Need Advice. We fight constantly

[noname123456789]

I tried looking though some of the threads here, but couldn’t find a case similar to mine.

I think my husband and I have both reached the end of our ropes with each other. I don’t think that either one of us wants to end the marriage. Let me give you a little backgroun on our situation. We have been married for less than a year. We purchased a house and moved in about 3 months ago. It turns out that the house needd a lot more work than we had anticipated. My husband is also very stressed out right now about his job. They’ve been threatening to lay him off for over a year now.

I mention al of this because these are the main things that are causing stress in our life, and I believe that is the reason for most of the fighting. But, we fight about EVERYTHING. It could be the littlest thing (like folding laundry) or the biggest thing (like what major house project needs to be tackled next).

I will admit, I am an extreme perfectionist and hold the belief that you can do anything if you put your mind, heart, soul, body and prayers into it. My husband is the exact opposite…not a perfectionist and believes that somethings are just not possible to accomplish. I have been trying very hard to let some things slide, and it is not easy for me since this is the way that I was raised. I never recieved help on homework and got chided for recieving B’s on a report card, etc. For example, laundry is one thing that I have given up control (yes, I know I’m a control freak as well) on. He has different way of doing it than I do, but I typically don’t bother him about it. It works.

And, when things go wrong, I get upset, especially on the things that I have given up control with. Sometimes very upset. Using my laundry example, let’s say that I need to wear a suit to work (at least once a week…so not uncommon) and he just didn’t get to it. When I mention it to him, it is somehow my fault that that load of laundry didn’t get done. This week, the reason was…well, you didn’t need one last week (exception to the rule), so how was I supposed to know. But, when I ask him specifically week after week, I nag. All I am looking for is an appology and a promise to try better next week. But, there’s always an excuse. And, if I surpress my “annoyed” feelings, then they just fester and I blow up on the weekend for everything that happened during the week.

Of course, I can’t really give his point of view. But, since there are a lot of instances similar to this, and based on conversations we’ve had, I think I can get close. He thinks that he can never do anything right and that I don’t appreciate anything that he does. So, why even try if he’s just going to get it wrong anyway.

And, when we are toghether we are on guard b/c we don’t want to start yet another fight. He has told me that he’s tired of waking up wondering if there’s anything that I can get angry about today. And, I’m tired of wondering if I’m going to upset him if I ask him to do something for me or if I tell him that I’m upset about something.

We never fought like this when we lived in the apartment, and I’m not sure why that is. It could be the stress due to the house, but it could also be b/c we had just got married at that point.

Does anybody have any advice for us on how to deal with this? Is there anyone who went through a similar situation that can give me words of encouragement?

 

[that_name]

Start praying together every day.

Next, get rid of the idea that this is your job and that is my job - it is your home, you both do whatever needs to be done.

If you need a suit done, toss it in the washer. If he needs socks washed, wash them for him.

Marriage is about giving 100% to the other person, that means doing whatever needs to be done out of love for that person.

If the house causes you to fight, get rid of the house. Your job is to help your husband get to heaven, his job is to help you get to heaven, and your job together is to get your children to heaven. That is most important.

 

[1ke]

Expectations and communication. That’s the key to the relationship.

With the laundry example, I don’t understand why it’s his responsibility for you to have a clean suit. Why can’t you do that? If you have some deal where he does laundry, then instead of going looking for your suit that morning and exploding when it’s not laundered, how about that weekend before you say “I’m going to need a suit on Thursday, are you going to be able to get to that load before then or should I do it?”

You set the expectation beforehand and then you communicate. Problem solved.

Regarding household repairs, set the priorities, the budget, and the timeline with mutually agreed upon goals. If “remodel kitchen” isn’t something he thinks can be tackled this year then it’s not on the list. Maybe “paint the kitchen” is on the list for this year and “remodel” is on the list for next year, along with a savings plan on how you will pay for it.

Have you, by chance, heard of Dr. Laura’s “The Care And Feeding Of Husbands”? I think you should read it.

 

[yellowdaisy]

I SO second reading “The Care and Feeding of Husbands”!!!

Honestly, I’ve been a hairsbredth away from divorce, early on in our marraige. I can tell you that at some point, you have to swallow what you want to say, swallow waht you’re feeling, and apologize.

I have BEEn The Constantly Angry Wife. In my case, it REALLY centered around the idea that I could “have it all”-- be a wife, student, retial manager, etc. I prioritized EVERYTHING over my hsuband-- even things like paying the bills and getting the oil changed. I made those mundane tasks more important than his feelings. (I’m not saying he was completely innocent, mind you, he often acted like a teenager with his inability to get dishes int hte sink and laundry in the basket).

Be committed to NOT arguing. You dont win in the long run by winning the argument. You breed resentment in one or both of you.

Also you could try Retrovaille. I’ve never been, but I’ve heard great things about it!

 

[jjtc]

Start praying together every day.

Next, get rid of the idea that this is your job and that is my job - it is your home, you both do whatever needs to be done.

If you need a suit done, toss it in the washer. If he needs socks washed, wash them for him.

Marriage is about giving 100% to the other person, that means doing whatever needs to be done out of love for that person.

If the house causes you to fight, get rid of the house. Your job is to help your husband get to heaven, his job is to help you get to heaven, and your job together is to get your children to heaven. That is most important.

Very good advice above. You should also read the Marriage Advice thread in this forum.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=215478

A couple of other thoughts.

You are dealing with some big time stressors right now (new house, shaky job, etc.) and are dealing with these while still newlyweds who have not yet learned how to be married. A successful marriage requires hard work with the main ingredients being Prayer, Love and Communication. During stressful times these are the things that will pull you through. You both need to learn this on the fly now and some counseling, a marriage encounter or retrouvaille may be helpful.

There is an old saying of “don’t sweat the small things” and that is very true in a marriage. I too am a perfectionist and after almost 20 years of marriage there are still things that my wife does that drive me nuts. I know this is my issue and don’t burden her with it. If I don’t like the way she does something, I do it myself or accept it. During your marriage and life you are going to be presented with some really challenging and difficult times. The only way you will overcome these are by leaning on each other and God. Love one another unselfishly and be there for one another, and for the Love of God pray with each other often. Don’t sweat the small things; it wasn’t until after my wife and I buried our son that I realized what was really important in my marriage, and it surely wasn’t how the laundry was going to be done. Learn how to talk to your husband. Learn how to pray with your husband. Learn how to be there for your husband. Learn how to grow with your husband. Learn how to be happy with your husband. Really get to know the man you married. Quite simply, learn how to Love your husband. A good marriage doesn’t just happen, it requires a lot of hard work from both parties. My prayers are with you both…

 

[ManOnFire]

Watch Fr. Phil Chavez’s “10 things women need to know about men/ 10 things men need to know about women” DVD.

All people (don’t know if you’re young or not) need to make the transition from youth (self comes first, others second) to adulthood (others first, self second). We are called to grow up and lay down our lives for each other. Wonderlust is not as deep as true, sacrificial, unconditional love. It’s not the end of the deep love. It’s just the beginning. If you can’t afford the entertainment, you’ll need to cut it out and take walks together to save money. Hang in there.

 

[Sparki777]

You have received very good advice above.

I would add this: make up your mind to stop arguing. I know it sounds impossible, but it’s doable.

Your goal should be not to get your husband to do the laundry your way, nor to get him to apologize and do it right next time (which, I must say, is a mother-to-child attitude, not a wife-to-husband attitude). Your goal should be to LOVE your husband.

Your goal should not be perfection in the household (the laundry, the chores, the RULES, whatever), but LOVE in the household.

Bickering ain’t love, my sister.

I admit, it took me quite a while to learn this in my own house, because I come from a family of strife, where everybody and everything was constantly condemned as not up to snuff.

Learn to look at your husband as a prince, the child of the King. Teach yourself to wake up in the morning NOT thinking about what might tick you off today, but how you can love your husband into a closer relationship with his heavenly Father. When you see something in the house that bothers you, learn to count to ten – praying all the while – before you speak. Better yet, don’t speak at all and just take care of it.

If you and your husband are divvying up the chores, but he doesn’t wish to be reminded orally what you want him to do (nagging), then the two of you should make a list together of who does what and then post it.

Also, you might not be sharing the household duties in a way that works for you. In my house, I do all the laundry because otherwise I’d be constantly frustrated because my husband never sorts colors and washes everything on hot no matter what the label says. I don’t think he even reads labels. But I don’t mind doing all the laundry because he always pumps gas and takes care of vehicles, which I’m horrible at and hate to do.

In other words, divide the chores according to individual strengths. Some chores may be alternated daily or weekly or whatever, but most of them would probably be best shared by you doing Chore A always and him doing Chore B always.

 

[Steave]

There is a very logical way of looking at how to stop these fights.

What are your fights consiting of?

Probablly only differing opinions, you think something than he doesn’t. You as an extreme perfectionist probablly have a tendency to want to controll a situation.

Step back and why don’t you try to fix what you are doing to cause a fight, is it imposing your will upon him, is it not listening to his side.

Its selfish behavior on both sides which is causing all these fights, If you become selfless your husbun will eventually follow suit.

Pray for the strength to become selfless, because the devil is the one who is encouraging your fighting, pray to ST.michal to cast the demons away, pray to God for strength.

-pax

 

[flyingfish]

Does anybody have any advice for us on how to deal with this? Is there anyone who went through a similar situation that can give me words of encouragement?

Get professional help, if you’re a severe perfectionist you could have a form of OCD. Honestly, this is the only kind of advice I can give. My father was like you, a perfectionist, wanted to control every little thing people did. Kind of like if you start doing something, he would come over and tell you how to do it “right.”

I have not said a single word to my father for a while. That kind of behavior on his part pretty much ruined our relationship. Had I been married to a man like that, I would have been gone very quickly.

So, all I can say to you, is recognize that you have a serious problem that makes you very hard to live with, and not fun to be around. You could hope to find someone submissive and obedient, but I would recommend you see a psychiatrist and possibly take medication that will relax you and make you not care about the way someone else does laundry. That way, you might stop arguing about ridiculous non-issues, and your husband will enjoy being around you. You’ll be happier as well.

 

[whatevergirl]

Start praying together every day.

**Next, get rid of the idea that this is your job and that is my job **- it is your home, you both do whatever needs to be done.

If you need a suit done, toss it in the washer. If he needs socks washed, wash them for him.

Marriage is about giving 100% to the other person, that means doing whatever needs to be done out of love for that person.

If the house causes you to fight, get rid of the house. Your job is to help your husband get to heaven, his job is to help you get to heaven, and your job together is to get your children to heaven. That is most important.

*I really liked your post, that name. Especially the bolded. I learned from a priest a long time ago, that while two people who marry can have separate interests, they become one flesh.

Let me ask …is it wrong though to want to feel appreciated by one’s spouse? *

 

[that_name]

*I really liked your post, that name. Especially the bolded. I learned from a priest a long time ago, that while two people who marry can have separate interests, they become one flesh.

Let me ask …is it wrong though to want to feel* appreciated by one’s spouse?

When one reaches a certain level of spiritual development, one understands that we do not need the approval/appreciation of others. Reading the lives of the Saints and of other holy people brings this point home over and over. Not that I am there yet, but, I am working on it

 

[whatevergirl]

When one reaches a certain level of spiritual development, one understands that we do not need the approval/appreciation of others. Reading the lives of the Saints and of other holy people brings this point home over and over. Not that I am there yet, but, I am working on it

*lol I’m not there yet either. I was reading something the other day about this very thing–about choosing to please God, and doing the task at hand for God…I would say I try to do that, but at times, lately, if my husband criticizes something I do, I don’t feel that is right. I’m doing what I can for him, and then when you get a ‘‘critique,’’ it does make me not want to help out in that same way again.

To the OP–That could be how your husband feels, when he does things, and the perfectionist in you offers a critique. It probably is not intentional on your part…my husband tells me that he is not meaning to ‘‘criticize,’’ but to someone who spend a lot of time doing ‘‘something nice’’ or whatever for one’s spouse, it is like rain on a parade.

I think that it’s important to note that neither of you is ‘‘wrong,’’ just different in your perceptions of things. *

 

[bluerose]

I’m going to assume he doesn’t do EVERYthing wrong… do you ever express appreciation for what he DOES do right… or are you constantly focusing on what he does “wrong”?

My mother often told me, “If you focus on the negative, don’t be surprised if that’s all you find.”

My husband takes on the laundry chores in our house–without being asked. That said, he also sometimes ignores the “wash cold, gentle cycle, line dry” tags in some of my nicer blouses (he’s got a “git 'er done” attitude about chores.) I could focus on that one thing–he washed my silk blouse in hot water and threw it in the dryer along with my work polos. OR, I could focus on the fact that my work jeans and shirts are clean and hanging in my closet.

The gentle cycle takes less than 20 minutes in my washer. I think I can spend that little amount of time to wash my own “fine washables” to avoid a fight.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

If you want to be divorced someday you’re well on your way. They say when you divorce the first time you’re divorcing one of your parents. Which one will you be divorcing? The one in your head telling YOU everything has to be just so and no one is going to help you, but they’ll condemn your efforts if they aren’t perfect? Well, seems you’ve decided to raise your husband just the way you were raised.

Wait. He’s a grownup. Why are you trying to raise him? He might think he’s a realist. Some things can get done today, you have the rest of your life to fix the house, why kill yourself now over something that is impossible?

You have to get off that treadmill. Do your own laundry. Let him do his. The constant picking at someone is your issue, not his. He’s now reacting to you. I agree with the OCD suggestion with the other poster.

It’s only a house. At the rate you’re going, your next big fight will be over how to divide it. Do you want that?

Your issue is that you both handle stress in different ways. While your relationship was relatively stress free, everything was fine. Now you’re finding out things about him, things about you.

Before you try to fix one more thing in the house, I’d suggest joint counseling and learning how to communicate and how to scale back expectations that everything needs to be perfect and it needs to be perfect now. Your need to control everything around you is not going to sustain a marriage. Children come along and it’s very difficult to control them after a while. How you learn to handle the things you don’t control will make or break you.

You can’t control your husband. Especially if you don’t learn to control yourself first. You tell us he’s stressed because he may lose his job (with men, self respect is intricately interwoven with their work.) And you respond by picking at him because he didn’t do your laundry? You’ve got him expecting to be torn down on a regular basis. What will happen if he actually does lose his job and all he hears is negativity? He’ll go into depression, which won’t help your marriage. Plus you set him up to fail. You changed the routine of what suit you needed on him. You didn’t inform him. Then you yelled at him for not doing your suit. That’s “crazymaking.” It’s not fair. He’s trying to please a moveable target. Not fair at all!

Here’s some hints: You get more of what you praise. So any behavior you want more of, praise it. Stop telling him what he’s doing wrong. Find ten times a day to tell him what he did right. That is an easy thing YOU can do that will pay dividends. If you have to keep a post-it note in your pocket keep score. Don’t end the day till you’ve told him ten times what he did right.

You can’t change him. You can change how you treat him. And you can change what YOU choose to stress over. With houses, there is always something to go wrong. When you marry, that doubles the possible incidents of stress, plus the stuff you both find to stress over together. You need to change your level of perfectionism. Sometimes adequate is perfectly fine too.

If you don’t fix how you treat your husband (an adult, old enough to marry and keep a job, drive and get a mortgage) then you will do the same thing to kids.

Good luck. Please don’t let it get to the point where your marriage is ruined. You married him as he was. Don’t start trying to change him into another version of yourself. You both seem to have picked your exact opposite. I am not of the view that you can really accomplish anything given enough time, effort and prayer. Not when you are dealing with other people’s free will, the laws of physics, or human frailty. Sometimes you have to accept that life can be enjoyed in its imperfections also.

You both bring different talents to this marriage. You probably were attracted to his easygoing nature. Learn from him that you can relax with a glass of wine and the radio playing in an unfinished room and sit and make plans over how you’ll fix it. That is so much more fun than screaming at him because it’s not already painted in sage with ecrue chair rail, and you bought the supplies last week, why isn’t it done yet?

You’re on the same team. Ditch the voice of your parents in your head telling you your best isn’t good enough. It didn’t work for you and it won’t work for your husband.

 

[dixieagle]

If you want to be divorced someday you’re well on your way. They say when you divorce the first time you’re divorcing one of your parents. Which one will you be divorcing? The one in your head telling YOU everything has to be just so and no one is going to help you, but they’ll condemn your efforts if they aren’t perfect? Well, seems you’ve decided to raise your husband just the way you were raised.

Wait. He’s a grownup. Why are you trying to raise him? He might think he’s a realist. Some things can get done today, you have the rest of your life to fix the house, why kill yourself now over something that is impossible?

You have to get off that treadmill. Do your own laundry. Let him do his. The constant picking at someone is your issue, not his. He’s now reacting to you. I agree with the OCD suggestion with the other poster.

It’s only a house. At the rate you’re going, your next big fight will be over how to divide it. Do you want that?

Your issue is that you both handle stress in different ways. While your relationship was relatively stress free, everything was fine. Now you’re finding out things about him, things about you.

Before you try to fix one more thing in the house, I’d suggest joint counseling and learning how to communicate and how to scale back expectations that everything needs to be perfect and it needs to be perfect now. Your need to control everything around you is not going to sustain a marriage. Children come along and it’s very difficult to control them after a while. How you learn to handle the things you don’t control will make or break you.

You can’t control your husband. Especially if you don’t learn to control yourself first. You tell us he’s stressed because he may lose his job (with men, self respect is intricately interwoven with their work.) And you respond by picking at him because he didn’t do your laundry? You’ve got him expecting to be torn down on a regular basis. What will happen if he actually does lose his job and all he hears is negativity? He’ll go into depression, which won’t help your marriage. Plus you set him up to fail. You changed the routine of what suit you needed on him. You didn’t inform him. Then you yelled at him for not doing your suit. That’s “crazymaking.” It’s not fair. He’s trying to please a moveable target. Not fair at all!

Here’s some hints: You get more of what you praise. So any behavior you want more of, praise it. Stop telling him what he’s doing wrong. Find ten times a day to tell him what he did right. That is an easy thing YOU can do that will pay dividends. If you have to keep a post-it note in your pocket keep score. Don’t end the day till you’ve told him ten times what he did right.

You can’t change him. You can change how you treat him. And you can change what YOU choose to stress over. With houses, there is always something to go wrong. When you marry, that doubles the possible incidents of stress, plus the stuff you both find to stress over together. You need to change your level of perfectionism. Sometimes adequate is perfectly fine too.

If you don’t fix how you treat your husband (an adult, old enough to marry and keep a job, drive and get a mortgage) then you will do the same thing to kids.

Good luck. Please don’t let it get to the point where your marriage is ruined. You married him as he was. Don’t start trying to change him into another version of yourself. You both seem to have picked your exact opposite. I am not of the view that you can really accomplish anything given enough time, effort and prayer. Not when you are dealing with other people’s free will, the laws of physics, or human frailty. Sometimes you have to accept that life can be enjoyed in its imperfections also.

You both bring different talents to this marriage. You probably were attracted to his easygoing nature. Learn from him that you can relax with a glass of wine and the radio playing in an unfinished room and sit and make plans over how you’ll fix it. That is so much more fun than screaming at him because it’s not already painted in sage with ecrue chair rail, and you bought the supplies last week, why isn’t it done yet?

You’re on the same team. Ditch the voice of your parents in your head telling you your best isn’t good enough. It didn’t work for you and it won’t work for your husband.

:clapping::clapping::clapping:

OP, follow the above advice to the letter. Terrific.

 

[MadameButterfly]

My Dh is a perfectionist and has OCD tendencies (I always say he reminds me of ‘Adrian Monk’, albeit not as bad); I’m more laid back. In the 19 years we’ve been married, there has been contant tension with regards to the state of our house; (in his opinion, it’s never up to snuff); it’s the only thing we really fight about (although it has gotten better as the kids got older).

Living with a perfectionist is extremely difficult. For example, I would spend the afternoon cleaning up the house and would be very pleased with the result. Dh would come home and see the one item that wasn’t put away and would criticize me for it. After awhile, I felt exactly like your husband; it seemed that no matter how hard I’d try, it was never good enough, so why even bother trying (dh would accuse me of not caring, because if I did care, I would do things-clean- to keep him from becoming nervous).

A few years ago, I went to counseling for a sexual assault and ended up dealing with my perfectionist mother and perfectionist dh as a bonus . I learned that I had to do things to my own satisfaction and if it wasn’t good enough for dh, well than that’s his problem.

Now, over the years, I have become more organized and neater (see my post in the organizational thread), but that doesn’t stop dh from criticizing things. I try not to take things personally, although I often fail. In fact, I do sympathize with my dh. Dh becomes so frustrated with how things are vs how he thinks things should be (idealism vs reality). I mean when you have standards that are higher than God’s, you’ll always be disappointed.

Unfortunately, the long-term fallout of living with highly critical perfectionist is that I have emotionally insulated myself. While I try not to take things personally, hearing criticisms still hurts (I’ve even told him that if he couldn’t say something nice, he shouldn’t say anything at all). Also, his relationship with his kids is tenuous at best; he’ll be lucky if they want to spend time with him when they’re adults (especially holidays, which normally ends up with someone upset ).

Some days, in my weaker moments, I don’t even care whether the “lived-in look” bothers him or not. Sometimes, I even tell him that I think he would have been happier remaining single and hiring a housekeeper. And sometimes I think that if I knew then what I do know…

This post probably didn’t help much, but I thought I’d share the experience of living with a perfectionist.

MadameButterfly

 

[flyingfish]

Also, his relationship with his kids is tenuous at best; he’ll be lucky if they want to spend time with him when they’re adults (especially holidays, which normally ends up with someone upset ).

This is really the sad point. I always wanted to have a good father, and to have a relationship with a father. But unfortunately any glimmers of good interaction with my father were drowned out by his extremely controlling and perfectionist nature. It was, and still is impossible to spend any length of time with him without hearing something critical or otherwise disgusting. And for that reason I simply don’t spend time with him or talk to him.

If the OP wants to have children, she should really get psychiatric treatment for her problem.

 

[monicatholic]

OP, years ago i was the perfectionist spouse.

i thought i just wanted things done right. i thought there wasn’t anything wrong with a little perfectionism. heck, somebody’s gotta have some standards around here. instead of being justified, i was really just short of vicious. my husband couldn’t do anything right so he stopped trying to do anything.

worse than that, he simply stopped engaging in battle with me. what a disaster for me to discover i was a whirling dervish all by myself-- i had no dance partner.

i heard the adage “people before things” and was stricken by how far away from that my behavior was.

if you believe that anything can be accomplished by will, grit, prayer and determination, then you’re on the right track. if you don’t want to either destroy or divorce your husband, then YOU WILL NEED TO CHANGE. you will need to apply grit, determination, prayer, repentance, self mortification to your uncharitable perfectionism. and don’t try to revamp it to ***charitable ***perfectionsim-- there is NO SUCH THING. perfectionism is self love-- it’s uncharitable by its very nature.

i agree with other posters: if the house causes you to lash out, sell the house. or at least make a 2 year moritorium on all improvements. (only absolutely necessary repairs can be done. like furnace, water heater, roof leaking etc.) during that time, practice NICE.

and do your own laundry. unless I wear a uniform to work every day, there’s NO WAY my husband knows what I need to wear to work. am i teaching? do i have a meeting? how would he know that? he’s not a mind-reader.

finally, your vocation is to help your spouse to heaven. do you really want to do that by making his life a living purgatory?

 

[lissa70]

If you want to have a marriage that is wonderful beyond anything you can possibly imagine you have to give everything and expect nothing in return. Then if he happens to wash your suit, you will have a much greater sense of gratitude for what you have in a spouse.

 

[lissa70]

BTW - I spent the first couple years of our marriage going to confession to help me to treat my husband better (be grateful for what he does do and let go of my expectations). I hardly ever complain anymore.