Need Confession Help

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Lormar

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As some of you may have read on CAF, a few years ago I encountered a priest in confession that wasn’t a pleasant experience and was enough to discourage any Catholic from ever going back.

Since that time, I have literally become tongue-tied in the confessional. I don’t know what to say anymore because I sound like a broken record. I’m not talking about mortal sins - I know what that is and when I have committed one. I’m talking about venial sins.

I have been reading a meditation book at night, and the chapters on contrition/confession are enough to make anyone just throw up their hands and say “What’s the use?”. It stresses the absolute need for sorrow, but what if you are sorry but don’t feel the sorrow?

Then, the penances. I was raised primarily in the pre VII Church and even for a few decades after, the penances were pretty cut and dry. An example: one Our Father, one Hail Mary. But now penances are given that make me wonder if I ever sufficiently did the penance in order for my sins to be absolved.

Anyway, the past four years or so, going to confession has become an ordeal and something to be dreaded. Consequently, I have cut down on it considerably, and that is not good.

Any helpful spiritual advice will be appreciated. 🙂
 
Lormar said:
As some of you may have read on CAF, a few years ago I encountered a priest in confession that wasn’t a pleasant experience and was enough to discourage any Catholic from ever going back.

Since that time, I have literally become tongue-tied in the confessional. I don’t know what to say anymore because I sound like a broken record. I’m not talking about mortal sins - I know what that is and when I have committed one. I’m talking about venial sins.

I have been reading a meditation book at night, and the chapters on contrition/confession are enough to make anyone just throw up their hands and say “What’s the use?”. It stresses the absolute need for sorrow, but what if you are sorry but don’t feel the sorrow?

Then, the penances. I was raised primarily in the pre VII Church and even for a few decades after, the penances were pretty cut and dry. An example: one Our Father, one Hail Mary. But now penances are given that make me wonder if I ever sufficiently did the penance in order for my sins to be absolved.

Anyway, the past four years or so, going to confession has become an ordeal and something to be dreaded. Consequently, I have cut down on it considerably, and that is not good.

Any helpful spiritual advice will be appreciated. 🙂
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If you are sorry, but do not feel sorrow, then it is what it is. The emotional aspect isn’t nearly as important as the willful aspect of it. I can understand that I’ve done wrong without -feeling- sorry, what’s important once I do understand that I’ve done wrong is that I put aside my personal feelings on the matter and recognize that I have offended God, and that this offense requires me to seek absolution.

The penance prescribed by the priest is -always- sufficient because it is his duty to determine what is appropriate and sufficient. It’s true that some priests can overdo it, or under-do it, but so long as it isn’t something that’s almost impossible to accomplish with any certainty (1 rosary a day for a year, or something like that), then just trust your priest and perform the penance he’s asked of you.
 
When my kids mess up I ask them are they truly sorry for what they did. They will either say they are sorry and truly mean it or they will give a quick sorry and promptly continue the same bad behavior for which I wonder if they were truly sorry in the first place. So being sorry is not only a feeling. It is a act of the will and a change of heart. Feelings may come or they may not. And it is possible we may fall back into the same sin, but we keep trying, that is what matters to God. Keep going to confession, and preparing well for confession, dont worry about past events.
 
ProdglArchitect said:
…
The penance prescribed by the priest is -always- sufficient because it is his duty to determine what is appropriate and sufficient. It’s true that some priests can overdo it, or under-do it, but so long as it isn’t something that’s almost impossible to accomplish with any certainty (1 rosary a day for a year, or something like that), then just trust your priest and perform the penance he’s asked of you.
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I should have explained myself better. I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about when a priest will give a penance such as: for the next five days, sit and look at a crucifix for ten minutes and think about what Our Lord went through for you.

Or: spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and think about the mercy of God.
It seems cheesy to ask “how much time,” yet without asking, what is “some time”?

Do you see now what I am getting at? Is it permissible to ask a priest to “commute” the penance to something that won’t cause me anguish?
 
Lormar said:
I should have explained myself better. I wasn’t talking about that, I was talking about when a priest will give a penance such as: for the next five days, sit and look at a crucifix for ten minutes and think about what Our Lord went through for you.

Or: spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and think about the mercy of God.
It seems cheesy to ask “how much time,” yet without asking, what is “some time”?

Do you see now what I am getting at? Is it permissible to ask a priest to “commute” the penance to something that won’t cause me anguish?
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Certainly you can ask for an alternate penance!
 
I really think you suffer from scrupulosity. Try to get a regular confessor to help you with these troubles and give you penance suited to you and your needs. 🙂
 
LittleFlower378 said:
When my kids mess up I ask them are they truly sorry for what they did. They will either say they are sorry and truly mean it or they will give a quick sorry and promptly continue the same bad behavior for which I wonder if they were truly sorry in the first place. So being sorry is not only a feeling. It is a act of the will and a change of heart. Feelings may come or they may not. And it is possible we may fall back into the same sin, but we keep trying, that is what matters to God. Keep going to confession, and preparing well for confession, dont worry about past events.
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The Little Flower has looked after my family since the day my mother, as a little girl in grammar school, watched a life-size statue of St. Therese being brought into her parish church shortly after Therese was canonized.

I tell you this because I consider your response as coming from her indirectly. Thank you!
 
Try face to face confession. It’s way easier to speak when you can see the compassion in the priest’s eyes, and if troubled by the penance, he will see your distress, and you can describe your concerns to him.

If it were me, I think the sit in front of the crucifix is a GREAT penance. What a wonderful world it would be if more people actually did that.
 
I was told recently to spend some time in the church reflecting on God’s mercy.

I actually think that was a really good idea as the priest had identified the crux of my problem.
 
pianistclare said:
Try face to face confession. It’s way easier to speak when you can see the compassion in the priest’s eyes, and if troubled by the penance, he will see your distress, and you can describe your concerns to him.

If it were me, I think the sit in front of the crucifix is a GREAT penance. What a wonderful world it would be if more people actually did that.
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Clare, I was going face to face. In fact, the first time I had difficulty, when the priest yelled at me, that is what it was - face to face.

I went back to behind the screen because it was easier for me.

Besides, for whatever reason, I have noticed that when I did/do go face to face and look up into the face of the priest, their eyes are cast downward. They’re not looking at me. Maybe in our diocese, that is what they are told to do? I do not know.
 
Lormar, you are absolved the moment the priest says, “I absolve you of your sins.” You are bound to complete your penance under pain of sin, yes, but if you forget or if you mess it up or if you spend nine minutes instead of ten in front of the crucifix, whatever, your sins are still forgiven. This is why it is possible for a person who had committed mortal sin and received a long penance in the confessional to be permitted to receive communion at Mass a half hour later. The sins are completely forgiven in the confessional but we do penance to remit the temporal punishment for our sins.
 
Yea I know I’m having the same problem:mad:but the thing is that if you have a mortal sin and you can not get to confession you have to do perfect contrition which is kind of impossible.but does God care no.he wants you to be perfect and if your not your in hell for the rest of eternity
 
Lormar said:
Clare, I was going face to face. In fact, the first time I had difficulty, when the priest yelled at me, that is what it was - face to face.

I went back to behind the screen because it was easier for me.

Besides, for whatever reason, I have noticed that when I did/do go face to face and look up into the face of the priest, their eyes are cast downward. They’re not looking at me. Maybe in our diocese, that is what they are told to do? I do not know.
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Interesting. He really yelled at you?
Wow.
 
And they said we would find peace in the Catholic Church (sarcasm)
 
Some confessors are more “cranky” than others. Just find another confessor.
Go to a nearby parish.
These things are small annoyances when you weigh them against the Sacraments and the Mass.
God bless you. I hope you find a place to confess in relative peace.
 
You don’t have to feel the sorrow.

Personally, I dislike vague penances. I once had a priest tell me to “do something nice for somebody today.” What? It was afternoon. I live alone. I didn’t see anybody else the rest of the day! On the way out of church I said “hello” to somebody in a nice way. Hope that was sufficient.

The priest yelled? Maybe it’s just a matter of perception. My niece one asked me about something because, she said, ‘I wanted to get your opinion ahead of time so you wouldn’t yell at me.’ Hmmm. I never yell. Really. But if I express disapproval, however softly, it’s perceived as yelling. She should meet my old drill instructor.

Now, Padre Pio, I think, really DID yell at people in the confessional. And he was a saint.
 
Clare and Jim, yes. He did yell.

I’m not from the “someone was mean to me - let me sit in the corner and sulk” generation. Throughout the decades, I have heard of priests yelling at penitents in the confessional, but it never happened to me until about four years ago.

This is what happened. I made an appointment to go to confession with our pastor. While there, when I was finished confessing my sins, I added: “For these sins and all of my past sins, especially xxxxxxx, I am very sorry.” I was taught that if you had no mortal sins to confess, it was a good practice to include one you had committed in the past during a confession of venial sins only (I use the word “only” not to mitigate the seriousness of venial sins). After I had said this, my pastor raised his voice considerably, and in as stern a manner as he could, told me that I was making a mockery of the sacrament and God’s mercy, and a few other things besides. :o

It took me a long time to recover from this experience. It really shook me up. It was very hard to go back to confession; I knew, of course, that I had to. But I am glad that it happened to me because now I can have sympathy for others that it happens to.
 
I’m sorry for your experience. I have no idea what he was yelling about. Maybe he didn’t like the idea of setting up an appointment when no serious sins were involved. Who knows? You might try just using the confessional instead, or just going to a different priest.
 
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