Need Advice: Unsure if Hubby is Cheating. How to Improve Relationship

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Some things worry me. For some of these, my husband shared his reasons:
  1. He now goes to the gym, and is now particular about his appearance → I know it helps with his spondylosis and back pain. I assure him he remains to be very handsome to me & support him in his healthier lifestyle.
  2. He leaves home very early, goes home very late &recently said he might be sent to other countries for weeks at a time → it’s the evolving nature of their operations, catering to other countries. Because his recent appraisal was low, he wants to make up for it through this. Today, knowing that he would leave the office late, I sweetly asked if we could have dinner near his office. He said he could try to come home earlier or move to the other branch so that we could have dinner closer to home.
  3. He never posts pictures of the 2 of us in FB.–> This despite a talk years ago of my need to have our picture together to let others know that he is married. He did this twice, about a week after that, begrudgingly. He hasn’t posted any other pictures of us since. This Christmas, I posted our family picture. He didn’t smile & even frowned. He accepted it on his timeline. It’s strange that no one from his FB friends liked the picture. He posts a few smiling pictures from his company.
  4. Unlike in previous companies where he invited me to join an activity or two, he hasnt , nor has he introduced me to his officemates.
  5. He suddenly has a “cooler” outfit. The style is ok. I do wonder – the style is far from the kind / colors that he would choose for himself.
  6. He takes some of his calls away from me → he says it’s business.
  7. He’s frequently angry → to his credit, with his low performance appraisal, he was open to be helped to be a better manager. He recently engaged a Coach. Grateful that the coach is someone he’s comfortable with & who has strong Catholic faith. Praying that their coaching sessions cover life aspects (beyond) becoming a better manager.
I’m building courage to broach to him: As he saw the need for help to be a better manager, I see the need for help for us to be a better couple, whether it’s counseling,or help from a Catholic community or otherwise. He’s skeptical on joining Catholic couple communities, concerned that couples ae left on their own to interpret Bible readings during sharings.

I want to be more open to him without him feeling attacked or hurt& to request the need to be reassured. I justify that his language of love is service to others & not words of affirmation, that we’re wired differently. He is responsible in other respects for our children and home.

Online sites recommend spying on husbands, which my gut feels very much against. I respect my husband’s privacy. I don’t check his phone or laptop. I check his facebook page sometimes (what he publicly posts).

In the end, I googled “Catholic what to do if husband cheats” Grateful that I saw one that said: kill him with kindness, seduce him, pray. Grateful when I saw this forum with very helpful and faith-based advice to other people who sought help.

Would appreciate your advice & your prayers.
 
First off, bless you for looking for a solution, it shows kindness in your heart. Many people would start such a topic with external anger (e.g. “i’m such a good wife, i don’t deserve this”) but you look inwards to see how you can improve the situation which is God’s example to us. Also too many people close down in the face of potentially being hurt and you are facing up to the reality so again i commend your bravery.

Nothing you said would make me believe he is cheating, it’s all circumstantial and anything i added would be pure speculation.

My personal advice to you is to try something called “the 5 languages of love” with him (google it). It’s really just a thought exercise you do together that helps you understand how to make each other happy, there’s nothing especially clever about it but the exercise itself it whats valuable. What i’d say is that this exercise really kills two birds with one stone. Firstly it’s a good thing for any couple to do whether they have trouble or not. Secondly, if he won’t engage with it then that would be a red flag. If that happens then i can’t advise you and i can only recommend a priest and or a professional marriage support. Effectively, you are going to him saying “i want to get better at loving you” so I struggle to understand why anyone would reject that. I hope it doesn’t come it that if you take my advice.
 
Do not spy on your husband. That is asking for an end of the marriage.

Start with a retreat. If your Parish offers FORMED, log on and checkout both of the “Beloved” series. These are two retreats you can do from home. If your parish does not offer it, I think it is $10 per month to subscribe. Along with Beloved it offers many talks and books about marriage. When you exhaust the Catholic resources, well, you won’t exhaust them.
 
To be able to articulate what’s bothering me in a safe, Catholic forum is one thing I am already grateful for. To read your advice is quite another. We discussed Languages of Love before but I don’t see why we couldn’t again. I really appreciate the approach you are suggesting. Thank you @stupidisasstupiddoes
 
To be honest i just picked that one because I know it, i’m not saying it’s the greatest out there but i like it. You could pick another and have the same effect, all marriages need effort constantly. It’s a perfectly reasonable request for a wife to make of a husband. I hope he engages in some similar kind of activity with you, i really can’t think why he wouldn’t. Once you get talking them some issues (hopefully minor) might come out but you seem very realistic about dealing with anything.
 
Thank you for helping me keep a good head on my shoulder with your advice, @TheLittleLady. I needed that to affirm that I should not spy on my husband. Thank you for showing me that there’s an online option for a retreat that my husband and I can take at home. I’ll try broaching that to him. I’m anticipating that he’ll say that he’ll be too busy even for that. Taking a deep breath now. Will mention it as an option he/we can consider. Will google Formed, the Beloved series to learn more about it. We have an upcoming 4-5hour drive alone tomorrow to be with kids who are with our in-laws. Will start by saying, I’d like to improve how I can show my love better as a wife, I’d like have our relationship improve and mention the options (that I’m learning about in this forum) for him to consider. Thank you very much.
 
Thank you @stupidisasstupiddoes for reminding me that marriage involves a constant effort. Lately, I’ve been hoping for one bigtime solution but, true, efforts have to be constant. My husband did encourage me to also join me in the gym. He accompanied me to enrol. Given our schedule, I’ve gotten to join him around 4 times so far since September and always in the wee hours of the morning (Thank God for gyms that are open 24/7 to accommodate any exercise schedule)
 
FORMED has some talks you can listen to on your drive tomorrow!

And he can do the videos on his own time, at 3 AM on his cell phone. It really is a “no excuses” sort of retreat.
 
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