Need advice

[DaisyJen]

I have an issue (actually two issues) that really have me on edge. I’m hoping someone can provide guidance as to how I can handle them in a way that’s fair to both me and my husband.

I’m a newlywed, been married about six months after dating for more than three years. Hubby and I are both in our mid 30s, first marriage for both. I’m a practicing Catholic; he’s a nonpracticing Catholic, though he accompanies me to Mass on occasion.

When we got married, we both agreed that we would be open to the possibility of children, but we’re not in a place financially to support them right now, so we’re holding off on those plans for the immediate future. (I’m also currently taking medication that I can’t take should I become pregnant, so that’s another reason we’re waiting.) We’re using NFP to prevent pregnancy (learned it through a home-study program). The problem is that my husband is SO worried about us becoming pregnant, even though we’re using NFP, that we have sex maybe once a month, twice a month at most. I certainly don’t need to be intimate every day, but I feel rejected and lacking in a physical connection with him…and the sad thing is, I don’t think he feels anything is lacking. Often, he’ll go to bed two hours later than I do, which eliminates the possibility that we’ll be having sex that night. On the nights when we do go to bed at the same time, it’s because he has an early day at work the next day, so he basically wants to get right to sleep. I’ve talked to him about it in a non-accusing way, just trying to understand his position, but he either gets defensive, or just says “I don’t know” when I ask him what’s going on. (This is typical of his communication style; we took a course in communication before we got married, so we both know the “right” and “wrong” ways to do things, but when it comes to important issues, it’s rare that I can get more than a few words out of him. Conversely, he’ll get defensive right away, and I decide to back off before I retaliate in kind.)

So there’s that issue, and then there’s something else that’s been bothering me. He’s a “gamer,” meaning that he plays games on the Internet (something I have absolutely no interest in). Some days he plays only a few minutes, but most days he plays at least an hour or two, and sometimes he’ll literally play from after dinner until he goes to bed around midnight (which is the reason he goes to bed later than I do). I’m trying not to be the “nagging wife,” and I’m happy that he has a hobby he enjoys. (I myself love to read, and can definitely spend several hours a night doing so if I had the time.) However, the nature of what he does is so isolating…his computer is in another room, so while he’s playing his games, I’m all alone and left to fend for myself. Often times, I’ll spend those hours reading or hanging out with our dogs; however if I call him out on his computer time, he says I’m always busy with my books or the dogs, so that’s why he plays so much. (Which is completely untrue…I find other things to do BECAUSE he’s gaming, and would put aside whatever I’m doing in a heartbeat if he suggested doing something together.)

Sorry for the long post, but can anyone provide advice on how I can talk to him about this? Like I said, he’s a man of few words, and he can be passive aggressive, which sometimes makes the act of communicating with him a tiring experience. I have no delusions that I’m perfect, and I’m sure I do things that drive him bonkers, too, but if he won’t communicate those things to me, how am I supposed to know about them? At heart, he’s a very good man, and is a great husband in so many other ways, but these issues are really wearing on me. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

 

[stephe1987]

I think you should find activities that you both enjoy and spend time together. Some days it’s nice to read or play games online, but other nights you should do stuff together. Go for a walk, watch a TV show that you both like or play a game together.

Also, plan a weekly “date night” where you two go out. Go to dinner, see a movie, etc.

 

[PennyinCanada]

How is your charting and such going? He should be included in the signs you see, the temperature readings and such, so that he can gain confidence in the science behind NFP. I could always tell when my ovulation was delayed, when it happened, when I could expect my period. Walking along in a month will give him confidence that you can actually do this.

As you are learning how to be a married couple, things will straighten out. You want more signs of affection. How about ‘Thank yous’ and ‘I appreciate that you did such and such’. There are times when I can see my husband is tired, and I like to tell him how he’s my hero. Some days can just grind a person down. You both will figure it out as you go. It’s a journey but you’ll be together.

 

[LongingSoul]

I have an issue (actually two issues) that really have me on edge. I’m hoping someone can provide guidance as to how I can handle them in a way that’s fair to both me and my husband.

I’m a newlywed, been married about six months after dating for more than three years. Hubby and I are both in our mid 30s, first marriage for both. I’m a practicing Catholic; he’s a nonpracticing Catholic, though he accompanies me to Mass on occasion.

When we got married, we both agreed that we would be open to the possibility of children, but we’re not in a place financially to support them right now, so we’re holding off on those plans for the immediate future. (I’m also currently taking medication that I can’t take should I become pregnant, so that’s another reason we’re waiting.) We’re using NFP to prevent pregnancy (learned it through a home-study program). The problem is that my husband is SO worried about us becoming pregnant, even though we’re using NFP, that we have sex maybe once a month, twice a month at most. I certainly don’t need to be intimate every day, but I feel rejected and lacking in a physical connection with him…and the sad thing is, I don’t think he feels anything is lacking. Often, he’ll go to bed two hours later than I do, which eliminates the possibility that we’ll be having sex that night. On the nights when we do go to bed at the same time, it’s because he has an early day at work the next day, so he basically wants to get right to sleep. I’ve talked to him about it in a non-accusing way, just trying to understand his position, but he either gets defensive, or just says “I don’t know” when I ask him what’s going on. (This is typical of his communication style; we took a course in communication before we got married, so we both know the “right” and “wrong” ways to do things, but when it comes to important issues, it’s rare that I can get more than a few words out of him. Conversely, he’ll get defensive right away, and I decide to back off before I retaliate in kind.)

So there’s that issue, and then there’s something else that’s been bothering me. He’s a “gamer,” meaning that he plays games on the Internet (something I have absolutely no interest in). Some days he plays only a few minutes, but most days he plays at least an hour or two, and sometimes he’ll literally play from after dinner until he goes to bed around midnight (which is the reason he goes to bed later than I do). I’m trying not to be the “nagging wife,” and I’m happy that he has a hobby he enjoys. (I myself love to read, and can definitely spend several hours a night doing so if I had the time.) However, the nature of what he does is so isolating…his computer is in another room, so while he’s playing his games, I’m all alone and left to fend for myself. Often times, I’ll spend those hours reading or hanging out with our dogs; however if I call him out on his computer time, he says I’m always busy with my books or the dogs, so that’s why he plays so much. (Which is completely untrue…I find other things to do BECAUSE he’s gaming, and would put aside whatever I’m doing in a heartbeat if he suggested doing something together.)

Sorry for the long post, but can anyone provide advice on how I can talk to him about this? Like I said, he’s a man of few words, and he can be passive aggressive, which sometimes makes the act of communicating with him a tiring experience. I have no delusions that I’m perfect, and I’m sure I do things that drive him bonkers, too, but if he won’t communicate those things to me, how am I supposed to know about them? At heart, he’s a very good man, and is a great husband in so many other ways, but these issues are really wearing on me. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

You know, it’s never too early to have some marriage counselling lest your resentment and his defensiveness become an ingrained pattern. He could perhaps be mild Aspergers and it helps a lot to understand this syndrome and its difficulties with intimacy?

If you are open to the idea of counselling, try and sell it to him in a light hearted way and not like it’s horribly serious. I’ve been involved with a Catholic counselling org. for a long time and have seen many newly marrieds wisely use the service to get off to a healthy start on the journey.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I have an issue (actually two issues) that really have me on edge. I’m hoping someone can provide guidance as to how I can handle them in a way that’s fair to both me and my husband.

I’m a newlywed, been married about six months after dating for more than three years. Hubby and I are both in our mid 30s, first marriage for both. I’m a practicing Catholic; he’s a nonpracticing Catholic, though he accompanies me to Mass on occasion.

When we got married, we both agreed that we would be open to the possibility of children, but we’re not in a place financially to support them right now, so we’re holding off on those plans for the immediate future. (I’m also currently taking medication that I can’t take should I become pregnant, so that’s another reason we’re waiting.) We’re using NFP to prevent pregnancy (learned it through a home-study program). The problem is that my husband is SO worried about us becoming pregnant, even though we’re using NFP, that we have sex maybe once a month, twice a month at most. I certainly don’t need to be intimate every day, but I feel rejected and lacking in a physical connection with him…and the sad thing is, I don’t think he feels anything is lacking. Often, he’ll go to bed two hours later than I do, which eliminates the possibility that we’ll be having sex that night. On the nights when we do go to bed at the same time, it’s because he has an early day at work the next day, so he basically wants to get right to sleep. I’ve talked to him about it in a non-accusing way, just trying to understand his position, but he either gets defensive, or just says “I don’t know” when I ask him what’s going on. (This is typical of his communication style; we took a course in communication before we got married, so we both know the “right” and “wrong” ways to do things, but when it comes to important issues, it’s rare that I can get more than a few words out of him. Conversely, he’ll get defensive right away, and I decide to back off before I retaliate in kind.)

So there’s that issue, and then there’s something else that’s been bothering me. He’s a “gamer,” meaning that he plays games on the Internet (something I have absolutely no interest in). Some days he plays only a few minutes, but most days he plays at least an hour or two, and sometimes he’ll literally play from after dinner until he goes to bed around midnight (which is the reason he goes to bed later than I do). I’m trying not to be the “nagging wife,” and I’m happy that he has a hobby he enjoys. (I myself love to read, and can definitely spend several hours a night doing so if I had the time.) However, the nature of what he does is so isolating…his computer is in another room, so while he’s playing his games, I’m all alone and left to fend for myself. Often times, I’ll spend those hours reading or hanging out with our dogs; however if I call him out on his computer time, he says I’m always busy with my books or the dogs, so that’s why he plays so much. (Which is completely untrue…I find other things to do BECAUSE he’s gaming, and would put aside whatever I’m doing in a heartbeat if he suggested doing something together.)

Sorry for the long post, but can anyone provide advice on how I can talk to him about this? Like I said, he’s a man of few words, and he can be passive aggressive, which sometimes makes the act of communicating with him a tiring experience. I have no delusions that I’m perfect, and I’m sure I do things that drive him bonkers, too, but if he won’t communicate those things to me, how am I supposed to know about them? At heart, he’s a very good man, and is a great husband in so many other ways, but these issues are really wearing on me. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

Playing on-line computer games for a long time is not healthy for your marriage and I do not like hearing that kind of stuff from a woman because video games can kill a man’s romantic life.

As someone already said, find things that you both enjoy.

Communication is absolutely critical, and you may need to make that point crystal clear to him.

 

[DaisyJen]

Thank you, everyone, for the replies. I was considering looking into counseling; I think that’s something we would both benefit from.

I knew right from the get go that he was a gamer, but because we didn’t live together before we were married, I had no idea just how much he really played. It’s been an eye opener, for sure. He does it for fun, but I also think sometimes it’s a passive aggressive thing…if he’s a little annoyed about something, he’ll head into his “man cave” to play games as a way to “punish” me.

When we dated, we did all kinds of things together… Concerts, plays, sporting events. He would invite me to things all the time. Now, we hardly go anywhere, and if we do go somewhere, I’m the one who has to plan it. I kind of feel like I’m the victim of a bait and switch. I was wondering if maybe he has some form of depression, but when I brought it up (gently), he insisted he wasn’t depressed.

I don’t want to make it sound all doom and gloom. We have great times together and do love each other. I suppose that’s what makes our issues so frustrating.

 

[Joseph73]

we have sex maybe once a month, twice a month at most. I certainly don’t need to be intimate every day, but I feel rejected

I’m so sorry to hear that sweetheart. To feel unwanted can be a terrible feeling. I wonder if he knows how much this is hurting you?

 

[Xantippe]

“The problem is that my husband is SO worried about us becoming pregnant, even though we’re using NFP, that we have sex maybe once a month, twice a month at most.”

If you’re doing symptothermal, Phase 3 is very, very safe and you should be able to manage way more than once or twice a month. As your charting history gets longer and longer, you should have more and more available time and more confidence.

Are you quite sure that he actually wants to have sex?

" I certainly don’t need to be intimate every day, but I feel rejected and lacking in a physical connection with him…and the sad thing is, I don’t think he feels anything is lacking."

That would be my concern, too.

“Often, he’ll go to bed two hours later than I do, which eliminates the possibility that we’ll be having sex that night.”

There’s no reason at all why his going to bed later than you should eliminate the possibility.

However, he probably should be going to bed at the same time as you on work nights.

“I’ve talked to him about it in a non-accusing way, just trying to understand his position, but he either gets defensive, or just says “I don’t know” when I ask him what’s going on. (This is typical of his communication style; we took a course in communication before we got married, so we both know the “right” and “wrong” ways to do things, but when it comes to important issues, it’s rare that I can get more than a few words out of him. Conversely, he’ll get defensive right away, and I decide to back off before I retaliate in kind.)”

I think you need a third party now, because this is not getting better on its own.

It may be that 1) your husband just isn’t interested and/or 2) he’s got an addiction to internet games.

“Often times, I’ll spend those hours reading or hanging out with our dogs; however if I call him out on his computer time, he says I’m always busy with my books or the dogs, so that’s why he plays so much. (Which is completely untrue…I find other things to do BECAUSE he’s gaming, and would put aside whatever I’m doing in a heartbeat if he suggested doing something together.)”

Maybe check in with him every half hour?

I personally LOVE my internet and so does my husband, and I know exactly how hard it is to peel off or to get a spouse to peel off. However, at some point in the evening, my husband and I check in with each other, have some ice cream and fruit and watch some TV or a movie. That’s the minimum. We also quickly discuss tomorrow’s schedule and we might (if we’re really over-achieving) do some other important family business. (It’s hard to get much done earlier in the day with the kids up.) Talk to your husband about working up a rough schedule for the evening and then hold him to it.

 

[Xantippe]

Monicad said:

"If your husband is not they type of man to talk about his feelings it will be hard to force this out of him. I urge you to focus on his good points. Rather than ruminate about how he plays games, tell him you love him, tell him how grateful you are that you married him! Focus on the positive in your relationship. Do all you can to treat him with love, love and more love.

“I am encouraging you to do all that you can do to change yourself for the time being, because you cannot change your husband. Change how you behave at home, change how you contribute to this scenario. That in no way means that this is your fault, only that you probably contribute, even if in a small way as we all do in a marriage. Try and be positive and encourage your husband to be the loving husband that you married. If he is really facing some kind of gaming addiction then you will have to seek counseling or the advice of a priest. I am sorry you are going through this. God bless you.”

I think this is probably putting too much on the OP, as video games and the internet are highly addictive, so there doesn’t need to be any problem with her that’s driving him off to his games. He may just really love his games.

If this is an addiction, we should not expect the OP to be able to charm him away from his console, anymore than we would expect her to be able to charm him away from the bottle if he were an alcoholic.

Things aren’t necessarily that serious, and she should put in an effort to find alternate activities. One thing I would definitely suggest is cultivating her own (female) friendships and do a book club or a girls’ night out. She can ask him, “Do you need me tomorrow night? I’m thinking of going to a new book club,” and then proceed accordingly. He may not understand the need to spend time with her because she’s there all the time.

 

[chevalier]

So there’s that issue, and then there’s something else that’s been bothering me. He’s a “gamer,” meaning that he plays games on the Internet (something I have absolutely no interest in). Some days he plays only a few minutes, but most days he plays at least an hour or two, and sometimes he’ll literally play from after dinner until he goes to bed around midnight (which is the reason he goes to bed later than I do). I’m trying not to be the “nagging wife,” and I’m happy that he has a hobby he enjoys. (I myself love to read, and can definitely spend several hours a night doing so if I had the time.) However, the nature of what he does is so isolating…his computer is in another room, so while he’s playing his games, I’m all alone and left to fend for myself. Often times, I’ll spend those hours reading or hanging out with our dogs; however if I call him out on his computer time, he says I’m always busy with my books or the dogs, so that’s why he plays so much. (Which is completely untrue…I find other things to do BECAUSE he’s gaming, and would put aside whatever I’m doing in a heartbeat if he suggested doing something together.)

Communication. You guys need to communicate. You’re both introverts, and you may also be just a little egocentric in the sense of each expecting the other to guess, make the first move etc. while still expecting that your timing will be followed.

Now, each of you needs to be able to give up control and certainty in regard to when you get to do your own things or when you get to get some attention from the other. This means having to wait sometimes and having to drop whatever you were doing at other times.

 

[chevalier]

He does it for fun, but I also think sometimes it’s a passive aggressive thing…if he’s a little annoyed about something, he’ll head into his “man cave” to play games as a way to “punish” me.

Gaming is a lot like books in that it theoretically falls under ‘fun’, but when you, say, read about master spies in cold war or Byzantine art or exotic ecosystems, then it isn’t really ‘fun’ in the typical sense. Games can involve all that and more. They can contain more on-screen text than a large novel, they contain some really serious specific information about interesting things and intellectual exercise, then there’s psychology and moral choices, and sometimes a sandbox for your economic or management or other ideas, depending what exactly you play. And there can be at least as much action in a computer game as in a film (things that move on the screen and all), except it’s interactive.

I’d say it’s perhaps shutting in on his part, as in disappearing into his own world for a while. Every man does that, except the others take the car and ride out or go fishing or fishing or get a beer or five with their buddies, or just take the dog out for a longer walk. Those coping mechanisms are more traditional and more familiar, but it’s really the same thing unless perhaps he’s addicted or something. So I wouldn’t see it as trying to ‘punish’ you unless it really looks vindictive.

Also, perhaps you don’t know this, but gamers face a lot of prejudice. It’s like racism even. A vicious circle, it’s always wrong because it’s a game, and people often fail to see that while they blame you for playing multiplayer games online with your friends and ‘wasting time’ or ‘acting like a child’, but they don’t see in the same light when they just sit down and gossip or watch TV with their friends. They will complain about you living in a fictitious world, but they’ll read fiction books themselves or watch films. I could name a couple more examples (such as a gamer’s ‘time alone’ vs the typical person’s in terms of productivity, intellectual worth or whatever’s at issue), but let’s just say the prejudices and double standards really get to you. Not only that, some people will just simply laugh at you, point with fingers, whatever, because you’re different. And so the gap widens.

When we dated, we did all kinds of things together… Concerts, plays, sporting events. He would invite me to things all the time. Now, we hardly go anywhere, and if we do go somewhere, I’m the one who has to plan it. I kind of feel like I’m the victim of a bait and switch. I was wondering if maybe he has some form of depression, but when I brought it up (gently), he insisted he wasn’t depressed.

I don’t want to make it sound all doom and gloom. We have great times together and do love each other. I suppose that’s what makes our issues so frustrating.

I’m sorry to hear that. I hope it’s just that he needs time to adjust or something, but some gamers do reach the point of needing help, not because they’re gamers per se but because of the removal from the external world.