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wanner47
Guest
Is name-calling really appropriate?
I think the advice given thus far has been very helpful, and should help the OP examine her beliefs closely and decide just what’s important in her life.
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I think the advice given thus far has been very helpful, and should help the OP examine her beliefs closely and decide just what’s important in her life.
Y
YipYupYep
Guest
I guess you did not read the OPs post… Why don’t you try that first before you shoot off your mouth.
G
GloriusMaximus
Guest
I did read them, both of them. Perhaps you should take a step back to think if your assumptions are going to cause you too look like an ignoramus. What mouth anyways? I wasn’t talking, it was typing, well done on that effort.
I said “some” of you, they are all the same regurgitated statements anyways, either someone’s for, or against, or unsure. 3 different views, and the “against” position has been exhausted, give it a rest.
Get it now?
I guess not, there’s the line for the cliff.
W
wanner47
Guest
Ironic, considering that you’re the one advocating the current party line of modern society to the OP.
On this particular issue, faithful, practicing Catholics are actually counter-cultural. So who’s the lemming, exactly?
S
surritter
Guest
Tell him is is breaking your heart by wanting to partake of an act which requires a life-long commitment without publicly proclaiming such a commitment!
K
Kay_Cee
Guest
Patsi:
Would it be okay for you to pressure him to go against his conscience?
If not, why is it okay for him to do that to you?
Would it be okay for you to pressure him to go against his conscience?
If not, why is it okay for him to do that to you?
L
LittleSoldier
Guest
Hi Patsi!! I noticed where you stated that you don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. And just from that very statement, not even bringing in Church teaching at this point, I would say that you should not sleep with him. If he loves you, why is there this huge pressure to have sex before marriage?
Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.
I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.
You are young. I know you don’t think so, but you are. Looking back on where I was at your age, I can see that.
You have time, you have your convictions, and most importantly, you have Truth. As a Catholic you know that fornication is a sin. Yet your boyfriend wants this so badly that he is willing to have you sin in order to please him? That just doesn’t make sense. Your boyfriend is willing to allow you to turn your back on your faith and your convictions in order to show love to you? Does that sound right?
I know you love him. But I question his love for you. Why is he putting so much pressure on you? Because he wants to show his love? Why doesn’t he show his love and show respect for you at the same time? If he really loves you he won’t pressure you if you tell him to stop. If he keeps pressuring you, then I think he is not showing respect for you, and without respect there is no love.
If you need to let him go, do it. I know it feels horrible (been there, done that). And it is horrible, for a time. After awhile it doesn’t seem quite so horrible. And after that, you will most likely meet another man who truly loves you and respects you and then you will think how lucky you are that you didn’t succumb to the pressure from your current boyfriend.
We need to stand up for our convictions. Deep down in your heart you know you are right about not sleeping with him. Your Faith backs it up. He may not understand this (as he is an atheist) but he needs to respect you. By pressuring you over and over, he is not showing respect and love.
My prayers are with you!
L
LittleSoldier
Guest
Hi Patsi!! I noticed where you stated that you don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. And just from that very statement, not even bringing in Church teaching at this point, I would say that you should not sleep with him. If he loves you, why is there this huge pressure to have sex before marriage?
You are young. I know you don’t think so, but you are. Looking back on where I was at your age, I can see that.
You have time, you have your convictions, and most importantly, you have Truth. As a Catholic you know that fornication is a sin. Yet your boyfriend wants this so badly that he is willing to have you sin in order to please him? That just doesn’t make sense. Your boyfriend is willing to allow you to turn your back on your faith and your convictions in order to show love to you? Does that sound right?
I know you love him. But I question his love for you. Why is he putting so much pressure on you? Because he wants to show his love? Why doesn’t he show his love and show respect for you at the same time? If he really loves you he won’t pressure you if you tell him to stop. If he keeps pressuring you, then I think he is not showing respect for you, and without respect there is no love.
If you need to let him go, do it. I know it feels horrible (been there, done that). And it is horrible, for a time. After awhile it doesn’t seem quite so horrible. And after that, you will most likely meet another man who truly loves you and respects you and then you will think how lucky you are that you didn’t succumb to the pressure from your current boyfriend.
We need to stand up for our convictions. Deep down in your heart you know you are right about not sleeping with him. Your Faith backs it up. He may not understand this (as he is an atheist) but he needs to respect you. By pressuring you over and over, he is not showing respect and love.
My prayers are with you!
You are young. I know you don’t think so, but you are. Looking back on where I was at your age, I can see that.
You have time, you have your convictions, and most importantly, you have Truth. As a Catholic you know that fornication is a sin. Yet your boyfriend wants this so badly that he is willing to have you sin in order to please him? That just doesn’t make sense. Your boyfriend is willing to allow you to turn your back on your faith and your convictions in order to show love to you? Does that sound right?
I know you love him. But I question his love for you. Why is he putting so much pressure on you? Because he wants to show his love? Why doesn’t he show his love and show respect for you at the same time? If he really loves you he won’t pressure you if you tell him to stop. If he keeps pressuring you, then I think he is not showing respect for you, and without respect there is no love.
If you need to let him go, do it. I know it feels horrible (been there, done that). And it is horrible, for a time. After awhile it doesn’t seem quite so horrible. And after that, you will most likely meet another man who truly loves you and respects you and then you will think how lucky you are that you didn’t succumb to the pressure from your current boyfriend.
We need to stand up for our convictions. Deep down in your heart you know you are right about not sleeping with him. Your Faith backs it up. He may not understand this (as he is an atheist) but he needs to respect you. By pressuring you over and over, he is not showing respect and love.
My prayers are with you!
L
LittleSoldier
Guest
PLEASE leave her alone. She asked for advice. She asked for advice. She asked for advice. Get it?
M
MusicMAM
Guest
Patsi -
One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard at a nuptial mass was about how each spouse should be dedicated to helping the other get to heaven. You deserve someone who will help you get to heaven! You deserve someone who will respect your values and morals - and help you live them out.
Some good resources might be:
John Paul II’s Theology of the Body (Christopher West has some very accessible books)
and “Three to Get Married” by Fulton Sheen (my boyfriend and I enjoyed his stuff on staking your eternal salvation on your marriage)
I’m living proof (at 31) you’re not going to explode if you keep waiting.
Once I put finding someone who could participate in our faith (as opposed to just showing up on Sunday like my previous boyfriends) and help me get to heaven at the top of my list, I found someone who will do just that. You can, too - in God’s time. If you’ve been waiting for 29 years, I know you can wait until you find someone you’re willing to stake your eternal salvation on.
Good luck - you’ll be in my prayers!
PS: Wear your chastity proudly - it’s a great opportunity to be a light on a hill for the messed up culture we live in!
One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard at a nuptial mass was about how each spouse should be dedicated to helping the other get to heaven. You deserve someone who will help you get to heaven! You deserve someone who will respect your values and morals - and help you live them out.
Some good resources might be:
John Paul II’s Theology of the Body (Christopher West has some very accessible books)
and “Three to Get Married” by Fulton Sheen (my boyfriend and I enjoyed his stuff on staking your eternal salvation on your marriage)
I’m living proof (at 31) you’re not going to explode if you keep waiting.
Once I put finding someone who could participate in our faith (as opposed to just showing up on Sunday like my previous boyfriends) and help me get to heaven at the top of my list, I found someone who will do just that. You can, too - in God’s time. If you’ve been waiting for 29 years, I know you can wait until you find someone you’re willing to stake your eternal salvation on.Good luck - you’ll be in my prayers!
PS: Wear your chastity proudly - it’s a great opportunity to be a light on a hill for the messed up culture we live in!
C
crohnie4life
Guest
Patsi, I was in a similar situation when I was in my early 20’s. I was in love w/my first boyfriend but he pressured me to do things I wasn’t comfortable with (he was raised Catholic but only went to mass if his parents had volunteered for a church event). When I said no he said he understood but then I found later on he cheated on me AND was into porn!!! That’s NOT love!!! He said he loved me but then turned around and found someone else who’d give in to his urges.
Needless to say, we broke up the day after my 21st birthday. Did it hurt? sure it did. Did I think I could never live w/o him? for a time I did but then I realized God has something better in store for me. I kept busy w/work/family/friends and got involved in volunteer work.
I met my now DH when I was 27. He was everything I wanted in a husband: someone who had the same morals/values I was looking for in a mate. Also, it helped that he wanted to start our relationship off by going to mass together every Sunday & keeping Christ in the center of our friendship. He never pressured me once while dating to do something that made me feel uncomfortable or compromise what I believed in.
I am so happy that I never married my 1st love, as it would have ended in divorce. The Lord gave me someone who doesn’t use me to satisfy his urges, treats me as a person, is the spiritual head of our household, etc. We both also have the same belief that marriage is for 2 people to help each other get into heaven.
Does your boyfriend feel the same way—wanting to help get you into heaven? Will he allow (if you do get married) the children be raised in the Catholic faith? Does he support NFP as a means to space having a family? These are things you should think about.
Love isn’t about satisfying one’s hormonal urges. It’s giving of oneself 100 x over w/o keeping score. If he can’t respect you as a person, then it is time to move on.
Praying for you.
Needless to say, we broke up the day after my 21st birthday. Did it hurt? sure it did. Did I think I could never live w/o him? for a time I did but then I realized God has something better in store for me. I kept busy w/work/family/friends and got involved in volunteer work.
I met my now DH when I was 27. He was everything I wanted in a husband: someone who had the same morals/values I was looking for in a mate. Also, it helped that he wanted to start our relationship off by going to mass together every Sunday & keeping Christ in the center of our friendship. He never pressured me once while dating to do something that made me feel uncomfortable or compromise what I believed in.
I am so happy that I never married my 1st love, as it would have ended in divorce. The Lord gave me someone who doesn’t use me to satisfy his urges, treats me as a person, is the spiritual head of our household, etc. We both also have the same belief that marriage is for 2 people to help each other get into heaven.
Does your boyfriend feel the same way—wanting to help get you into heaven? Will he allow (if you do get married) the children be raised in the Catholic faith? Does he support NFP as a means to space having a family? These are things you should think about.
Love isn’t about satisfying one’s hormonal urges. It’s giving of oneself 100 x over w/o keeping score. If he can’t respect you as a person, then it is time to move on.
Praying for you.
B
babyOnTHEway
Guest
He is right. You are catholic and he is athiest. you and him will never see eye to eye on so many different levels and issues. It’s better to end it now. This is why the bible says do not be yoked to someone who is not like you (a christian). You will only bring problems on for both of you. It’s time to accept that even though you love him, it’s not meant to be and you need to end it.
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TinaG
Guest
Patsi,
I feel for you. I really do. You have been given some GREAT advice here. You are caught between two things of great value to you. One of them must go. You know which one, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to break up with him. You cannot trust your own emotions, and especially you cannot trust his. Or him. The creep. It will hurt like nothing you’ve ever known but not as much as continuing the relationship…And pleasing God is worth more than all the earth and everything on it!
Big hug
-Tina
I feel for you. I really do. You have been given some GREAT advice here. You are caught between two things of great value to you. One of them must go. You know which one, and the longer you wait the harder it will be to break up with him. You cannot trust your own emotions, and especially you cannot trust his. Or him. The creep. It will hurt like nothing you’ve ever known but not as much as continuing the relationship…And pleasing God is worth more than all the earth and everything on it!
Big hug
-Tina
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Timbothefiveth
Guest
You’re not thinking like a man, much less a non-religious man with hormones going. Having experiance with both, he sounds like a nice guy in general, however, I don’t think he’s pressuring you to do this because he’s emotionally hurt. I think he wants to have sex.
If he truly will leave you just because you want to wait, that’s not a healthy relationship, it means he’s only willing to stay with you if you provide him with sexual pleasure. If he truly loves you he’d be willing to stay with you regardless.
Finally, if you do give in, now what? There’s no guarantee he’ll stay with you. Stick with God instead.
C
chevalier
Guest
I would spend some time explaining your views to him if you care for him so that he has a chance of understanding. You could ask him to read a book for you - not even so that he would consider converting but so that he would understand your position better (after all, if you want to spend your life with someone, why wouldn’t you read a short book when asked?). If he really is a nice guy and his beliefs are a result of today’s culture he’s been exposed to and not of hedonism, then you could tell him it has nothing to do with a rejection of him, but that you want a relationship which is full and holy, which is forever and which is to be open to life and bring new life about. Yes, sex is an expression of love, but an expression due when that love has taken the form of the ultimate covenant - the sacramental marriage for Christians and natural marriage for others (which is not ultimate, but as close as they are getting).
But if he won’t accept that and puts it in “either or” terms, then he’s already made his choice.
But if he won’t accept that and puts it in “either or” terms, then he’s already made his choice.
C
crohnie4life
Guest
Here’s a hypothetical. If he pressured you to do drugs to get high w/him so he could feel close to you, would you jeparodize your health/well being for a few minutes of feeling good that would eventually go away?
I was taught that if a guy ever said to me, “if you truly loved me ,you would”. I’d respond, “if you TRULY LOVED me, you wouldn’t.”
Have him read Theology of the Body by Christopher West or something similar. If he refuses, then you have your answer. Your well being, health, and morals are way too precious to give up just for a few minutes to satisfy your boyfriend’s self centeredness/hormonal urges. Doesn’t he want to have Christ in the center of your relationship so as you both can help each other get into heaven? Does he believe in heaven? These are things to consider.
Has he ever been tested for STDS, HPV, AIDS?? I’d have him tested before even committing if he’s been around the block one too many times. IF he truly loves you, he’d have a physical to make sure that he won’t give you any incurable diseases if you both decide to marry. (really really think about what’s been posted to make a decision).
Isn’t your eternal well being more important that giving in to his self centeredness???
praying for you.
I was taught that if a guy ever said to me, “if you truly loved me ,you would”. I’d respond, “if you TRULY LOVED me, you wouldn’t.”
Have him read Theology of the Body by Christopher West or something similar. If he refuses, then you have your answer. Your well being, health, and morals are way too precious to give up just for a few minutes to satisfy your boyfriend’s self centeredness/hormonal urges. Doesn’t he want to have Christ in the center of your relationship so as you both can help each other get into heaven? Does he believe in heaven? These are things to consider.
Has he ever been tested for STDS, HPV, AIDS?? I’d have him tested before even committing if he’s been around the block one too many times. IF he truly loves you, he’d have a physical to make sure that he won’t give you any incurable diseases if you both decide to marry. (really really think about what’s been posted to make a decision).
Isn’t your eternal well being more important that giving in to his self centeredness???
praying for you.
M
manualman
Guest
He’s not a creep. He’s a guy. He doesn’t believe like we do, so he’s just expressing how he feels when he says those things. I was 29 when I married, my wife is my first and only. I know how he feels right now, and it ain’t fun. But just because he isn’t twirling an evil mustache doesn’t mean what he is doing isn’t evil. It IS evil, even though he doesn’t intend for it to be.
The problem here is that we humans seem to forget that Original Sin broke something inside us. Our FEELINGS are no longer a reliable guide because they are tainted by that sin. This guy sincerely believes that chastity is holding you both back from a better relationship. He isn’t being a creep, but he’s still dead wrong and still pressuring you to do evil. That’s just plain toxic in a relationship.
He doesn’t get it, he doesn’t respect your convictions, he isn’t putting your desires and needs first. He isn’t husband material for a fine christian woman. He might be a great guy by human standards. But that simply isn’t enough. Humans are too broken to ever achieve heaven without Grace. Don’t shackle yourself to one who refuses to accept that fact.
You face a choice: Feelings or Faith. One is the wide road that leads to destruction. The other is the narrow path that leads to salvation. Choose wisely.
The problem here is that we humans seem to forget that Original Sin broke something inside us. Our FEELINGS are no longer a reliable guide because they are tainted by that sin. This guy sincerely believes that chastity is holding you both back from a better relationship. He isn’t being a creep, but he’s still dead wrong and still pressuring you to do evil. That’s just plain toxic in a relationship.
He doesn’t get it, he doesn’t respect your convictions, he isn’t putting your desires and needs first. He isn’t husband material for a fine christian woman. He might be a great guy by human standards. But that simply isn’t enough. Humans are too broken to ever achieve heaven without Grace. Don’t shackle yourself to one who refuses to accept that fact.
You face a choice: Feelings or Faith. One is the wide road that leads to destruction. The other is the narrow path that leads to salvation. Choose wisely.
L
ldelangel
Guest
Everyone on this post has given you great advice, and I bet you probably know already what you should do about the situation.
You may love this man and you may feel you have already shared with him so much to have to just break up…
But you seem to be a very strong woman who knows what she wants and is trying to seek good counsel, so I can bet you will find the strength to know you deserve a man who will share your strengths not go against them. You cannot change this man.
My story:
My fiance and I have always felt it would be wrong to live together before we are married. Problem is we would still stay the night at each other’s places and pretend like we were not living together. After we got engaged it suddenly hit me with the weight of guilt that I am fooling myself and I still have a chance in this time before we get married to refrain from cohabiting and physical intimacy.
I have been recording my failings and successes in a blog and would be very grateful to have feedback! here is the link if you are interested: tryingtowaituntilmarriage.blogspot.com/
thanks
el
You may love this man and you may feel you have already shared with him so much to have to just break up…
But you seem to be a very strong woman who knows what she wants and is trying to seek good counsel, so I can bet you will find the strength to know you deserve a man who will share your strengths not go against them. You cannot change this man.
My story:
My fiance and I have always felt it would be wrong to live together before we are married. Problem is we would still stay the night at each other’s places and pretend like we were not living together. After we got engaged it suddenly hit me with the weight of guilt that I am fooling myself and I still have a chance in this time before we get married to refrain from cohabiting and physical intimacy.
I have been recording my failings and successes in a blog and would be very grateful to have feedback!
here is the link if you are interested: tryingtowaituntilmarriage.blogspot.com/thanks
el
J
John21652
Guest
Here’s a man’s perspective - don’t sleep with him.
Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.
I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.
A year and a half is more than long enough for a man to make up his mind as to whether or not he wants to marry a girl. If he really loved you he would respect your values, and propose. If he doesn’t value you enough to marry you and secondly, to respect your values, then he isn’t the real McCoy.
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