need advice ..

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This girl I have had classes with does not have a car… she usually gets a ride from a family member. However, this semester she has asked me if I could give her a ride to a campus that is nearby my home (we have two campuses). That would mean I have to go out of my way about 35 min back and forth.I want to do it, but the thing is… I feel like she is using me. Because, she has asked me to send her papers that I have done for a class that she is going to take after me, but just so she could have an idea. I didn’t mind, but now that she’s asking me for a ride I don’t know what to do. What do you all think? Thankss
 
It’s not going to do you any good to live in stress. You also are a student and if this girl wishes you to add 35 minutes extra fuel each day, just tell her calmly and matter-of factly, how much extra it will cost and that you will expect her to pay each week. You are not doing her or her future husband a favor if you allow her to continue believing that the world owes her favors and she owes nothing in return. That is to train her she is right in thinking only of herself and her own needs. She needs to learn that justice requires fair play to everyone, and that includes you.

Don’t be apologetic or tentative, just be simple and matter of fact. And stick to it…or if she doesn’t, explain that as a student you can’t afford to take her any more…which is true for moral as well as practical reasons.It is complicit in someone else’s sin of selfishness if we acquiesce in it by letting them get away with it. I know it’s hard, but we do answer to God for what we train others to continue doing if it’s selfish and unjust.

Sorry to be so tough…but if she continues to expect and get a free ride in life, she won’t grwo, and her husband and children will suffer for it, as well as her soul…and yours, for the resentment that you’d feel.

God bless
 
Trishie said:
It’s not going to do you any good to live in stres. You also are a student and if this girl wishes you to add 35 minutes extra fuel each day, just tell her calmly and matter-of factly, how much extra it will cost and that you will expect her to pay each week. You are not doing her or her future husband a favor if you allow her to continue believing that the world ows her favors and she owes nothing in return. That is to train her she is right in thinking only of herself and her own needs. She needs to learn that justice requires fair play to everyone, and that includes he.

Don’t be apologetic or tentative, just be simple and matter of fact. And stick to it…or if she doesn’t, explain that as a student you can’t afford to take her any more…which is true for moral as well as practical reasons.It is complicit in someone else’s sin of selfishness if we acquiesce in it by letting them get away with it. I know it’s hard, but we do answer to God for what we train others to continue doing if it’s selfish and unjust.

Sorry to be so tough…but if she continues to expect and get a free ride in life, she won’t grwo, and her husband and children will suffer for it, as well as her soul…and yours, for the resentment that you’d feel.

God bless
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Thank you for your advice, my mom and sister told me the same. But, I feel bad because I know she doesn’t have money. I don’t know, I just thought that when someone asks you for a favor that I should do it. I usually feel bad, but I guess it’s not fair for me also. Thanksss again

God Bless you too
 
Yes, we are supposed to give when asked, thpugh we do need to think about the issues above and how they relate to individual cases…but if you know for certain this girl has no money and isn’t just taking advantage of you (which is no good to anyone)
and if you feel sure about helping her and you do so knowing that she can’t pay at least something towards your fuel, then you’ll have to deal with the problem of feeling used by deciding you will give cheerfully and without counting the cost.

“**Is there a poor brother among you, one of your brothers, in any town of yours? Do not harden your heart or close your hand against that poor brother of yours, but be open-handed with him.” **[Deuteronomy 15:7-8]

“Each one should give what he has decided in his own mind, not grudgingly or because he is made to, ‘for God loves a cheerful giver.’” [Proverbs 28:2]

“**And there is no limit to the blessings which God can send you…for yourselves…for all sorts of good works.” **[2Corinthians 9:6-8]

Wishing you the best in your studies and in your life,

warm regards, Trishie
“None of us lives for himself only.” [Romans 14:7] .
 
Thank you for that lovely post! 🙂 … Well, she has some money, but not a lot. She doesn;t have a car and no job. I don’t know why she doesn’t work, but I think it has to do with not having a car. I have bought her lunch a couple times at school, but the reason I feel like she is using me is because I have been buying her lunch, and helping her with school work, etc… and I feel like she could get a ride to the school but is asking me so not to inconvenience her family members. I dont know, I guess I will have to think about it
 
Maybe you need to speak honestly with her? I know that can be risky if she is immature.
All of us have to some degree within ourselves, ‘adult’, ‘parent’ and ‘child’. The best and wisest communication between adults is in fact ‘adult, which is balanced. If you speak to someone in adult, ie, with respectful honesty, you are more likely to ‘hook’ them in adult, ie, be able to communicate on this level. In an unequal relationship like this one with the girl, if you can’t get it on an adult basis of mutual respect and fairness, then you are going to be dealing with her as if she is ‘child’ and you are ‘parent’, you’re going to find that hard because it isn’t natural or equal, or respectful, considering that she is an adult like you. Sometimes, with some people, you can only ‘hook’ their child’ which can be a problem. If you’re honest with them you can get an emotional backlash, that is to say, if they are sufficiently immature in relationship and in their minds and emotional development.

For your own peace of mind, you may need to be quietly honest, even if you do all that she wishes…or you’ll just have to accept ongoing sacrifice of your own wishes and needs…you can turn that to spiritual advantage…so long as resentment doesn’t take over. You could explore, I suppose, why she chooses not to work, if you want to know whether or not you’re contributing to a bad moral position and if not working is part of the free ride mentality…but it is hard to find work these days.

May God guide you and bless you both.
Love, Trishie

By the way, I’m not a professional, so this is just what to me seems to be good sense.
 
Trishie said:
Maybe you need to speak honestly with her? I know that can be risky if she is immature.
All of us have to some degree within ourselves, ‘adult’, ‘parent’ and ‘child’. The best and wisest communication between adults is in fact ‘adult, which is balanced. If you speak to someone in adult, ie, with respectful honesty, you are more likely to ‘hook’ them in adult, ie, be able to communicate on this level. In an unequal relationship like this one with the girl, if you can’t get it on an adult basis of mutual respect and fairness, then you are going to be dealing with her as if she is ‘child’ and you are ‘parent’, you’re going to find that hard because it isn’t natural or equal, or respectful, considering that she is an adult like you. Sometimes, with some people, you can only ‘hook’ their child’ which can be a problem. If you’re honest with them you can get an emotional backlash, that is to say, if they are sufficiently immature in relationship and in their minds and emotional development.

For your own peace of mind, you may need to be quietly honest, even if you do all that she wishes…or you’ll just have to accept ongoing sacrifice of your own wishes and needs…you can turn that to spiritual advantage…so long as resentment doesn’t take over. You could explore, I suppose, why she chooses not to work, if you want to know whether or not you’re contributing to a bad moral position and if not working is part of the free ride mentality…but it is hard to find work these days.

May God guide you and bless you both.
Love, Trishie
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By the way, i’m not a professional so am just giving my human thoughts, not professional .
 
If it were me I don’t know if I would drive her. Your time is valuable too. I’m sure she can find another way to get to campus.
Anyway, she should get a job. It builds character and makes you responsible.
You can get a used car with low monthly payments pretty easily in michigan.
Maybe suggest she takes the bus?

If you still feel bad, maybe offer to drive her one day a week?
It depends on how well you know her.

Also don’t forget about the rules for plagerism. You could be held accountable if you give her a paper and she just turns it in. They have a database full of student work that they check to make sure nothing is plagerized.
 
HyeDetroit said:
If it were me I don’t know if I would drive her. Your time is valuable too. I’m sure she can find another way to get to campus.
Anyway, she should get a job. It builds character and makes you responsible.
You can get a used car with low monthly payments pretty easily in michigan.
Maybe suggest she takes the bus?

If you still feel bad, maybe offer to drive her one day a week?
It depends on how well you know her.

Also don’t forget about the rules for plagerism. You could be held accountable if you give her a paper and she just turns it in. They have a database full of student work that they check to make sure nothing is plagerized.
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Yea, you are right. I was thinking to suggest taking a bus, because I know a lady who did that. And, I don’t think she will copy my papers, because the school I go to is a Catholic private school and very small, so the professors know everyone very well. But, I do know that she will probably make it very similar to hers… no one else helped her with her stuff like I did, and that’s why I think she is taking advantage because she knows I will do it. I think I am just going to suggest taking a bus, or I don’t know. Because she lives an hr or away from me, and 35 min from the other campus which I was thinking she wanted me to do . Plus, I don’t know if I feel comfortable knowing I am going to have to be responsible picking her up and dropping her… I may want to go early, stay later, etc. thanks for giving me ur (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
if she asks you to give her work, papers, research etc. you have done for the same class she is asking you to lie, cheat, and break the school’s honor code, which could get both of you thrown out. Yes if that is the case I’d say she is using you. If you are going at the same time and you can pick her up without inconvenience, yes you can give her a ride, but you should ask her to share the cost involved.
 
I was once in a situation of giving another student a ride. He said it was because he didn’t have a car, or some such. The problem was, I had an earlier class, so it made another round trip to get him to school. I later found out that he had lost his liscense. I had already been feeling taken advantage of before I found out about that. So, since them I’ve been turning down such requests.

The one time, after that, that I gave someone a ride it was a different situation. I was on the interstate and saw a car (or maybe a minivan, I can’t remember) starting to spew out white smoke. The driver managed to get it pulled over. I stopped a ways in front of her and asked if she needed any help. She said her husband worked not far from there, so I gave her a ride over. He wasn’t there, but another person was, so she said she’d be ok. It didn’t take me much out of my way, besides, I know I’d hate being stuck in a situation like that. Especially being single!!
 
HNA444 said:
This girl I have had classes with does not have a car… she usually gets a ride from a family member. However, this semester she has asked me if I could give her a ride to a campus that is nearby my home (we have two campuses). That would mean I have to go out of my way about 35 min back and forth.I want to do it, but the thing is… I feel like she is using me. Because, she has asked me to send her papers that I have done for a class that she is going to take after me, but just so she could have an idea. I didn’t mind, but now that she’s asking me for a ride I don’t know what to do. What do you all think? Thankss
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I think she is using you. And her asking to send you papers you’ve done for a class she’s going to take… she is going to cheat (maybe she won’t hand in your paper as her own, but she’ll copy your ideas), and I think you know this. I could have never dreamt of asking anyone for their papers, ever. I would not do this not simply because you’d be helping her cheat, but since you are still in school if she is found out you might also be held responsible. Penalties for cheating can be very severe, including getting suspended/kicked out from school and having plagiarism on your academic record.

Aren’t there buses in the area?

And I’m curious about how attractive this girl has to be that you’re doing these things for her 😛
 
flyingfish said:
I think she is using you. And her asking to send you papers you’ve done for a class she’s going to take… she is going to cheat (maybe she won’t hand in your paper as her own, but she’ll copy your ideas), and I think you know this. I could have never dreamt of asking anyone for their papers, ever. I would not do this not simply because you’d be helping her cheat, but since you are still in school if she is found out you might also be held responsible. Penalties for cheating can be very severe, including getting suspended/kicked out from school and having plagiarism on your academic record.

Aren’t there buses in the area?

And I’m curious about how attractive this girl has to be that you’re doing these things for her 😛
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lol well first i am a girl!! hahaha, but yea i think she is using me too. I actually felt at the time like i was helping her when i sent her my papers, because she struggles i think with writing papers, but i am always willing to help her. People take advantage of me sometimes, because i am too nice to them when i shouldn’t be. It’s just hard to know when it is right or wrong to help someone. I love helping people who don’t keep asking for things, i guess because she keeps asking me for things that she is being insincere.
 
HNA444 said:
Yea, you are right. I was thinking to suggest taking a bus, because I know a lady who did that. And, I don’t think she will copy my papers, because the school I go to is a Catholic private school and very small, so the professors know everyone very well. But, I do know that she will probably make it very similar to hers… no one else helped her with her stuff like I did, and that’s why I think she is taking advantage because she knows I will do it. I think I am just going to suggest taking a bus, or I don’t know. Because she lives an hr or away from me, and 35 min from the other campus which I was thinking she wanted me to do . Plus, I don’t know if I feel comfortable knowing I am going to have to be responsible picking her up and dropping her… I may want to go early, stay later, etc. thanks for giving me ur (name removed by moderator)ut.
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You are too tender hearted, I was once like you people used me all the time, This Friend Priest of mine them days told me You have got to quit taking a back seat for people, Its nice to be Christian, but to go 70 minutes out of your way is not gonna be easy, You will soon be unhappy about it. Your time is valuable, you are not being Unchristian by telling her You cant do it. It is an unreasonable request.Hopefully she will find another way, if You do it you will soon grow tired of it, at least if it was along the way, it would be ok:)
 
NoWhereMan said:
You are too tender hearted, I was once like you people used me all the time, This Friend Priest of mine them days told me You have got to quit taking a back seat for people, Its nice to be Christian, but to go 70 minutes out of your way is not gonna be easy, You will soon be unhappy about it. Your time is valuable, you are not being Unchristian by telling her You cant do it. It is an unreasonable request.Hopefully she will find another way, if You do it you will soon grow tired of it, at least if it was along the way, it would be ok:)
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Thank you for understanding 🙂 this makes me feel better to tell her i can’t do it, so thankssss
 
HNA444 said:
Thank you for your advice, my mom and sister told me the same. But, I feel bad because I know she doesn’t have money. I don’t know, I just thought that when someone asks you for a favor that I should do it. I usually feel bad, but I guess it’s not fair for me also. Thanksss again

God Bless you too
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It is good to be generous and help one another. But sometimes people ask for things that are beyond our means or ability to provide. It is ok to say you cannot do this. Perhaps you might help her find other transportation instead. Surely there is someone else that travels the direction she needs to go who could assist her.
 
Debra_C said:
It is good to be generous and help one another. But sometimes people ask for things that are beyond our means or ability to provide. It is ok to say you cannot do this. Perhaps you might help her find other transportation instead. Surely there is someone else that travels the direction she needs to go who could assist her.
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Ya, I am going to give her some other options and help her out that way. Thankss for the advice, u helped a lot!
 
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