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nana3
Guest
My BIL has some mental health issues that he denies or does not see for himself. My dh and his two brothers were all raised in a very dysfunctional home with child abuse by both parents. I did not know this when I married my dh for he kept it from me, but I noticed as we argued that his rationalization was not normal. I wanted to get a divorce so many times during our first five years of our marriage. He has a severe anger problem. I got pregnant right away, one month into the marriage so I hanged in there. At one point, I told my dh to go get help, or I am leaving him. He went and got help and was put on medication and what a improvement. He still has a temper, but not like before. Anyway, his brother is the same way. He will put words into your mouth or say something you did not say.
Okay, now that being said, here is my problem. My BIL wanted to borrow about $300.00 to pay his cell phone bill. I was against it, but my dh said he would pay it back as soon as he got his job. He was between jobs. He is a trucker. I had no say in the matter, but I did send my BIL an email telling him that we expect him to pay us back from his first paycheck. I also mentioned that at this point in his life, he should have a savings account to fall on for situations like this. You see he spends his money on women and sex and doesn’t save any of it. That is why I was against lending him money. Honestly, that is all I wrote in the email. Oh, I mentioned that if he saved his money instead of spending it on so many women, he would have some to pay his cell phone bill for he is old enough and should have a nice savings by now. He is 45 years old. Well, he called my husband’s cell and left a message. I heard the message first and in that he called me an a**hole. I didn’t say anything that deserved that. Then he wrote me an email back and told me that I should not talk about his woman that way and cussed some more at me. Mind you, I did not say anything about any one particular woman. I didn’t even know he was engaged. So he took my sentence referring to “women” and spending too money on them to mean his fiancee. Then at the end of the email, he said that I called him a loser and that he will never amount to anything. Again, I never said that either. All this brought back memories of when I had to deal with my dh when we first got married. He would say that I called him all these names and call himself all these horrible names. I never did. Now I know that is how they think of themselves. I even allowed my dh to read the email and he agreed that I never said any of what my BIL said I said. Then he sends me another email of a picture of his fiancees’ MVA and written under it said, “So you won’t judge my girlfriend, she went to work after this accident for that is what kind of woman she is.” That one angered me. I told my dh that I can’t deal with both of them and that his brother has done this before to me. His own mother won’t talk to him because he needs to be on medications and refuses to see that. He is a recovering alcoholic, but he has other problems as well.
Now, on my dh’s facebook today and I know this is for my eyes, he wrote that life is too short for family to be fighting with one another for the person you are not talking to can be gone tomorrow. What he said is true, but should I allow him back into my life and my dd’s for I told him after this last email incident to stay out of my life. I have forgiven him for I know he doesn’t know that what he does is offensive and wrong at times or comes across rude. I have heard this man call his many girlfriends horrible names. The judge has taken away his daughter and my MIL is raising her as her own. He is just one of those people who has not grown up. Like the judge said, “If you have not grown up by now, you never will.”
What would you do? Allow him back into your life and deal with the aggravation when he gives it to you, or leave things as they are?
Okay, now that being said, here is my problem. My BIL wanted to borrow about $300.00 to pay his cell phone bill. I was against it, but my dh said he would pay it back as soon as he got his job. He was between jobs. He is a trucker. I had no say in the matter, but I did send my BIL an email telling him that we expect him to pay us back from his first paycheck. I also mentioned that at this point in his life, he should have a savings account to fall on for situations like this. You see he spends his money on women and sex and doesn’t save any of it. That is why I was against lending him money. Honestly, that is all I wrote in the email. Oh, I mentioned that if he saved his money instead of spending it on so many women, he would have some to pay his cell phone bill for he is old enough and should have a nice savings by now. He is 45 years old. Well, he called my husband’s cell and left a message. I heard the message first and in that he called me an a**hole. I didn’t say anything that deserved that. Then he wrote me an email back and told me that I should not talk about his woman that way and cussed some more at me. Mind you, I did not say anything about any one particular woman. I didn’t even know he was engaged. So he took my sentence referring to “women” and spending too money on them to mean his fiancee. Then at the end of the email, he said that I called him a loser and that he will never amount to anything. Again, I never said that either. All this brought back memories of when I had to deal with my dh when we first got married. He would say that I called him all these names and call himself all these horrible names. I never did. Now I know that is how they think of themselves. I even allowed my dh to read the email and he agreed that I never said any of what my BIL said I said. Then he sends me another email of a picture of his fiancees’ MVA and written under it said, “So you won’t judge my girlfriend, she went to work after this accident for that is what kind of woman she is.” That one angered me. I told my dh that I can’t deal with both of them and that his brother has done this before to me. His own mother won’t talk to him because he needs to be on medications and refuses to see that. He is a recovering alcoholic, but he has other problems as well.
Now, on my dh’s facebook today and I know this is for my eyes, he wrote that life is too short for family to be fighting with one another for the person you are not talking to can be gone tomorrow. What he said is true, but should I allow him back into my life and my dd’s for I told him after this last email incident to stay out of my life. I have forgiven him for I know he doesn’t know that what he does is offensive and wrong at times or comes across rude. I have heard this man call his many girlfriends horrible names. The judge has taken away his daughter and my MIL is raising her as her own. He is just one of those people who has not grown up. Like the judge said, “If you have not grown up by now, you never will.”
What would you do? Allow him back into your life and deal with the aggravation when he gives it to you, or leave things as they are?
I am painfully learning this in my own life. I actually deleted a LOT of family and friends from my friends list on FB because of the grief and stress that came with our relationship on FB. Unfortunately it created drama but I have to remember, the do not know my soul nor my struggles with bitterness and gossip because of their FB comments and messages. They still gossip behind my back and judge greatly my past, present and future, but now I don’t have to face it each day. I am really realizing they live differently than I and their perception toward life is straying from God and Catholic centered to talk-show host-like, a.k.a. drama centered. My husband and I go back and forth on whether or not to address these issues face to face for peace in the family, but I hesitate due to the others lying to cover their tracks (even with proof of their own statements presented to them). LaLucia is right, forgive but there is no need to subject yourself to their antics, craziness, and drama.
