Need Advice....

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Teresa52

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I wrote a while back after my husband (of 18 years) had left me. He told me he wanted a separation, then two days later left for the weekend to go be with a woman he’d met online a few months earlier. I moved out of our apartment and into my parents house. He “dated” this woman for a couple of months, then moved to a new apartment and she moved in with him. He ended up moving her out (his choice) and recently began to contact me, asking me to try again with him.

I have asked for advice from some of my Catholic friends and they seem to think I should not forgive him and that I should continue on with the divorce. My husband is not Catholic, and when we were together I didn’t attend Mass much. I also suffer from panic attacks and agoraphobia, though this has been getting better since our separation. In fact I’ve begun to get much more involved at my Church as well.

When I ask my family, they (mostly) are leaning toward forgiveness.

I am very confused. I don’t know what to do, whether to forgive and try again or to continue on with the divorce. I’m not even sure I still love him?

I need some advice.

Thanks!
 
Praying for your healing and forgiveness. Praying for your husbands salvation.

Your husband cheated on you and now wants forgiveness and reconciliation. The choice is ultimately yours as to what to do. You can forgive him for what he has done. This doesn’t mean you have to take him back. There is still the issue of trusting him not to hurt you again. There is a wounding to your marriage and to your heart that still is there that needs to be healed. Nevertheless, you have been married for 18 years and this should not be taken lightly. Do you have kids? That is another consideration. What your husband did was very wrong. But, if he is truly sorry then withholding him forgiveness may be to punish him for what he did to you. Ultimately, this will just hurt you in the end.

Part of being a Catholic is to learn to follow Jesus’ example of forgiveness. He forgave those who were crucifying him on the cross. Forgiveness is not saying that what they did was not wrong or not a big deal. It is a big deal! They were crucifying the Son of God. Rather forgiveness involves acknowledging that what was done is wrong, but at the same time offering them mercy. It can be very difficult to do and can take time. Simply because we are wounded people. God understands our human frailty.

Why should we forgive? Well, besides the psychological benefits that psychologists tell us, because Jesus taught us to forgive others as our Heavenly Father has forgiven us for our own trespasses. You have been wounded deeply by your husband. Now, you have some idea of what our Lord went through when he was betrayed, scourged, insulted, and then nailed to a cross. Yet, Jesus chose to forgive them because he had an eternal view. He was thinking of their salvation rather than himself. He was offering himself for their salvation.

And, then he calls us to bear our own cross. Think of our own offences and how we have wounded God through our own sins. Do we deserve to be forgiven? No, but because God is merciful and love he forgives us rather than abandoning us to perdition. He still sees some good in us that is worth saving. He sees the potential in us to be his children of light. And, since we receive God’s merciful love we are to extend that same mercy to others. Not because they deserve it, but because it is who we are as forgiven children of God. To be merciful as God is merciful. To have a heart transformed by love and mercy. That is what God wants us to be.

We forgive others because we want to be forgiven as well. We have all sinned. Thus, the only way to start the healing process is to forgive one another.
 
You should forgive him but that does not necessarily mean that you should resume the marriage relationship.

Strangers on the internet can hardly answer such intensely personal questions. You should consult your pastor, your physician, and a professional family counselor. Questions to ask are: Are you validly married in a Catholic sense? Is this marriage good or bad for your health?
 
You could suggest, ,that if he wants you back, then he must start again,
Start dating you, take you to the movies,take you to places that interest you both,
Make him work for your attention as if you had only just met,
And if you feel no connection, no spark, no tingle , then you know it’s over,
 
Don’t do anything right now. Be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal. Just tell him you need time and you can’t commit to anything right now. Get yourself together first and then you will know what you should do.
God Bless You!
 
phil_at_dayboro said:
You could suggest, ,that if he wants you back, then he must start again,
Start dating you, take you to the movies,take you to places that interest you both,
Make him work for your attention as if you had only just met,
And if you feel no connection, no spark, no tingle , then you know it’s over,
Click to expand...
👍👍👍
 
Teresa52 said:
I wrote a while back after my husband (of 18 years) had left me. He told me he wanted a separation, then two days later left for the weekend to go be with a woman he’d met online a few months earlier. I moved out of our apartment and into my parents house. He “dated” this woman for a couple of months, then moved to a new apartment and she moved in with him. He ended up moving her out (his choice) and recently began to contact me, asking me to try again with him.

I have asked for advice from some of my Catholic friends and they seem to think I should not forgive him and that I should continue on with the divorce. My husband is not Catholic, and when we were together I didn’t attend Mass much. I also suffer from panic attacks and agoraphobia, though this has been getting better since our separation. In fact I’ve begun to get much more involved at my Church as well.

When I ask my family, they (mostly) are leaning toward forgiveness.

I am very confused. I don’t know what to do, whether to forgive and try again or to continue on with the divorce. I’m not even sure I still love him?

I need some advice.

Thanks!
Click to expand...
Praying for the intentions of you & your husband.
 
Praying for you to make the right decision. I would take my time and make a list of pros and cons of taking him back and ask myself if there’s a chance he would do this again given another opportunity. Good luck!
 
I am hoping someone can relate to my story. I am a very devout Catholic and I attend Mass every week. I got engaged about a year and a half ago. My fiancé is not Catholic and he was married before. Since my religion is so important to me we have decided to get married in the church. However the process for that to happen requires my fiancé to get an annulment through the church since he has been married before. This is very new to both of us and since we have started the process, he is getting frustrated with the process and the length of time it takes. I try to understand where he is coming from and try to put myself in his shoes but it is hard since I have never been in that sort of situation. I tell him to just have patience and pray and God will help us through this. Is there anyone on here that can offer some guidance or that us going through the same situation as my fiancé and I? I would really appreciate anyone’s help! God bless! -Ashley
 
Teresa52 said:
I wrote a while back after my husband (of 18 years) had left me. He told me he wanted a separation, then two days later left for the weekend to go be with a woman he’d met online a few months earlier. I moved out of our apartment and into my parents house. He “dated” this woman for a couple of months, then moved to a new apartment and she moved in with him. He ended up moving her out (his choice) and recently began to contact me, asking me to try again with him.

I have asked for advice from some of my Catholic friends and they seem to think I should not forgive him and that I should continue on with the divorce. My husband is not Catholic, and when we were together I didn’t attend Mass much. I also suffer from panic attacks and agoraphobia, though this has been getting better since our separation. In fact I’ve begun to get much more involved at my Church as well.

When I ask my family, they (mostly) are leaning toward forgiveness.

I am very confused. I don’t know what to do, whether to forgive and try again or to continue on with the divorce. I’m not even sure I still love him?

I need some advice.

Thanks!
Click to expand...
Can you go to a counselor to discuss your options, preferably a Catholic counselor through Catholic Social Services?

Is it a valid marriage? If it is, Catholics believe we can’t get remarried in the Church. If it can be annuled, then it never was valid to begin with and you can.

If you do want to get back together, then you might want to consider getting marriage counseling to find out what went wrong so that it doesn’t repeat.
 
Lord, please grant this woman Your wisdom! I beg You to send angels her way to guide her. Please let those of good counsel approach her in her time of trial.
 
Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
fisherman_carl said:
Praying for your healing and forgiveness. Praying for your husbands salvation.

Your husband cheated on you and now wants forgiveness and reconciliation. The choice is ultimately yours as to what to do. You can forgive him for what he has done. This doesn’t mean you have to take him back. There is still the issue of trusting him not to hurt you again. There is a wounding to your marriage and to your heart that still is there that needs to be healed. Nevertheless, you have been married for 18 years and this should not be taken lightly. Do you have kids? That is another consideration. What your husband did was very wrong. But, if he is truly sorry then withholding him forgiveness may be to punish him for what he did to you. Ultimately, this will just hurt you in the end.

Part of being a Catholic is to learn to follow Jesus’ example of forgiveness. He forgave those who were crucifying him on the cross. Forgiveness is not saying that what they did was not wrong or not a big deal. It is a big deal! They were crucifying the Son of God. Rather forgiveness involves acknowledging that what was done is wrong, but at the same time offering them mercy. It can be very difficult to do and can take time. Simply because we are wounded people. God understands our human frailty.

Why should we forgive? Well, besides the psychological benefits that psychologists tell us, because Jesus taught us to forgive others as our Heavenly Father has forgiven us for our own trespasses. You have been wounded deeply by your husband. Now, you have some idea of what our Lord went through when he was betrayed, scourged, insulted, and then nailed to a cross. Yet, Jesus chose to forgive them because he had an eternal view. He was thinking of their salvation rather than himself. He was offering himself for their salvation.

And, then he calls us to bear our own cross. Think of our own offences and how we have wounded God through our own sins. Do we deserve to be forgiven? No, but because God is merciful and love he forgives us rather than abandoning us to perdition. He still sees some good in us that is worth saving. He sees the potential in us to be his children of light. And, since we receive God’s merciful love we are to extend that same mercy to others. Not because they deserve it, but because it is who we are as forgiven children of God. To be merciful as God is merciful. To have a heart transformed by love and mercy. That is what God wants us to be.

We forgive others because we want to be forgiven as well. We have all sinned. Thus, the only way to start the healing process is to forgive one another.
Click to expand...
Good advise. I too will pray for your healing and his salvation. You have been betrayed and trust takes time. Yes, forgive but realize you need time to heal before deciding anything. Forgiveness isn’t always a “feeling” - it is an act of mercy and love which is a decision. Healing though always takes time. It is ok for you to have this time. Pray for your husband and draw closer to our Lord during this time. Go to the Adoration Chapel at your parish and ask our Lord to guide you. Sit and be loved by the Lord…He is waiting for you. This is a very healing experience. I will be praying for you dear one.

mlz
 
Thank you so much for all your advice! It is a very hard situation. I feel as if I have forgiven him, but I am unsure whether I could ever have the trust necessary again to have a marriage with him. He keeps promising me that he has changed, but how could I ever know? Before this there were issues with internet porn, etc. that caused issues in our marriage. I just don’t know what to do. I lean toward divorce, but then I seem to keep feeling sorry for him, but is this really the basis for a marriage?

Again, thanks so much for the advice and I will take things slowly and spend time with Our Lord and try to discern his leading.

Teresa
 
I had a friend who was dating someone and she had a dream where her arm was broken, and she interpreted it as God telling her that she needed to be in a new relationship. She broke up with him and is now happily married to someone else. From my perspective, the whole dream thing sounded unbelievable, but I am not God. 😉

Will keep you in my prayers.
 
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