Need advice, under pressure from my boyfriend

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Patsi said:
Hi
I wanted to thank you all for your messages and advice on the subject. Some of you have said that he is using me etc and he just wants me for one thing. I do think that is unfair which is why i am in such a dilemma right now. Some have asked for more information on him so I will elaborate on the character of my boyfriend. He had a very different upbringing to mine and is in his early thirties. He is not perverse but believes that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with your girlfriend. This is also the opinion of most of my peers. Growing up in a western country i have always seen myself as quite different to most of my age group when it comes to these beliefs. I’ve met very few people who agree with me.

He is very loving and caring and has many great qualities I would want in a potential husband. He is a very good person and has been very loyal and commited to me. He has told me in the past that he can see himself marrying me and would like to have a family with me one day. He just believes that it is the natural step to take in a relationship and that without it he cannot feel close enough to me to make a lifelong commitment. He doesn’t understand my views on the subject. He has said that if i cannot take that step that ultimately he cannot keep waiting because it’s not natural to him and he would just get so frustrated and upset with me. He is in the majority with his views so I cannot blame him for feeling this way. It is just the way he was brought up so to him it is right.
I know what you mean when you say if he can’t wait then he doesn’t love you, which i have always believed myself. But all i can say is that my beliefs in this respect are so different to his that he just can’t see why i’m holding back and it hurts him.
I realise that i am in the minority when it comes to these beliefs but because of my upbringing I hold back from taking that step. Thank you for all your advice and I will keep reading whatever your views are.
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dear Patsi, your eternal soul is worth more. I know it must be very hard for you in this situation… prayers for you…
 
GloriusMaximus said:
Well you’re well in to that child-bearing age, and if he leaves it’s not always guaranteed you’ll find another guy soon, and if you do, there’s that discernment process, I say go for it, and enjoy life as best you can.

So when an unmarried person wants to have sex, they are using their significant other. When a husband wants to have sex, then it’s for love?

Failed logic.

Go for it Patsi.
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you have given advise for her to go and sin??? are you serious??:mad:
 
I realise that i am in the minority when it comes to these beliefs but because of my upbringing I hold back from taking that step. Thank you for all your advice and I will keep reading whatever your views are.
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Being in a minority does ***not ***make you wrong!

In fact a Stanford University study shows that people with minority views have a clearer sense of self and know themselves better.

Your boyfriend has been with you for a year and a half. He must know and understand you. The moral code you live by is what makes you the unique individual you are and is part of the “you” that your boy friend says he loves. So, don’t compromise who and what you are.

If you let him, or anyone else compromise your values, then to what extent will that compromising go to. If you let him, or anyone else compromise who and what you are, then they will be sent a signal by you that your core values were not that important anyway and they will ask for more and more. If your values are compromised just a little, then you have taken the first step onto a slippery slope whereby more and more of those core values will be compromised.

Your boyfriend fell for you because of what and who you are. Stay that way.

A generation or two ago, your views were in the majority. Society allowed itself to begin relaxing its morality and stepped onto that slippery slope. Today, look at and measure the cost.


Thy foolish passions: learn thou to subdue them.
Be sober, diligent, and chaste; avoid all wrath.
In public or in secret ne’er permit thou
any evil; and above all else respect thyself.
 
I would advise you to break it off. You are doing the right thing by refusing and saving your Soul which is the most important thing. Life is hard enough by marrying someone of another religion apart from marrying someone who is a non beleiver.
I would suggest you say the Rosary every day and ask God and his Blessed Mother for a good catholic man that will love and respect you and not lead you into mortal sin.
I am recently widowed and I was looking for a nice lady to spend the rest of my life with. I did not want anyone who was not a good catholic and had good morals.
God sent me such a lady. Because we are both devout catholics we are building our future on a solid moral foundation we will be happy together. When we are together she can totally be at ease because she knows in her Heart that I will never do or ask her to do anything that would cause her or I to commit sin. One of the first things I told her was that she could feel safe and secure with me.
The more we get know each other the deeper i am falling in love with her.
I will keep you in my prayers that you will meet a good catholic man.

Antrim
 
Patsi said:
Hi
I wanted to thank you all for your messages and advice on the subject. Some of you have said that he is using me etc and he just wants me for one thing. I do think that is unfair which is why i am in such a dilemma right now. Some have asked for more information on him so I will elaborate on the character of my boyfriend. He had a very different upbringing to mine and is in his early thirties. He is not perverse but believes that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with your girlfriend. This is also the opinion of most of my peers. Growing up in a western country i have always seen myself as quite different to most of my age group when it comes to these beliefs. I’ve met very few people who agree with me.

He is very loving and caring and has many great qualities I would want in a potential husband. He is a very good person and has been very loyal and commited to me. He has told me in the past that he can see himself marrying me and would like to have a family with me one day. He just believes that it is the natural step to take in a relationship and that without it he cannot feel close enough to me to make a lifelong commitment. He doesn’t understand my views on the subject. He has said that if i cannot take that step that ultimately he cannot keep waiting because it’s not natural to him and he would just get so frustrated and upset with me. He is in the majority with his views so I cannot blame him for feeling this way. It is just the way he was brought up so to him it is right.
I know what you mean when you say if he can’t wait then he doesn’t love you, which i have always believed myself. But all i can say is that my beliefs in this respect are so different to his that he just can’t see why i’m holding back and it hurts him.
I realise that i am in the minority when it comes to these beliefs but because of my upbringing I hold back from taking that step. Thank you for all your advice and I will keep reading whatever your views are.
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What a wonderful woman you are - he is very fortunate and I do believe that you have a strong relationship - after all you have been together for a year and half… please allow me to give you the advice we gave our kids (not that they all followed it:() ---- if you wait there is no chance you will have anything to regret on your wedding night - if you do not there are several situations that can come to pass that will leave you with regret - the biggest being that you don’t marry him - then you are in another relationship with someone else and you have already given this gift of yourself before - if he can truly see you raising a family together, then what is he waiting for? It does sound like he is asking you to prove that you love him by asking you to compromising your views -

I am sure he does love you - and you love him, but this difference in values - as others have noted - is just one of many that may come up as a couple - what are you going to do about birth control? NFP really only works with two committed parties. What are you going to do about the education of your children, and their being practicing Catholics - will he participate? Will he disregard the values that are important to you that you wish to pas on to your children? It is difficult enough to live as married people - my husband and I have always thought of our marriage as a three party agreement - God and the two of us - and honestly over the past 33 years if it weren’t for this Sacrament the many challenges would have been too difficult to overcome.

I know it sounds heartless to say break it off - because you have so much invested in this relationship already - but looking to the future you want for yourself - you deserve a relationship with someone who DOES get it - and sadly walking away from this relationship may be the only way to get that… his insistence that you compromise your values and your sticking to them may help you open the door and walk through it to a future you deserve… I think it is scary, Will you really find someone? Is there anyone else out there that has the same values? Time to trust that God has chosen someone for you, and at this point you have to ask yourself if this is who God has chosen for you to spend your life with.

I will be praying for you dear…
 
And apropos of nothing, may I add this little nugget of truth that you didn’t confront this time but will sometime later (and hence makes for a great topic to explore with anyone you think about having a physical relationship with)

You can find it here:

payingattentiontothesky.com/2009/07/27/her-choice-her-problem-how-abortion-empowers-men/

A teaser:

‘Abortion facilitates women’s heterosexual availability,’ MacKinnon pointed out: ‘In other words, under conditions of gender inequality [abortion] does not liberate women; it frees male sexual aggression. The availability of abortion removes the one remaining legitimized reason that women have had for refusing sex besides the headache.’ Perhaps that is why, she observed, ‘the Playboy Foundation has supported abortion rights from day one.’ In the end, MacKinnon pronounced, Roe’s ‘right to privacy looks like an injury got up as a gift,’ for ‘virtually every ounce of control that women won’ from legalized abortion ‘has gone directly into the hands of men.’

dj
 
Never let anyone give you an ultimatum about how you want to run YOUR life.I don’t care if it’s sex or the color of your nail polish.If you give into another person’s ultimatums you give yourself away, you lose a little part of yourself-it becomes his way or the highway.Threats are not a good way to form a relationship.If you marry you’d be in for the long haul of disagreements,arguments and concessions that you shouldn’t be making…And if you have kids-oy vey-really bad.! I would never marry an atheist- especially one that makes demands.Kick him to the curb.
you didn’t come with a marriage experation date . take your time and find the right guy-one who doesn’t make threats, demands and ultimatums.But someone who is kind considerate and on the same wavelength as you.
 
Patsi said:
😦
Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.
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Your ‘boyfriend’ is right in this sense: he says that if you won’t sleep with him, then both of you are not compatible and should break up. You need to find someone who believes in you and respects your dignity. I don’t care how much “heart break” he says you are causing him (sounds like hormones to me, actually). And yes, you can cope without him. If you feel that you can’t, then you have invested too much of your own emotions and relied on him for things you should be able to do for yourself.

Of course he would be using you for sex. Why else would he make such a commotion about your going to bed with him? Suggest strongly to him that both of you should get married, and it must be in Church. If both of you are meant for each other, I think he would make this sacrifice and honor your request. If not, then start looking elsewhere.

Don’t sacrifice your own dignity as a person just to give in to what he wants.
 
peary said:
Of course he would be using you for sex. Why else would he make such a commotion about your going to bed with him? Suggest strongly to him that both of you should get married, and it must be in Church. If both of you are meant for each other, I think he would make this sacrifice and honor your request. If not, then start looking elsewhere.

Don’t sacrifice your own dignity as a person just to give in to what he wants.
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The advice given by peary is very sound and is what I was trying to get at in my post No#81. If he really, really loves you, he should be chafing at the bit to marry you. If he is only chafing at the bit to hop into bed with you, after a year and a half, then he is just leading you on. There is nothing wrong with bringing up the subject of marriage in forthright terms. After all, it’s your life too.
 
Patsi said:
😦
Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.
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You are 29 and should be able to figure this out on your own. If you want advise though, I will be happy to give it. In a nut shell " DUMP THIS LOSER" . i recommend you get on with your life and find someone you will be truly happy with.
 
1ke said:
He is right. You are incompatible and should break up.
He is not the right man for you.
First, you do not share the same values, beliefs, and vision of marriage. Second, a person who pressures you do something you do not want to do is not someone you want to pursue a relationship and possible marriage with.
Find a devout Catholic man to share your life with.
He rejects God. You worship God. How, exactly, did you see this ending other than as it now has?
Break it off now. It will just get harder later.
Move on.
You need to learn how to “cope” without him. You need to learn to be true to yourself and to put God first.
Find a Catholic man with whom you can share your faith and build a Catholic family.
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I fully agree with 1ke here!
Let me give you the perspective from someone who fell for this and show you what may happen to you if you do.
First off, I wasn’t raised Catholic, but the results are the same.
I was much younger than you when this line was used on me, I got pregnant, he left me.
I hooked up with another guy, got pregnant, he beat me, and I left him.
First guy came back, I married him, got pregnant again, he beat me and then left me (now with three children)
Hooked up with yet another guy, got pregnant, he beat me and I left him.
It was like an endless cycle.
Now, later in life, I meet who I think is Mr. Right, one problem, he doesn’t believe in God. I marry him thinking everything will be fine… nope.
We’re still married, him being atheist, me now finding God and going through RCIA.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is trying to serve God, go to Mass, and do what you are supposed to do when your spouse fights you at every turn? Try being at Mass alone the rest of your life, not having anyone to share your beliefs with, not having the support that you should have according to God in your spouse. It’s a very, very hard road to walk… trust me.
So you have two main issues here that I see… first and foremost, you are with someone that will make your life awful because your beliefs are completely opposite. If you end up marrying this man, you will do one of two things, either serve God and be very lonely without any spiritual support from your husband, or you’ll cave to his way of thinking and lose your faith in the process- Your faith is FAR TOO IMPORTANT to cave on.
Secondly, you have his pressuring you to do something you KNOW is wrong. If you do cave to his pressure, you could end up in the same situation I’m in, getting pregnant, him leaving you and being a single mom looking for Mr. Right for years.
Although my situation is a bit different, I know first hand what both of these choices can do to your life. This is not what God wants for you. Now I have to wait for an annulment to even be able to have Sacraments, which is very hard as well.
I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever the tribunal decides, I’m going with, even if that means I’ll be single the rest of my life. Why? Because my faith is too important to me to.
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have caved to the pressure, and I wouldn’t be married to an atheist.
 
Take this from a girl who was in almost the exact same situation once before. Don’t do it.

Any man who truly loves you won’t tell you that you have to have sex with him or you’ll leave him. He is being selfish, lustful, and cowardly since he wants you to give him your everything and he isn’t willing to put a ring on your finger.

Will it hurt when he leaves? yes. I refused to “put out” for a guy in high school and I found him then cheating on me, and I left him. Did it break my heart? Absolutely. He was my first real boyfriend, and I was REALLY attached to him. I thought i loved him and I thought that he loved me, but he was just trying to get laid. 3 years later I met my husband, I still a virgin, and he as well. He was older than I was, but we were both committed to waiting. I am proud to say that I married a 26 year old virgin, and waiting for our wedding night was the best thing we ever did for ourselves and each other.

Don’t sleep with this man. And if he doesn’t leave you when you refuse, leave him. He’s no good, and you deserve so much better.
 
Patsi said:
Hi
I wanted to thank you all for your messages and advice on the subject. Some of you have said that he is using me etc and he just wants me for one thing. I do think that is unfair which is why i am in such a dilemma right now. Some have asked for more information on him so I will elaborate on the character of my boyfriend. He had a very different upbringing to mine and is in his early thirties. He is not perverse but believes that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with your girlfriend. This is also the opinion of most of my peers. Growing up in a western country i have always seen myself as quite different to most of my age group when it comes to these beliefs. I’ve met very few people who agree with me.

He is very loving and caring and has many great qualities I would want in a potential husband. He is a very good person and has been very loyal and commited to me. He has told me in the past that he can see himself marrying me and would like to have a family with me one day. He just believes that it is the natural step to take in a relationship and that without it he cannot feel close enough to me to make a lifelong commitment. He doesn’t understand my views on the subject. He has said that if i cannot take that step that ultimately he cannot keep waiting because it’s not natural to him and he would just get so frustrated and upset with me. He is in the majority with his views so I cannot blame him for feeling this way. It is just the way he was brought up so to him it is right.
I know what you mean when you say if he can’t wait then he doesn’t love you, which i have always believed myself. But all i can say is that my beliefs in this respect are so different to his that he just can’t see why i’m holding back and it hurts him.
I realise that i am in the minority when it comes to these beliefs but because of my upbringing I hold back from taking that step. Thank you for all your advice and I will keep reading whatever your views are.
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Which is why dating an atheist was wrong to begin with. It appears that you are talking yourself into it and I guarantee that you will regret it after you do.
 
GloriusMaximus said:
Some of you should just stop giving advice, the way a few of you have broken down her posts offering refutations is just ridiculous, it’s not a philosophical discourse you thickies.

It’s up to her to choose what she wants to do now, she’s 29, not 10, give it up.
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She asked for advice. Because you disagree with the advice given doesn’t give you the right to call people “thickies” or an ignoramus.
 
Just some food for thought. I am almost 25, and lost my virginity when I was 23. I was saving myself until marriage and even bought a diamond ring to remind myself. I made a pact with God since High School and even my parents knew I was going to wait. But…I made a mistake with my boyfriend. I knew it was wrong and I knew the after effects were going to be difficult for me as a woman. They were!!! don’t do it!!! We had more frequent arguments. I became more attached to him and envious in a very unhealthy manner of him looking at other women, etc…it wasn’t fun. About a month after I gave myself to him, I found out he was looking at porn in our relationship. it made me crazy!!! Long story short, I am forgiven now and we haven’t had sex for over half a year, which is good and our relationship is a lot better than what it used to be 🙂 having sex outside of marriage invites more drama into your life. BUT, we have had God on our side lately because we have been praying and practicing the Faith more. My bf has read “the good news about sex and marriage” and said that was very insightful. So I recommend it to you guys, even knowing he is an atheist. Wait, you have waited your whole life. The Lord is pleased with that and will provide you with a wonderful husband, even if your current one isn’t!!! DONT SELL YOURSELF SHORT.

Keep praying! do you want to wake up next to him outside of marriage after sex feeling guilty (that’s what I did) or married waking up to your husband knowing he has dedicated his whole life to you, as well as you him? I agree with the majority of opinions on this post. If he is serious about this, he isn’t meant for a godly woman like you. You have to think of yourself in this situation, because it is all about your heart and your values.

Only you can decide what to do. It all comes down to you and what you decide 🙂
 
Rachel said:
I fully agree with 1ke here!
Let me give you the perspective from someone who fell for this and show you what may happen to you if you do.
First off, I wasn’t raised Catholic, but the results are the same.
I was much younger than you when this line was used on me, I got pregnant, he left me.
I hooked up with another guy, got pregnant, he beat me, and I left him.
First guy came back, I married him, got pregnant again, he beat me and then left me (now with three children)
Hooked up with yet another guy, got pregnant, he beat me and I left him.
It was like an endless cycle.
Now, later in life, I meet who I think is Mr. Right, one problem, he doesn’t believe in God. I marry him thinking everything will be fine… nope.
We’re still married, him being atheist, me now finding God and going through RCIA.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is trying to serve God, go to Mass, and do what you are supposed to do when your spouse fights you at every turn? Try being at Mass alone the rest of your life, not having anyone to share your beliefs with, not having the support that you should have according to God in your spouse. It’s a very, very hard road to walk… trust me.
So you have two main issues here that I see… first and foremost, you are with someone that will make your life awful because your beliefs are completely opposite. If you end up marrying this man, you will do one of two things, either serve God and be very lonely without any spiritual support from your husband, or you’ll cave to his way of thinking and lose your faith in the process- Your faith is FAR TOO IMPORTANT to cave on.
Secondly, you have his pressuring you to do something you KNOW is wrong. If you do cave to his pressure, you could end up in the same situation I’m in, getting pregnant, him leaving you and being a single mom looking for Mr. Right for years.
Although my situation is a bit different, I know first hand what both of these choices can do to your life. This is not what God wants for you. Now I have to wait for an annulment to even be able to have Sacraments, which is very hard as well.
I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever the tribunal decides, I’m going with, even if that means I’ll be single the rest of my life. Why? Because my faith is too important to me to.
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have caved to the pressure, and I wouldn’t be married to an atheist.
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A very moving account of what can happen once the first step onto tht slippery slope is taken. If you allow yourself to be compromised once, then it will happen again and again. If you really love this guy, then put him to the test. Bring up the subject of marriage and tell him that if he wants you totally, then he has to go down the path of marriage. No ifs, buts or maybes.
Be strong.
 
psalm42 said:
Just some food for thought. I am almost 25, and lost my virginity when I was 23. I was saving myself until marriage and even bought a diamond ring to remind myself. I made a pact with God since High School and even my parents knew I was going to wait. But…I made a mistake with my boyfriend. I knew it was wrong and I knew the after effects were going to be difficult for me as a woman. They were!!! don’t do it!!! We had more frequent arguments. I became more attached to him and envious in a very unhealthy manner of him looking at other women, etc…it wasn’t fun. About a month after I gave myself to him, I found out he was looking at porn in our relationship. it made me crazy!!! Long story short, I am forgiven now and we haven’t had sex for over half a year, which is good and our relationship is a lot better than what it used to be 🙂 having sex outside of marriage invites more drama into your life. BUT, we have had God on our side lately because we have been praying and practicing the Faith more. My bf has read “the good news about sex and marriage” and said that was very insightful. So I recommend it to you guys, even knowing he is an atheist. Wait, you have waited your whole life. The Lord is pleased with that and will provide you with a wonderful husband, even if your current one isn’t!!! DONT SELL YOURSELF SHORT.

Keep praying! do you want to wake up next to him outside of marriage after sex feeling guilty (that’s what I did) or married waking up to your husband knowing he has dedicated his whole life to you, as well as you him? I agree with the majority of opinions on this post. If he is serious about this, he isn’t meant for a godly woman like you. You have to think of yourself in this situation, because it is all about your heart and your values.

Only you can decide what to do. It all comes down to you and what you decide 🙂
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Thanks for your post… it helps me too with my concerns for my two daughters.
 
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