank you all for your messages and advice on the subject. Some of you have said that he is using me etc and he just wants me for one thing. I do think that is unfair which is why i am in such a dilemma right now. Some have asked for more information on him so I will elaborate on the character of my boyfriend. He had a very different upbringing to mine and is in his early thirties. He is not perverse but believes that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with your girlfriend. This is also the opinion of most of my peers. Growing up in a western country i have always seen myself as quite different to most of my age group when it comes to these beliefs. I’ve met very few people who agree with me.

He is very loving and caring and has many great qualities I would want in a potential husband. He is a very good person and has been very loyal and commited to me. He has told me in the past that he can see himself marrying me and would like to have a family with me one day. He just believes that it is the natural step to take in a relationship and that without it he cannot feel close enough to me to make a lifelong commitment. He doesn’t understand my views on the subject. He has said that if i cannot take that step that ultimately he cannot keep waiting because it’s not natural to him and he would just get so frustrated and upset with me. He is in the majority with his views so I cannot blame him for feeling this way. It is just the way he was brought up so to him it is right.
I know what you mean when you say if he can’t wait then he doesn’t love you, which i have always believed myself. But all i can say is that my beliefs in this respect are so different to his that he just can’t see why i’m holding back and it hurts him.
I realise that i am in the minority when it comes to these beliefs but because of my upbringing I hold back from taking that step. Thank you for all your advice and I will keep reading whatever your views are.

 

[tjm190]

No one is doing this.

not since the trolls post was deleted

 

[Et_Cetera]

If you let him go, then you might be sorry. He sounds like a good person.

 

[mangy_dog]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

I am the father of a 29 year old daughter (one of three children, she’s the oldest).

6 years ago just before she married the father of her children (my grandchildren) I told her ( and so did the deacon) that this was not a good union and that they were incompatible. She insisted that I was wrong and they married.

For many years it was wonderful I loved him like a son and two beautiful grandchildren were (and still are) my joy.

Recently he has decided that he doesn’t care for the children or for her and wants a “speedy” divorce.

To me it feels like I’ve lost a son…and my daughter is devastated. They live nearby in the neighborhood and we guard the children carefully from any emotional or psychological harm.

Think ahead…

Love, Mangy dog.

 

[JimG]

He has told me in the past that he can see himself marrying me and would like to have a family with me one day.

When? A ring and a firm date would help.

He just believes that it is the natural step to take in a relationship and that without it he cannot feel close enough to me to make a lifelong commitment.

“If you have sex with me, maybe I’ll marry you.” That’s a pretty good line. It works for a lot of guys, but the results for the girl are not always good.

He doesn’t understand my views on the subject.

Obviously not. That is why it would very likely be a mistake to enter into marriage with a person whose views are so different from yours. Would you be married in the Church? Would you raise the children Catholic? Would he allow your daughters to sleep with their boyfriends? He expects you to throw your own moral views overboard (views which have been in the majority in Christendom for 2,000 years), and act according to his sexual ethics, or lack thereof. Is that really in your best interest?

 

[Arwen037]

Most of us live in western countries too. I have friends who had this whole “we don’t need a piece of paper” mentality. Well, they broke up and now the guy is spiraling downwards into awful drug use because he’s so depressed.

But again, this is NOT about his beliefs that you don’t have to wait for marriage. The problem here is that he doesn’t respect your beliefs. He doesn’t necessarily even have to understand them. But if he can’t accept that you need to wait and he won’t propose until after having sex, then it won’t work. He will always put his wants ahead of your needs.

What about when you don’t want to have sex because you’re too tired, or other reason. Instead of accepting that he’s either going to push it, or find another outlet. It’s not about his views on sex, but about his respect for your needs.

If he’s willing to actually get married, because he’s committed not just to get the sex, then it will probably work. But he needs to show that he respects you.

 

[dixieagle]

What we do know is that they are both in a relationship, she is attached to him, and he to her, him asking for sex doesn’t mean he’s perverse or using her, perhaps because he’s atheist he sees things differently, have any of you considered that point?

His understanding is different, this is where your assumptions have been running in quicker than a recruit late for a parade night.

Fail, try again.

Absolutely right…as an atheist, “he sees things differently”, e.g., he doesn’t view sex in the same way a practicing Catholic does: a sacred, holy act to take place in the context of a committed, sacramental marriage. And that is a dealbreaker.

If you profess to be Catholic, your understanding of the Catholic view of sexuality has “failed”.

 

[dixieagle]

He has told me in the past that he can see himself marrying me and would like to have a family with me one day. He just believes that it is the natural step to take in a relationship and that **without it he cannot feel close enough to me to make a lifelong commitment. **He doesn’t understand my views on the subject. He has said that if i cannot take that step that ultimately he cannot keep waiting because it’s not natural to him and he would just get so frustrated and upset with me. He is in the majority with his views so I cannot blame him for feeling this way. It is just the way he was brought up so to him it is right.

That is blackmail, pure and simple. It sounds as if he he wants to “audition” you sexually before making a permanent commitment.

Bottom line…he doesn’t understand your views, and apparently doesn’t respect them, or he would not be pressuring you.

It also raises questions as to what he would regard as acceptable, sexually, within marriage; if he is pressuring you now, I could well imagine him pressuring you into contraception, etc.

Your viewpoints with regard to marriage and sexuality are quite incompatible. I think you’re inviting heartache.

 

[DJgang]

Got to think further into this:

Marriage - what’s his belief on divorce? contraception? etc?

The very hardest thing in my marriage has been openness to life. My husband doesn’t want any more children, it’s very hard …

And if you were to have sex today, tonight with him … I would almost bet that he wants to use contraception.

Are you open to that?

It goes way beyond just having sex … there are so many issues and values that you are possibly about to give up … is he worth it? What about YOUR soul, not to mention his?

(you don’t have to answer me at all, I’m just posing questions for you to think about … you are in my prayers)

 

[dashso40]

Do NOT marry an atheist…BREAK UP with him NOW…No ONE should be pressured to do anything they don’t want to do!!!..He is a VERY BAD influence…GET RID OF HIM NOW…!!!Sorry to be so blunt…You can do a lot better than him!!!Sorry…I don’t mean to be cruel, but he is completely wrong…!!!

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer.

I have to ask, what is the alternative? If you stand firm in your beliefs and choose not to sleep with him, what will be his course of action?

He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I agree with 1ke on this one, “you are incompatible and should break up.” I do not like to say this too often. However, in reading the rest of your post, he does not leave you with much of an option. Being a atheist is going to be a continual battle with you no matter what he says. If you were to get married it would always be a source of disagreements between the two of you. How would he feel about going to Mass? Contraception? NFP? Raising your children? Family prayer? Christmas? Easter?

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.

So don’t do it. Don’t allow him to take something from you that is not his to take. It is being saved for your husband. Each time you tell him no, write a letter to your future husband and tell him that you saved yourself for him. Give him those letters on your wedding night, when you give him the greatest gift of all.

He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it.

And the sexual act would be incomplete without the wedding vows.

He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from.

And he won’t, he does not have the same beliefs as you.

I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly.

You would be devastated, possibly, but you would get over it. Is your soul not worth it?

He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner.

He has it wrong, you do knowwhat love is and that is why you will not give him this gift.

I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.

It is not about him anymore, it is all about you and your relationship with God. It is about your future husband.

The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people.

But think of how your future husband will feel on your wedding night.

I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him.

The thing is, you care more about him than he may ever even know.

I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

You can cope without him. Whether or not you think that he would be using you for sex or not, it is not right. Sex is for marriage, period. Your relationship is incomplete, you both need to keep searching.

 

[NoWhereMan]

Heres a story, My Sister, who was going with a fellow for awhile, then got engaged, once they were engaged, he said to her , now that we are engaged, dont you think it would be Ok to have sex, My Sister took off her ring, Gave it back to him & told him, don`t ever want to see You again, & she meant it, HOLD YOUR OWN, a lot of times once men get what they are after, they are gone. Good luck & Hope You meet someone with the same values You hold

 

[KrazyKaiju]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

Hello Patsi,

Hoping to help you with your problem, I’d like to address a few points below.

The following is a mildly angry rant. While some of the contents below are valuable, some people may be offended. Take this with a grain of salt.

1. God comes first. As far as I’m concerned, “breaking someone’s heart” shouldn’t have any bearing on the matter (no offense - I see you care for him deeply). If the relationship isn’t the kind that God would want. (Although I’m not sure what a “God-desirable relationship” is, I hope you see my point.)
2. Whether or not an act is an act of love is a very objective fact of the matter. There is no “act of love for him”. Either it is or it isn’t.
3. EIther he doesn’t know what love is or he can’t explain its significance properly. As an atheist, he can give many definitions of love (a certain pleasurable state of consciousness, a certain degree of camaraderie, sex - apparently, etc.). One of them may be right. Even if atheism were true, the atheist can’t explain why any of these things should be taken seriously. Don’t let his judgment get to you. (This may seem like blind atheist-bashing, but don’t take it that way. I took a class on moral theory and found that most of the atheist theories don’t work. If atheism is true, certain obligations can be thrown out the window.)
4. Social conventions prevent us from doing many things. They also ask us to do many things we don’t want to do. Is something right/true just because most people believe it? For example, was the world flat a few centuries ago? Although the majority rule may tempt you to conform, reason things out first.

End of angry rant

Sorry if anyone was offended. Feel free to comment your feelings about any of my points. I’ll try to clarify them in a more clear-minded manner.

Hope that helps,
-KrazyKaiju

 

[YipYupYep]

\ I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

Hello there,

It sounds like you cant cope with him more than without him. Having sex when you are not ready will transfer the problem from him onto you. He will have what he wants, leaving you to slug it out on the battlefield of your conscience.

In my judgment you should not be serious with a non catholic boy. You will see his horizon, but he will never see yours. Find another from amongst our kind.

YYY

 

[Maui71]

Hi
I wanted to thank you all for your messages and advice on the subject. Some of you have said that he is using me etc and he just wants me for one thing. I do think that is unfair which is why i am in such a dilemma right now. Some have asked for more information on him so I will elaborate on the character of my boyfriend. He had a very different upbringing to mine and is in his early thirties. He is not perverse but believes that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with your girlfriend. This is also the opinion of most of my peers. Growing up in a western country i have always seen myself as quite different to most of my age group when it comes to these beliefs. I’ve met very few people who agree with me.

He is very loving and caring and has many great qualities I would want in a potential husband. He is a very good person and has been very loyal and commited to me. He has told me in the past that he can see himself marrying me and would like to have a family with me one day. He just believes that it is the natural step to take in a relationship and that without it he cannot feel close enough to me to make a lifelong commitment. He doesn’t understand my views on the subject. He has said that if i cannot take that step that ultimately he cannot keep waiting because it’s not natural to him and he would just get so frustrated and upset with me. He is in the majority with his views so I cannot blame him for feeling this way. It is just the way he was brought up so to him it is right.
I know what you mean when you say if he can’t wait then he doesn’t love you, which i have always believed myself. But all i can say is that my beliefs in this respect are so different to his that he just can’t see why i’m holding back and it hurts him.
I realise that i am in the minority when it comes to these beliefs but because of my upbringing I hold back from taking that step. Thank you for all your advice and I will keep reading whatever your views are.

He is a very good person and has been very loyal and commited to me. He has told me in the past that he can see himself marrying me and would like to have a family with me one day.

Ok when, tomorrow, next year, 2016, do you have a ring? If you do not have an answer to this then it is pie in the sky.

He just believes that it is the natural step to take in a relationship and that without it he cannot feel close enough to me to make a lifelong commitment.

Yea really, then why is he not with the other girls he slept with before meeting you? Did he find out after fornication that well it really wasn’t that close? Will you be next?

He has said that if i cannot take that step that ultimately he cannot keep waiting because it’s not natural to him and he would just get so frustrated and upset with me

You are not saying that you will not take that step only that it is not the first step. He needs to take the first and second steps before you take the third. Step One he gives you a ring and a wedding date. Step Two you both take the vows. Then he can have step three. Love is not a feeling, an emotion, it is a sacrifice. Look to the Cross for your definition of love.

But all i can say is that my beliefs in this respect are so different to his that he just can’t see why i’m holding back and it hurts him.

So let’s assume you are going to take the 3 steps. Are his beliefs so different that your children won’t be raised Catholic? Are they so different that he will insist on teaching them atheism? This is really the next logical step in assessing your relationship. Will it bear fruit and if it does will the fruit bear roots?

 

[GloriusMaximus]

Some of you should just stop giving advice, the way a few of you have broken down her posts offering refutations is just ridiculous, it’s not a philosophical discourse you thickies.

It’s up to her to choose what she wants to do now, she’s 29, not 10, give it up.