Need Advice. We fight constantly

[Joseph629]

NoName, you’ve received a lot of good advice here. And I suspect most was given as a result of similar and personal marital experiences.

I must agree however with 3 or 4 responses recommending some sort of counselling. You and your husband can try many of the suggestions given here, but as a past therapist, and from what I’m hearing from you, I truly believe that a 3rd party councillor can help you both to get to know and understand each other much better and deeper. And to your benefit, you’ve only been married for a very short time. Now is a good time to catch, and work on, problems before they get totally out of hand.

My own little experience: Married 28 yrs. I’m not a perfectionist, but, from my upbringing I am a MUCH tidier person than my wife. I do my own laundry, -(I like it that way)-, but I have come to accept that my wife and I will NEVER be on the same page in this matter. Soooo, I have a room (sort of a rec-room/library) that I call mine, is kept beautifully tidy (by me), and I can retreat there when necessary. So, that is our compromise. I’m happy, she’s happy.
-Oh, and sometimes she sits in there with me and we talk, but guess what? Inevitably, I always must pick up a cup, glass, or blanket or…whatever after she’s left. Oh well. LOL. My prayers and God’s many graces for both you and your husband. Joseph

 

[etc2000]

There are a lot of tips in the internet on how to fight fairly. Try to read them and try to apply it to your situation. From your post, you sound like you might be too idealistic. Nothing wrong with it but when it involves another person and his feelings, try to be more understanding. And as long as your respect for each is there, your fighting isn’t that bad at all.

Value your communication. it’s hard when it fails, like in my case. can barely discuss things with my husband without him getting mad.

 

[FrenchGwen]

There were many good posts here.

I will just add two things

• you’re newlyweds: fights are NORMAL : you’re currently adjusting to each other, and learning to put up with your differences. I know this feeling of “being at the end of the rope with each other”: it’s normal, because you find yourself confronted with a HUGE amount of working on your marriage, and it seems it will never end. Go on, daily, with little steps, and by and by you’ll get past it and find you now ARE married, that is: both of you now think and act as a married person, putting the other one first.
• on a more practical note: say THANK YOU. To God, of course, but first and foremost: to your husband. Not only when you feel like it, but everytime he does anything, even (especially !) when you find it perfectly normal that he does it.
  He does HALF the washing up (and forgets the rest ?) : say thank you !
  He brings the trash out ? Say thank you. (and don’t mention the 100 times where YOU had to do it).
  You ask him to do something, he does it ? Say thank you.
  You ask him to do something urgent, he does it quite late ? Say thank you (yeah I know, that part especially is difficult).
  Men can be compared to delphins : in order to have a delphin jump, you give him fish before, during and after jumping. The same with men and compliments: a man NEEDS his wife’s constant appreciation. The more he gets it, the more he’ll do.
  And you… will be entertaining positive thoughts about your husband : instead of focusing on this lacks, you’ll find yourself marvelling at each and every tiny bit he does for you !
  NB: I found that it was much easier to say thank you to my DH when I said thank you… to me. Saying aloud “oh, I’m proud of me, I’ve just sorted a whole basket of laundry out” really helped me in my resolve to be a better wife, and helped DH to see what I did, yet still kept us clear from the “I’ve done my job, do yours” mentality.