Need advice, under pressure from my boyfriend

[juliamajor]

Hi
I wanted to thank you all for your messages and advice on the subject. Some of you have said that he is using me etc and he just wants me for one thing. I do think that is unfair which is why i am in such a dilemma right now. Some have asked for more information on him so I will elaborate on the character of my boyfriend. He had a very different upbringing to mine and is in his early thirties. He is not perverse but believes that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with your girlfriend. This is also the opinion of most of my peers. Growing up in a western country i have always seen myself as quite different to most of my age group when it comes to these beliefs. I’ve met very few people who agree with me.

He is very loving and caring and has many great qualities I would want in a potential husband. He is a very good person and has been very loyal and commited to me. He has told me in the past that he can see himself marrying me and would like to have a family with me one day. He just believes that it is the natural step to take in a relationship and that without it he cannot feel close enough to me to make a lifelong commitment. He doesn’t understand my views on the subject. He has said that if i cannot take that step that ultimately he cannot keep waiting because it’s not natural to him and he would just get so frustrated and upset with me. He is in the majority with his views so I cannot blame him for feeling this way. It is just the way he was brought up so to him it is right.
I know what you mean when you say if he can’t wait then he doesn’t love you, which i have always believed myself. But all i can say is that my beliefs in this respect are so different to his that he just can’t see why i’m holding back and it hurts him.
I realise that i am in the minority when it comes to these beliefs but because of my upbringing I hold back from taking that step. Thank you for all your advice and I will keep reading whatever your views are.

Whoppee dang do-He’s a real prince-except he has no respect for you.If you really love someone and if you really respect them- then you don’t force them to do something that is against their conscience-whether it’s sex or stealing or robbing the old line"well if you REALLY loved me you’d do this for me" is tripe. He sounds manipulative and like many atheists he is totally in Ayn Rand’s"virtue of selfishness" mode.He thinks of himself first and you second-that is the problem. If you have kids will he give you “well for the sake of our marriage you won’t bring up the kid’s believing in God”. That to me is psychological bullying.He is shifting the onus of this matter and this relationship all on your shoulders-that way you’ll always be at fault no matter whatever happens.
Having a husband who respects you and has a spiritual outlook similar to yours is important.When you get older and all the pipes are not working right and the overwhelming heat is fading what the heck would you two have in common that you can talk about or get involved in.?If you want to something at the church you’ll be doing it by yourself as he sulks at home because he’s secondary to God! One of the reasons I married my husband was his faith and his willingness to work in tandem with me in many projects -not just faith based projects which is great- but anything which we have an interest in.
Be wise and don’t succumb to his selfishness.God bless.

 

[Jermosh]

I am a firm believer that you know you love someone within a week, at 1.5yrs I think its not going to work. Although I do commend on staying celibate that long, I was 25ish when I met my wife.

 

[juliamajor]

Marriage is a journey .If you are on divergent paths then nothing will work out and you’ll be journeying through life all on your own.

 

[Nyembesi]

Hi I’m 29 and I’ve been going out with someone for a year and a half. We love each other. I was brought up as a strict catholic but he is an atheist and far more liberal than I am. For almost a year he has been asking me and more recently pressurising me to sleep with him and now he says he cannot take it any longer. He says that he loves me very much but that if I don’t agree then we are incompatible and that we should break up.

I don’t think it would be right to sleep with him. I’ve always thought I should wait until I get married. It’s something I just don’t want to do and definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable doing.
He says I am breaking his heart by not doing this. For him it is an act of love and he says we are incomplete without it. He just doesn’t seem to understand where I’m coming from. I don’t know what to do because I would be devastated if we broke up but I also don’t think things can continue the way they have been with him asking me constantly and me saying no constantly. He has said that I don’t know what love is if I haven’t experienced this with a partner. I love him and I don’t want to break his heart or for him to break mine. I also can’t bring myself to do what he is asking me to do.
The other thing I want to add is that living in such a liberal country where so few people understand or agree with me makes things very difficult. I feel that at 29 I am getting old and that most people would be shocked to know that I hadn’t slept with anyone and most guys my age have slept with other people. I just don’t know what to do and feel I have noone to talk to about this. I’m sure he might leave me because he thinks I don’t care enough about him to do this for him. I just couldn’t cope without him. I need to point out that he would not be using me for sex. It is just that he believes that he needs to express his love in this way and that our relationship is incomplete without it. Any advice would be most welcome.

Dear Patsi,

2012, how did u end up handling the situation? what did you do and did it work? Please let us know it might just help…

 

[Nyembesi]

Hi Patsie,

Ok I’m sure you are the best person to be giving advice to someone else in the same situation. What would you say,what did you find or learn from your experience?