Need advise on a situation involving cohabitation

[kbwall]

Please, I need advise for my situation. I do not desire your judgement, I am well aware I made a mistake and should not have gotten into this mess. But that’s not exactly going to help me.

A couple months ago, against my better judgement, I made the hasty decision to move in with my girlfriend. Now I am realizing the spiritual error of my action, and I feel horrible about it. I felt like I have contributed to the part of society that I loathe, and that I have cheapened the entire union of marriage, But I am too financially committed to pull out now, and I love my girlfriend.

We go 50/50 on the bills, and neither of us could afford to live here on our own. I can’t, in good conscience, just abandon her to take care of all these bills that I said I would take care of (if anybody moves out, it’ll be me, since she paid for more furniture and stuff than I did). Likewise, I can’t afford her bills in addition to whatever bills I would have to pay if I moved. And since it’s a one bedroom apartment, she is unlikely to get a roommate to help her. I wouldn’t want to do that to anybody, let alone my girlfriend. Staying with parents is not an option for either us; hers are deceased and mine are not only unbearable, but in a completely different city than where my work and school are, and I can’t afford that kind of gas. I feel financially stuck. But it is about a lot more than the money.

I also really do love her, and I want to marry her someday. I would go ahead and marry her ASAP, but she has financial situations to resolve before she can get married (this can take anywhere from a couple months to three years), so it’s going to be awhile before we get married. It seems impractical to have a relationship continue chastely after fornication has already occurred. She is the most serious girlfriend I have ever had, and I love her so much, and the thought of leaving brings me pain and stress. On the other hand though, I love God, and I know fornication is wrong.

I just don’t know where to begin to resolve these issues.

 

[Robertanthony]

Hi kbwall, you say since the both of you had premarital sex it wouldn’t be conceivable to stop having sex. Do you think getting her pregnant would make you guys’ situation easier or harder? I’m not passing judgment, I’m just giving you food for thoughts. The no-sex avenue is better, probably for morality reasons, but also for very practical considerations. I pray God wil enlighten you as to what you should do and open doors accordingly. The Creator of this vast universe has your best interest at heart.

 

[Allegra]

If you love your girlfriend, then you know you must stop the fornication. There are lots of couples that have fallen into this sin and have made the decision to live chastely until they are married. It has its struggles, particularly if you are living under the same roof, but it is absolutely worth it. The second thing you have to do is figure out a way to get out of that apartment without bankrupting your girlfriend and yourself. Have you spoken to your landlord? Would it be possible for you to break your lease? What if you or your girl friend upgraded to a two-bedroom apartment and got a roommate? Would your landlord allow you to sublease this apartment to someone else? Those are the most practical avenues I can think of right now.

 

[Corki]

It seems impractical to have a relationship continue chastely after fornication has already occurred.

I think this statement is where you should focus your analysis. Would you say the same thing about another sinful act? If you had beaten your dog, would you say it is impractical to stop/find another home for the dog since beating had already occured? If you were looking at porn, would you say it was impractical to put a site blocker on your computer since viewing porn had already occurred? You should look at the morality of your actions from the perspective of today and the future, not what has already occurred.

 

[jilly4ski]

I am sorry you are in this mess. But wow this is a mess, over your heads financially, and a one bedroom for 2 people who should not be sharing a room. (This is why cohabitation is a bad idea, people get way to financially interconnected without the protections of marriage).

Anyways, you said you just entered this arraignment a few months ago? This is unfortunate. You need to go over the lease and see how long the lease is, and what penalties are incurred if you leave early. (Sometimes if you find a new renter, or if rental properties are in high demand and someone else moves in, there are no penalties or only for when the space is empty). You need to communicate with your gf, that the moment the lease is up or you can leave without penalties, you are out of there. And make a plan to actually follow through. Find a new place for the proposed time period that you can afford on your own. (The place you are currently living in is way to expensive if one of you could not alone afford a one bedroom). Encourage her to do the same.

In the mean time, I am not sure of your sleeping arraignments in a one bedroom, but you need to be sleeping in a different room from her. Put a sheet up in the living room or take over another spare space/room. Then both her room and your “space” becomes off limits to the other person no matter what. You and her need to make a plan to stop any funny business, strict rules with some kind of accountability. (Combined with frequent confession).

 

[lerapt78]

I think this statement is where you should focus your analysis. Would you say the same thing about another sinful act? If you had beaten your dog, would you say it is impractical to stop/find another home for the dog since beating had already occured? If you were looking at porn, would you say it was impractical to put a site blocker on your computer since viewing porn had already occurred? You should look at the morality of your actions from the perspective of today and the future, not what has already occurred.

OP, I think this is your best answer, though you may not have wanted to hear this. Without judgment or assumption intended, have you considered the reason you think it’s impractical to stop relations is because neither of you *want *to do so, not because neither of you are *able *to do so? I understand that it would be extremely difficult to abstain if you were sharing a bed with her, and that leaves the couch as an option. Not an appealing option obviously, but it seems as though you’re looking for advice to do the right thing.

Also, may I ask what financial obligations would prevent your girlfriend from getting married?

 

[HouseArrest]

Please, I need advise for my situation. I do not desire your judgement, I am well aware I made a mistake and should not have gotten into this mess. But that’s not exactly going to help me.

A couple months ago, against my better judgement, I made the hasty decision to move in with my girlfriend. Now I am realizing the spiritual error of my action, and I feel horrible about it. I felt like I have contributed to the part of society that I loathe, and that I have cheapened the entire union of marriage, But I am too financially committed to pull out now, and I love my girlfriend.

We go 50/50 on the bills, and neither of us could afford to live here on our own. I can’t, in good conscience, just abandon her to take care of all these bills that I said I would take care of (if anybody moves out, it’ll be me, since she paid for more furniture and stuff than I did). Likewise, I can’t afford her bills in addition to whatever bills I would have to pay if I moved. And since it’s a one bedroom apartment, she is unlikely to get a roommate to help her. I wouldn’t want to do that to anybody, let alone my girlfriend. Staying with parents is not an option for either us; hers are deceased and mine are not only unbearable, but in a completely different city than where my work and school are, and I can’t afford that kind of gas. I feel financially stuck. But it is about a lot more than the money.

I also really do love her, and I want to marry her someday. I would go ahead and marry her ASAP, but she has financial situations to resolve before she can get married (this can take anywhere from a couple months to three years), so it’s going to be awhile before we get married. It seems impractical to have a relationship continue chastely after fornication has already occurred. She is the most serious girlfriend I have ever had, and I love her so much, and the thought of leaving brings me pain and stress. On the other hand though, I love God, and I know fornication is wrong.

I just don’t know where to begin to resolve these issues.

This post is full of “I can’ts”. Have you tried any of the things you say you “can’t” do? It’s unlikely she’ll find a roommate as it is a one bedroom apartment. Have you looked? Have you looked for another apartment for yourself that may allow for you to pay some of her bills? Maybe there is a sublet somewhere cheap. Can the two of you sublet the apartment you are in now, and both find other places? Can you sell the furniture you bought to pay for a few months rent? Can one of you pick up a few more hours of work?

I don’t know if any of the ideas above are even feasible, but it is this kind of thinking outside the box that might get you a solution to your problem.

And it may be difficult, but your relationship can continue chastely. The relationship depends on it. Give it a try. No more “I can’t”.

 

[ADH]

You mentioned your remorse at this situation but what I do not see is your girlfriends thoughts feelings etc. I do see that she feels she has found someone who can help meet her financial obligations and perhaps she helps you in some way? If she is the jewel that you are seeking she would not ask you to compromise your faith or your moral standing. Asking someone to be something they are not is not love. Do you feel that if you stopped having intimate relations she would leave you for someone else? I do not know her and I hope that you will not feel I am judging you but if you don’t want to be in the confessional thirty years from now lamenting your wasted life, you will make the effort to do what is right now. At the very least stop having intimate relations. If she is unwilling to do this then you need to step back and ask what this relationship really is and what it is costing you.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Please, I need advise for my situation. I do not desire your judgement, I am well aware I made a mistake and should not have gotten into this mess. But that’s not exactly going to help me.

A couple months ago, against my better judgement, I made the hasty decision to move in with my girlfriend. Now I am realizing the spiritual error of my action, and I feel horrible about it. I felt like I have contributed to the part of society that I loathe, and that I have cheapened the entire union of marriage, But I am too financially committed to pull out now, and I love my girlfriend.

We go 50/50 on the bills, and neither of us could afford to live here on our own. I can’t, in good conscience, just abandon her to take care of all these bills that I said I would take care of (if anybody moves out, it’ll be me, since she paid for more furniture and stuff than I did). Likewise, I can’t afford her bills in addition to whatever bills I would have to pay if I moved. And since it’s a one bedroom apartment, she is unlikely to get a roommate to help her. I wouldn’t want to do that to anybody, let alone my girlfriend. Staying with parents is not an option for either us; hers are deceased and mine are not only unbearable, but in a completely different city than where my work and school are, and I can’t afford that kind of gas. I feel financially stuck. But it is about a lot more than the money.

I also really do love her, and I want to marry her someday. I would go ahead and marry her ASAP, but she has financial situations to resolve before she can get married (this can take anywhere from a couple months to three years), so it’s going to be awhile before we get married. It seems impractical to have a relationship continue chastely after fornication has already occurred. She is the most serious girlfriend I have ever had, and I love her so much, and the thought of leaving brings me pain and stress. On the other hand though, I love God, and I know fornication is wrong.

I just don’t know where to begin to resolve these issues.

Sleep on the couch you must.

 

[igor1980]

I also really do love her, and I want to marry her someday. I would go ahead and marry her ASAP, but she has financial situations to resolve before she can get married (this can take anywhere from a couple months to three years), so it’s going to be awhile before we get married.

Why can’t you just marry her? You are actually living together, your financial situation will be the same after you get married.

 

[maryjk]

Please, I need advise for my situation. I do not desire your judgement, I am well aware I made a mistake and should not have gotten into this mess. But that’s not exactly going to help me.

A couple months ago, against my better judgement, I made the hasty decision to move in with my girlfriend.

What happened financially a couple of months ago? If you moved in with your girl friend, where were you living before? Did she already have the apartment?

I guess I am looking for is what changed?

 

[odile53]

Do you have a living room in your apartment? Is there a couch? I’d consider sleeping there until she can resolve her financial issues and you can get married in clear conscience. If you don’t have a couch, consider buying a futon (they’re not all that expensive compared to an actual couch.)

However, I’m concerned about these “financial issues” that prevent her from getting married to you right now. “Financial issues” fall out based on attitudes towards money. Attitudes are funny things: They don’t change on their own. Your girlfriend may have run up a lot of credit card debt based on being somewhat hedonistic. She might pay off those bills prior to your marriage, but unless the attitudes are explored and changed, later on, when she’s feeling unappreciated, she might engage in some “retail therapy,” and run up thousands in debt. That’s a pretty common scenario, and it goes for both genders (women tend towards clothes, men tend towards toys.) In case you’re thinking that I’m an old fuddy-duddy I’ll share with you this: My husband inherited over two years close to $250,000 in cash and property. He went through that in a matter of eight months (at one pint we owned five boats simultaneously!) and I’m the one who had to dip into savings, pension funds, and property to prevent financial disaster. He resents my bailout tremendously, rather than being appreciative. So I’ve been there, done that. Lest I portray myself as some kind of marital martyr, I’m not: When I got resentful, I engaged in some retail therapy myself. So, as you can see, I know what I’m talking about! Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt! If I were ever so blessed as to get to heaven and be elevated to the Calendar of Saints, I hope I’m known as St. Odile, patroness of crummy marriages, spreadsheets and checkbooks–LOL!

I’d suggest that the two of you sit down individually and draw up spreadsheets about your current financial situations, and start talking about your attitude towards finances. If the two of you rented an apartment that’s above either individual’s means, I don’t think either of you is really in a position to discuss marriage intelligently. And you had better think long and hard about all of this. Miss Right Now might NOT be Miss Right!

Sorry to sound so harsh, but most marriages that go south do so over finances, because most of us define our utility (and hence, our human dignity) over what we do, how much money we make, and how much we contribute. That in itself is a sin: Our dignity as human beings should be recognized as the fact that we are made in the image and likeness of God. However, the fact is that most of us take a far more utilitarian approach, and I would suggest that perhaps you are doing so if you are saying she can’t get married right now because of her financial past.

The two of you need to explore each other’s attitudes towards finances. I’d really suggest getting in touch with your parish’s permanent deacon, if you’re lucky enough to have one. A lot of these guys are married men, and are intimately familiar with the vicissitudes of living out a holy life in the double vocation of marriage and Holy Orders. They’re great resources for family matters. If not, get in touch with your diocese’s Family Life office. They, too, have a lot of very helpful resources to help ensure that if and when you do get married, you do so from a position where you have good information and good guidance.

There’s an old joke that goes that a marriage license isn’t a guarantee of happiness. It’s just a license to hunt. Use some of these resources prayerfully and intelligently (relying on the gifts of the Holy Spirit,) and put yourself in the position of having a good, solid marriage. You owe it to yourself, and to your girlfriend. And you have my most sincere and heartfelt prayers for discernment in this knotty problem. I hope that God richly blesses the two of you!

 

[domNoah]

Please, I need advise for my situation. I do not desire your judgement, I am well aware I made a mistake and should not have gotten into this mess. But that’s not exactly going to help me.

A couple months ago, against my better judgement, I made the hasty decision to move in with my girlfriend. Now I am realizing the spiritual error of my action, and I feel horrible about it. I felt like I have contributed to the part of society that I loathe, and that I have cheapened the entire union of marriage, But I am too financially committed to pull out now, and I love my girlfriend.

We go 50/50 on the bills, and neither of us could afford to live here on our own. I can’t, in good conscience, just abandon her to take care of all these bills that I said I would take care of (if anybody moves out, it’ll be me, since she paid for more furniture and stuff than I did). Likewise, I can’t afford her bills in addition to whatever bills I would have to pay if I moved. And since it’s a one bedroom apartment, she is unlikely to get a roommate to help her. I wouldn’t want to do that to anybody, let alone my girlfriend. Staying with parents is not an option for either us; hers are deceased and mine are not only unbearable, but in a completely different city than where my work and school are, and I can’t afford that kind of gas. I feel financially stuck. But it is about a lot more than the money.

I also really do love her, and I want to marry her someday. I would go ahead and marry her ASAP, but she has financial situations to resolve before she can get married (this can take anywhere from a couple months to three years), so it’s going to be awhile before we get married. It seems impractical to have a relationship continue chastely after fornication has already occurred. She is the most serious girlfriend I have ever had, and I love her so much, and the thought of leaving brings me pain and stress. On the other hand though, I love God, and I know fornication is wrong.

I just don’t know where to begin to resolve these issues.

Alright here is how I would fix the situation

1. You must move out to remove the occasion of sin of fornication
2. That does not mean that you have to stop contributing to her bills until she can handle it on her own.
3. Go to confession

Remember the words of our Lord Jesus

37 He that loveth father or mother more than me, is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me, is not worthy of me. 38 And he that taketh not up his cross, and followeth me, is not worthy of me. 39 He that findeth his life, shall lose it: and he that shall lose his life for me, shall find it. Matt 10:37-39

If you repent by removing the occasion of Sin and making a firm resolution to sin no more Jesus Christ who has authority over all things will watch over you and provide for both of you. But you must go to confession as well. If you do not then you are both under the cruel slavery and dominion of the devil and both of you will have to live in shame, fear of death and wait for the wrath of God.

 

[Robertanthony]

Why can’t you just marry her? You are actually living together, your financial situation will be the same after you get married.

Marriage is not only a way to legitimize sexual intercourses. It also requires that people be willing to bring children into this world. I don’t think now is the right time to start a family, marriage or not.

Do you have a living room in your apartment? Is there a couch? I’d consider sleeping there until she can resolve her financial issues and you can get married in clear conscience. If you don’t have a couch, consider buying a futon (they’re not all that expensive compared to an actual couch.)

However, I’m concerned about these “financial issues” that prevent her from getting married to you right now. “Financial issues” fall out based on attitudes towards money. Attitudes are funny things: They don’t change on their own. Your girlfriend may have run up a lot of credit card debt based on being somewhat hedonistic. She might pay off those bills prior to your marriage, but unless the attitudes are explored and changed, later on, when she’s feeling unappreciated, she might engage in some “retail therapy,” and run up thousands in debt. That’s a pretty common scenario, and it goes for both genders (women tend towards clothes, men tend towards toys.) In case you’re thinking that I’m an old fuddy-duddy I’ll share with you this: My husband inherited over two years close to $250,000 in cash and property. He went through that in a matter of eight months (at one pint we owned five boats simultaneously!) and I’m the one who had to dip into savings, pension funds, and property to prevent financial disaster. He resents my bailout tremendously, rather than being appreciative. So I’ve been there, done that. Lest I portray myself as some kind of marital martyr, I’m not: When I got resentful, I engaged in some **retail therapy **myself. So, as you can see, I know what I’m talking about! Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt! If I were ever so blessed as to get to heaven and be elevated to the Calendar of Saints, I hope I’m known as St. Odile, patroness of crummy marriages, spreadsheets and checkbooks–LOL!

I’d suggest that the two of you sit down individually and draw up spreadsheets about your current financial situations, and start talking about your attitude towards finances. If the two of you rented an apartment that’s above either individual’s means, I don’t think either of you is really in a position to discuss marriage intelligently. And you had better think long and hard about all of this. Miss Right Now might NOT be Miss Right!

Sorry to sound so harsh, but most marriages that go south do so over finances, because most of us define our utility (and hence, our human dignity) over what we do, how much money we make, and how much we contribute. That in itself is a sin: Our dignity as human beings should be recognized as the fact that we are made in the image and likeness of God. However, the fact is that most of us take a far more utilitarian approach, and I would suggest that perhaps you are doing so if you are saying she can’t get married right now because of her financial past.

The two of you need to explore each other’s attitudes towards finances. I’d really suggest getting in touch with your parish’s permanent deacon, if you’re lucky enough to have one. A lot of these guys are married men, and are intimately familiar with the vicissitudes of living out a holy life in the double vocation of marriage and Holy Orders. They’re great resources for family matters. If not, get in touch with your diocese’s Family Life office. They, too, have a lot of very helpful resources to help ensure that if and when you do get married, you do so from a position where you have good information and good guidance.

There’s an old joke that goes that a marriage license isn’t a guarantee of happiness. It’s just a license to hunt. Use some of these resources prayerfully and intelligently (relying on the gifts of the Holy Spirit,) and put yourself in the position of having a good, solid marriage. You owe it to yourself, and to your girlfriend. And you have my most sincere and heartfelt prayers for discernment in this knotty problem. I hope that God richly blesses the two of you!

Lots of good advice in there, Odile. You made me laugh with your “retail therapy”. I’ll remember that one !

 

[bilop]

Marriage is not only a way to legitimize sexual intercourses. It also requires that people be willing to bring children into this world. I don’t think now is the right time to start a family, marriage or not.

If they’re already having sex, the possibility of bringing children into this world exists, married or not.

If they can’t afford children right now, they can still marry, and use NFP to avoid having children.

God Bless

 

[Robertanthony]

If they’re already having sex, the possibility of bringing children into this world exists, married or not.

If they can’t afford children right now, they can still marry, and use NFP to avoid having children.

God Bless

Do you think it’s in the spirit of the law, as it were, that 2 people should marry who absolutely can’t have children for the 1st couple of years? It would sound to me like they just can’t postpone having sex. Not being sarcastic or holier-than-thou here, I’m merely thinking aloud.

 

[Allegra]

Sleep on the couch you must.

I saw a really good price on an air mattress at Big Lots. It’s the kind that inflates and deflates electrically in under a minute.

 

[bilop]

Do you think it’s in the spirit of the law, as it were, that 2 people should marry who absolutely can’t have children for the 1st couple of years? It would sound to me like they just can’t postpone having sex. Not being sarcastic or holier-than-thou here, I’m merely thinking aloud.

Yes.

Marriage has dual ends, the good of the spouses (their salvation in particular) and procreation. Even if they try to avoid children in the short run, the marriage still can serve the good of avoiding sin through fornication.

If the couple has legitimate reason to not have children for two years, they are still free to marry and use NFP to avoid having children. To marry, one must be open to having children, but not necessarily immediately.

Of course they must not use artificial contraception, and must accept a baby lovingly if NFP fails.

God Bless

 

[Robertanthony]

Yes.

Marriage has dual ends, the good of the spouses (their salvation in particular) and procreation. Even if they try to avoid children in the short run, the marriage still can serve the good of avoiding sin through fornication.

If the couple has legitimate reason to not have children for two years, they are still free to marry and use NFP to avoid having children. To marry, one must be open to having children, but not necessarily immediately.

Of course they must not use artificial contraception, and must accept a baby lovingly if NFP fails.

God Bless

Your point is well taken.

 

[kbwall]

Anyways, you said you just entered this arraignment a few months ago? This is unfortunate. You need to go over the lease and see how long the lease is, and what penalties are incurred if you leave early. (Sometimes if you find a new renter, or if rental properties are in high demand and someone else moves in, there are no penalties or only for when the space is empty). You need to communicate with your gf, that the moment the lease is up or you can leave without penalties, you are out of there. And make a plan to actually follow through. Find a new place for the proposed time period that you can afford on your own. (The place you are currently living in is way to expensive if one of you could not alone afford a one bedroom). Encourage her to do the same.

The lease is six months. I forgot what the penalty is for leaving, but it’s an additional couple hundred dollars. Also, the place isn’t all that expensive, in fact it’s one of the cheapest apartments in the city, we’re just poor college students barely raking in $1000 a month. Technically we could afford bills 100%, but that would leave no money left for things like food.

What happened financially a couple of months ago? If you moved in with your girl friend, where were you living before? Did she already have the apartment?

We lived on campus. Financial aid paid our way for that, so we effectively stayed there for free. Neither of us had summer courses, so with recent, tragic death of her parents, she had to find a way to live over the summer. My parents were having their own problems with their house and I feared they may be evicted again, which would leave me homeless if I stayed with them. She suggested moving in together and it seemed like such a great idea at the time.

Of course, I only realize my mistake now. After the time for signing up for a dorm has come and gone. All the dorms on campus are already taken/reserved by now.

You mentioned your remorse at this situation but what I do not see is your girlfriends thoughts feelings etc. I do see that she feels she has found someone who can help meet her financial obligations and perhaps she helps you in some way?

Well, I can be almost certain she is not using me or is a gold digger. For one, I have very little gold to dig at, so if she was, she would’ve looked elsewhere a long time ago lol. For another thing, I know her personality well enough to know that she wouldn’t be fake nice to somebody just for financial gain.

I have not voiced my concerns to her yet, simply because I am scared of what might happen. She is also a Christian (albeit not Catholic), and she wrestled with the idea of moving in together too. Unfortunately, any qualms she had with it seem to have settled as she is very happy to live with me now, and me opening up old wounds will likely not be pretty.

Despite being a Christian, she outright stated that she feels no guilt in having sex. She had a little guilt about moving in, but as I said, that has faded by now.