need advice

  • Thread starter Thread starter Lorik
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Lorik, you are doing the right thing. I’m so sorry that it’s causing a rift for you in your family. I can’t even imagine the position your in, especially when your husband isn’t backing you up. I think the best thing you can do is pray for your husband to have the strength to protect your daughter and put her first before his father. It sounds like he still has a lot to deal with. I can’t even imagine if my own father did something like this. It must be very hard to live with.

It does really sound like your FIL is still being manipulative and playing games. He doesn’t sounds “cured” to me. And it sounds like the rest of the family is going right back to their role of enabling it. I hope you and your daughter get through this ok.
 
I understand your situation – suffice it to say, been there, done that. 😦

And I can also say that I do know of one person who has struggled with these tendencies, and has truly repented (still wouldn’t tempt him by allowing him to be alone with my dc). If your FIL was repentant and truly “cured” he would NOT have reacted the way he did. He would be understanding of your hesitation, and accept it as a consequence for his actions.

Just wanted to add that a very common characteristic of pedophiles is manipulation. Most of them are very, very good at it.
 
Lorik,

Just a couple more thoughts:

First off, pat on the back Great Job!!!

Secondly, be careful of the manipluation. I want to recommend to you a couple of books not necessarily related to just sexual abuse but more to manipulative parents.

One is called “Toxic Parents” and the other is called “Toxic In-laws”. They are both by a lady named Susan Black (I think). You can find them on bn.com I think the Toxic-In-law book would be geared towards your situation and the toxic parent would be helpful to your husband once he comes to grips with things. They aren’t specifically christian books but they contain a lot of good advice.

You’ll be in our prayers. Keep us posted.

Jeff

And Kirabira: thanks for the nod
 
I ordered the book. It sounds like it will be very helpful, thank you!
 
Just to add… good for you. Don’t let yourself feel like the bad guy you aren’t.

-D
 
Lori,

Way to go! I know it’s a difficult situation and you feel horrible, but you have done a good thing.

I would suggest that you call a spade a spade and trust God to deal with hurt feelings. This will be totally liberating to you and your family in the long run.

Also, I would have a serious talk with your daughter. You cannot always protect her, you cannot always guarantee being present to safeguard her. Depending on her age, you can give her information sufficient to protect herself, should the unthinkable happen. You must give her permission in advance to say no as forcefully as it takes to get the point across.

May God bless you with wisdom and courage!
 
IMHO it is better to do, than wish you did. In other words, you may never know if something was prevented by not allowing your daughter to be alone with your father-in-law. But you will also not be wishing you didn’t when it is too late.

This might sound wierd, but I would seriously consider the spiritual warfare aspect of this. Something as heinous as child sexual abuse almost always has elements of demonization. We are blessed as Catholics to have many beautiful sacramentals. If this man is ever in your home, light a blessed candle. Pray the hedge prayer for your daughter. Keeping her away from him will not prevent him from fantasizing about her. I believe this does violate ones spirit. Be like a sheep among wolves, trust in God and sleep peacefully. I can’t remember who said this, but I like it:

“Trust in God, but lock your doors.”
 
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pittsburghjeff:
Listen to me. DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER leave your child with a known pedophile. You are just asking for trouble. Don’t expect your mother in law to protect her. She wasn’t successful in protecting the boys that were molested before.

As a prosecutor I deal with sexual abuse cases every day.
These clowns get access to children by buffaloing the parents into trusting them. Psychologically, the call that behavior “grooming.” The pedophiles seduce the parents (by gaining their trust) to have access to the children.

I love my wife more than anything in the world, but I would seek a civil divorce from her if she insisted on letting a child of ours anywhere near a pedophile. You need to put your foot down on this.
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I AGREE 100%, everyone, listen he is RIGHT!
 
Jesus only said its our job to (forgive)…he never said to “forget”…GOD (forgets)

Dont allow the child to be with him…you are accomplishing two things…protecting your child from the possibility of harm, AND you are keeping the person from a “near occassion of sin”
 
I just wanted to let you know that you are doing the right thing! Stick to it. Your husband loves his father, and it is right to give him support if he is truly repented…but you MUST protect your daughter.

I am in a similar situation with a family member of my husband’s. And we do not allow our son around him with out us there. No exceptions. The family member knows we support him in his rehabilitation, and hopefully your FIL will understand one day too.

Keep up the GREAT parenting!! You, and your family, are in my prayers.

🙂 Lilder
 
you’ve gotten alot of responses already that say the same exact thing i am going to say, but this subject is very near and dear to my heart so i feel i need to add my 2 cents.

first, i just want to THANK YOU for protecting your daughter. i was your daughter’s age when i was molested by a teacher. the horror of it sticks with me to this day as it will forever. it almost took my life until i got the help i needed.

the aftermath of sexual abuse is something so serious. people don’t understand how it infiltrates every aspect of your life. quite honestly, i am mortified and deeply saddened by your husband’s apparent lack of outrage at the horrific things his father did to children. but i am not here to judge…

please know that you are SO courageous for keeping your daughter safe in spite of the lack of familial support. i can’t express enough how important it is to me to see parents protect their children from such harm. i agree that now is the perfect time to age-appropriately discuss with her about the sacredness of her body. had i known more at that age, i might have told someone and gotten out of the situation…

i will be praying so hard for you and your family.
God’s blessings to you.
 
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